I know this has nothing to do with writing...

[doormouse]

I know this has nothing to do with writing, and I'm sorry, but this is the only forum I go to.

I have had the internet on for less than a week and my 11 year old daughter has already changed her attitude. I shouldn't have, but logged into her facebook account.

It's nothing but F this, F that... they use stupid language, members of the weirdest groups imaginable...

From parent to parent, what should I do? If she knew I'd checked up on her she'd never speak to me again.

The internet is a dangerous place for a kid - and a parent!

 

[SeaCat]

Sorry Door but I can't really help you much. When I raised my nieces they didn't have access to the internet. They were also under my thumb 24/7 without let up. They did complain but their momma couldn't do or say anything about it as she was in jail.

My nieces were raised the way I was. Corporal Punishment included. They got their butts swatted as needed. They didn't like it, they complained to the state and I was investigated more than once.

Their lives were under my daily scrutiny. They didn't like it but I was always there. (Unlike the parents of many of their classmates.) The Cat was in charge and they knew it. They tried to rebel and in some cases I allowed it. I knew it was natural. On the other hand I did talk with them often and let them know what I expected of them.

They still talk with me on a regular basis. One of them is a C.P.A. and the othr just graduated fom Vetrinary School. I suppose I did okay with them.

Cat

 

[Stella_Omega]

As the mother of two young adults that grew up on the internet, 11 is far too young to be unsupervised on facebook. Tell her that you will check up on her, or you will delete her account-- this may take tact, I am not saying you spring it on her! But you should friend her via your own facebook account, and tell her that she either lets you be there, or you get a parental control program and harness her down.

I never censored my kids' language, or their friends, or their stupid groups. But I analysed the hell out of them-- a couple of questions, often, is all it takes to lead a bright kid to know when something is stupid and convince them to dump it.

Both of them have done dumb things, but they really do know what doing dumb things means-- and don't do them again. or more than twice, anyway

I used to flood their inmail with sites that I thought they would like, and now they return the favor.

I recommend jayis.com for casual and awesome games- perhaps neopets although she might be too old for that already.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

At eleven, if she found out you knew what she was doing on the computer she'd have a hissyfit that would last a couple of days. She'd get over it. Once she got over her hormonally induced grumps, she'd first admit that you had a perfect right to watch over what she, as a minor, did. That you were the one who called the shots in the family, not her. That her use of the computer was something that needed to be monitored and that her 'friends' on Facebook needed parents like you!

This is the age group I have spent the last 22 years shepherding. They need limits. Once the tantrum is over, they will admit that they know they limits and want those limits for their own sense of security in the world.

 

[doormouse]

It's my fault. When I signed up for internet, Iwas given the option of a wireless 'stick' or a modem which allowed mulitple household users to access the internet at the same time.

I can't watch what she does.

We can't whack our kids in Australia, thanks anyway seacat. They have so many 'report your parent' lines it isn't funny lol No wonder the kids are the way they are.

I just want to protect her until she is old enough to handle the truth.

 

[OhMissScarlett]

Make your own account and friend her? I know she could then open a new account, but it might be too much of an inconvenience. Other than that, I could only suggest that you supervise her during her internet time. Though my son is younger than she is, I don't even let him game unless he's in the same room with me and I don't ever plan on letting him IM. I have a firm rule about no social networking sites until he's at least sixteen. Eleven is really way too young for her to be unsupervised on the computer or opening a Facebook account.

 

[doormouse]

At eleven, if she found out you knew what she was doing on the computer she'd have a hissyfit that would last a couple of days. She'd get over it. Once she got over her hormonally induced grumps, she'd first admit that you had a perfect right to watch over what she, as a minor, did. That you were the one who called the shots in the family, not her. That her use of the computer was something that needed to be monitored and that her 'friends' on Facebook needed parents like you!

This is the age group I have spent the last 22 years shepherding. They need limits. Once the tantrum is over, they will admit that they know they limits and want those limits for their own sense of security in the world.

You don't know my kids lol... one is a complete BITCH (the one mentioned), the other one is a gift from Heaven.

I do reign over her, but in this instance, I think she has power over me because/unless I confiscate her computer, I can't stop her. AND she has no idea I know what she's been up to.

 

[doormouse]

Make your own account and friend her? I know she could then open a new account, but it might be too much of an inconvenience. Other than that, I could only suggest that you supervise her during her internet time. Though my son is younger than she is, I don't even let him game unless he's in the same room with me and I don't ever plan on letting him IM. I have a firm rule about no social networking sites until he's at least sixteen. Eleven is really way too young for her to be unsupervised on the computer or opening a Facebook account.

Thanks, I totally agree, but I'm committed to this stupid modem on a 2 year contract so unless I stand over their shoulder watching what they do, I can't supervise them. Like I said in an above post, it's my fault for not opting for the one computer modem.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I just want to protect her until she is old enough to handle the truth.

The best way to do that is to begin educating her now...

And you can put software on their computers, I bet.

 

[jomar]

With my kids, they did not have unsupervised access at 11.

My approach was that I'd supervise them to help keep them safe because some folks tried to trick kids. If friends choose to curse I understood, but hope they made better choices. I tried to reassure them I'd never pry, but had the right to access their sites to scan for threats.

They lived by those rules until they were old enough to know what to look out for and so far so good.

Seriously, my view is that eleven is too young to have a private, unsupervised account.

You don't even need to let her know you saw it. Just talk about new internet access, new rules.

 

[Stella_Omega]

http://www.consumersearch.com/parental-control-software

maybe?

 

[OhMissScarlett]

Thanks, I totally agree, but I'm committed to this stupid modem on a 2 year contract so unless I stand over their shoulder watching what they do, I can't supervise them. Like I said in an above post, it's my fault for not opting for the one computer modem.

Oh, no! I went with the stick and the stick is mine unless I decide otherwise, lol. Well, I guess you could put the computers in a community area of your house and designate certain times when they can be used. If they're using DS or laptops or PSP's, you could make sure and collect them when time's up. I'm sure it wouldn't hurt them a bit to have less computer/game time. If that doesn't work, change the wireless network password when it suits you.

 

[doormouse]

The best way to do that is to begin educating her now...

And you can put software on their computers, I bet.

I wouldn't even know how to add software. Their computer is on XP mine is later model... I know how to do it to mine.

Do you know how? They'll be home from school in 4 hours, I have that long to work out how to use their PC lol... computer illiterate.

I want the "F" word barred and anything to do with adult sites.

 

[OneLustyWench]

This may sound trite, but YOU are the PARENT. It is up to you to control and guide and raise her. I have multiple times taken away internet access, locked them out of their computer, changed the modem security code and not updated their PC. Their usage was timed and monitored.

Be the adult. They may not like it now but will appreciate and understand it later.

PS: Google free parental controls or similar. There are free products with full instructions on how to use them and forums for people you can ask help from.

 

[michchick98]

Thanks, I totally agree, but I'm committed to this stupid modem on a 2 year contract so unless I stand over their shoulder watching what they do, I can't supervise them. Like I said in an above post, it's my fault for not opting for the one computer modem.

Call your ISP and see if there's a way to block certain sites or limit access unless one has a password. It might be an inconvenience for you, but until you can make sure she's safe on the 'net, I think it'd be worth the inconvenience.

I'd also recommend what the others have. But if she protests, drop the issue, then create a "dummy" facebook account and pose as a teenager, friend her, then keep an eye on her that way. If it gets out of line, unveil yourself and lay down the law about what she can and cannot do. She might get in a snit, but she'll get over it and be more cautious if she knows you're monitoring her activity. Hell, one day she may even thank you.

I don't have kids of my own, but when my niece and nephews were younger and were visiting me, I was always VERY nearby when they accessed the internet. If I saw them "surfing" to some place I didn't approve of, I told them. Their mom was the same way with them when they were on their own computer at home.

 

[Stella_Omega]

But if she protests, drop the issue, then create a "dummy" facebook account and pose as a teenager, friend her, then keep an eye on her that way.

Um. Not such a great policy really-- for so many reasons.

 

[doormouse]

This may sound trite, but YOU are the PARENT. It is up to you to control and guide and raise her. I have multiple times taken away internet access, locked them out of their computer, changed the modem security code and not updated their PC. Their usage was timed and monitored.

Be the adult. They may not like it now but will appreciate and understand it later.

PS: Google free parental controls or similar. There are free products with full instructions on how to use them and forums for people you can ask help from.

I looked at a link ^^ further in this thread, but will that bar me from coming here? I can't live without my smut

Can it be isolated to the one computer?

 

[Dianthus]

I can't tell you what will work with your family. In mine, it was explicitly stated to the kid, just as our user-agreement states at work, that there is no expectation of privacy on the computer network. I routinely checked the chat logs and such. Facebook was (and still is) only permitted if I was a friend with total access.

That said, I have never posted on her wall or indicated to her friends that I was there. I just monitor. And it serves as a very good indicator to me what subjects need to be brought up and discussed. I never indicate in the conversation that it was because of something I have seen or read. I am more tactful than that with her...but those are the computer rules here.

 

[jomar]

From my point of view, I'm not a fan of creating a dummy account and spying on her. Educate yourself about the ins and outs of computers...like kids know...cookies and browser history and such and check your computer.

Anyway, if she can't live with you conditions the computer gets unplugged and the keyboard gets hidden when you're not home. Having said that, you can't control it if she makes an account at a friends house.

You're job is to keep communication open so she can ask questions when she's confused or some creep contacts her so you can help her make good decisions.

 

[doormouse]

From my point of view, I'm not a fan of creating a dummy account and spying on her. Educate yourself about the ins and outs of computers...like kids know...cookies and browser history and such and check your computer.

Anyway, if she can't live with you conditions the computer gets unplugged and the keyboard gets hidden when you're not home. Having said that, you can't control it if she makes an account at a friends house.

You're job is to keep communication open so she can ask questions when she's confused or some creep contacts her so you can help her make good decisions.

She joined one of my facebook groups, I UNjoined her. I know what that site is like!

Can I take her off my list and me off hers and not have her rejoin?

Sorry to ask basic questions, but been offline for so long it's like some alien planet to me.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm feeling awfully bossy but... Why make a fuss about the f word? There are so many other words with more subtle, and far worse meanings...

 

[jomar]

She joined one of my facebook groups, I UNjoined her. I know what that site is like!

Can I take her off my list and me off hers and not have her rejoin?

Sorry to ask basic questions, but been offline for so long it's like some alien planet to me.

Not sure I understand...you can unfriend her and nothing crosses accounts. But she can still join any group if she has an account.

From what concerns you've posted supervision seems like the main issue though. Just don't make it "don't say the f-word" type - make safety the issue.

 

[doormouse]

Not sure I understand, but you can unfriend her and nothing crosses. And she can still join any group if she has an account.

From what concerns you've posted supervision seems like the main issue though. Just don't make it "don't say the f-word" type.

No offence intended jomar, and please don't take offence, but I'm not stupid. I know she swears, I am not deaf. It's not the F word in particular that upsets me, but she's on sites, like 'let's punch the slow walking person in front of us in the back of the head', 'I hate....', they're really nasty sites.

 

[pleaz_me]

I agree with Stella. 11 is way too young to be unsupervised. I have the security settings so high on my son's computer (he's 12, almost 13) that he can't even pull up the yahoo home page without me entering a password.

He knows I have the right to check up on him any time I choose to do so. I have the password to everything (email, aim, etc). I checked recently and he'd been cussing, so I cut him off. I do the same with his phone. He's not allowed to erase his texts until I read them (I can check online at any time to see how many texts he's sent/rec'd).

Overall, I may come across to him and his friends as a controlling bitch but in the end it's all about his safety and well-being. We communicate about the weird folks out there who con people on the computer. I'm honest about things that could happen and he understands this. Therefore he doesn't complain when I read his things.

Keep on top of it, don't let them take control. You're still the parent, not the friend.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

A kid in control is a kid out of control. The parent must commit themselves to doing the right thing...and fuck the police and guidance counselors and the kid's friends.