the marks of a slave

[CutieMouse]

Fetch me the proper character and I'll edit the post. Until then, pipe down.

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[Homburg]

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Why, thank you. Aren't you helpful?

 

[intothewoods]

*cries in a corner*

 

[eastern sun]

I've been in situations where I submitted to someone for an afternoon or an evening - completely, utterly and without a hint of resistance. Absolute bliss. Loving every minute. Situations that were almost always predominately sexual, with maybe a meal and conversation.

I've been in situations where I submitted to my husband for an afternoon or an evening - completely, utterly and easily overcoming any habits of resistance that have developed in our long relationship. Again, true bliss. The kind you hope you'll find in this life. These situations are often sexual, but may also be social or recreational or domestic.

But then there's the rest of the time.

Technically, as a slave, I'm submitting when he's off at work, and I'm alone in the house. I'm submitting when I'm teaching in the classroom. I'm submitting when I'm driving my children to school, buying groceries, gardening, having coffee with neighbors, practicing yoga, walking in the park.

But, here's a secret I'll bet you already know . . . it's a lot more complicated than that.

Sometimes when he's not there, I am still submitting even though he's not there. And he can tell when he returns.
Sometimes when he's not there, I think I am submitting, but have the "wrong idea" about what he wants, and in fact, I'm not submitting at all.
Sometimes when he's not there, (especially when I'm working), I don't think about him at all.
Sometimes when he's not there, I refuse to submit, and do whatever I want to do, regardless of his wishes.

Is it like the tree falling in the forest? The one that only makes a sound if someone's there to hear it. Do I only submit when someone's there to notice it?

Since I spend a lot of time alone or with my children, it's often me doing the noticing.

I have to be careful not to confuse myself. Sometimes I'm submitting to the ideas I carry around all day, and it has nothing at all to do with him.

Now, truthfully, because I know what he likes, it is helpful to do this. And he is very pleased when he returns and sees the effort I have put in while he was gone.

But the key is the time we spend together.

If I exhaust myself while he is gone, or tie myself up into knots with my petty successes and failures, I am not ready for him when he is here.

(I trip over this one more often I care to admit.)

 

[eastern sun]

I am currently fascinated with the expression in a Master's face as he realizes that he's about to experience an idea he has been thinking about for a long, long time.

 

[girlybird]

sounds like a typical guy...doesn't think..except about himself.

 

[Homburg]

I am currently fascinated with the expression in a Master's face as he realizes that he's about to experience an idea he has been thinking about for a long, long time.

My face is probably a mask of concentration in those moments.

 

[Adakgirl]

Technically, as a slave,

I'm submitting when I'm teaching in the classroom. I'm submitting when I'm driving my children to school, buying groceries, gardening, having coffee with neighbors, practicing yoga, walking in the park.

eastern sun, would you please expand on this a bit for me? I am not sure I am understanding what you mean. I drive around town and buy groceries and garden and have coffee with neighbors, meditate and walk in the park. If I was a slave I wouldn't think I was submitting when I did these kinds of things. unless of course my Master had told me to do them. Please tell me what causes you view your submission in this manner. Is it your slave mindset?

 

[Adakgirl]

Sometimes when he's not there, (especially when I'm working), I don't think about him at all.

Is it a requirement of your slavery to have to think of him all the time? I don't think it's possible for anyone to have a certain person on their mind constantly without being able to have the emotional relief of not thinking about them occasionally.

Sometimes when he's not there, I think I am submitting, but have the "wrong idea" about what he wants, and in fact, I'm not submitting at all.

If you have the wrong idea of what he wants, and you think are submitting to what you think he wants..isn't that one in the same thing? Isn't it still submitting even though you may be misconstruing or misunderstanding what he wants, you are still obeying him, still submitting to him, using the understanding that you have at the time.

 

[Mistress_Belladonna]

I guess I'm of the opinion that most aspects of human culture, from our schools, to our economies, to our political systems, to our families, to our language itself, take the form of systems that are meant to serve the individuals within it.

But once those systems are in place, any individual who enters it must learn the rules and conform to its principles or risk being marginalized and/or treated as an outcast.

We all are trained as children to "fit in" to the systems that already exist. Not "fitting in" is a painful and isolating experience.

There are ways to change the systems. From both the inside and the outside. But that too is a painful process.

And a lot of children, teenagers, (and adults) suffer through this experience.

Even here at lit we have both written and unwritten rules and codes of conduct. I've watched people turn vicious when someone fails to observe those rules. Even spelling and grammar mistakes can elicit this response.

I worked in prisons as a young woman. I've met people who need to be marginalized for both their own and others safety. But very few. Most of the people we put in prison are there to serve the correctional system, and the economies of depressed rural communities.

Is the answer to let everyone do just as they please? Anarchy. Free Market. I don't think so. I've chosen myself to live within a relationship structure that includes externalized controls.

I just feel tremendous compassion right now, for both myself and my child. For others' children too. Who are struggling and confused because their needs are not being met by a system that wants them to meet its needs.

And makes them feel bad on two accounts - 1. for having needs in the first place that fall outside of the norm, 2. for failing to conform to the behavioral codes of the main body.

Thanks for asking, Mistress_Belladonna. It''s a bit more complicated than just "anger at the victim" though. Because if there are any victims in this scenario, it's all of us. I think it's just a painful and confusing aspect of our social systems.

And sometimes hard for me as a parent to figure out.

Thank you for your thoughtful response, but your posts always are thoughtful and thought-provoking. I am always amazed and in awe at the resiliency of people who like to think for themselves. All of the struggling to live according to arbitrary external rules and still be true to one's own system of beliefs, that is something to aspire to and be proud of.

I grew up in the foster-care "system", hence my questions and concerns, but there are many "systems" out there that keep us locked into negative views of ourselves and at the same time, fill it's needs to feel like "saviors". That's something I resent wholeheartedly... people who want to ride to someone's rescue, do what THEY think is best for them, manipulate or coerce them into agreeing to it and then telling them it's my responsibility because they "chose", then wanting them to feel grateful to them for "saving" them when they actually often leave them more miserable and unhappy than before! With no real respect or consideration given to that person's actual needs.

My heart goes out to you and your family, sweetheart! *big hugs*

 

[eastern sun]

eastern sun, would you please expand on this a bit for me? I am not sure I am understanding what you mean. I drive around town and buy groceries and garden and have coffee with neighbors, meditate and walk in the park. If I was a slave I wouldn't think I was submitting when I did these kinds of things. unless of course my Master had told me to do them. Please tell me what causes you view your submission in this manner. Is it your slave mindset?

When I met my husband, and in the early years of our relationship, we were together all the time. We lived together, worked together, travelled together. I loved the experience of a nearly constant relationship with him.

Fast forward twenty years. . . with children, and changes in careers, we spend much less time together. I am much more independent. And I am his "slave."

In one aspect, my life is typical of middle class urban America. I drive around town and buy groceries and garden and have coffee with neighbors. I meditate and walk in the park. But all this activity takes place within a mental framework we call an M/s relationship.

As a mental framework, it is highly arbitrary, and needs to be constantly renewed. In other words, if I don't think about it, and keep it "in mind," it evaporates like so much smoke.

It's easy when I'm with him. (Actually, it's not always that easy, but at least he's there to keep me on track. That's where those famous "looks" come from. And we have gotten some great laughs from absurd moments when reality clashes with the "ideals" of the power exchange. Masters don't always have to think up terrible punishments to keep their slaves in line.)

But . . . when I'm alone, it's a different kind of exercise.

Early on, I wanted micro-management. And he wanted me to do things I wasn't doing. So I would get a list of what I should do that day, and then set out to do it.

But, ultimately, he didn't enjoy that. First, because he didn't really want to have to keep track of a lot of the things I usually keep track of. Secondly, because he would get legitimately frustrated if I didn't do something on the list. He didn't want his life to become an exercise in disciplining an adult woman on the petty tasks of an ordinary day.

And, ultimately, a slave serves the interests of the master. So, now, instead of short-term goals, I have responsibilities that are far-reaching, freeing him to pursue the things he is actually interested in. And then, he sets limited goals where he thinks I should be doing things differently, or when he wants to pursue a particular activity with me.

Giving me a lot of time on my own. . . and, you're right. There's a saying, "when the cat's away, the mice will play." And sometimes, I do.

With the exception of my own artistic career, most of the time I take part in activities that serve our common interests. He supports the independence of my career, but has still had profound influence on the shape it has taken, even as he lets me "do my own thing." Most of our friends are friends we share in common. All of our family concerns, from childrearing to vacation planning to dinner, we share. Even when I'm caring for my body, I am aware of his stake in it.

As a mental construct, and as a vow and commitment, my submission is all day long, all life long.

But . . . here's the point, I've been trying to get to. . . in this long-winded expansion . . .

My mind is not always clear and focussed. Sometimes I'm living with mental constructs that is skewed or shaky. Maybe I'm simply fighting something I know I should do. Maybe I'm chasing after something I should avoid. Maybe I think he wants me to act a certain way, because he likes that in another woman. Maybe I think he doesn't like the way I do "x" because a look passed over his face.

In addition to his expressed desires, I formulate ideas of what "He" wants. Sometimes I'm right and sometimes I'm wrong.

I keep all this in mind, and I try to keep my vow and commitment, but I'm submitting to ideas of "Him" that may or may not reflect his real interests.

Months ago, I wrote about the importance of finding that internal open space. And, today, I'm writing about the M/s dynamic as an internal edifice, full of hidden faults.

I can make it hard on myself by creating ideas of what it means to be "his slave." Ideas that I then have to live up to, and actually keep me from being that "empty vessel ready to be filled."

 

[eastern sun]

My face is probably a mask of concentration in those moments.

Yes. And, in the midst of that focussed concentration, there's a moment like a fork in the road, as the idea is about to become manifest, when he doesn't know how it will actually play out, and the desire that burns in his eyes meets a moment of tight-lipped hesitation. We've lingered in that moment, just to build the sexual tension. And it's the most vulnerable that I've ever seen him.

 

[Homburg]

*snip blathering about the virtue of imperfection and acceptance of same*

There is no greater waste of emotional capital than pining for perfection.

 

[eastern sun]

. . . (wanting to vanish) . . .

 

[Homburg]

It was not my intent to hurt.

You have my sincere apologies.

 

[eastern sun]

It was not my intent to hurt.

You have my sincere apologies.

You have been very kind, Homburg. And I knew you did not intend to hurt. And your comments were apt.

I'm just emotionally raw at the moment.

Perfectionism runs through our family like a genetic trait, along with blue eyes and wavy hair. I can easily trace its sometimes crippling effects through four generations. And unfortunately, I am about to pass it on to my children . . .

What's really interesting though, is that the members of my family most prone to crippling perfectionism have also exhibited the most outrageous self-destructive behavior. It's as though the attempt to channel oneself into such a narrow form creates forces that lead to volcanic eruptions of all the "unwanted" or "repressed" elements of the psyche. Or to the creation of double lives, where one persona takes on that ideal form; and the other acts out all the "forbidden" behaviors, constantly threatening to "bring down" or "expose" the false nature of the other.

 

[Homburg]

You have been very kind, Homburg. And I knew you did not intend to hurt. And your comments were apt.

I'm just emotionally raw at the moment.

Perfectionism runs through our family like a genetic trait, along with blue eyes and wavy hair. I can easily trace its sometimes crippling effects through four generations. And unfortunately, I am about to pass it on to my children . . .

What's really interesting though, is that the members of my family most prone to crippling perfectionism have also exhibited the most outrageous self-destructive behavior. It's as though the attempt to channel oneself into such a narrow form creates forces that lead to volcanic eruptions of all the "unwanted" or "repressed" elements of the psyche. Or to the creation of double lives, where one persona takes on that ideal form; and the other acts out all the "forbidden" behaviors, constantly threatening to "bring down" or "expose" the false nature of the other.

There is a theory that one's darker impulses are like a vicious beast at your side. You can chain the beast down, but when it eventually breaks free it will rage and rage. Or you can give a leash, but a long one. Keep it from doing too much harm, but still allowing for some movement and beastly things.

I'm a pretty bent person, with some dark impulses, and a desire to hurt. I prefer to cause consensual suffering, but have realised that I will create non-consensual emotional suffering if I don't get my sadist fix in healthy ways. This very rarely happens these days, as my beast has a long leash, and is allowed to do bad things to people that enjoyt hose things. It keeps me from being a spiteful, and vicious person socially. I consider this an improvement.

Sadist or not, I'd rather make someone cry withint he bounds of a consensual relationship where those tears are fulfilling, than to do so to some random person because they irritated me.

 

[Adakgirl]

Thank you Eastern sun for expanding on that for me. I can't say I understand all of it but I think I got the general gist of what you mean now.

 

[eastern sun]

sounds like a typical guy...doesn't think..except about himself.

maybe I'm just a typical gal . . . people pleasing my way to security

 

[eastern sun]

I've spent way too much time trying to figure out who I am, what I want, and where I fit in in the grand scheme of things. You know what? I'm not a sub, and I'm not a slave, either. And I'm ok with that. I think. Maybe. Possibly. I hope.

Hey, BiBunny. I don't know where you fit in, either. But there's one thing I'm certain of . . . you are much, much more than just a sub or a slave, too.

 

[BiBunny]

Hey, BiBunny. I don't know where you fit in, either. But there's one thing I'm certain of . . . you are much, much more than just a sub or a slave, too.

Thank you, eastern sun. I really, really, really needed to hear that right now.

 

[eastern sun]

Thank you, eastern sun. I really, really, really needed to hear that right now.

I hope you feel better.

 

[eastern sun]

I am finally reminded today how simple it is to be a "good slave." Not easy. But simple.

 

[Homburg]

I am finally reminded today how simple it is to be a "good slave." Not easy. But simple.

"It's simple. But not easy," is a way that I described slavery to MIS once.

It's like a marathon. What could be simpler? Just run the course as your told, right? 26.2 miles later...

 

[eastern sun]

"It's simple. But not easy," is a way that I described slavery to MIS once.

It's like a marathon. What could be simpler? Just run the course as your told, right? 26.2 miles later...

That's a good analogy. (Even down to the risk factors of dehydration and muscle cramping )