"Is this a felony? No it's snot." Garrison Keillor on Dominos' booger debacle

[shereads]

"Is this a felony? No it's snot." Garrison Keillor on Dominos' booger debacle

Somehow I missed this controversy until finding this column from Apr 22, entitled "Save Our National Sense of Humor." Subhead: "Since when is farting on a sandwich a felony? People have been grossing each other out for centuries, and its no time to stop now."

full text: http://www.salon.com/opinion/keillor/2009/04/22/strange_new_world/index.html

excerpt:

This is the world turned upside down, in which satirists finally have some power to step on the big boys' toes and make them squeal. Two minimum-wage employees with a cheap videocam are able to make such a stir that a man who earns almost half a million a year has to stand up and say that the Conover store has been closed and sanitized, that the two "team members" are charged with felonies, that Domino's makes a delicious and hygienic pizza, and that the company is now reexamining its hiring practices so as not to admit to its team the sort of person who would pull cheese out of his nose and fart on the salami. "It sickens me," he said.

<snip>


In the real world, the booger video is piffle. A joke. It doesn't require the company president to make an official statement -- Matt the night manager just says, "Hey, you guys, cut it out and go clean the toilet."

But in the Strange New World in which I travel and am quite comfortable, thank you, it is amplified to an absurd level, which of course is the strategy of satire. What Jonathan Swift strove to create in "Gulliver's Travels," the Conover Two brought about with a simple upload.

Teams of consultants now will be brought in to Domino's and other large corporations to draw up multipronged strategies for fighting back against booger attacks. <snip> And then we will hear about guerrilla skirmishes between corporations, Domino's sneaking out a video purporting to show rats running through a Pizza Hut and the Hutites responding with one of a coven of witches explaining the Wiccan meaning of the dots on the domino. It is tempting -- the thought that for practically no expense, you can force the president of Burger King to make a public defense of the product and say that, no, the French fries do not include deep-fried tent caterpillars. The denial is what plants the idea firmly in the public's mind.

© 2009 by Garrison Keillor. All rights reserved. Distributed by Tribune Media Services Inc.

I adore Garrison Keillor, but I have to disagree on this one. Kid deposits his bodily fluids on my dinner, I want him to face me in court, in handcuffs. Equally agregious, the "Conover 2" have made me side with a corporate suit on the side of Law & Order. Yeesh.

Jail or bail for these nasty little sandwich-farters, one thing is certain: I am giving up take-out pizza for Lent. And I don't even know what Lent is.

 

[sr71plt]

I don't know about a felony (maybe it's related to the amount of the possible damages), but this is bad publicity big time for a high grossing (pun not intended) business. If something like this takes off in the public consciousness, we're talking about profit losses in the mega millions. Perhaps the little darlings would rather pay back the losses they've undoubtedly caused rather than do any jail time.

 

[sr71plt]

And I don't even know what Lent is.

Did you check your navel?

 

[shereads]

Did you check your navel?

To find lent, wouldn't I need to check my navil?

 

[damppanties]

To find lent, wouldn't I need to check my navil?

Do you need a hammer for that?

 

[Handley_Page]

Jail or bail for these nasty little sandwich-farters, one thing is certain: I am giving up take-out pizza for Lent. And I don't even know what Lent is.

These little rotters deserve a real caning for what they did, whether you think it funny or not. The thought that some blister has put my health at risk is enough to make my blood boil with rage. Childish prats the pair of them.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Underlings have been defiling their master's food since time immemorial... Nowadays, the 'underling' is getting paid minimum wage and the 'master' is a customer purchasing a crap pizza. But the dynamic hasn't changed.

I've heard stories from high end restaurants...

 

[xssve]

I was already boycotting Domino's anyway.

 

[sr71plt]

To find lent, wouldn't I need to check my navil?

That depends. What's a "navil"?

 

[Boxlicker101]

These little rotters deserve a real caning for what they did, whether you think it funny or not. The thought that some blister has put my health at risk is enough to make my blood boil with rage. Childish prats the pair of them.

Childish they are, but wasn't this just a prank video, with the food involved being discarded after the video was made? If the food was actually served to a customer, that would be another matter, and possibly a felony.

 

[sr71plt]

but wasn't this just a prank video, with the food involved being discarded after the video was made?

That has nothing really to do with the effect of such an image created on the damage done to the company's reputation in the public eye (and thus to its future profitability). It's the image of doing it (and reminder of the possibility of doing it) that goes the whole nine yards in establishing damage to reputation in the legal sense.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Boxlicker101
but wasn't this just a prank video, with the food involved being discarded after the video was made?

That has nothing really to do with the effect of such an image created on the damage done to the company's reputation in the public eye (and thus to its future profitability). It's the image of doing it (and reminder of the possibility of doing it) that goes the whole nine yards in establishing damage to reputation in the legal sense.

I'm not defending these guys; I'm just saying if the tainted food was never served to anybody, they didn't commit any crime, especially not a felony. A lawyer might say their former employer was "tortiously injured" and I would agree, but that is a civil matter, not a criminal one.

 

[JackLuis]

This serves as a lesson,

"Always tip the pizza guys"

 

[sr71plt]

This serves as a lesson,

"Always tip the pizza guys"

That would be a little futile, wouldn't it? They've already done whatever they are going to do to your food.

How about instead:

"If you aren't going to tip the pizza guy, choose a different pizza delivery each time."

 

[sr71plt]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Boxlicker101
but wasn't this just a prank video, with the food involved being discarded after the video was made?



I'm not defending these guys; I'm just saying if the tainted food was never served to anybody, they didn't commit any crime, especially not a felony. A lawyer might say their former employer was "tortiously injured" and I would agree, but that is a civil matter, not a criminal one.

And I said you are wrong. Felony charges on such things depend on the amount/nature of the damage claimed. This is big business, with the fundamental nature of the product put under attack. I said that in law the claim of reputation/profit damage doesn't hinge on whether they actually served the food they tainted or not--which is what you were saying the charges hinged on.

 

[JackLuis]

That would be a little futile, wouldn't it? They've already done whatever they are going to do to your food.

How about instead:

"If you aren't going to tip the pizza guy, choose a different pizza delivery each time."

or,

"Eat healthy, eat your vegies."

 

[sr71plt]

or,

"Eat healthy, eat your vegies."

Ha. You should see what those field workers are doing out there in the field.