SHort Erotic Story!!

[sami22]

Erotic Short Stories- Feedback

A Holy Guide: http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh....php?id=424140

Above is my two posts submitted to Literotica.com, what I am interested in is feed back for the use of the language itself as I am a non-English speaker. Some say that I use a poetic language that adds new sense for English!!

I would be pleased to receive your comments @:



Thanks in advance

 

[cloudy]

1) This isn't where stories are posted. They have to be submitted through your submission page, and then posted on the story section of the site. I'll give you a quick critique, though.

2) Please do not use funky fonts, weird sizes, etc. It's extremely hard on the eyes.

3) Do not include your email in your posts. That is considered personal information, and will be deleted by a moderator. If you need to give someone your email address, send it to them via PM.

Okay...first thing I notice is that your paragraphs are way, way too long. Reading from a computer screen is much harder on the eyes, so keep your paragraphs short - maybe five or six lines, that's it. Many people won't even give a story a chance if they see that there's huge blocks of text to wade through.

Additional comments in the body of your story:

A Holy Guide

Anne felt so peaceful as she lay ("laid" is the past tense of "lay" - lay means "to place something down. "Lay" is the past tense of "lie," which is what people do) next to that stranger (really? peaceful lying next to someone she doesn't know? That's a little weird) under the big carob tree. Beside each other were lying on a tattered carpet ("beside each other" what? The phrase makes no sense), that Salem (who?) brought last year in a hike with a Swedish (it's capitalized) group. He likes sitting there (Who likes it? You've also mixed up your tenses: you started out in past tense, but "he likes" is present tense. A no-no. Keep it in one tense, and past tense is usually the best/easiest to write in), overlooking the Lake of the Galilee (why i s that "the" in there?), every time he passed (tense switch again) by on his tours up to Nazareth.
(paragraph break, since we are switching the topic of the paragraph)

She (who is "she"? Is it Anne? We need to know) was looking up at the serene sky and sighed (sight is something that your eyes do) audibly ("audibly" is unnecessary. A sigh could be "heavy," though. Perhaps that's what you meant) and moved closer to Salem (we still don't know who Salem is. I'm lost.) She didn’t know how she felt then; so sad, so happy, about to cry or to giggle, a kind of a vacant soul like a hermit full of God’s celestial love (um...what??? It makes no sense, and it reads like something out of a horrible dimestore romance novel. Resist the lure of the purple prose ), a kind of mysterious (why is it mysterious? Don't tell us she's lusting; show us. Is her breath coming quicker? Is her heart pounding? Is there a bead of sweat starting just at her hairline?) lascivious ("lascivious" is way redundant) lust filled her body and soul (souls don't usually lust. Stick with the body). She felt a sweeping love and lust that cant be quenched (purple prose! Eek! Plus, "felt" is past tense, "can't" needs an apostrophe, and is present tense.), a twitching feeling of nothingness like being naked nowhere in the steamy heat of sun. (More purple prose)

Okay, that's all I could handle.

The best thing you could do to help with your writing is find a few authors here that you enjoy reading, and read, read, read. Stop channeling that Harlequin Romance author, and stop telling us everying - show us instead. It makes for a much more fulfilling read. When you are telling us how someone feels rather than showing us, it's analogous to one of your friends droning on and on about what happened at the bar on Friday night. A reader won't be involved in the story unless you show, and not tell.

Don't get discouraged...keep trying. Writing is one of those things that improves with practice.

 

[sami22]

Hi Cloudy,

Thanks a lot.

I didnt know that I am I cant put it here before posting though I posted one before. Several time I wanted to delete this post but dont know how.

When you post a threat you have the option to: put an email link or something like this and that was all what I did...

 

[cloudy]

If you go to the Editors' Forum and ask for help, someone will be along in a bit to offer to edit for you. With that said, however, make sure you go over it very, very carefully before you send it to someone to edit for you. It takes a lot of time to edit a story, and spelling errors, misused words, etc., take a lot of time to find and correct and that time could be better spent helping you with your story. Don't worry that it won't be "yours" when they get through - a volunteer editor, if they're doing it correctly, won't change the story, they'll just make it easier to read, and more cohesive.

One caveat: a story has to be 750 words to be submitted here - I didn't do a word count, so I'm not sure if that story is long enough or not.

Good luck.

 

[sami22]

A Fullmoon Night!!

Ok, I did it and put a link to the posted story!!