In need of girl advice.

[3rd_heat]

Hi I've already posted this on the General Board and was advised to re-post here, so here goes again!

I'm new here and I am in need of advice.

I'm in love with this girl (I mean madly! Can't sleep. can't eat kind of love!) and I have no idea what to do! We've been friends for a few years and I'm shit scared to tell her because I've been knocked back before and it is not the greatest experience!

We have so much in common and get along so well it just seems right to me but I have doubts she feels the same. It's all very confusing because she sends me messages saying, 'it would be great to see me' Aaargh drives me mad!

Female thoughts are what I'm looking for mainly but if any dudes are in the same boat do share!

Thanks for listening to a whiny pussy! lol

 

[PoeticMusings53]

Hi I've already posted this on the General Board and was advised to re-post here, so here goes again!

I'm new here and I am in need of advice.

I'm in love with this girl (I mean madly! Can't sleep. can't eat kind of love!) and I have no idea what to do! We've been friends for a few years and I'm shit scared to tell her because I've been knocked back before and it is not the greatest experience!

We have so much in common and get along so well it just seems right to me but I have doubts she feels the same. It's all very confusing because she sends me messages saying, 'it would be great to see me' Aaargh drives me mad!

Female thoughts are what I'm looking for mainly but if any dudes are in the same boat do share!

Thanks for listening to a whiny pussy! lol

Only two ways to find out:
1. Make a reasonably classy move physically
2. Talk about how you feel

I recommend making a move physically, as a) if it goes south although its more embarrassing in the moment, she could not really trash you to friends or family, b) in my experience this has a higher probability of success than emo chit chat which will come off as weak, and c) if it doesn't work she's still likely to be somewhat flattered and you can play it off as momentary horniess to salvage the friendship.

I'd definitely go for it though; my only real regrets interpersonally in life are the risks I didn't take.

 

[Pinkneonsocks]

Talk to her about it, but don't over-do it. Approach the subject with caution when you're both in a relaxed environment. I don't know if I'd let her know how deep your feelings go. I say that only to protect yourself. Just chat about the idea of there being more than just friendship between the two of you.

I disagree with approaching her physically first, because the rejection - if it should happen - could be heart breaking.

 

[3rd_heat]

Talk to her about it, but don't over-do it. Approach the subject with caution when you're both in a relaxed environment. I don't know if I'd let her how deep your feelings go. I say that only to protect yourself. Just chat about the idea of there being more than just friendship between the two of you.

I disagree with approaching her physically first, because the rejection - if it should happen - could be heart breaking.

Thanks, I'm assuming I would have to come off confident and not some jabbering fool?

 

[Pinkneonsocks]

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. I live by it. So, that being said. Prepare yourself for the rejection. Although that may be difficult to do, it's something that might save you in the end.

 

[3rd_heat]

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. I live by it. So, that being said. Prepare yourself for the rejection. Although that may be difficult to do, it's something that might save you in the end.

Oh don't worry I am prepared for that, It sounds defeatist but I don't expect her to say yes. I've always thought if a guy is confident he might stand more of a chance.

 

[SweetErika]

What is it that makes you doubt she has feelings for you, too? Can you point to specific things, or are you just worried she might not? IOW, are your doubts based on any kind of evidence, or purely rooted in emotion?

Also, how will you feel if you continue to keep your thoughts on how compatible you two might be to yourself and perhaps miss the opportunity for a great relationship with this woman? Looking down the road, would the fear and pain of rejection be worse, or would missing the opportunity due to your fears be worse?

Finally, if you are good friends who have a lot in common, how badly could telling her you care for her and think you two have a lot of commonalities really turn out? Is she the type of person who would ditch you long-term because you two shared an uncomfortable experience, or the type of friend who is likely to stick around in spite of some discomfort?

 

[janeyl]

I used to worry about this stuff before to the detriment of relationships I could have had-now my philosophy is this-

"I'd rather be hung for a sheep as for a lamb"

(and I know you'll probably know what this means being from the UK)

So far it hasn't taken me far wrong

Good luck-I hope it works out for you

 

[3rd_heat]

What is it that makes you doubt she has feelings for you, too? Can you point to specific things, or are you just worried she might not? IOW, are your doubts based on any kind of evidence, or purely rooted in emotion?

Also, how will you feel if you continue to keep your thoughts on how compatible you two might be to yourself and perhaps miss the opportunity for a great relationship with this woman? Looking down the road, would the fear and pain of rejection be worse, or would missing the opportunity due to your fears be worse?

Finally, if you are good friends who have a lot in common, how badly could telling her you care for her and think you two have a lot of commonalities really turn out? Is she the type of person who would ditch you long-term because you two shared an uncomfortable experience, or the type of friend who is likely to stick around in spite of some discomfort?

I think it's purely rooted in emotion, I always assume the worst!

I suppose missing out is worst, I just have to summon the courage to ask her!

If I told her no matter the outcome she would stick around she is not the knid of girl who would run miles. Thanks for the advice.

 

[3rd_heat]

I used to worry about this stuff before to the detriment of relationships I could have had-now my philosophy is this-

"I'd rather be hung for a sheep as for a lamb"

(and I know you'll probably know what this means being from the UK)

So far it hasn't taken me far wrong

Good luck-I hope it works out for you

Yeah I do know and I know it makes sense, again I have to summon the courage!
Thanks.

 

[twysted73]

You could approach it naturally. No lines, no moves. Just "you". Give her a hug...connect with her as you always do. Have a good time. And wait for that one moment when you can tell she's feeling close to you as you are to her.
Simply tell her how you've noticed how well you both get on. How much you enjoy being with her. Leave it at that. And simply allow her own mind to make the connections. Allowing her to realize what you're saying, subtly suggesting and then wait for her to either come back right then or later when her mind's processed the possabillities.

Size the moment, but don't choke it to death. Women appreciate subtlty.

Slainte`.

 

[SweetErika]

I think it's purely rooted in emotion, I always assume the worst!

I suppose missing out is worst, I just have to summon the courage to ask her!

If I told her no matter the outcome she would stick around she is not the knid of girl who would run miles. Thanks for the advice.

Well, there's your answer then.

Preparing for the worst outcome is all well and good, provided it doesn't paralyze you into inaction. If it does, you'll never have a chance to experience the best.

Don't worry about getting up your courage, just approach it with optimism and honesty. Most women seriously appreciate confidence and honesty, so you'll likely have a big advantage just by assuming everything will work out for the best and letting her know you really care about and enjoy her.

Simply tell her how you've noticed how well you both get on. How much you enjoy being with her. Leave it at that. And simply allow her own mind to make the connections. Allowing her to realize what you're saying, subtly suggesting and then wait for her to either come back right then or later when her mind's processed the possabillities.

Size the moment, but don't choke it to death. Women appreciate subtlty.

I can totally see myself not making the connection and responding with, "I agree with really click and enjoy spending time with you, too," or similar. And I like to analyze just about everything; I'm often an overanalyzer.

I guess it'd heavily depend on the specific moment and tone, but I can see too much subtlety being a recipe for miscommunication with me and a lot of other women. A more direct (but not in-your-face) approach would make me melt, regardless of whether or not I was interested in, or had the same goal as, the person because I appreciate what it takes to go out on that limb.

 

[PoeticMusings53]

The worst place to go for relationship advice about how to court a woman is other women. They always say they want the nice, sweet, "talk about my feelings" guy, but in practice they almost universally go for the alpha male. Yes, they love it when the alpha is also sweet and nice, but that's of secondary importance.

Make sure that if you're going the verbal route to keep it very short and confident. "I'm attracted to you" or "I want you" or "I want to be more than just friends". Ovid favors the bold. And makes fun of the timid.

 

[SweetErika]

The worst place to go for relationship advice about how to court a woman is other women. They always say they want the nice, sweet, "talk about my feelings" guy, but in practice they almost universally go for the alpha male. Yes, they love it when the alpha is also sweet and nice, but that's of secondary importance.

How, specifically, do you define alpha male? What qualities does an alpha male have that a beta/non-alpha male doesn't, in your mind?

 

[breezyblue]

The worst place to go for relationship advice about how to court a woman is other women.

I have to strongly disagree with you. The only people who could possibly claim to know what women want and give the best advice on how they would like to be courted are those women themselves individually. So really I don't think there is a best or worst place to go for advice about courting a specific lady at all. That being said, certainly other women who have been courted in the past and know what they like are a good resource for ideas and information about their preferences about being approached. A guy can say anything he wants about how 'they love it when I am the alpha male' or whatever about approaching women but until you have heard from the women themselves that they like it it means nothing at all. You could say 'they love it when men grope them on subways" and you would have the same situation. It doesn't mean anything when a guy says it because how in the world would he know? - he doesn't know. It is the woman's opinion that makes it true.

Yes, they love it when the alpha is also sweet and nice, but that's of secondary importance.

Absolutely not. I wouldn't even think of dating someone who did not posses the qualities of kindness/sweetness. That would make him an asshole or at the very least emotionally vacant and disturbed.

 

[PoeticMusings53]

How, specifically, do you define alpha male? What qualities does an alpha male have that a beta/non-alpha male doesn't, in your mind?

Confident, challenging, intelligent, limited amounts of fear/groveling, assertive, solvent, etc.

I have to strongly disagree with you. The only people who could possibly claim to know what women want and give the best advice on how they would like to be courted are those women themselves individually.

You're assuing women are rational in terms of who they choose to date or sleep with - they're not, and neither are men.

You may know what a woman wants, but that's very different from what she chooses to date or sleep with. Although I know that almost every man enjoys a steak and a blowjob, I have almost not clue as to how a woman would want to go about turning a friendship into a romance with a man.

Absolutely not. I wouldn't even think of dating someone who did not posses the qualities of kindness/sweetness. That would make him an asshole or at the very least emotionally vacant and disturbed.

Because assholes never get the girl, right?

 

[breezyblue]

Because assholes never get the girl, right?

They may get to fuck them but they don't get to keep them. At least not a woman who values herself as a person.

 

[fire_breeze]

Simply tell her how you've noticed how well you both get on. How much you enjoy being with her. Leave it at that. And simply allow her own mind to make the connections. Allowing her to realize what you're saying, subtly suggesting and then wait for her to either come back right then or later when her mind's processed the possabillities.

Like SweetErika, I tend to analyse everything and would probably not make the connection. Actually, I know I wouldn't.

True story: In the past several years, I found out that three of my close guy friends developed feelings for me years ago. I had absolutely no idea until years after. The last conversation went something along this line: "You know, Fire, when we were in Uni working on that show, I really hoped that something would have developed."

"What?"

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"But, Breezy, I did - I told you that I liked spending time with you, and you said that you did too and then nothing, so I figured that was it." At this point, I dropped my coffee and was completely speechless. And I should add that I am rarely speechless.

The point of this dumb tangent is that often being too subtle does not work. Girls can be incredibly dense too .

Personally, I would follow Erika's advice about being direct but not creepy. There is little chance of misinterpreting the line of communication, and if it's done with dignity and tact, it would be that much sweeter, for a lack of a better term.

Good luck.

 

[SweetErika]

Confident, challenging, intelligent, limited amounts of fear/groveling, assertive, solvent, etc.

Very few people aren't looking for those traits in a partner, regardless of gender. Along with kindness, respect, compatibility and the rest of the 'good stuff,' I certainly look for those traits in the men and women I want to have friendships and romantic relationships with.

You're assuing women are rational in terms of who they choose to date or sleep with - they're not, and neither are men.

Logic may not be a factor when it comes to attraction, but it often is a big one in our choices/behaviors.

I've been attracted to a lot of people I've logically chosen not to date or sleep with for a wide variety of reasons. Plenty of people ignore reason and act purely (or primarily) on attraction, but a significant number of us actually approach dating and sex rationally.

You may know what a woman wants, but that's very different from what she chooses to date or sleep with.

That wholly depends on the woman. I date and sleep with people who have the qualities I'm looking for, period. I don't settle or say I'm looking for one thing and then go for another.

Because assholes never get the girl, right?

Assholes get the immature girls or those nice guys generally don't really want anyway. If you're not an asshole, do you truly want a girl who doesn't realize she deserves to be treated well and/or feels so bad about herself or is so screwed up that she wants to be treated poorly?

 

[Eilan]

Dayum. I saw this alpha/beta stuff and I thought I'd taken a wrong turn onto Bodybuilding.com's Relationship Help forum.

 

[satindesire]

I have to say that Erica raises a damn fine point. Once a woman grows up past the bad boy phase and gets some self esteem, the 'nice guy' has a much greater appeal.

Some women, like myself, never understand why they're being abused and broken until a really nice guy finally gets the balls enough to speak up to her about it.

My NOW HUSBAND knew about my ex being physically and emotionally abusive and said to me "You haven't ever reached out past your comfort zone."

THAT clicked in my head. It suddenly made perfect sense. I thought I was picking "different" men but I wasn't, I was comfortable with the 'devil I did know'.

He is a 'reformed bad boy', he grew up past acting like a jerk to 'get chicks' long before he met me and we have an awesome relationship. He is a very good man...and I wish I could clone him so I can give him away to a few hundred women who would be much happier to have a nice guy like him.

Honestly, emotionally immature and confused low-self-esteem women date assholes, and those relationships are doomed from the start. Assholes DO get chicks, but is it a real healthy adult relationship? No.

So, in all honesty, implying that he should emulate assholish behavior in order to 'get' this woman is the farthest thing from helpful you could do.

 

[Natalya555]

Im not actually too sure about physical contact. If something leads to sex and she doesnt perhaps want a relationship with you it could make things very awkward. My boyfriend and i were just friends for a year. I had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend of 4 years. I wanted him so bad that i thought about all the time. We talked on the phone non stop. We saw each other. We hugged a little longer than normal "friends". There were a lot of clues that he liked me and that i liked him as well. Look for her signs. Coming from a girl, i think if she is saying it would great if u could see her, i see that as saying she wants to spend more time with you.

And you do like her so i would run with it. Like i said it took me a year to realize how much of scum i was currently dating to dump him and start dating my current boyfriend. Maybe she needs more time to just know you. Maybe she doesnt want to rush into things because she doesnt want things so serious. I would talk to her and find out her intentions. I suppose if she has none with you then all you can do is just be a good friend.

Now ive been in my relationship for almost a year. And having my best friend become my lover is one of the best descions i have ever made. I hope everything works out for you!

 

[3rd_heat]

Wow that is a lot more feedback than I was expecting! Thanks everyone.

I couldn't be an asshole to this girl even if I wanted to! I can be an asshole but not to her, she broke up with a guy because he was an asshole (He told her stuff like he was used to dating better looking girls etc and she cut him loose.) She has low self esteem I know that much, she doesn't listen when people compliment her she just brushes it all away, which is infuriating because she is great and I want to tell her that all the time!

I once attempted to tell her I liked her but I ballsed it up spectacularly! We had only known each other a few months when I did and she had just broken up with her boyfriend and I knew this but I went for it anyway (I say went for it, I mean I stuttered my way through 'I like you') and she wasn't ready for anything serious but she didn't run miles and we've been close ever since, she's at uni but we talk every week and when she's back in town we always see each other.

Aargh it all bends my mind into a pretzel!

 

[Eilan]

IHonestly, emotionally immature and confused low-self-esteem women date assholes, and those relationships are doomed from the start. Assholes DO get chicks, but is it a real healthy adult relationship? No.

And this is one reason why I get soooo infuriated when I hear all the "nice guys finish last" crap. But that's a whole other can of worms, and I'm sure it's been done to death here.

 

[PoeticMusings53]

Very few people aren't looking for those traits in a partner, regardless of gender. Along with kindness, respect, compatibility and the rest of the 'good stuff,' I certainly look for those traits in the men and women I want to have friendships and romantic relationships with.

I don't think most men care that much about confidence beyond a reasonable threshold level, assertiveness, or solvency. At least I don't.

Logic may not be a factor when it comes to attraction, but it often is a big one in our choices/behaviors.

I've been attracted to a lot of people I've logically chosen not to date or sleep with for a wide variety of reasons. Plenty of people ignore reason and act purely (or primarily) on attraction, but a significant number of us actually approach dating and sex rationally.

That wholly depends on the woman. I date and sleep with people who have the qualities I'm looking for, period. I don't settle or say I'm looking for one thing and then go for another.

Assholes get the immature girls or those nice guys generally don't really want anyway. If you're not an asshole, do you truly want a girl who doesn't realize she deserves to be treated well and/or feels so bad about herself or is so screwed up that she wants to be treated poorly?

With mature women, granted. With the vast majority of women under 25, which I'm guessing encompasses Eilian's desired, I think that compulsive sexual behavior is the rule instead of the exception.

I don't recommend that Elian be an asshole. I do recommend that he comes off confident, assertive, and without an ounce of neediness or groveling.

Wow that is a lot more feedback than I was expecting! Thanks everyone.

I couldn't be an asshole to this girl even if I wanted to! I can be an asshole but not to her, she broke up with a guy because he was an asshole (He told her stuff like he was used to dating better looking girls etc and she cut him loose.) She has low self esteem I know that much, she doesn't listen when people compliment her she just brushes it all away, which is infuriating because she is great and I want to tell her that all the time!

I once attempted to tell her I liked her but I ballsed it up spectacularly! We had only known each other a few months when I did and she had just broken up with her boyfriend and I knew this but I went for it anyway (I say went for it, I mean I stuttered my way through 'I like you') and she wasn't ready for anything serious but she didn't run miles and we've been close ever since, she's at uni but we talk every week and when she's back in town we always see each other.

Aargh it all bends my mind into a pretzel!

Why are you still posting about what you may or may not do? Take courage and either talk about it or kiss her, whichever you feel is best, then let us know how it goes.