the marks of a slave

[eastern sun]

I found all the trappings of slavery very exciting when I first came across them - the registry, the collar, the rituals, the titles. Because they turned me on, I wanted to incorporate these ideas/tokens/acts into our lives as we transformed our relationship.

One afternoon in about the first week of our "new" relationship, I knelt at his feet and placed my hands in my lap and bowed my head and asked him very shyly with downcast eyes what he would like me to call him now.

He looked at me like I was crazy and said "my name. I don't go in for all that theatrical shit."

And that was that.

(I'm a theater person. I like theater.)

He did buy me an anklet one mother's day after he discovered that it could be read as a symbol of my availability to other men. And he collared me fairly recently with a sleep collar I initially made to impress another dom.

In other words, he plays with the trappings to suit his whims. But, first and foremost, he expects me to respond in the moment without a prepared script or code of behavior.

I have often wished I had formal structures to fall back on. I think it would help with this performance anxiety I sometimes feel when he doesn't want to work very hard and sits back and growls "get me off."

I know, generally speaking, what particular mix of words and actions he's looking for. But this wall comes down inside. And I want the map. The slave positions. The overt directions. The path from here to there that I can rely on. The path that doesn't depend on me understanding anything, but just allows me to follow directions in order to get it right.

He is very generous with me. And frequently gives me unambiguous instructions. I can relax in them. And I am very grateful. And I love the times when I am simply bound and tethered, receiving whatever he lays out.

But a few weeks ago, he threatened to make me his own personal porn show as a punishment for the resistance I was showing at the time. And because of this performance anxiety that hits when the design is put back in my hands while I am desperately loosening my grip, I am filled with confusion and shut down.

I was wondering if some kind of "mantra" could help when those moments of performance anxiety hit. I think I might try it next time this happens. I rather liked the idea of reciting the registry number as a way to move through stress.

 

[eastern sun]

No, that's a fair question.

My take is that I can see a certain level of possession inherent in servitude, without necessarily giving up the amount of control implied in consensual slavery. On this point, TSR actually does allow for the option to be identified as a "submissive in the service of" as opposed to "property owned by".

Perhaps my idea is more along an indentured servant than a slave or being free? I do feel like, in the context of a D/s relationship, that I'm owned, even though I don't feel like I'm a slave. Does that make any sense at all? I feel like I'm babbling.

Yes, that makes sense. I don't know much about the registry. I've always interpreted it as a public means of documenting ownership.

 

[myinnerslut]

Masters PC went stupid, so he recently bought a mac. ive had a mac for about a year, so i know the keyboard controls, shortcuts, etc. better.

Master asked me about having a keyboard key for volume control, and i explained how to make a new shortcut key. almost immediatly after i burst into a big smile, and said "i love being useful"

i realized that i was seeing this not as an "i know more then you do" moment, but as a "Master is using my knowledge to help him do something" moment. it was a recognition that my thought process was such that i was serving him by being able to tell him how to do something.

before this, i had been doing the same thing, but without spending the time to introspect and identify the motivation. it felt good. it was a pat on the back moment. good to know i am doing what i am supposed to be doing, thinking in processes i am supposed to be thinking in, even when i am not activly trying to do so.

 

[eastern sun]

He just commented that the whole purpose of slaves are that they do things for you.

"I don't really see the use in going out to the barn, giving them a beating and then saying, 'see you later.'"

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I'm curious, if I may ask those of you who are registered . . . what does it mean to you? Is it like a "marriage certificate" documenting your relationship? Or is it a personal identity marker, like your social security number?

I'm registered with a SLRN number (as cited in my sig) and it was something I undertook to do myself after I had signed my contract with Master. He didn't see why I would want to register myself on a website like that and it wasn't a significant event for him. For myself, like Arkhilokhus, the objectification factor of being reduced to a number appealed to me and if Master had been more interested in the concept, it would have been more symbolic than it was.

I also like the knowledge that I retain my number even if I am released from Master. It gives me a feeling of having a permanent slave label that will not fall away if a time comes when I am no longer owned. If a pet is micro-chipped for example, that chip stays in place regardless of who owns the pet. Although the information it pertains to can be edited to give the details of a new owner, the pet remains a pet. Even a stray and unowned pet is a potential pet for somebody, a creature raised and trained as a domestic companion that will have a deep seated need for ownership, whether the pet remains a stray or not.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm curious, if I may ask those of you who are registered . . . what does it mean to you? Is it like a "marriage certificate" documenting your relationship? Or is it a personal identity marker, like your social security number?

I think it varies. For us it meant a lot at the time, and in some ways it still does, but since that time we have known of at least 3 people who signed on the SR as a bit of a giggle, and a few minutes checking the site shows they are not the only ones who think it a thrill for the moment , but not really serious. It also may be a number with all that goes with that, but reality is if the site closed tomorrow, or a dozen duplicate sites opened next week, that registered number would only retain the significance you personally can put to it more so than any reality of carrying a slave number on a register of slaves meant to mean anything beyond having it there online as a gesture. So just like wedding rings, collars, engagement rings, marriage certificates and a variety of other tangible symbols, it only carries significant meaning and reality of purpose for those who place value in its purpose beyond the moment, and respect that value and purpose.

Catalina

 

[JMohegan]

So just like wedding rings, collars, engagement rings, marriage certificates and a variety of other tangible symbols, it only carries significant meaning and reality of purpose for those who place value in its purpose beyond the moment, and respect that value and purpose.

I agree with the thrust of this comment completely.

Just a technical point, though - in the United States, a marriage certificate is considered to be a vital document, similar to birth certificate or death certificate, legally certifying that an event has taken place.

There are significant legal ramifications to marriage, of course. Rights and responsibilities and rules put forth by the state. Both parties bind themselves to these rights and responsibilities by signing the marriage document.

Getting back to the slave registry - it makes sense that the slave registrar registers the number to the slave, not the Master, because while many slaves commit to serve for a lifetime, many Masters retain the right to release.

 

[BiBunny]

Every now and then, reality hits hard, and it's painful. At Master and Mistress's house, I'm in sort of an alternate reality. But the real world occasionally intrudes in an obnoxious manner.

Kitty and I went to a friend's wedding on Saturday. It was really weird because I'm only 25 myself, but the bride is 3 years younger than me, and the groom is 6 years younger.

At the reception, Kitty and I hung out with several of the other single people there. They were a bunch of people that we went to high school with. But, this is the country, and I felt really awkward, as I was the oldest unmarried person in the group. (And my mother's been making "old maid" comments lately. Great, thanks, Mother. I'm flipping out about wrinkles around my eyes, and you're carrying on about that. Definitely not helping.)

I felt obligated to examine my issues because I never really seriously entertained the idea of getting married.

Sure, I think every woman has some idea in her head about what her wedding would be like if she ever did get married. I know I did. But I'm one of those people who loves big birthday and holiday celebrations with lots of friends and desserts and presents and pretty decorations, so I think it's always been more about the ceremony than the actual marriage for me. Sorority formals and semi-formals, open houses, and all the holidays make me happy. Maybe it's a country thing. I don't know.

I mean, I always adored sorority initiation time. Everyone else thought it was boring. But I was always like, "OMG, we're all dressed up, and the room is decorated so pretty, and we're sharing all these secrets of sisterhood with one another; I'm going to cry now!" My own initiation stands in my mind as one of the greatest moments of my life, even if I did have the upper respiratory infection from hell that day and was all fucked up on cough medicine for the thing. If it were possible to have the wedding without the marriage, I'd be all over it.

But I looked closely at myself to see what it is that was bothering me because I knew it wasn't really the "oh, no, now practically everyone's married but me" thing that it appeared to be on the surface.

Nope, it's just a slave's reality hitting me again.

I will never be like some slaves and be married to my Master. I don't want kids (and most likely can't have them, anyway), so that's not an issue. Master and Mistress are the happy couple to society, and, outside of maybe a handful of instances, I will always be the awkward single friend.

It's not even that I want to go around telling everyone in the world what I'm doing because I don't. I'm a private person, and my business is mine, not everyone else's. The most important people in my life know, and that's enough.

But I'd be lying if I said that always being the outsider didn't bother me in some ways. Master and Mistress certainly don't make me feel like an interloper, but under most circumstances that occur outside their home, that's what I will be in the eyes of others. I'm very much a wallflower, a blend-into-the-scenery kind of person, so sticking out like a sore thumb does bother me.

It's not even that I really want what Master and Mistress have together. I quite like what I have, thank you. If they tried to go around collecting subbies, I might be annoyed, but this is a wonderful situation for me. It's just that I'm not looking at this as some short-term thing for me. And looking at the long-term means realizing that in the eyes of a lot of people, I'll always be abnormal. Because, let's face it, for all the lip service we give choice feminism, a single woman past a certain age who's never been married, never had kids, and never seen out with anyone but her married friends is viewed as one of two things: an unfortunate soul to be pitied or a weirdo lesbian.

(This is also why I want to do horrible, non-consensual things to submissive women who claim feminism is "holding them back" from being what they want to be or whatever. Shut the fuck up, bitch. If the movement had accomplished what it initially set out to accomplish, no one would give a fuck what choices any of us made, but it hasn't yet, and blaming it for your problems damn sure isn't helping matters any. But that's a tangent I won't go off on right now.)

I'm hesitant to even say anything to Mistress or Master about it because it sounds so whiny and potentially offensive. Besides, these are my own issues to work out, not theirs. And I don't mean it in a bad way because I would not trade my life as their slave for anything. It's just that I don't particularly look forward to hearing my mother lecture me about finding a nice man, etc., etc. for the rest of my life. And I say "for the rest of my life" instead of "for the rest of hers" because I know she'll outlive me just to spite me.

Mistress said something once about a "formal" collaring ceremony (and by "formal," I mean in the dispensing of formalities way, not in the white tie way) for me, and I was embarrassed at the thought of having all that attention on me. I'm unbelievably low-maintenance, and, besides, I'm just a slave. I don't need anything special for me. I certainly don't need anything like that to remind me who and what I am and who I belong to.

But on the other hand, maybe I would like it. Nothing outlandish, of course. Just them and me. Or maybe a couple of my really kinky friends who would understand the significance. Just something special for me.

Then, when I get the "why aren't you married yet?" spiel, I can just grin secretly and think how they have no idea. I do have someone special. Two someones, to be exact. I could have my own special ceremony--while not the same as a wedding, certainly a commitment I'd take no less seriously--and my own piece of circular jewelry that symbolizes my commitment. I do have my own family, even if it's not exactly conventional.

I don't expect people who aren't into this way of life to understand. And I fully expect Christmases alone with my kinfolks for the rest of my life. But there is absolutely nothing in the world that makes me happier than my owners, even if reality is painful sometimes.

But that's the way of a slave's life, isn't it?

 

[JMohegan]

It's just that I'm not looking at this as some short-term thing for me. And looking at the long-term means realizing that in the eyes of a lot of people, I'll always be abnormal. Because, let's face it, for all the lip service we give choice feminism, a single woman past a certain age who's never been married, never had kids, and never seen out with anyone but her married friends is viewed as one of two things: an unfortunate soul to be pitied or a weirdo lesbian.

Condoleezza Rice, 54 years old, has never been married and never had kids. Political perspectives aside, I don't know a single person who pities her, or considers her to be a "weirdo lesbian." She comes across as smart, attractive, energetic, motivated, confidant, and vibrant. Living the life she wants to live.

I'm not telling you how to feel, BB, and I'm not implying that you have to be famous in order for people to cut you some slack. I am merely making the observation that a woman who seems to be busy, happy and thriving is usually viewed as just that, regardless of marital status.

There are single women whom I know personally who fit that description; I'm picking Dr. Rice because she's an example you'll be able to recognize as well. An Alabama girl, no less.

 

[BiBunny]

Condoleezza Rice, 54 years old, has never been married and never had kids. Political perspectives aside, I don't know a single person who pities her, or considers her to be a "weirdo lesbian." She comes across as smart, attractive, energetic, motivated, confidant, and vibrant. Living the life she wants to live.

I'm not telling you how to feel, BB, and I'm not implying that you have to be famous in order for people to cut you some slack. I am merely making the observation that a woman who seems to be busy, happy and thriving is usually viewed as just that, regardless of marital status.

There are single women whom I know personally who fit that description; I'm picking Dr. Rice because she's an example you'll be able to recognize as well. An Alabama girl, no less.

Thanks, JM. That does make me feel better. I hope I'll be one of those people that comes across as smart, attractive, energetic, motivated, confident, and vibrant and living the life I want to live. Not someone to be pitied. *Crosses fingers*

For the record, I realized upon re-reading that it looks like I said that lesbians are weirdos. Nope. I lesbians. I meant it from the perspective of other, less enlightened people. I hope I didn't offend anyone.

 

[JMohegan]

Thanks, JM. That does make me feel better. I hope I'll be one of those people that comes across as smart, attractive, energetic, motivated, confident, and vibrant and living the life I want to live. Not someone to be pitied. *Crosses fingers*

For the record, I realized upon re-reading that it looks like I said that lesbians are weirdos. Nope. I lesbians. I meant it from the perspective of other, less enlightened people. I hope I didn't offend anyone.

Quite welcome.

And I understood what you meant.

 

[intothewoods]

Thanks, JM. That does make me feel better. I hope I'll be one of those people that comes across as smart, attractive, energetic, motivated, confident, and vibrant and living the life I want to live. Not someone to be pitied. *Crosses fingers*

For the record, I realized upon re-reading that it looks like I said that lesbians are weirdos. Nope. I lesbians. I meant it from the perspective of other, less enlightened people. I hope I didn't offend anyone.

If it helps, I think that to a certain extent, everyone hits a point where you get a certain amount of flak for your choices, and it's a struggle. Obviously coming out is much more difficult than, say, choosing a career that your family disapproves of, or deciding not to have kids, but there is a commonality there. I feel personally like my 30s has been marked by becoming conscious of what I feel I should do, and really forging my own path based on what is right for me. It's still a work in progress. At any rate, all that is to say that I get where you're coming from and you're not alone.

Oh, um, slight hijack - my friend responded to me and had no links to recommend other than poly and kinky on fetlife.

 

[Netzach]

Every now and then, reality hits hard, and it's painful. At Master and Mistress's house, I'm in sort of an alternate reality. But the real world occasionally intrudes in an obnoxious manner.

Kitty and I went to a friend's wedding on Saturday. It was really weird because I'm only 25 myself, but the bride is 3 years younger than me, and the groom is 6 years younger.

At the reception, Kitty and I hung out with several of the other single people there. They were a bunch of people that we went to high school with. But, this is the country, and I felt really awkward, as I was the oldest unmarried person in the group. (And my mother's been making "old maid" comments lately. Great, thanks, Mother. I'm flipping out about wrinkles around my eyes, and you're carrying on about that. Definitely not helping.)

I felt obligated to examine my issues because I never really seriously entertained the idea of getting married.

Sure, I think every woman has some idea in her head about what her wedding would be like if she ever did get married. I know I did. But I'm one of those people who loves big birthday and holiday celebrations with lots of friends and desserts and presents and pretty decorations, so I think it's always been more about the ceremony than the actual marriage for me. Sorority formals and semi-formals, open houses, and all the holidays make me happy. Maybe it's a country thing. I don't know.

I mean, I always adored sorority initiation time. Everyone else thought it was boring. But I was always like, "OMG, we're all dressed up, and the room is decorated so pretty, and we're sharing all these secrets of sisterhood with one another; I'm going to cry now!" My own initiation stands in my mind as one of the greatest moments of my life, even if I did have the upper respiratory infection from hell that day and was all fucked up on cough medicine for the thing. If it were possible to have the wedding without the marriage, I'd be all over it.

But I looked closely at myself to see what it is that was bothering me because I knew it wasn't really the "oh, no, now practically everyone's married but me" thing that it appeared to be on the surface.

Nope, it's just a slave's reality hitting me again.

I will never be like some slaves and be married to my Master. I don't want kids (and most likely can't have them, anyway), so that's not an issue. Master and Mistress are the happy couple to society, and, outside of maybe a handful of instances, I will always be the awkward single friend.

It's not even that I want to go around telling everyone in the world what I'm doing because I don't. I'm a private person, and my business is mine, not everyone else's. The most important people in my life know, and that's enough.

But I'd be lying if I said that always being the outsider didn't bother me in some ways. Master and Mistress certainly don't make me feel like an interloper, but under most circumstances that occur outside their home, that's what I will be in the eyes of others. I'm very much a wallflower, a blend-into-the-scenery kind of person, so sticking out like a sore thumb does bother me.

It's not even that I really want what Master and Mistress have together. I quite like what I have, thank you. If they tried to go around collecting subbies, I might be annoyed, but this is a wonderful situation for me. It's just that I'm not looking at this as some short-term thing for me. And looking at the long-term means realizing that in the eyes of a lot of people, I'll always be abnormal. Because, let's face it, for all the lip service we give choice feminism, a single woman past a certain age who's never been married, never had kids, and never seen out with anyone but her married friends is viewed as one of two things: an unfortunate soul to be pitied or a weirdo lesbian.

(This is also why I want to do horrible, non-consensual things to submissive women who claim feminism is "holding them back" from being what they want to be or whatever. Shut the fuck up, bitch. If the movement had accomplished what it initially set out to accomplish, no one would give a fuck what choices any of us made, but it hasn't yet, and blaming it for your problems damn sure isn't helping matters any. But that's a tangent I won't go off on right now.)

I'm hesitant to even say anything to Mistress or Master about it because it sounds so whiny and potentially offensive. Besides, these are my own issues to work out, not theirs. And I don't mean it in a bad way because I would not trade my life as their slave for anything. It's just that I don't particularly look forward to hearing my mother lecture me about finding a nice man, etc., etc. for the rest of my life. And I say "for the rest of my life" instead of "for the rest of hers" because I know she'll outlive me just to spite me.

Mistress said something once about a "formal" collaring ceremony (and by "formal," I mean in the dispensing of formalities way, not in the white tie way) for me, and I was embarrassed at the thought of having all that attention on me. I'm unbelievably low-maintenance, and, besides, I'm just a slave. I don't need anything special for me. I certainly don't need anything like that to remind me who and what I am and who I belong to.

But on the other hand, maybe I would like it. Nothing outlandish, of course. Just them and me. Or maybe a couple of my really kinky friends who would understand the significance. Just something special for me.

Then, when I get the "why aren't you married yet?" spiel, I can just grin secretly and think how they have no idea. I do have someone special. Two someones, to be exact. I could have my own special ceremony--while not the same as a wedding, certainly a commitment I'd take no less seriously--and my own piece of circular jewelry that symbolizes my commitment. I do have my own family, even if it's not exactly conventional.

I don't expect people who aren't into this way of life to understand. And I fully expect Christmases alone with my kinfolks for the rest of my life. But there is absolutely nothing in the world that makes me happier than my owners, even if reality is painful sometimes.

But that's the way of a slave's life, isn't it?

Dude, when you make up your own rules, you are going to have a FEW moments of wistful longing for what you're giving up.

Promptly shattered by the little satisfactions and triumphs you get in life when you do make up your own rules.

 

[BiBunny]

If it helps, I think that to a certain extent, everyone hits a point where you get a certain amount of flak for your choices, and it's a struggle. Obviously coming out is much more difficult than, say, choosing a career that your family disapproves of, or deciding not to have kids, but there is a commonality there. I feel personally like my 30s has been marked by becoming conscious of what I feel I should do, and really forging my own path based on what is right for me. It's still a work in progress. At any rate, all that is to say that I get where you're coming from and you're not alone.

Oh, um, slight hijack - my friend responded to me and had no links to recommend other than poly and kinky on fetlife.

I think you're right about that. I have a bad habit of second-guessing myself, even when I know I'm making the right decision, anyhow.

And thanks for asking your friends for links for me.

hmm.... that could be offensive to other, less enlightened people, but if you don't explain it to them, we won't either.

LOL. I'll never say a word.

Dude, when you make up your own rules, you are going to have a FEW moments of wistful longing for what you're giving up.

Promptly shattered by the little satisfactions and triumphs you get in life when you do make up your own rules.

Yep. I agree with this 100%.

 

[Homburg]

Dude, when you make up your own rules, you are going to have a FEW moments of wistful longing for what you're giving up.

Promptly shattered by the little satisfactions and triumphs you get in life when you do make up your own rules.

This is essentially how I explain what I do, and why I don't let the what-if's get me down.

Admittedly, being male, straight, and (looking) white,I avoid a lot of judgement. And being a pretty good-sized chap, people tend to keep the judgements I don't avoid to themselves. Yay for privilege....

 

[eastern sun]

Mistress said something once about a "formal" collaring ceremony (and by "formal," I mean in the dispensing of formalities way, not in the white tie way) for me, and I was embarrassed at the thought of having all that attention on me. I'm unbelievably low-maintenance, and, besides, I'm just a slave. I don't need anything special for me. I certainly don't need anything like that to remind me who and what I am and who I belong to.

But on the other hand, maybe I would like it. Nothing outlandish, of course. Just them and me. Or maybe a couple of my really kinky friends who would understand the significance. Just something special for me.

Then, when I get the "why aren't you married yet?" spiel, I can just grin secretly and think how they have no idea. I do have someone special. Two someones, to be exact. I could have my own special ceremony--while not the same as a wedding, certainly a commitment I'd take no less seriously--and my own piece of circular jewelry that symbolizes my commitment. I do have my own family, even if it's not exactly conventional.

I don't expect people who aren't into this way of life to understand. And I fully expect Christmases alone with my kinfolks for the rest of my life. But there is absolutely nothing in the world that makes me happier than my owners, even if reality is painful sometimes.

But that's the way of a slave's life, isn't it?

I don't think you should deny yourself the pleasure of this ceremony if it's offered, BiBunny. Given your love of parties and initiation rituals, it seems like something that would be very meaningful to you.

Unless your master/mistress expressly forbids it, you can still express yourself as a slave. And create meaning in your life. We don't cease to exist when we become slaves. We still have needs (that's why we became "slaves" in the first place) and we wouldn't be true to ourselves if we didn't express them when we see them clearly.

Your Master and Mistress are then free to act as they please.

(And so is your mother )


As an aside, I'm kind of curious if anyone has ever had their freedom of expression completely curtailed in an M/s relationship. I thoroughly enjoy the periodic restrictions, and I am delighted when he tells me to "shut up," but I rarely feel completely shut down.

 

[eastern sun]

If it helps, I think that to a certain extent, everyone hits a point where you get a certain amount of flak for your choices, and it's a struggle. Obviously coming out is much more difficult than, say, choosing a career that your family disapproves of, or deciding not to have kids, but there is a commonality there. I feel personally like my 30s has been marked by becoming conscious of what I feel I should do, and really forging my own path based on what is right for me. It's still a work in progress. At any rate, all that is to say that I get where you're coming from and you're not alone.

Hear. Hear. And it's still "in progress" in your 40's too, if my experience is any indication.

A 66 year old woman I know just told me yesterday that she finally feels this year that she's grown up and no longer has to justify and/or reexamine her choices any more. She finally can just enjoy her life for what it is.

I don't know if that's the magic number, but it obviously takes a lifetime.

 

[eastern sun]

Dude, when you make up your own rules, you are going to have a FEW moments of wistful longing for what you're giving up.

Promptly shattered by the little satisfactions and triumphs you get in life when you do make up your own rules.

The biggest problem I've encountered in making up my own rules is the fact that I have to accept the consequences for my actions fully and completely. I lose the right to turn around and say "hey, I was just following orders."

But maybe that's not such a bad thing.

Said the slave.

 

[Homburg]

As an aside, I'm kind of curious if anyone has ever had their freedom of expression completely curtailed in an M/s relationship. I thoroughly enjoy the periodic restrictions, and I am delighted when he tells me to "shut up," but I rarely feel completely shut down.

I have been known to tell one of them to hush, and expect just that. I usually make it clear that they are to be silent and sit still until I am ready for it to be otherwise.

 

[Mistress_Belladonna]

Hear, hear!

I loathe the "just following orders" excuse.

I strongly feel that everyone is responsible for their actions, and should accept the consequences for them. So few people actually do though.

At the very least I remain sovereign over myself; no one controls my actions, even if i submit, it is my choice, my actions, and my consequences.

Thank you, Oberon! Well stated!

 

[Adakgirl]

Mistress said something once about a "formal" collaring ceremony (and by "formal," I mean in the dispensing of formalities way, not in the white tie way) for me, and I was embarrassed at the thought of having all that attention on me. I'm unbelievably low-maintenance, and, besides, I'm just a slave. I don't need anything special for me. I certainly don't need anything like that to remind me who and what I am and who I belong to.

I had to lol at you here saying you are unbelievably low-maintenance. I may be wrong but I believe I have read saying several times that you were high-maintenance? "Besides, I'm just a slave" does not mean you do not need anything special just for you and living as a slave in a poly relationship takes a very special unique person.

Having a special ceremony to officially acknowledge that you are being truly accepted as a part of the family and not simply an add-on, side-kick slave, that you are within that marriage that you are in all actuality binding with two other people, I feel would be an essential part of establishing your place. You are important and it is important for you to have something tangible that shows just how important you are. Even if it is just a ceremony where you are given a symbol to validate this relationship and your commitment to each other.

That Is just my opinion of course,

 

[eastern sun]

I had something to add to this actually;

by being so sovereign over myself, i absolutely own my decision to submit.

Its one thing to say, "well i did this because you told me to."

It's another to say, "I choose to perform as you desire, and I wholly accept any consequenses for it."

I'm curious about this feeling of sovereignty over self.

Ideally, the phrase evokes images of a strong and disciplined state, responsive to internal needs and stern in the face of invasive outside influence.

But I'm not sure how it applies to my own experience of being a slave.

I have a hard time maintaining my equilibrium. My steadiness of purpose. My peace of mind.

I say "I choose to perform as you desire," "I choose to be your slave," but then lose sight of my choice, because I am doing things that "he told me to" or with the sole intention of "pleasing him." And sometimes I need to invest a lot of energy into overcoming my internal resistance - changing lifelong habits, facing crippling fears and shame - in order to follow through.

In the middle of those internal struggles, I remind myself intellectually that "I chose this" but it doesn't always comfort me in the moment of resistance. And those moments can last weeks, and months, and even years.

He thinks the solution is to get rid of the internal battle. "Stop overanalyzing things." "Shut up and just do it." "Stop being so self-absorbed. . . blaming yourself. . . etc. etc." And I see his point.

But then some circumstance in our lives - some neglected detail that builds into a crisis - leads me to question every decision I ever made. Every choice that contributed to the fact that I missed seeing the importance of that detail.

And that includes the choice to be his slave. Because he missed it too.

And the internal war erupts once more.

I am not sovereign over myself.

If and when I try to be, outside circumstances disrupt my rule, invade my land, and send me to arms to defend my territory.

When I then retain my sovereignty by submitting, allowing the outside world to dictate my priorities, offering tithes and taxes to appease the more powerful force so that I may continue to govern the activities within my own territory, I may be at peace, but I don't feel "sovereign."

I'm not sure the concept of sovereignty works for me today.

I am hurting. Because I am not at peace with choices I have made. And it has nothing to do with him.

I don't know what's right. I don't know what's wrong.

I cannot pretend that I control anything any more.

I can take action. Or not.

And then watch what unfolds.

But I don't like seeing the consequences of my own mistakes. Especially when they're played out in the lives of my children.

 

[eastern sun]

In moments like this too, I hate it when he's right. When he sees the situation more clearly. In part because the clarity of his vision comes from the distance he's maintained, the very distance I wish he hadn't kept in the first place.

Yesterday, I felt my mother's pain in a whole new way.

******************************************

We are profoundly influenced by each other. As much as I try to maintain my boundaries, they dissolve as soon as I see you. And if I love you, I no longer know where I begin and you end.

Is this a good thing? Is it true?

I don't know.

The ground beneath my feet is shifting even while I stand. It makes me fear that I'll lose my balance.

 

[Adakgirl]

The ground beneath all of our feet has always shifted and moved, it has never stopped.
Does your fear of loosing your balance come from the knowledge that it will have to be you who will have to gather the strength to pick yourself up yet again?
Or that if you somehow can't do it, the fear that he will fold his arms and look at you with disgust, turn away and refuse to pick you back up?
Do you trust someone will be there for you..if you lose your balance and fall?

 

[Homburg]

The ground beneath all of our feet has always shifted and moved, it has never stopped.
Does your fear of loosing your balance come from the knowledge that it will have to be you who will have to gather the strength to pick yourself up yet again?
Or that if you somehow can't do it, the fear that he will fold his arms and look at you with disgust, turn away and refuse to pick you back up?
Do you trust someone will be there for you..if you lose your balance and fall?

*hugs*