the marks of a slave

[eastern sun]

I am afraid you have confused me eastern sun. Are you saying that your Master does not love you and never has? I am not there, I am not living your life as his slave, but from what I have read about him in this thread, I do not believe your love is unreciprocated.
That of course is only my opinion. Is that what you meant?

I'm sorry for the confusion. He loves me. At least, part of the time.

I was referring to situations outside my marriage.

It is the height of luxury, I admit, but one of my favorites was during my marriage. I was in a position where I could fully enter into the anguish, the pining, the desperation of unreciprocated devotion, in part because I had the security of a stable relationship to fall back on. I could throw myself into that ocean of feeling, drown myself in the wet fantasy-based desire, and lose my bearings completely with nothing to anchor me. And then feel the humiliating shame that just fucking burns when the emptiness of my attachment was revealed. The shock of the contrast between the world in my mind where my fantasies were always on the edge of total fulfillment and this cold, empty desolate landscape where I stood very small, and naked, and alone.

I nursed those feelings on a daily basis under his watchful eyes. He enjoyed it. He'd play me, feeding my desires, taking pleasure from my longing, and then ultimately reclaim me as his own with his whip and his cock.

It was a helluva game.

 

[eastern sun]

"You don't have to work so hard, baby. Touch my cock."

 

[myinnerslut]

"You don't have to work so hard, baby. Touch my cock."

well, when you put it like that...

 

[Adakgirl]

Meh, I'm not a slave, I should not be posting here ...

Don't be silly, if any one here should not be posting in this thread that would be me.

 

[myinnerslut]

philosophical musings

how is one a "slave"?

are you born a slave? do you become a slave? are you made into a slave?

did somebody train you, teach you, mold you? or was it always there inside of you?

is there an on/off switch? you werent, until suddenly something clicked and you were? once the switch flips, is it stuck in on, or can it slide back?

can you be a slave without a master?

can you decide you are a slave no longer, or is that as useless as "deciding" not to be short anymore?

is it who you are no matter what, or who you are in the situation you are in?

how is one a "slave"?

 

[Kajira Callista]

how is one a "slave"?

are you born a slave? do you become a slave? are you made into a slave?

did somebody train you, teach you, mold you? or was it always there inside of you?

is there an on/off switch? you werent, until suddenly something clicked and you were? once the switch flips, is it stuck in on, or can it slide back?

can you be a slave without a master?

can you decide you are a slave no longer, or is that as useless as "deciding" not to be short anymore?

is it who you are no matter what, or who you are in the situation you are in?

how is one a "slave"?

It lies dormant inside your soul until the right one opens that part of you and there she is...a slave. I think there is more of a pause button then switch...and no never is a submissive a slave without a Master.

 

[BiBunny]

how is one a "slave"?

are you born a slave? do you become a slave? are you made into a slave?

did somebody train you, teach you, mold you? or was it always there inside of you?

is there an on/off switch? you werent, until suddenly something clicked and you were? once the switch flips, is it stuck in on, or can it slide back?

can you be a slave without a master?

can you decide you are a slave no longer, or is that as useless as "deciding" not to be short anymore?

is it who you are no matter what, or who you are in the situation you are in?

how is one a "slave"?

I don't think I can ever know the real answers to those questions for myself. I know what I have to believe in order to preserve my own sanity sometimes. I don't expect anyone else to believe as I do.

I'm not prone to fits of romanticism. Anyone who knows me knows that. But I do not believe my being a slave was a coincidence or some happy accident of brain chemistry. I believe it was my destiny, chosen for me before my birth, whether by me, God in one or more of His various forms, or some combination thereof. (We won't go into my weird spiritual beliefs here.)

I was born to be a slave. My destiny is to serve, in some capacity or other. But not to serve everyone or most or even a handful of people. I think I'm here for a specific purpose. Master and Mistress, of course, are the specific purpose, and they are the ones who are the operators of the tool that is me.

I never had any idea about what I was until I met Master. None. I knew I was kinky, knew I had serious masochistic leanings, but one can have those things without having a submissive bone in one's body. I believed I was too intelligent, too independent, too capable, and had too much to do with my life to ever surrender myself like that.

I have never been more wrong about anything in my entire life.

And, then, when I met Mistress, it all fell into place. Even when I had Master, there was still a hole inside me. It took both of them to fill it. Maybe I am too intelligent, too independent, too capable, and have too much to do with my life to surrender myself to one person. So the Universe gave me to both of them and wished them the best of luck in dealing with me.

The people who say that submission is a process...well, I think they're wrong. It's a process in that it's an ongoing internal struggle, but I think when one who is meant to be a slave finds his/her Owner(s), there is no escaping that destiny. I think that no matter what happens, no matter how hard you try to run from it, you'll always be pulled back to it by some strange sort of gravity that's stronger than you are.

This is more than me. This is more than Master. This is more than Mistress. This is something that was decided a long time ago. They are the ones who use me for whatever good they're going to use me for. We just have to shut up and comply with destiny at this point.

I'm not a slave. I'm their slave. I always have been. The problem was, I haven't always known it. Now I know. And in spite of how hard it might be for me at times, I'll never escape this destiny. Nor will I ever truly want to.

Also, happy 5,000th post to me.

 

[Netzach]

Context is everything. I don't think of myself as a slave at all, nor even submissive as a person in general.

However the thought of refusing T anything whatsoever isn't in me, has never been in me, and is less fathomable the longer I spend hanging around him. The happier it makes me. The very nature of the relationship is predicated on my accepting a whole slough of things that few would accept.

I don't feel like I'd be missing this part of myself had I not encountered him. I don't feel like I'd have met it at all or been any poorer or the wiser either way- what I am with him doesn't exist without him - and I say this not wistfully, but factually.

I am a lot of things, a slave isn't one. I don't think I was born this way or that I'll be this way outside this relationship. I was born to hash out whatever I'm hashing out with T, M, H, my mother and everyone else in this lifetime is all I know. Whatever shape that takes at any given moment.

But saying no to him or thwarting his fun isn't in my plan.

 

[eastern sun]

how is one a "slave"?

are you born a slave? do you become a slave? are you made into a slave?

did somebody train you, teach you, mold you? or was it always there inside of you?

is there an on/off switch? you werent, until suddenly something clicked and you were? once the switch flips, is it stuck in on, or can it slide back?

can you be a slave without a master?

can you decide you are a slave no longer, or is that as useless as "deciding" not to be short anymore?

is it who you are no matter what, or who you are in the situation you are in?

how is one a "slave"?

Your questions are intriguing. What do you think, MIS?

Here are my musings. . . though I expect they'll change as time passes and I learn more about the world.

In my own case, I think the "slave" seed was planted sometime before conception, and just needed the right conditions to bloom.

And those conditions were multiple. Some were nurturing - the right master, the right cultural influences, the right mindset. Some of them were obstacles I had to overcome - internal and external prejudices, opposition, reluctance, fear.

I would say I was trained in the sense that the "slave seed" in me took root and bloomed under the influence of people I interacted with (and not only my husband). He then took the raw material and trained me to become "his slave," behaving in a way that served his needs.

I think it would be hard to be a slave without a master, because, in my opinion, "slavery" defines your relationship to another person.

You might think you'd like to be a "slave," because the idea resonates with something you feel (one of the conditions that nurtures the seed). But I don't think it's possible to experience "slavery" without having another person who is actively being your master.

I have experienced an on/off switch. But it feels like a switch on my own internal controls. Not specifically related to being a slave or not. And that switch can flip on and off under a number of different circumstances.

There are days I wake up and I don't want to be a slave. Mostly because, for some good or bad reason, I don't want to do what is required. Did my "slave" switch turn off? I don't think so. I think my internal control switch turned "on." Ultimately, it doesn't matter. I'm still his slave whether I want to be or not.

I believe I could have lived my whole life without ever identifying myself as a "slave." And I would have had a different life. Because I would have perceived it differently. Would I have been happier? Would I have chosen to stay married? I have no idea at all.

I do know that I am happier in the life I am living when I identify and then act as a "slave."

And so is he.

P.S. And then there's the purely sexual aspect. Born with it. Found the right guy. Though he's not the only guy to trigger these desires, he's the one I trust the most to hold my hand on the edge of the abyss.

 

[sinnocence]

So...it would be understandable if someone said they didn't know they were a slave until they met the person that brought it out in them?

 

[eastern sun]

So...it would be understandable if someone said they didn't know they were a slave until they met the person that brought it out in them?

Oh, yes. At least, in my opinion. And that's just the beginning. . . .

Before we got married, I laughed and told people that I was my husband's "sex slave," some of our friends even referred to me that way, and we were still surprised when our relationship took this turn.

Getting to know oneself is an interesting, and lifelong, journey.

 

[eastern sun]

Context is everything. I don't think of myself as a slave at all, nor even submissive as a person in general.

However the thought of refusing T anything whatsoever isn't in me, has never been in me, and is less fathomable the longer I spend hanging around him. The happier it makes me. The very nature of the relationship is predicated on my accepting a whole slough of things that few would accept.

I don't feel like I'd be missing this part of myself had I not encountered him. I don't feel like I'd have met it at all or been any poorer or the wiser either way- what I am with him doesn't exist without him - and I say this not wistfully, but factually.

I am a lot of things, a slave isn't one. I don't think I was born this way or that I'll be this way outside this relationship. I was born to hash out whatever I'm hashing out with T, M, H, my mother and everyone else in this lifetime is all I know. Whatever shape that takes at any given moment.

But saying no to him or thwarting his fun isn't in my plan.

I have had this type of relationship with one of my play partners. I literally cannot refuse him anything. I am even more submissive with him than I am with my husband, but I am not his slave.

I have all kinds of internal resistance around my husband. And I am his slave. I usually end up doing what he wants anyway. It's a totally different experience.

And the "difficulty" is a defining aspect of my slavery.

 

[eastern sun]

The people who say that submission is a process...well, I think they're wrong. It's a process in that it's an ongoing internal struggle, but I think when one who is meant to be a slave finds his/her Owner(s), there is no escaping that destiny. I think that no matter what happens, no matter how hard you try to run from it, you'll always be pulled back to it by some strange sort of gravity that's stronger than you are.

I dreamt of my husband a couple of months before I met him. With the clear message, this is the guy you're looking for.

Then I met him. I was one of two women living with ten men. He was the last person on my list of the people I wanted to fuck.

I have learned everything the hard way. Constantly resisting the flow of my life. Struggling against the ropes is a basic part of my nature.

He loves to tell me to "shut up and lie still."

 

[eastern sun]

It lies dormant inside your soul until the right one opens that part of you and there she is...a slave. I think there is more of a pause button then switch...and no never is a submissive a slave without a Master.

 

[sinnocence]

Oh, yes. At least, in my opinion. And that's just the beginning. . . .

Before we got married, I laughed and told people that I was my husband's "sex slave," some of our friends even referred to me that way, and we were still surprised when our relationship took this turn.

Getting to know oneself is an interesting, and lifelong, journey.

I, too, believe that getting to know yourself is a lifelong journey. And I'm still at the beginning. I would have never dreamed that I would be in the position that I am now. I never referred to myself as a slave before, nor did I think I would ever find a man that I would even *want* to submit to. To me, with all my previous relationships, the guys lacked that sort of something. You know, the something that makes you think, "Yep, this is the one." And in the end, none of them came close to deserving a girl that would submit to them (if they were into that sorta thing).

But when I met Master, it was like something clicked. Like I found the right key to open the door into this world that I had never really fully stepped into. He brought out so much in me that I never even knew existed. I began feeling these needs and desires that were so foreign...yet at the same time, so right. Although, when the subject of first being a slave came up, I'll admit I was hesitant. It was like my first reaction was "Whoa, wait, I don't know if I'd go that far." But the more time I spent with Him, the more I began to realize that I did have it in me.

So, I'd like to think that it was somewhere inside me and just needed some encouraging by the right person with the right amount of patience and understanding.

 

[purrrrrtee]

how is one a "slave"?

are you born a slave? do you become a slave? are you made into a slave?

did somebody train you, teach you, mold you? or was it always there inside of you? yes, I was trained, taught, molded... but it came as second nature to me.. he knew what was inside of me...

is there an on/off switch? you werent, until suddenly something clicked and you were? once the switch flips, is it stuck in on, or can it slide back? I always was, but it wasn't until I met Master that I found what I had been missing...

can you be a slave without a master? I will always be sub.. but I am not a slave without Master

can you decide you are a slave no longer, or is that as useless as "deciding" not to be short anymore? I believe you are always a slave in waiting.. just in harbor until the right Master comes along

is it who you are no matter what, or who you are in the situation you are in? I have been in relationships where I was not a slave.. and I can function perfectly well as one as well as not being one..

how is one a "slave"? that is up to the Master and the slave.. you make your own rules...

 

[myinnerslut]

how is one a "slave"?

are you born a slave? do you become a slave? are you made into a slave?

did somebody train you, teach you, mold you? or was it always there inside of you?

is there an on/off switch? you werent, until suddenly something clicked and you were? once the switch flips, is it stuck in on, or can it slide back?

can you be a slave without a master?

can you decide you are a slave no longer, or is that as useless as "deciding" not to be short anymore?

is it who you are no matter what, or who you are in the situation you are in?

how is one a "slave"?

oh geeze.. i had answers when i typed this up but its been a while, so lets see.

i am a slave. i am his slave. i denied being a slave, or even having the potential for it for a long time before i came to wear i am. Master recognized it in me months before we actually began a relationship. he told me as much, and i tried my hardest to tell him he was wrong. he wasnt, but i didnt know that yet. he was positive he was right, becuase in his own words, he was only attracted to slaves and saw it very clearly in me.

i was born with the potential for slavery. i was born with the desire and burning need to submit. from my very early childhood i sought out opportunities to serve, both imagined and real. i was clearly submissive, and was comfortable with that. the me that was a slave, that wanted it, was suppressed for years and years. the right conditions were never around to make that part emerge and blossom.

then the situation changed, and the conditions were right. the loose ends began getting tied beck in place, and my desires were molded to fit the person i now call Master. in all honesty i acted as his slave even before the collar was on my neck. once i officially became his slave, i felt a huge weight lift off of me. the part of me that had been lost for years and years was finally in a comfortable happy spot. i dont think i could ever go back. i dont think i could ever be happy not being a slave.

though fun fact, the slave registrar registers the number to the slave, not the Master. thier reasoning is that you will always be a slave, while relationships can change. they would rather register the slave then the relationship becuase of this.

 

[eastern sun]

oh geeze.. i had answers when i typed this up but its been a while, so lets see.

Sorry I took so long to ask. I'm still on restricted access to the internet.

fun fact, the slave registrar registers the number to the slave, not the Master. thier reasoning is that you will always be a slave, while relationships can change. they would rather register the slave then the relationship because of this.

That's interesting. My first reaction was - whoa! how can that be? if you're released, you're not a slave any more.

I'm curious, if I may ask those of you who are registered . . . what does it mean to you? Is it like a "marriage certificate" documenting your relationship? Or is it a personal identity marker, like your social security number?

 

[intothewoods]

Alert, danger.

I definitely *have trouble* doing or thinking about doing things with M because being my husband the risk is much much higher should things suck ass. That's MY problem to work on. My meshuggah thing.

But "I can't because you are in this compartment" is a red flag for me, sorry. Meh, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. There's a fine line and somehow to me "I can't because you're going to be my wife" puts it on YOU.

Btw, an update. We talked about this a little more today. I started to think, maybe I shouldn't let that one go. Since we are monogamous, we are the only ones who are there to meet each other's sexual needs. All of them. So I wanted to make it clear to him - you can go there with me. I'm not one for giving orders , I said, but I think maybe you have to go there, because if you don't then I'm not meeting your needs, and I'm not your sexual partner in crime (something Dan Savage says that married folks should be). So I want you to know that you can go there. And he thought that was a good point.

Lots of thinking, talking, percolating going on right now in terms of what we want - D/s in the context of marriage and other stuff. So much to talk about, but it's good. Sometimes it seems like there is so much there and it surprises me. Have I said this before? I mean, heck, when you've got work, kids, the house, yada yada...you sometimes talk about something other than sex and then all of a sudden you touch on it again and it's like, wow, there's just so much here to talk about. We could make talking about sex our full time jobs!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

how is one a "slave"?

are you born a slave? do you become a slave? are you made into a slave?

did somebody train you, teach you, mold you? or was it always there inside of you?

Yes it was. At the very least, the potential was always there. I was the kind of kid who rooted for the bad guys in fairytales and fantasised about being abducted by my favourite popstars. This was way before I had any real notion of sex or comprehended that my own sexual leanings were submissive. It was simply the way I thought, my status quo and because of that it didn't feel alien and I didn't examine or question it for a long time.

is there an on/off switch? you werent, until suddenly something clicked and you were? once the switch flips, is it stuck in on, or can it slide back?

I think my on switch was thrown when I first realised how much power I was prepared to cede. Before that point I had questioned whether yielding to such a degree could ever be healthy or fulfilling. I made each step and each concession with a string of caveats attached in case I changed my mind. When I first realised just how much I trusted my Master and how safe I felt in his hands, all my other fears seemed ungrounded. Fortunately, I have been proven right about him and have never regretted my choice. After I came to that realisation, the collaring and the contract were merely a formality, a ritual. In my mind I was already there and nothing could change me back into the kind of person who thrives in a vanilla relationship.

I have my petty rebellions and resentments. I am very far from perfect and I don't always feel particularly submissive. I have no power to gainsay my Master however and I have never attempted to claw it back so I would say that my slave switch has remained 'on' regardless of whether I'm having a good slave day or a PMT fuelled, sammy little bitch day. I know that some of my mini-mutinies are born of a desire to be forcibly put back in my place and refresh the fear I have of displeasing my Master. Fortunately, these attempts at manipulation are completely transparent and he almost always sees them for what they are.

can you be a slave without a master?

I think so. If something happens in the future to part Master and I, I will still have a slave mindset and a deep seated need for a TPE dynamic. Is a gay guy gay even when he's single? Of course he is. In the same way, my slave sexuality is as indelible as my DNA.

can you decide you are a slave no longer, or is that as useless as "deciding" not to be short anymore?

Oh the fun I'd have if I could decide not to be short any more! The top shelves in the supermarket would be my bitches!

Ahem... I digress.

I don't think I could decide not to be a slave. Even if I fell for a vanilla guy and tried to make that work I would still be service oriented, still be a giver and a pleaser. I always thought I gave too much in relationships but that was before I met a man who considered that just enough. I suppose I could re-train myself over time but why would I want to? Many vanilla couples I know have a huge amount of conflict because they're both trying to steer the ship. I'm first mate material, not a captain.

is it who you are no matter what, or who you are in the situation you are in?

I like to think so. Once a gay person realises they are gay and accepts that, they can never return to an ignorant state, a state of not knowing or not being sure. In the same way, having experienced slavery and found it to be my calling, I remain a slave wherever I am and whatever I'm doing. I can never go back to the days before I embraced and explored by submissive sexuality, I might as well try to forget how to ride a bicycle.

how is one a "slave"?

Um... all of the above I guess. For a long time I have seen BDSM as a kind of niche sexuality, which is why I have used the example of homosexuality to illustrate how intrinsic it is for me. Slavery is a kind of niche within a niche. I don't believe I would be happy and content in a D/s favoured relationship now that I have experienced TPE. It has become a large part of who I am, the axis on which every other facet of my character spins. I have also put in the effort to train as a slave, to learn how my Master wishes to be pleased and where the lines of his authority lie, with bright red tape marked 'do not cross.'

Having said that, there are facets of TPE that I simply have no interest in. I could not cope with micro-management or with a man who wanted to push me past boundaries that would wound my soul, just to prove my devotion to him. I could never engage in scat, rainbow, bestiality, necro, incest or any number of other hard limits and I do not consider myself to be less worthy a slave for that. I could never call a sexual partner 'Daddy' and to force me to it would be cruel and needless. I know myself well enough to know there are places that slavery will not take me. Just as you wouldn't drive a sports car off road in Africa on safari, there are some places I am just not equipped for or meant to go.

 

[myinnerslut]

I'm curious, if I may ask those of you who are registered . . . what does it mean to you? Is it like a "marriage certificate" documenting your relationship? Or is it a personal identity marker, like your social security number?

for me it was another step. Master is fond of saying that the collar means more then a wedding ring, so in that sense i guess it is like a marriage certificate. it is also an identifier. it was a public (sort of, being anonymous and all) announcement that i was his, period. it wasnt something we did right away, but rather something i was a bit hesitant to do.

viv was registered before i was, which makes sense when you think about it as she was a slave first. i wasnt going to be registered until i asked for it. Master didnt want to push it on me. i was planning on asking on the last day of my first big visit, which i thought was an appropriate time, but about a week in the time was right. we were laying in bed, and i/Master got really upset about me leaving. i realized that waiting was silly, and i wanted nothing more then to be his save always, forever, and as publicly as we would make it given realistic constraints.

so we got out of bed, made out way to the computer, and with my wrists still cuffed together for bed i logged onto the site and began to register. Master and viv were standing behind me, to give me instruction on what to type, and for support/to share the moment respectively. it was a very powerful moment, and it made all of us very happy.

Master has printed out certificates for both viv and i. the two of us both have a business card size ID card with out number and barcode on it, which i laminated and we each keep in our wallets. Master has a card for each of us.

(as a complete aside, Master and i have a lot of fun trying the barcodes out at the price self checkers at grocery stores and walmart and the like. it has yet to ring up as anything other then "item not in stock", but we imagine one day we will scan it and it will come up as "green peas $2.39". the whole concept amuses us both greatly).

viv and i also both wear anklets that have no graceful way of being removed, short of cutting the wire. strung on each anklet are number beads that make up our SLRN numbers. people have asked me what the numbers were before, but i always reply with "it has personal meaning to me". ive gotten guesses like phone numbers, dates, birthdays, even latitude an longitude (which a cool idea, but no).

my slave registration number is 340-147-837. it is one of many things that binds me to Master. i cant say i agree with the website's stance on being registered to a slave not a relationship, because i can never see myself relating this number to anything except this relationship and my place in it.

 

[Arkhilokhus]

I hope a little intrusion by a not-slave would be okay?

Many vanilla couples I know have a huge amount of conflict because they're both trying to steer the ship. I'm first mate material, not a captain.

I really identified with this. Even in my professional life, I've been in enough leadership positions to know that I'll never be more than mediocre leader. But I am an OUTSTANDING aide. And that's even more true in my romantic life. I'm an exception to the male submissive stereotype in that way, I suppose.

I'm curious, if I may ask those of you who are registered . . . what does it mean to you? Is it like a "marriage certificate" documenting your relationship? Or is it a personal identity marker, like your social security number?

I went ahead and registered myself, even though I'm not in a relationship. The objectification the numbers imply is something I enjoy. In fact, I actually spent a day or so memorizing my SLRN after I registered, which got me very, very hot. And since then, I find repeating my number can be rather calming, although that may just be the old trick of focusing on abstract ideas to deal with stress.

So put me down for the personal identity marker option.

 

[myinnerslut]

And since then, I find repeating my number can be rather calming, although that may just be the old trick of focusing on abstract ideas to deal with stress.

i do the same thing. with my SLRN number, but more commonly with a "mantra" Master and i came up with months and months ago to help me keep my mind focused.

*i am Master's slave, and he loves me just the way i am*

 

[eastern sun]

I hope a little intrusion by a not-slave would be okay?

I really identified with this. Even in my professional life, I've been in enough leadership positions to know that I'll never be more than mediocre leader. But I am an OUTSTANDING aide. And that's even more true in my romantic life. I'm an exception to the male submissive stereotype in that way, I suppose.

I went ahead and registered myself, even though I'm not in a relationship. The objectification the numbers imply is something I enjoy. In fact, I actually spent a day or so memorizing my SLRN after I registered, which got me very, very hot. And since then, I find repeating my number can be rather calming, although that may just be the old trick of focusing on abstract ideas to deal with stress.

So put me down for the personal identity marker option.

I really don't mean this to be a challenge, Arkhilokhus. But how do you integrate being a "not-slave" with an SLRN?

 

[Arkhilokhus]

I really don't mean this to be a challenge, Arkhilokhus. But how do you integrate being a "not-slave" with an SLRN?

No, that's a fair question.

My take is that I can see a certain level of possession inherent in servitude, without necessarily giving up the amount of control implied in consensual slavery. On this point, TSR actually does allow for the option to be identified as a "submissive in the service of" as opposed to "property owned by".

Perhaps my idea is more along an indentured servant than a slave or being free? I do feel like, in the context of a D/s relationship, that I'm owned, even though I don't feel like I'm a slave. Does that make any sense at all? I feel like I'm babbling.