how to explain I'm not freakin out

[blackdragonfly]

I have been with this man for 7 years and we have toyed with many sexual ideas and what we wanted to do and what not (although I would say 75% of the time it was just talk durring foreplay and what not). I have just gotten through a horrific period in my life and due to the experinces that I had, have become much more secure with who I am, my sexuality and willing to do alot more in the bedroom (or where ever as the case may be).

The problem is that he has tried getting a little ruff with me or pushing my limits and I get that wide eyed fear look in my eyes and seem reluctant to do anything (but I allways do whatever is being asked). What I can't figure out is a way to explain that I don't want him to stop and the fear I am having is more of a turn on for me. That I enjoy him ordering me to do diffrent things and that it is getting me to be much more willing to do it over again with out as much hesatation.

Given that he and I had a talk that I laid this out pretty much as I just stated above and won't get to "try it out" unill he gets out here again this weekend (long story of why we are appart but not somthing either of us is choosing).

-and btw very sorry bout my horrid spelling-

 

[Recidiva]

I'd explore the idea of a safe word. He can keep going and know if you want it to stop, you can.

 

[blackdragonfly]

yeah that was my first suggestion. I know that he is into doing alot of things as he used to be part of the bdsm group nearby (till he had a stalker) and has talked many times about doing diffrent things.

I want to take it slow with him at first just because truly I don't know where my limits are anymore.

 

[Recidiva]

yeah that was my first suggestion. I know that he is into doing alot of things as he used to be part of the bdsm group nearby (till he had a stalker) and has talked many times about doing diffrent things.

I want to take it slow with him at first just because truly I don't know where my limits are anymore.

Well that's where safe words come in. As long as he's reasonably sure you can talk, he doesn't have to worry about reading everything else and can just keep going.

It's a ref's whistle. Game on until you hear it.

 

[blackdragonfly]

ok, so this might be a dumb question but what are some good safe words? I said that pineapple would be good but idk. I just know it's supposed to be a word you wouldn't usualy use.

 

[Recidiva]

ok, so this might be a dumb question but what are some good safe words? I said that pineapple would be good but idk. I just know it's supposed to be a word you wouldn't usualy use.

I don't think it really matters.

But if you're likely to involve the word pineapple anywhere, then no.

I'm partial to something like "Nebelwerfer" which is World War something German weaponry. I just always thought the word was funny.

Of course if that won't come to mind and you'll forget "Nebelwerfer" go with something else.

 

[blackdragonfly]

lol great word there! tysm for the advice. I'm sure we will come up with somthin. I worry that he will stop anyways though. He's so worried bout hurting me, drives me nuts. but at least I know he cares and that's all that matters.

 

[Recidiva]

lol great word there! tysm for the advice. I'm sure we will come up with somthin. I worry that he will stop anyways though. He's so worried bout hurting me, drives me nuts. but at least I know he cares and that's all that matters.

You're welcome

I'm sure you guys can work it out, just reassure him you won't let him hurt you and you know how important it is to him that he doesn't. If you both take responsibility for that, you can both be reassured and focus on the fun bits.

 

[MisterSir]

ok, so this might be a dumb question but what are some good safe words? I said that pineapple would be good but idk. I just know it's supposed to be a word you wouldn't usualy use.

Pineapple is good, although the common one is "red". Goes with the traffic-light motif.

 

[graceanne]

Well that's where safe words come in. As long as he's reasonably sure you can talk, he doesn't have to worry about reading everything else and can just keep going.

It's a ref's whistle. Game on until you hear it.

There ways around being able to speak (or not). Like a ball with a bell in it that will ring if you drop it. Or snapping, which is what I do if K and I are doing breath play and I get anxious.

 

[Recidiva]

There ways around being able to speak (or not). Like a ball with a bell in it that will ring if you drop it. Or snapping, which is what I do if K and I are doing breath play and I get anxious.

Yeah, anything where partners are assured they can signal.

Hell, you can even just use the word "safeword" as a safe word.

Even tapping out, like in wrestling.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

.... Even tapping out, like in wrestling.

As long as he doesn't think you're tapping your fingers like you're bored with what he's doing and want him to ramp it up.

I've always found "red" to be very simple and easy for even a novice to use (with one notable - and hilarious - exception {It wasn't that she wanted to safeword, she was thrilled with what was happening. We were using green-yellow-red and when, checking up on her, I asked for a color, she was so deep into subspace she said, "purrrrrrplllle." When I specified "green, yellow or red?" she replied, sloooowwwwlllyyyy, "Ohhhhh... greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnn."}).

 

[00Syd]

As long as he doesn't think you're tapping your fingers like you're bored with what he's doing and want him to ramp it up.

I've always found "red" to be very simple and easy for even a novice to use (with one notable - and hilarious - exception {It wasn't that she wanted to safeword, she was thrilled with what was happening. We were using green-yellow-red and when, checking up on her, I asked for a color, she was so deep into subspace she said, "purrrrrrplllle." When I specified "green, yellow or red?" she replied, sloooowwwwlllyyyy, "Ohhhhh... greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnn."}).

ROFL!



Oh, yes, and I use the color system. Easy to remember!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Does he only get rough because you want him to or is it something your SO genuinely enjoys? If he's doing it purely to please you then he'll never really be comfortable with treating you roughly and he'll therefore need plenty of reassurance that he's staying well within your limits.

 

[myinnerslut]

ok, so this might be a dumb question but what are some good safe words? I said that pineapple would be good but idk. I just know it's supposed to be a word you wouldn't usualy use.

i used to use "safeword." quick, easy, and unmistakable in its meaning.

 

[unregistered]

 

[graceanne]

As long as he doesn't think you're tapping your fingers like you're bored with what he's doing and want him to ramp it up.

I've always found "red" to be very simple and easy for even a novice to use (with one notable - and hilarious - exception {It wasn't that she wanted to safeword, she was thrilled with what was happening. We were using green-yellow-red and when, checking up on her, I asked for a color, she was so deep into subspace she said, "purrrrrrplllle." When I specified "green, yellow or red?" she replied, sloooowwwwlllyyyy, "Ohhhhh... greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnn."}).

LOL

I guess you need to be specific when they're spacing.

 

[graceanne]

Safewords

Safewords. Does yours have a special meaning for you?

Safewords - assigned or selected?

Edge play and safewords

Questions of limits and safewords

 

[mandy8]

ok, so this might be a dumb question but what are some good safe words?

"Harder." hahahahahaha. Just kidding.

Really, just pick one. One of my ex's used to use "Garciapara" for a former baseball player on his team. Then I realized that's just what he thinks about and likes to call out during sex... So, anyway.....

Good luck to you! The exciting thing is you're so willing to explore different things to the point you're on a forum. Congrats to you! Enjoy yourself!

 

[graceanne]

"Harder." hahahahahaha. Just kidding.

Really, just pick one. One of my ex's used to use "Garciapara" for a former baseball player on his team. Then I realized that's just what he thinks about and likes to call out during sex... So, anyway.....

Good luck to you! The exciting thing is you're so willing to explore different things to the point you're on a forum. Congrats to you! Enjoy yourself!

How 'bout supercallifragalisticexpealadocious?

 

[satindesire]

How 'bout supercallifragalisticexpealadocious?

Ugh. Great, now that song's stuck in my head.

DANG YOU! *shakes fist*

 

[kara24]

I liked the colour thing too, as it gives an option of something inbetween STOP and GO! Just an option for "ohhh not sure, give me a bit more time" without calling the whole thing to halt.

 

[graceanne]

Ugh. Great, now that song's stuck in my head.

DANG YOU! *shakes fist*

And now, my day is complete.

 

[astralkiss]

I am glad I stumbled upon this thread. I have this problem when we are playing....he "doesn't want to hurt me"...

GAH. I LIKE PAIN. *headdesk*

 

[blackdragonfly]

Lol there in lies my issue cause I do like pain, I guess he's worried cause I have had many health issues but damn thoes were years ago now! Well tonight we give it the first go so wish me luck!