Being a submissive...

[ecstaticsub]

It sounds like this is also something of a poly issue, with a sprinkle of submission on top. Although with our busy lives these days, everything is a balancing act (regardless of whether you are poly or mono).

The needs of a PYL vs the needs of the Husband balancing act has been something I've gotten quite a bit of practice doing. Thanks to a very understanding and easy-going husband and a PYL who agrees that family (esp the children) always come first it hasn't been that difficult really for me. Throw in the rest of the variables like work, appointments, money etc and then it gets difficult.

Last time i was with Daddy i spent a good hour doing nothing but yanking on his chest hair anytime i could get my hand close enough cuz i was just so damn frustrated i didn't know what else to do. Pleasing him was the last thing on my mind. i needed to release some tension and it wasn't even a choice i made at that point. i've never behaved like that with him before. He handled it easily.

Being free to express anger and let it out is important to me. If i can't let it out the resentment just tends to build. i wasn't angry at him. i was just angry. Too much stress, too much life, not enough me.

No... i do not think about pleasing Daddy 100% of the time.

I tend to let things build. Also, since we are in a LDR I never want to spend one of our precious visits being angry or resentful. I rather get those issues out and solved before hand.

Usually I can handle the stresses by myself (being a military spouse has taught me something ) But I tend to lose it about this time of year every year. Maybe it also has to do with a teeny bit of seasonal depression.

Self doubts. Only all the time. Resentment. Sometimes, yes.

We're only human, after all.

Those are usually the times that I start to push. I get narky, bratty, and I carry on like the proverbial pork chop.

I often don't know what I want either, but I get squashed back into place, and am reassured.

And then I realise, that's pretty much just what I needed.

It is so reassuring to hear I'm not the only one. I read so much on here and other sites about all these pyls who are so perfectly happy and pleasing their PYLs are the only thing that ever matters etc....I sit back and think that has got to be a bit of fantasy

This is really the first time I had gotten resentful, I've gotten overwhelmed and grouchy but not this kind of feeling. I usually am quite content and a good obedient submissive. He doesn't tolerate brattiness at all (except with obvious humor, of course)

Anyway...thank you all. Things are much better now and I get to spend time with him in less than a week so I'm good.

 

[rida]

Do other submissives ever have these feelings of self-doubt and resentment? Or does every other submissive always feel 100% of the time that pleasing/serving their PYL is all that matters?

I'm feeling like such a failure

Yep. With Hubby, my primary PYL, all the time.
I feel that I should feel that pleasing/serving is all that matters, but I fail at it rather often. And instead of voicing the little things, I wait until they build up to a big wad of resentment and than have myself a little fit that ends up hurting him.

Anyway...thank you all. Things are much better now and I get to spend time with him in less than a week so I'm good.

Enjoy your time together!

 

[ataxia.girl]

I tend to let things build. Also, since we are in a LDR I never want to spend one of our precious visits being angry or resentful. I rather get those issues out and solved before hand.

We are also LDR but i tend to not let them build as i once did. i kinda let it all hang out all the time. i also have gotten better at expressing more raw emotion and leaving the interpreting up to Daddy or not trying to interpret what is wrong and why until i have expressed the emotion to Him. He taught me to be this way though and i find it much less stressful than all the pressure i used to put on myself to not only behave perfectly but to also feel the way i thought i was supposed to. Our visits are a release for me though.

 

[Netzach]

I hear a lot of variations of "I tend to get really filled with resentment and then I let it out by being some variant of horrible and then I get put in my place hard and that's what I need" and I have trouble relating to this.

Like Bunny, I only lay things on the line if they are really honestly truly bothering me. And what I need at that moment is anything other than a reminder that I'm failing in the submission department and instead a reminder that I'm valuable, OK, and wanted. I run remarkably well again when refueled.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I hear a lot of variations of "I tend to get really filled with resentment and then I let it out by being some variant of horrible and then I get put in my place hard and that's what I need" and I have trouble relating to this.

Like Bunny, I only lay things on the line if they are really honestly truly bothering me. And what I need at that moment is anything other than a reminder that I'm failing in the submission department and instead a reminder that I'm valuable, OK, and wanted. I run remarkably well again when refueled.

The weird thing is that I always thought that what I needed at these very few times (like maybe once a year, always at this time of year for what ever reason) that I would start to feel rebellious or overwhelmed or this time resentful that what I really needed was more understanding, more love, more security from my PYL. But he has tried that and it didn't work for me.

I know he loves me, values me and is proud of me. I have never questioned that. So i don't need reassuring in that department. I don't look at a spanking/beating etc as a reminder of my failure as a submissive.

What i have discovered is I need a reminder of his dominance. i am a smart, very independent, strong minded, capable woman who tends to not need or want help from anyone. I can take care of everyone ad do everything. Or at least I try. It is those times when I get overwhelmed that I need to feel him taking more control. It is like strong arms being wrapped around me to remind me just to calm down and breathe and focus.

 

[unregistered]

 

[ecstaticsub]

Enjoy your time together!

Thanks, I will

 

[BiBunny]

He and I are both moody, introverted souls. He gets in moods where he doesn't feel very dominant, and I get in moods where I don't feel very submissive. We've been around each other enough that we know each others' moods very well. We also know that the moods pass. Once they do, he feels even more dominant, and I feel even more submissive.

When I need to feel more control than he's giving, I try to open myself up and give him more submission. His enjoyment of my service tends to make him want to give more in terms of dominance.

But when I come to him with a problem, at its root is usually my need for attention and affection, not my need for a mental bitch-slap. I need to know I'm special and that my place at his feet will always be there, no matter what. If I were punished or ignored for that, that feel like an ultimate betrayal for me.

But, again, I guess I'm high-maintenance.

 

[Abw7]

I am new to this. i have been talking to a Madam who has been very informative. i asked her the difference between a sub and a slave. naturally she said research it since it is hard to define. this thread has been helpful.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Ecstaticsub ~ balancing so many relationships, commitments, and obligations would try anyone's patience. Hopefully you can carve out a bit of time to take care of yourself. My time is over-scheduled, I have WAY too much going on. I've found that just a little bit of time, quiet time, by myself weekly or even a few times a month goes a long way to recharge my batteries.

Also, seasonal depression is very real. But, spring is near!! Soon the sun will be shining, plants will turn green again, and mother nature will help lift the funk.

I hope your visit is everything you need it to be.

Take care!

Thank you! I can't wait for spring. My daffodils are just about ready to bloom.

I have to think of a way to arrange my work schedule so I can give time individual time to the people I love in my life. Long hot baths are when I get my alone time.

 

[ShyVixen]

What i have discovered is I need a reminder of his dominance. i am a smart, very independent, strong minded, capable woman who tends to not need or want help from anyone. I can take care of everyone ad do everything. Or at least I try. It is those times when I get overwhelmed that I need to feel him taking more control. It is like strong arms being wrapped around me to remind me just to calm down and breathe and focus.

ecstaticsub- That sums up perfectly how I feel about being submissive.

 

[HiddenStreet]

Anyone got any good ideas on how to go about doing this one? I have a few but they're a bit scattered. like they say... two heads are better than one

 

[Adakgirl]

I hope this is considered on topic..

I do not consider myself submissive. I am a submissive to just my PYL. We have been together for almost 4 years now. Just lately I have started to feel resentment about everythig always being about him. I feel I do so much without getting what I need back. I talked to him about this, which didn't make him happy to say the least. But he was glad I came to him about it. He asked me what I wanted. The thing is I don't know. I can't say what I want, it is more of an intangible.

I am hoping this is just a phase I am going through due to overwhelming stress in my family and career at this time.

Do other submissives ever have these feelings of self-doubt and resentment? Or does every other submissive always feel 100% of the time that pleasing/serving their PYL is all that matters?

I'm feeling like such a failure

ecstaticsub, it shouldn't be all about him all of the time, I believe that a Dominant should want to assure that his submissive is happy and satisfied as well as himself. His Dominant status should not be threatened by that. There is nothing wrong with having needs.
We all have important needs in ourselves that should be addressed and fulfilled in a relationship. having those feelings does not make you a failure. In fact I would tend to say the failure is on his part not yours.

The power is exchanged back and forth not just taken by the Dominant and never replenished. No wonder you feel resentment after 4 years of that. He is being selfish, that does not have anything to do with being Dominant in my book. It is bound to leave you feeling empty and unhappy.

 

[ecstaticsub]

ecstaticsub, it shouldn't be all about him all of the time, I believe that a Dominant should want to assure that his submissive is happy and satisfied as well as himself. His Dominant status should not be threatened by that. There is nothing wrong with having needs.
We all have important needs in ourselves that should be addressed and fulfilled in a relationship. having those feelings does not make you a failure. In fact I would tend to say the failure is on his part not yours.

The power is exchanged back and forth not just taken by the Dominant and never replenished. No wonder you feel resentment after 4 years of that. He is being selfish, that does not have anything to do with being Dominant in my book. It is bound to leave you feeling empty and unhappy.

Adakgirl-Thank you, but you misunderstood my post. I also disagree about a dominant's right to be selfish. To a certain extent a Dominant by definition has a right to be selfish. I serve him. It is his needs that are the priority. I know that, accept that and I get much satisfaction from indulging him.

Over the course of our almost four years together I have received as much from him as I have given him. Our's is a love relationship first, a D/s relationship second. As in any relationship between two people there will be times of misunderstanding, frustration and even anger. It is normal human interaction.

I certainly don't feel empty and unhappy, not now and not for a single second of our relationship have I felt empty.

Especially now after just returning from a visit with him.

 

[SexehShay]

I hope this is considered on topic..

I do not consider myself submissive. I am a submissive to just my PYL. We have been together for almost 4 years now. Just lately I have started to feel resentment about everythig always being about him. I feel I do so much without getting what I need back. I talked to him about this, which didn't make him happy to say the least. But he was glad I came to him about it. He asked me what I wanted. The thing is I don't know. I can't say what I want, it is more of an intangible.

I am hoping this is just a phase I am going through due to overwhelming stress in my family and career at this time.

Do other submissives ever have these feelings of self-doubt and resentment? Or does every other submissive always feel 100% of the time that pleasing/serving their PYL is all that matters?

I'm feeling like such a failure

Hun, I know exactly what you mean, that there is something that you want but you just don't know what it is. I have had an identical feeling, some days I still get it, and neither I nor my Master thinks it is my failure, but rather it is a combination of what is happening around you, stress, fears and in some cases, even a little thing that your D stopped doing.

I found that a slight change in what I am use to from my D can end up with me doubting and wondering what I did wrong, I end up feeling aimless and confused until my D puts his arms around me, tells me to let go and he will take care of it. Sometimes, for me, I just need that time to give it back to him again, the stress of worrying about things and know that he is in control.

It doesn't mean that he controls everything, lol...I am actually a manager at work, but it means that I am reaffirming to him that I am truly relying on him and truly submissive to him, but in that, he is ensuring my safety.

My suggestion is rather then getting upset and doubting yourself, maybe talk with your dom about 'resurrendering' to him, even a ceremony where you give up all your fears and annoyances and concerns, trusting in him to take care of it.


PS...there is and always will be some things about my D that drive me insane, he knows it and so do I, sometimes we even argue about it, but we both know that once I let it out and then come back to him asking for forgiveness for getting upset, everything is ok, he is not perfect, neither am I, the thing is, we love each other and know what eachother need in the end.

Hope this helps hun

 

[backyardbabe]

well for me the diffrence between a sub and a slave is slaves will do anything without saying no so there is no boundries. However being a sub you have that ability to say no if you do not feel comftable.

Thats my opinion of it but if i am wrong someone please correct me. but i have a bad habbit of doing what i want so i would never be a sub slave or pet nor am i dominate enough to be a Master,Mistress or Owner.

 

[ZRT]

well for me the diffrence between a sub and a slave is slaves will do anything without saying no so there is no boundries. However being a sub you have that ability to say no if you do not feel comftable.

Thats my opinion of it but if i am wrong someone please correct me. but i have a bad habbit of doing what i want so i would never be a sub slave or pet nor am i dominate enough to be a Master,Mistress or Owner.

'No' is always an option. Period, full stop.

It doesn't matter what the relationship is, there's a line there that has to be held up.

 

[backyardbabe]

oh well thank you for correcting me im not into that stuff but thanks for the info.

 

[ZRT]

oh well thank you for correcting me im not into that stuff but thanks for the info.

To expand on the matter a bit, consider this hypothetical.

Me (PYL)- "Hi slavie. I'm going to carve you up and eat you for dinner."

You (pyl)- "...yes master." Mutters under breath "Boy, this sucks. Should've ironed his damn shirt like he told me to."

It's an extreme example, but the point stands. Also, raping a sub/slave/pyl is still rape.

Past that, of course the law doesn't recognize complete non-consent of this variety, so the police will be happy to refer it all to the prosecutor who'll happily send our sex-freaky asses to the slam.

 

[ownedsubgal]

'No' is always an option. Period, full stop.

It doesn't matter what the relationship is, there's a line there that has to be held up.

this is not true for us all. i have been a slave for 9 years now, and "no" is certainly not and never has been an option for me in this household. but it would never occur to me to ever refuse him anyway, regardless of whether or not i wish to do or be subjected to something.

 

[nh23]

I hope this is considered on topic..

I do not consider myself submissive. I am a submissive to just my PYL. We have been together for almost 4 years now. Just lately I have started to feel resentment about everythig always being about him. I feel I do so much without getting what I need back. I talked to him about this, which didn't make him happy to say the least. But he was glad I came to him about it. He asked me what I wanted. The thing is I don't know. I can't say what I want, it is more of an intangible.

I am hoping this is just a phase I am going through due to overwhelming stress in my family and career at this time.

Do other submissives ever have these feelings of self-doubt and resentment? Or does every other submissive always feel 100% of the time that pleasing/serving their PYL is all that matters?

I'm feeling like such a failure

I think that everyone feels like this at times (I have a very hard time believing there is anyone that doesn't), and for me that feeling is more pronounced now that we're in 24/7 M/s than it ever has been. For us it's not really a bad thing that I feel that way sometimes, it's how I choose to act on it. I don't think that you should feel like a failure at all..you're human.

 

[nh23]

Hmmm...not to sure how to ask this and there are probably similar thread knowing my terrible researching skills, but I was basically wondering "what do you think it is to be a submissive or a slave?"

At the moment I'm an online slave, but i'm quite knew to it and i was just wanting to know what it actually means to be a slave or a submissive in real life to people who have or are doing it.

Also, i'm sorry at how vague this is, but if there's any information or tips about being a slave or a submissive that either i, or anyone else reading may find useful, i would be very greatful to know.

Sorry about the vagueness and rambling again, but thanks in advance....

marissa
xxxx

I've never done the online thing so I can't really comment on it, but I have done LDR and am now in 24/7 M/s and I can tell you there is a world of difference. When I was LDR there were so many things that I just did on a daily basis without thinking about it. Now that Master is here with me all the time, he has a lot more input on what I'm doing, even simple things like taking advil for a headache. But, it all depends on the relationship and what your Master would expect of you in r/l.

In my relationship being a slave means I'm not allowed to have limits, and I'm not allowed to say no. I'm free to let him know if I don't like something, but if he still wants me to do it..I do.

 

[IntoClouds]

I've answered questions like this at intervals since I joined Lit and my responses have evolved as my relationship with Master deepened and boundaries were reset. BDSM is a highly individualised thing and between consenting adults, submission and slavery are really whatever you decide they are.

The differentiation for me lies in how much scope for negotiation there is. When I identified as a sub, my Sir and I were both new to the lifestyle and there was a great deal of communication and learning - not without error. He rarely assumed that he knew my needs and limits and I had a safeword to use in play when it got too much, as well as the right to refuse things completely.

When we moved in together he became my Master and I became his slave. It was a natural transition for us that we both wanted but slavery is by no means for everyone, more of a niche within a niche. Now I have no safeword (save for specific medical reasons) and I do not have the right to refuse a request or command from him without good reason. He has power of veto over every aspect of my life and use of any asset I possess, whether physical, mental or material. My physical and sexual limits are set by him and he is free to include others or even take another sub/slave in the future. My life will be shaped and defined by his desires and goals and he has access to and use of me whenever he wishes. There is no concept of fairness or quid pro quo in our relationship, if he chooses to reward me or be lenient it is a gift and not my due.

Having said all this, I am not micromanaged. Master has no interest in telling me what clothes to wear or troubling himself with aspects of my life that I'm perfectly capable of running, such as finances. He accepts that my knowledge is greater than his own in some things and he values my opinion. We have times when I can speak more freely than others but he has a genuine desire for my welfare and happiness. I have a successful career, family and friends, a social life and Master interferes little with these things. So long as I negotiate the time I spend away from him, he's more than happy and by the same token, he needs time with his friends.

So I am a slave and that is how I define myself. I am very happy with my choice and Master is equally pleased with the way things have developed between us. I hope this wasn't too much of a ramble, I enjoyed the process of typing this post out and tweaking my 'slave' label.

I hope you enjoy your journey and find what's right for you. I have little experience of online service myself.

Velvet I couldn't resist being excited by your writing...all of this is very erotic

 

[Adakgirl]

Adakgirl-Thank you, but you misunderstood my post. I also disagree about a dominant's right to be selfish. To a certain extent a Dominant by definition has a right to be selfish. I serve him. It is his needs that are the priority. I know that, accept that and I get much satisfaction from indulging him.

Over the course of our almost four years together I have received as much from him as I have given him. Our's is a love relationship first, a D/s relationship second. As in any relationship between two people there will be times of misunderstanding, frustration and even anger. It is normal human interaction.

I certainly don't feel empty and unhappy, not now and not for a single second of our relationship have I felt empty.

Especially now after just returning from a visit with him.

I did misunderstand your post then, I'm sorry, please excuse me.

 

[ecstaticsub]

well for me the diffrence between a sub and a slave is slaves will do anything without saying no so there is no boundries. However being a sub you have that ability to say no if you do not feel comftable.

Thats my opinion of it but if i am wrong someone please correct me. but i have a bad habbit of doing what i want so i would never be a sub slave or pet nor am i dominate enough to be a Master,Mistress or Owner.

I don't necessarily agree with this. I consider myself a submissive. However, I have never said no nor would I ever say no to my Dominant. If there is something I don't feel comfortable doing I respectfully ask for his help to make me more comfortable. There have been times that he has taken back his demand after I have discussed my concerns. On the other hand there are also those times I have obeyed even though I haven't felt comfortable.