Einstein's Jokees

[ABSTRUSE]

Gerald Ford walks into a bar....

The Secret Service agents all duck.

don't you mean Gerald Ford stumbles into a bar.........?

 

[shereads]

French comedian: "A man with floppy shoes and a short man go into a bar."

audience goes wild

 

[Edward Teach]

Sigmund Freud: A piece, a none and a rabbit walk, er I mean a priest...

 

[fifty5]

God the father, God the son and God the holy gost - were already in this bar, because they're omnipresent...

 

[fifty5]

René Descartes walks into a bar, to remind himself of his thesis..

(Oh, is that 'think', not 'drink'?)

f5

 

[ABSTRUSE]

A poet, a writer and a troll walk into a bar......

 

[rgraham666]

Storm, October, and foundation ooze onto a column…

Salvador Dali

 

[gauchecritic]

Had to bump this thread, I've been laughing for an hour.

Terry Pratchett: A dwarf, a talking dog and a sergeant-at-arms walk across the Ank and into a bar...

David Letterman: At #4 a duck, #3 an irishman, #2 a second rate actor with a book to promote and the number one reason for walking into a bar....

Gauche

 

[Guest]

Gauche, I recall much humour from this thread, but I do not at all get what you just posted (which is Ok with me).

I'll look up one of your wittier posts now.

Perdita

 

[shereads]

Had to bump this thread, I've been laughing for an hour.

Terry Pratchett: A dwarf, a talking dog and a sergeant-at-arms walk across the Ank and into a bar...

David Letterman: At #4 a duck, #3 an irishman, #2 a second rate actor with a book to promote and the number one reason for walking into a bar....

Gauche

Does Letterman play in Britain? Is he funny there?

Over here, viewers of late-night TV talk shows are divided into two camps:

1) Jay Leno (Boooooo! Hissssss! Dress-in-drag jokes, slapstick comedy and kissing up to celebrity guests.)

2) David Letterman (Yay! Takes himself even less seriously than he takes his guests.) He's a godlike figure to me, because the topic of his satire is the absurdity of celebrity and the unlikelihood of his having benefited from the system.

That's just one of the top ten reasons why I watch Letterman.

 

[ferociouskittycat]

Okay... I didn't read the entire thread so apologies if this has already been done.

THE "F" WORD:
When is @#$% Acceptable?


There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean
we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912


10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945


9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877


8. "Any @#$%ing idiot
could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938



7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926







6. "How the @#$%
did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want! WHAT
on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566


4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937


3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers,
my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1999




and a drum roll............! ......



1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003

 

[pop_54]

PC brigade joke:

Three ethnically diverse persons of mixed gender enter a Gay friendly social establishment via the disabled ramp.


British National Party joke:

Two poofs and a wog dyke go to this queer pub.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

A dyslexic walks into a rab and sredro a reeb.

--Zoot

 

[fifty5]

Neville Shute: A woman walks across most of Asia, returns to England, then goes to Australia to open a milk bar

or

A petrol-head and a man who buys presents for his dead wife go half way round the world in a submarine, while the woman who fancies the second man goes into a bar

or

A man sets up an airline in arabia - and discovers there isn't a bar

or

A girl and boy get captured by vikings, taken across the atlantic and land on a sand-bar

or

(Nah, he wrote too many...)

f5

 

[Belegon]

Nickelodeon: A talking sponge, two diminutive fairys escorting a kid in a pink hat and a blue dog walk into a bar...

Anne Rice: An arrogant but sexy androgynous vampire, a woman who talks to spirits and a nude Sleeping Beauty walk into a bar...

 

[shereads]

A petrol-head and a man who buys presents for his dead wife go half way round the world in a submarine, while the woman who fancies the second man goes into a bar

I never get tired of that joke!

 

[fifty5]

I never get tired of that joke!

Yeah, but thank heavens the premise seems a little less likely these days!

f5

 

[shereads]

Yeah, but thank heavens the premise seems a little less likely these days!

f5

Nothing seems unlikely these days except an extended period of good news.

 

[fifty5]

Nothing seems unlikely these days except an extended period of good news.

In a sad, twisted sort of way, I'm glad you feel like that. When I was young, I had no confidence that the world would last until the 21st century. "Forward planning" was about what I'd do if, by some unlikely chance, I was one of the few who survived the global nuclear holocaust.

But hey, 'let's walk into a bar...'

f5 (thinking that while things definitely ain't good, they could have been worse)

 

[gauchecritic]

bump.

 

[john-the-author]

Marchel Duchamp: "A teapot with three handles and no spout, a lightbulb, and a pineapple walk into a bar...."

SweetSubSarahh: "Three Litsters walk into a bar in Chicago...."

Otto von Bismarck: "Ein Priester, ein Rabbiner, und eine Ente in eine Bar gehen."

 

[Guest]

Heisenberg: We can't be certain a man walked into a bar...

Coleridge: Kubla Khan walks into a dome...

Poe: A Raven, a loud-mouth Heart, and a cask of Amontillado go into a bar.

 

[john-the-author]

Schrödinger: a cat walks into a bar and is shot dead, or not.

Schwarzchild: a man walks into a bar and is never seen again.

Marcel Proust: a man walks into a bar and orders cookies and tea.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Dali, Miro and Magritte walk into a bar that bends over a clock.

 

[Guest]

Rubens: A voluptuous woman walks into a bar.

Frost: A man walks into a bar through the back door (which is less traveled).

Churchill: A man walks into a pub... to defend it... on the beaches... from hedgerow to hedgerow.