Newbies

[mylaceratedheart]

Surely I can't be the only one here? Who else is just making the first, tentative steps towards self discovery? Who else has yet to discover what they can endure and what they can enjoy?

 

[OnlineMasterX]

Surely I can't be the only one here? Who else is just making the first, tentative steps towards self discovery? Who else has yet to discover what they can endure and what they can enjoy?

You have decided to take the plunge and it will be rewarded be safe and happy explorations

Regards ...

 

[Harmony_1985]

I've only been doing it 2 months honey, so I know how you're feeling.

My advice is take it slow. Don't just dive into the arms of the first person who offers you submission or dominance, cos there are a few odd bods around.

Get in touch with your local munch, they'll help you loads!

 

[myinnerslut]

hi, welcome to lit

good luck with your exploring.

ETA: i LOVE the quote in your sig

 

[Sir_Winston54]

We were all new to this at one time... just some of us a few weeks/months/years/decades before others. It's a rollercoaster ride sometimes: ups and downs and twists and turns, times when your stomach is in your throat, times when your heart sinks downdowndown into your abdomen, but all the time you're shrieking with laughter and excitement and anticipating the next upside-down whirl and praying the ride never ends.

The best advice I can give comes in two parts.

1) Learn to communicate effectively with your partner(s). The key to success is each person having a thorough understanding of the other's/others' wants and needs, and fears and hard limits. The only way to gain that knowledge is to communicate.

2) Make up your mind that you have two goals: To enjoy what you do (even if it hurts like a mofo! {for you maso-types }), and to continue to learn (about yourself, your partner(s), your (and his/her/their) goals) and enjoy the process of learning.

On the side, have no shame about who/what you are and what you do. Strengthen yourself with the knowledge that for almost all of us, this is hardwired within us, a part of us, and we can no more change it for the world's approval than we can change the color of our eyes (colored contacts don't count, smartasses!).

Good luck to you!

 

[CuteBrat]

i remember being SOOOO scared when i was new...and so amazed that there were other people as twisted as me! i prolly did everything you ARENT supposed to do, but somehow didnt end up dismembered in some dumpster.

just listen to your gut...and be willing to take a chance. if it's not scary...it's not real

 

[mylaceratedheart]

I've only been doing it 2 months honey, so I know how you're feeling.

My advice is take it slow. Don't just dive into the arms of the first person who offers you submission or dominance, cos there are a few odd bods around.

Get in touch with your local munch, they'll help you loads!

Thanks. I'm planning to go to a munch next month but as I'll be going alone I can't promise not to chicken out.

How did you go about getting started and meeting the right person, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[mylaceratedheart]

We were all new to this at one time... just some of us a few weeks/months/years/decades before others. It's a rollercoaster ride sometimes: ups and downs and twists and turns, times when your stomach is in your throat, times when your heart sinks downdowndown into your abdomen, but all the time you're shrieking with laughter and excitement and anticipating the next upside-down whirl and praying the ride never ends.

The best advice I can give comes in two parts.

1) Learn to communicate effectively with your partner(s). The key to success is each person having a thorough understanding of the other's/others' wants and needs, and fears and hard limits. The only way to gain that knowledge is to communicate.

2) Make up your mind that you have two goals: To enjoy what you do (even if it hurts like a mofo! {for you maso-types }), and to continue to learn (about yourself, your partner(s), your (and his/her/their) goals) and enjoy the process of learning.

On the side, have no shame about who/what you are and what you do. Strengthen yourself with the knowledge that for almost all of us, this is hardwired within us, a part of us, and we can no more change it for the world's approval than we can change the color of our eyes (colored contacts don't count, smartasses!).

Good luck to you!

Thankyou, that's really good advice, especially the 'no shame' part. I'm really quite ambivalent about that. Part of me enjoys the shame but the other part is disappointed that no matter where I go with these desires of mine, it's unlikely I'll ever talk about them to family and friends.

Also, to ask for the kind of treatment I want from a man does feel shameful, like I'm betraying my gender or something. That probably sounds so stupid to you guys. It's like, feminism has had to come such a long way and here I am, asking to be used and humiliated by a man. It's hard not to feel like it's a step backwards somehow.

How do you reconcile the harsh play in a relationship? I don't know yet if I would want more than bedroom play but it must be strange to go from 'slut' one minute to 'girlfriend' the next.

I'm sure I'm just completely overthinking everything. I apologise for the ramble.

 

[myinnerslut]

Thanks. I'm planning to go to a munch next month but as I'll be going alone I can't promise not to chicken out.

How did you go about getting started and meeting the right person, if you don't mind me asking?

i met my right person on lit, after being with my wrong person for almost three years.

i know it sounds a bit contradictory to say be "careful" and "dont be afraid to take chances" but if you find the right balance then you will find the right one.

 

[anglosextantyen4u]

Surely I can't be the only one here? Who else is just making the first, tentative steps towards self discovery? Who else has yet to discover what they can endure and what they can enjoy?

Choose Mr. Screw Up. You know, the one who loses his drink, or can't remember the way to the men's bathroom. See if he is carrying his New Age Dictionary or GQ bible on how to pick up women. If has either of those he's been around too much. If he reminds you of John Cleese in Fawlty Towers, he's a winner because he's a loser.

 

[00Syd]

I don't see it so hard to reconcile my submission with feminism. Feminism has allowed me to realize that I have desires, too, and to go for what I want. What I want just happens to be being used and humiliated by a man.

 

[Harmony_1985]

Thanks. I'm planning to go to a munch next month but as I'll be going alone I can't promise not to chicken out.

How did you go about getting started and meeting the right person, if you don't mind me asking?

See if you can find an open minded friend to go with you. I don't know how munches operate in the US, but here in the UK, they're very vanilla events and the people don't bite, unless you ask them to afterwards in private, lol.

i met my right person on lit, after being with my wrong person for almost three years.

i know it sounds a bit contradictory to say be "careful" and "dont be afraid to take chances" but if you find the right balance then you will find the right one.

In all honesty, I think we can all say that we'd never do something with anyone unless we felt right in the inside being with them. Get to know someone before you agree to get into anything with them, and if it feels right in your gut, then go for it.

 

[CutieMouse]

Thank you, that's really good advice, especially the 'no shame' part. I'm really quite ambivalent about that. Part of me enjoys the shame but the other part is disappointed that no matter where I go with these desires of mine, it's unlikely I'll ever talk about them to family and friends.

Every time this comes up (the thing about not discussing it with family/friends and that feeling disappointing) I wonder why? I mean, when I was married, I didn't discuss details of my sex life, so what's the diff?

Am I dating someone? [yes or no].
Am I happy? [yes or no]
Are there eleventy-million aspects of a relationship to chatter about that aren't TMI? [hopefully yes]

Also, to ask for the kind of treatment I want from a man does feel shameful, like I'm betraying my gender or something. That probably sounds so stupid to you guys. It's like, feminism has had to come such a long way and here I am, asking to be used and humiliated by a man. It's hard not to feel like it's a step backwards somehow.

If the foundation of feminism is a woman's right to live life however she sees fit, and you are choosing something that fulfills you, how is that a betrayal? It's similar to the arguments that being a full time mother/raising children/running a household is a "betrayal" to feminism...

How do you reconcile the harsh play in a relationship? I don't know yet if I would want more than bedroom play but it must be strange to go from 'slut' one minute to 'girlfriend' the next.

If someone loves me, they're going to Love me. And that means loving the quirky literalist, the woman who goes orgasmic over rare books, the mother of eleventy-million, the intellectual, the artist, the history buff, the easily confused and flustered, the Ice Princess, the Madonna/Whore, the sumbissive and the masochist. There is no division; no on/off switch. I am who I am.

I'm sure I'm just completely overthinking everything. I apologise for the ramble.

If you think too much, you're in good company.

 

[mylaceratedheart]

I don't see it so hard to reconcile my submission with feminism. Feminism has allowed me to realize that I have desires, too, and to go for what I want. What I want just happens to be being used and humiliated by a man.

*facepalm*

Oh yeah. So simple when you look at it from the right angle.

 

[mylaceratedheart]

If someone loves me, they're going to Love me. And that means loving the quirky literalist, the woman who goes orgasmic over rare books, the mother of eleventy-million, the intellectual, the artist, the history buff, the easily confused and flustered, the Ice Princess, the Madonna/Whore, the sumbissive and the masochist. There is no division; no on/off switch. I am who I am.

I think I probably am too. Having only fantasised about all these things they have manifested as short interludes rather than a convoluted, ongoing relationship. I think that if I submitted to someone I would find it hard to keep straddling the line and seeking equality in other aspects beyond the sexual. I would love to meet someone who I could trust to lead me in all things but I suppose I'm still doubtful that it really works at this stage. That's not to suggest that it doesn't work for plenty of people here, just that I'm not at a point of knowledge or understanding with any of this yet.

 

[CutieMouse]

In the end, it's a relationship [for a night, 6 months, a few years, a lifetime] - just like a million other relationships...

 

[mediocre]

I don't see it so hard to reconcile my submission with feminism. Feminism has allowed me to realize that I have desires, too, and to go for what I want. What I want just happens to be being used and humiliated by a man.

Applauds. Srsly.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Every time this comes up yada yada... []
If you think too much, you're in good company.

What she said. Listen to her. She's smart. And she thinks a lot. She thinks she thinks too much, too, but she thinks wrongly (in that one case).

(I love convolutions and confusions! )

 

[Harmony_1985]

In the end, it's a relationship [for a night, 6 months, a few years, a lifetime] - just like a million other relationships...

Sadly, I have a boyfriend AND a Sir (yes I'm greedy), and the age gap between Sir and I is nearly 40 years.

I don't think my mother would be too pleased at me having 2 relationships on the go, nor the fact one of them is with a man old enough to be my grandad.

My mother tends to be a prude.

Won't be telling my mother anytime soon lol.

 

[Keroin]

How do you reconcile the harsh play in a relationship? I don't know yet if I would want more than bedroom play but it must be strange to go from 'slut' one minute to 'girlfriend' the next.

Not at all. Relationship roles, at any point along the kink continuum, are constantly shifting from one moment to the next. I'm sure any vanilla, married mom will tell you she can go from friend to wife, to business partner, to co-parent, to disciplinarian, to teacher, to slut, to nurse, etc, in less time than it takes to read my ramblings here.

To BF, (my PYL), I am friend, lover, and slave, in equal parts. He values me no less when we are discussing universal human truths than when he is ordering his cum-gulping slut to bend over for a lashing. Same same.

My advice, as a *relative* newbie myself is:

a) Move forward at a sloth's pace. There are so many layers to this kind of play and you only get to be "new" once. Enjoy these heady days.

b) Keep it organic. In other words, don't try to force yourself to fit with anyone else's ideas of what BDSM is. Not all sadists wear black leather, not all slaves wear collars. Be you and be well.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

.....

 

[CutieMouse]

What she said. Listen to her. She's smart. And she thinks a lot. She thinks she thinks too much, too, but she thinks wrongly (in that one case).

(I love convolutions and confusions! )

Oh hush.

 

[mylaceratedheart]

Not at all. Relationship roles, at any point along the kink continuum, are constantly shifting from one moment to the next. I'm sure any vanilla, married mom will tell you she can go from friend to wife, to business partner, to co-parent, to disciplinarian, to teacher, to slut, to nurse, etc, in less time than it takes to read my ramblings here.

To BF, (my PYL), I am friend, lover, and slave, in equal parts. He values me no less when we are discussing universal human truths than when he is ordering his cum-gulping slut to bend over for a lashing. Same same.

My advice, as a *relative* newbie myself is:

a) Move forward at a sloth's pace. There are so many layers to this kind of play and you only get to be "new" once. Enjoy these heady days.

b) Keep it organic. In other words, don't try to force yourself to fit with anyone else's ideas of what BDSM is. Not all sadists wear black leather, not all slaves wear collars. Be you and be well.

This is also very good advice. Thank you for your comments.

 

[mylaceratedheart]

Another newbie here!

I've been lucky enough to find an experienced PYL who values everything mentioned in this thread. We are moving ssslllloooowwwwllly... although, we may be about to hit fast-forward. Communication and trust are obviously very important in a BDSM relationship.

Keep reading the threads here, you'll learn a lot!

Thank you. I intend to do my homework, believe me.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Wouldn't it be great if this became a chat thread for newbies? I think many would appreciate one. We must seem a daunting bunch of deviants through the eyes of posters such as MLH.

Thankyou, that's really good advice, especially the 'no shame' part. I'm really quite ambivalent about that. Part of me enjoys the shame but the other part is disappointed that no matter where I go with these desires of mine, it's unlikely I'll ever talk about them to family and friends.

Also, to ask for the kind of treatment I want from a man does feel shameful, like I'm betraying my gender or something. That probably sounds so stupid to you guys. It's like, feminism has had to come such a long way and here I am, asking to be used and humiliated by a man. It's hard not to feel like it's a step backwards somehow.

Been there, done that. Try throwing the existential guilt of a religious upbringing into the mix.

Nobody has the right to tell you how to live your life (within the law and basic human values etc). Having a desire to submit is not the same as joining the ranks of oppressed and abused women. For all the posturing and psychological mindfuckery of BDSM, we're all simply equals who have chosen different roles and different levels of authority and control. You wouldn't merrily submit to some asshole who beat you up, treated you like shit and had zero respect for you as a person, would you? BDSM is all about trust and mutual respect.

How much will you have to trust a man before you let him take a flogger to your ass?

Exactly.

Dominant men are also not idiots, brutes or thugs (though you'll be courted by a few along the way unfortunately). They know that if they break their sub or mentally scar her they won't get to play with her again. Dominants are also quite vulnerable from a legal standpoint. They know that if they cane welts into your ass and then manage to seriously piss you off, they run the risk of standing in a dock insisting you were begging on your knees for it. Dominants need just as much trust in their submissives.

How do you reconcile the harsh play in a relationship? I don't know yet if I would want more than bedroom play but it must be strange to go from 'slut' one minute to 'girlfriend' the next.

BDSM is like a woman's virginity in this way; you can't really explain what it feels like to someone who's never experienced it. I am a TPE (total power exchange) slave to my Master, which means we never take our M/s hats off and go back to being equals for a while. Despite that, we laugh together, cry together and have just as multifaceted a relationship as other vanilla (non-kinky) couples. There are always bounds of respect that remain in place - as you might find between a boss and an employee. Even if they meet up outside work, the status of their positions at work will remain in place to a degree.

It doesn't limit or stifle us as a couple is what I'm saying. In fact, because we make a point of communicating frankly about everything I'd say we're closer as a couple than many vanilla people who never discuss the deep issues. My Master knows he has a responsibility for my welfare and happiness when it comes to making decisions on my behalf. He wants to know what's really going on with me and my thoughts and feelings are as much a part of his property as my pussy is. By the same token, I support him wholeheartedly in his choices - even the ones I disagree with - because I acknowledge that I yielded those rights to him willingly.

None of this is relevant to you now, I understand that. I have no other reliable source to draw on than my own experience so there it is.