Sadism. In and Out of play.

[mscherrypoppins]

For as long as I can remember, I have fully enjoyed causing or watching others writhe in pain. Emotionally and physically. As I delved further into this lifestyle, I found that it spilled over, not only into my play time, but into my personality as a whole. I feel/felt mean. Not every now and then but more often than not. Even with friends. And almost every Sadist I know is not much different. They all have a hard edge about them that I'm not sure I could explain in a small paragraph. I just made a joke about how as of late I feel that I am thinning out and becoming a little soft. And I believe I am. I have no reason for it and not sure I'm so comfortable with the change.

Do you feel that this is normal? Common? Are there other Sadists out there who are like me? Any type of insight is helpful.

 

[Homburg]

I am the opposite vis a vis interactions with other people outside my relationships. I was a verbally/emotionally mean person before getting into BDSM, and have mellowed considerably. Don't get me wrong, I'm still mean, and have a rough edge to my tongue, but not like I did when I was younger. Having the license to be as mean as I want in my intimate relationship bleeds off a lot of that mean that used to land on everyone else outside.

I would agree that I have that "hard egde" that you reference, but it has not gotten 'worse' since I started exercising it in my sexual life.

As to getting softer as you age, much like anything in our make-up, your level of sadism will wax and wane as the years go by. I described myself as primarily a rope top, but haven't had much urge to tie for a few months now. I'm sure I'll get fired up over it again, but these days I am more interested in rough sex, open hand spankings, and orgasm control.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

For as long as I can remember, I have fully enjoyed causing or watching others writhe in pain. Emotionally and physically. As I delved further into this lifestyle, I found that it spilled over, not only into my play time, but into my personality as a whole. I feel/felt mean. Not every now and then but more often than not. Even with friends. And almost every Sadist I know is not much different. They all have a hard edge about them that I'm not sure I could explain in a small paragraph. I just made a joke about how as of late I feel that I am thinning out and becoming a little soft. And I believe I am. I have no reason for it and not sure I'm so comfortable with the change.

Do you feel that this is normal? Common? Are there other Sadists out there who are like me? Any type of insight is helpful.

I am the opposite vis a vis interactions with other people outside my relationships. I was a verbally/emotionally mean person before getting into BDSM, and have mellowed considerably. Don't get me wrong, I'm still mean, and have a rough edge to my tongue, but not like I did when I was younger. Having the license to be as mean as I want in my intimate relationship bleeds off a lot of that mean that used to land on everyone else outside.

I would agree that I have that "hard egde" that you reference, but it has not gotten 'worse' since I started exercising it in my sexual life.

As to getting softer as you age, much like anything in our make-up, your level of sadism will wax and wane as the years go by. I described myself as primarily a rope top, but haven't had much urge to tie for a few months now. I'm sure I'll get fired up over it again, but these days I am more interested in rough sex, open hand spankings, and orgasm control.

Letting it spill over into your "personality as a whole?" It sounds more like you're just more open about it, since you say, "For as long as I can remember, I have fully enjoyed causing or watching others writhe in pain. Emotionally and physically." There is a difference, you know. It's always been (apparently) an integral part of your personality; you just concealed it from the world as a whole.

As far as sadists having a "hard edge" to them, I think that's - for the most part - us allowing a little bit of our inner sadism show to the world, and I'm not really sure that for most of us it's possible to completely hide it... nor would I want to hide that much of my personality. Don't get me wrong. I don't go around whacking random strangers with my canes... but I quite often do wear a keychain flogger, about six inches long, from one of my belt loops when I'm out in the vanilla world. It's gotten some looks, and a few comments, including the one from the young store clerk who blurted out, "Gee, that looks sort of like a flogger!" My response? "It does, doesn't it?" with my best innocent look - followed by a slight narrowing of my eyes. I think the last time I saw someone blush that particular shade of red, her skirt had just blown up over her head and revealed to the world that she wasn't wearing underwear.

 

[YourCaptor]

What do you mean hard and soft? Cruel and nice?

 

[mscherrypoppins]

What do you mean hard and soft? Cruel and nice?

Exactly. Cruel and nice.

 

[YourCaptor]

I know what you’re saying about feeling mean. I get that a lot, I do something, and then people give me this disapproving look. I have learned to get over it, its me, and its not gonna change. Just like I give them a disapproving look when they gossip and such.

Plus I see myself as being rather nice. I do a lot of things most people don’t do, like helping others out on the street.

Ironically that “hard edge” seems to be a natural disclaimer to others, because often people refuse my help. When soliciting assistance I have learned to stand back 5 feet or so, else they piss their pants, and even so they usually go 0_0, and then say something like, “oh, no I don’t need a jump, parking services will be here in 20 minutes”.

But as for thinning out, I don’t know what you mean.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Master is definitely an alpha type personality and I know it doesn't follow that all sadists are. He has 'an edge' but I'm not sure it would be discernible from general alpha-ness by people outside the lifestyle. Certainly, I don't assume that every alpha personality I meet is also a practitioner of BDSM in sex or relationships, or even that those who I know to be lifestylers are necessarily PYLs. I know pyls whose public personas are very forthright and (for want of a better, more subtle nuance) also 'alpha' but in private they love to submit.

I think sometimes we can overthink these things and assume that evidence of our private lives is there on our sleeves for all to see.

Master's dominance or 'power' for want of a better expression, ebbs and flows like all his other character traits - as does my submissiveness. With me, being female, it's more influenced by my cycle than anything else but Master definitely fluctuates in his social dominance or general 'alpha-ness' just as he does with his private mastery of his slave. With him I think it has more to do with outside influences and stresses than anything else. Some months he has a very much 'me against the world' indiscriminate and mostly latent anger/meanness. At other times he is much more relaxed, balanced and at peace.

I just made a joke about how as of late I feel that I am thinning out and becoming a little soft. And I believe I am. I have no reason for it and not sure I'm so comfortable with the change.

I've picked this portion out of the OP because I think that PYLs who feel they are losing their 'edge' if they relax a little and take their dominance a little less seriously at times can be short-sighted. Anything that is done too rigorously for too long can become limiting and onerous with time. If a PYL isn't secure enough in themselves to let their guard down and take off the 'dom' hat on occasion, what real power do they truly possess? Master and I laugh, cry and joke together. He is not afraid to show me the vulnerable underbelly of his soul on occasion and I believe he is very much the stronger for it - and as a M/s couple we are stronger for it too.

Only mscherrypoppins can account for this change in herself, what external/internal influences there are and what it means for her present/future. To assume that it is a permanent or unempowering place to be may end up self-perpetuating doubt and a loss of confidence.

Ain't necessarily so.

P.S. Just in case mcp is unfamiliar with the acronyms: PYL = Pick Your Label (e.g. master/sadist/top/dom) and lower case pyl = pick your label (slave/sub/masochist/bottom). It's a shorthand exclusive to Lit that allows discussion to be inclusive of all dynamics without listing them every 5 mins.

OP = original post or original poster/thread starter.

 

[mscherrypoppins]

As to getting softer as you age, much like anything in our make-up, your level of sadism will wax and wane as the years go by. I described myself as primarily a rope top, but haven't had much urge to tie for a few months now. I'm sure I'll get fired up over it again, but these days I am more interested in rough sex, open hand spankings, and orgasm control.

I think that at times I over analyze, and if I can't place my finger on something directly, it bothers me. I guess I don't like being out of control. My interests have changed too quite recently and then I think "Uh-oh what's going on", "Is it the company I'm keeping or me?" "When's the last time this has happened? and on and on. I think I need to just accept, sit back, relax, and see if it comes back to me. I don't want to be negative cause then my egde may never return.

Letting it spill over into your "personality as a whole?" It sounds more like you're just more open about it, since you say, "For as long as I can remember, I have fully enjoyed causing or watching others writhe in pain. Emotionally and physically." There is a difference, you know. It's always been (apparently) an integral part of your personality; you just concealed it from the world as a whole.

As far as sadists having a "hard edge" to them, I think that's - for the most part - us allowing a little bit of our inner sadism show to the world, and I'm not really sure that for most of us it's possible to completely hide it... nor would I want to hide that much of my personality. Don't get me wrong. I don't go around whacking random strangers with my canes... but I quite often do wear a keychain flogger, about six inches long, from one of my belt loops when I'm out in the vanilla world. It's gotten some looks, and a few comments, including the one from the young store clerk who blurted out, "Gee, that looks sort of like a flogger!" My response? "It does, doesn't it?" with my best innocent look - followed by a slight narrowing of my eyes. I think the last time I saw someone blush that particular shade of red, her skirt had just blown up over her head and revealed to the world that she wasn't wearing underwear.

But don't you ever feel like whacking random strangers with a cane at times? Sorry, but your cool response leaves a smirk on my face.

I think I liked "trying to hide" my inner sadism. Like it was some huge secret that I kept all to myself when really it was always there for everyone to see. Only, I'm treating it as a big surprise.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

.... Master's dominance or 'power' for want of a better expression, ebbs and flows like all his other character traits... Master definitely fluctuates in his social dominance or general 'alpha-ness' ....

I've picked this portion out of the OP because I think that PYLs who feel they are losing their 'edge' if they relax a little and take their dominance a little less seriously at times can be short-sighted. Anything that is done too rigorously for too long can become limiting and onerous with time. If a PYL isn't secure enough in themselves to let their guard down and take off the 'dom' hat on occasion, what real power do they truly possess? Master and I laugh, cry and joke together. He is not afraid to show me the vulnerable underbelly of his soul on occasion and I believe he is very much the stronger for it - and as a M/s couple we are stronger for it too.

Some key - and very insightful - points above. Just because I'm a Sadist with Dominant tendencies doesn't mean I'm an omnipotent, omniscient being with no weaknesses and no soft spots. And to be able to admit and face those weaknesses and soft spots does make me stronger, I believe.

....But don't you ever feel like whacking random strangers with a cane at times? Sorry, but your cool response leaves a smirk on my face.

I think I liked "trying to hide" my inner sadism. Like it was some huge secret that I kept all to myself when really it was always there for everyone to see. Only, I'm treating it as a big surprise.

Random strangers? Nah. But some that I see who have a particularly appealing grace (for lack of a better word) do make me wish I had a cane handy. Others, who don't know how to behave in public (or make their spoiled brat children behave in public), make me wish I had a 2x4 handy. But that's not really sadism; it's (what sadly seems to be outdated these days in most of the world) a certain sense of decorum, and outrage that too many people these days seem to have been raised by ... well, I don't want to say animals, because that would be insulting to the rest of the animal kingdom.

Yes, I too like hiding the depth of my sadistic nature from the majority of the world. It's a kind of oneupmanship, and I am always a competitor. At the same time, there's a certain great pleasure in occasionally revealing some part of my sadism to select persons at select times. The look on some faces....

 

[mscherrypoppins]

I know what you’re saying about feeling mean. I get that a lot, I do something, and then people give me this disapproving look. I have learned to get over it, its me, and its not gonna change. Just like I give them a disapproving look when they gossip and such.

Plus I see myself as being rather nice. I do a lot of things most people don’t do, like helping others out on the street.

Ironically that “hard edge” seems to be a natural disclaimer to others, because often people refuse my help. When soliciting assistance I have learned to stand back 5 feet or so, else they piss their pants, and even so they usually go 0_0, and then say something like, “oh, no I don’t need a jump, parking services will be here in 20 minutes”.

But as for thinning out, I don’t know what you mean.

I have been called many names. Many people have not liked me. Including friends and family. I was (am) abrupt, strict, unapproachable, bitchy..Not only did I enjoy inflicting pain when I had the opportunity but I found myself even laughing silently at people's personal pain. Unless of course it came to illness. My train of thought was "you got yourself into a situation, now get out if it." Disapproving looks? Who cares? I don't care what people think. No one ever liked asking me for help. It was like pulling teeth to get someone to accept my help.

Not so much anymore though. I'm thinning out, becoming softer in nature. Hardcore games do not interest me as much. My interests are different. I'm starting to care what people think of me. Starting to care about people. However, as much as this all holds true, I'm not sure if I want to be this way. Changing, growing; It's all so damned confusing.

I think sometimes we can overthink these things and assume that evidence of our private lives is there on our sleeves for all to see.

I've picked this portion out of the OP because I think that PYLs who feel they are losing their 'edge' if they relax a little and take their dominance a little less seriously at times can be short-sighted. Anything that is done too rigorously for too long can become limiting and onerous with time. If a PYL isn't secure enough in themselves to let their guard down and take off the 'dom' hat on occasion, what real power do they truly possess? Master and I laugh, cry and joke together. He is not afraid to show me the vulnerable underbelly of his soul on occasion and I believe he is very much the stronger for it -and as a M/s couple we are stronger for it too.

Only mscherrypoppins can account for this change in herself, what external/internal influences there are and what it means for her present/future. To assume that it is a permanent or unempowering place to be may end up self-perpetuating doubt and a loss of confidence.

Ain't necessarily so.

Velvet. Very well said. Tugged at me.

Life and hearts on my sleeve is something I've never been comfortable with. Yet, I have friends that are totally opposite. I believe I have limited my growth by being only "one way" this entire time. I often wonder how I can control others if I cannot control myself. Perhaps I should just let vulnerability take the wheel for a while. As long as it doesn't steer me into a tree.

And thank you for the quick lesson. I had to ask but you answered first. Every place seems to have their own speak. I was glad cause it's hard writing everything out over and over and defining it to everyone's liking.

 

[Netzach]

I'm an INTP. And I definitely have sadistic qualities.

I have very permissive wide and generous boundries, but fuck with them and you will find they are ironclad and shoot spikes.

I don't tend to wish people ill so much as I tend to forget they are there. I have definitely been called selfish and bitchy, but I don't know any women who aren't content to be the whole world's bitch who don't hear those things with regularity.


But for me, the disinterest in others comes and goes and I think it's always good to get in touch with whatever eludes you normally. I like people, I just don't make that my life's mission, and that's not always acceptable to others.

 

[Homburg]

I think that at times I over analyze, and if I can't place my finger on something directly, it bothers me. I guess I don't like being out of control. My interests have changed too quite recently and then I think "Uh-oh what's going on", "Is it the company I'm keeping or me?" "When's the last time this has happened? and on and on. I think I need to just accept, sit back, relax, and see if it comes back to me. I don't want to be negative cause then my egde may never return.

This is the right sort of thinking, in my opinion. If you fret over your mojo, said mojo is that much less likely to be around. Mojo doesn't like fretting, lack of confidence, etc. It wants you happy, centered, etc.

So just chill in the certainty that your mojo will get to where it was, and it will do just that. When it's ready to, of course.

--

Some key - and very insightful - points above. Just because I'm a Sadist with Dominant tendencies doesn't mean I'm an omnipotent, omniscient being with no weaknesses and no soft spots. And to be able to admit and face those weaknesses and soft spots does make me stronger, I believe.

A line from a post Velvetdarkness made in another thread seems appropos here: "If you can't be dominant in a pink tutu, then you aren't really dominant at all" (paraphrased, with apologies for not looking it up). To me, dominance is only dominance if it can function with some adversity, in imperfect situations, etc. No, the mojo can't survive deep, life-rending stress, exhaustion, or, in my case, allergy attacks, but it should otherwise be pretty resilient. And those who try to present that seamless armoured front are just that, a front.

Random strangers? Nah. But some that I see who have a particularly appealing grace (for lack of a better word) do make me wish I had a cane handy.

It arises more as a form of curiousity for me. For example, I was in line at the Post Office behind a woman in her late 20's, who was dressed as if she was in her early 20's. The combination of incongruous dress and the sort of brittle nervousness that seems to catch my eye made me wonder what noises she would make if I pulled her sweatpants down and spanked right across her seat.

--

I don't tend to wish people ill so much as I tend to forget they are there. I have definitely been called selfish and bitchy, but I don't know any women who aren't content to be the whole world's bitch who don't hear those things with regularity.

I've just gotten into the habit of telling people that I am becoming friendly with that I really am an asshole. Sure, I may seem nice and friendly and funny right now, but I will inevitably say something deeply asshattish. So be warned. It doesn't cut down on the shocked responses when my deep-seated asshole nature comes out, but instead of shock and indignation, it is usually more of a "Wow, you weren't kidding about that asshole thing!"

 

[eastern sun]

A comment out of the blue -

In the prisons where I worked there was a natural mellowing with age. Even the meanest hard-assed motherfucker at 18 was softer at 35. And usually a trustee at 50. The only personalities who belied this trend were the psychotic sociopaths.

And they were just scary. They're the ones who prisons are made for.

 

[YourCaptor]

I have been called many names. Many people have not liked me. Including friends and family. I was (am) abrupt, strict, unapproachable, bitchy..Not only did I enjoy inflicting pain when I had the opportunity but I found myself even laughing silently at people's personal pain. Unless of course it came to illness. My train of thought was "you got yourself into a situation, now get out if it." Disapproving looks? Who cares? I don't care what people think. No one ever liked asking me for help. It was like pulling teeth to get someone to accept my help.

Not so much anymore though. I'm thinning out, becoming softer in nature. Hardcore games do not interest me as much. My interests are different. I'm starting to care what people think of me. Starting to care about people. However, as much as this all holds true, I'm not sure if I want to be this way. Changing, growing; It's all so damned confusing.

Hmm, well, bitchyness is usually a product of a lack of control.

My guess is that your life, or some important aspect of it has been coming together since those bitchy days.

And at the moment you sound rather cute, thats always a plus.

 

[lilylicious]

Yes, I too like hiding the depth of my sadistic nature from the majority of the world. It's a kind of oneupmanship, and I am always a competitor.

Wow can I relate to this!

 

[mscherrypoppins]

I have very permissive wide and generous boundries, but fuck with them and you will find they are ironclad and shoot spikes.

My kind of lady! I will be following your posts. (if you don't mind)

Others, who don't know how to behave in public (or make their spoiled brat children behave in public), make me wish I had a 2x4 handy. But that's not really sadism; it's (what sadly seems to be outdated these days in most of the world) a certain sense of decorum, and outrage that too many people these days seem to have been raised by ... well, I don't want to say animals, because that would be insulting to the rest of the animal kingdom.

Don't even get me started on bratty children. Me and WD were shopping and there were 6 or 7 children between 2 women that were running circles around our legs like wild Indians or running over WD's toes with a tricycle (which they weren't buying). Hello? Discipline

I've just gotten into the habit of telling people that I am becoming friendly with that I really am an asshole. Sure, I may seem nice and friendly and funny right now, but I will inevitably say something deeply asshattish. So be warned. It doesn't cut down on the shocked responses when my deep-seated asshole nature comes out, but instead of shock and indignation, it is usually more of a "Wow, you weren't kidding about that asshole thing!"

I haven't met a rope/top yet who didn't speak with upfront, frank Words of Wisdom

 

[mscherrypoppins]

Wow can I relate to this!

I like when you see a comment and are able to relate to it in ways sometimes you can't explain. For myself, anyway.

Hmm, well, bitchyness is usually a product of a lack of control.

My guess is that your life, or some important aspect of it has been coming together since those bitchy days.

And at the moment you sound rather cute, thats always a plus.

Lack of control? I'd like to say otherwise and think not but then I wouldn't be telling the truth.

And..thank you..lol

A comment out of the blue -

In the prisons where I worked there was a natural mellowing with age. Even the meanest hard-assed motherfucker at 18 was softer at 35. And usually a trustee at 50. The only personalities who belied this trend were the psychotic sociopaths.

And they were just scary. They're the ones who prisons are made for.

Out of the blue..But hell, I get what you are saying. Thank you.

mscherrypoppins..let me offer this up to you..

We joke around about it..but..you were a scary bitch when we first met. You scared the bejeezus out of me..'Snap, Snap, Snap..Check your fear at the door'..I wanted to run home..Then later on, when I needed your help..You didn't know me from dick but you came to my rescue anyway. We weren't automatic friends but now look. And FFS, at times, you still scare me.

Don't put a negative spin on this personality you call your own. We all, as individuals, want to grow..And sometimes, growth is hurtful..or..not what we expect it to be. And that's okay. A softer edge doesn't take away from the person you are or lessen your ability as a mentor. I don't think I would've experienced what I have without your strength or seriousness. That strict voice that puts all my rambling thoughts together...that allows me to move forward without fear. I luv the Bitch in you.

I'll agree you get scared at times but I like it best when you tell me to "fuck off" directly to my face. The angry poppet is a defiant one.
I the angry you.

I think you've grown so much that it's starting to rub off on me. Or rather, I envy your growth and want that for myself too.

Even if not friends, I'd want to be there for your bindings and lacings. You take such delight in things, I find it refreshing. LMAO. Friday. Six starting shots. :caning:

 

[catalina_francisco]

I also think there are many who assume being an asshole in general with an overly aggressiive, anti-social streak translates to being a sadist and/or Dominant. I'm afraid I don't buy into the analogy, nor does it sedn good shivers up my spine (quite the opposite) as I find nothing dominant or particularly sadistic in the sense of the meaning we usually equate being sadistic with, in someone who has personality issues which mean they cannot associate in a friendly manner with others, and/or feel an out of control aggression toward others in a way they find difficult to restrain. I also find it a little false as opposed to necessarily dominant, sadistic or innate nature to knowingly pull particular expressions or behaviours to give a desired effect and impression to those around them. Give me a sadistic Dominant who can be self assured, personable and communicative in a socially acceptable way toward others, and self controlled any day to the abusive bastard who claims it is because they are a sadist, not because they simply are a bastard out of control. Just my 2 cents worth from life experience and working in a field where you find many who use any excuse they can to try and make themselves look innocent when they are abusive and anti-social. There is a huge difference.

Catalina

 

[YourCaptor]

I also think there are many who assume being an asshole in general with an overly aggressiive, anti-social streak translates to being a sadist and/or Dominant. I'm afraid I don't buy into the analogy, nor does it sedn good shivers up my spine (quite the opposite) as I find nothing dominant or particularly sadistic in the sense of the meaning we usually equate being sadistic with, in someone who has personality issues which mean they cannot associate in a friendly manner with others, and/or feel an out of control aggression toward others in a way they find difficult to restrain. I also find it a little false as opposed to necessarily dominant, sadistic or innate nature to knowingly pull particular expressions or behaviours to give a desired effect and impression to those around them. Give me a sadistic Dominant who can be self assured, personable and communicative in a socially acceptable way toward others, and self controlled any day to the abusive bastard who claims it is because they are a sadist, not because they simply are a bastard out of control. Just my 2 cents worth from life experience and working in a field where you find many who use any excuse they can to try and make themselves look innocent when they are abusive and anti-social. There is a huge difference.

Catalina

I think that may be the best thing I have read on lit.

Nice job Catalina

To add a bit of my own thoughts. When attempting to adjust oneself to society, it can be rather difficult. When people call you mean, or cruel, or when they just stand back from you, it represents a failure, one that has nothing to do with any conscious action but is simply do to how you are. There comes a point at which you simply have to accept compromises. There are a infinite subtle behaviors that it seems the sadist misinterprets or never even notices until others point out the problem. Reconstructing ones mind cannot be done, you simply have to live with the limitation.