What have you done in this situation?

[Iconfess]

A few months ago I began dating a woman, I was already into BDSM, she wasn't. Since then I've done my best to convince her to try it, as gently as I could. I talked about it with her, asked her about what turns her on and even got her to do a BDSM checklist. The result? Nada. She's not at all interested, won't try anything new and is only interested in straight up vanilla sex.
Now I find that I'm bored and frustrated with her, and my eye is starting to wander. I just don't get that turned on by vanilla sex anymore. I want to explore my BDSM fantasies to the limit and I know I can't with her. She's a great person otherwise and I don't want to hurt her but I have sexual needs that aren't being addressed.
I'm curious if anyone else has been in this kind of situation and what you've done.

 

[Wolfspet]

Yes, I have been in that situation. I stayed. For much too long.

My advice to you? Get out of the relationship. You may hurt her a bit by breaking it off, but the hurt will get much worse if you stay. She may even begin to feel guilty, inadequate, or resentful.

There is no way to "convert" someone. If you respect her, and care for your own well-being, you'll let her go and find someone more compatible.

 

[myinnerslut]

what is the point of dating? to find somebody your compatible with and hopefully spend a good long while with them. if she bores you and your eye is wandering, it may be a sign that this particular relationship is not working out. i wouldnt give this advice nrmally, but from you say you have already done as much as you could with no results. you cat force somebody to change.

 

[Pr3ttykitten13]

You should talk more about it with her, either shes willing to try a bit of what you like or she doesn't really want you. Relationships should be equal, meaning both of you should get what you like not just her. If shes not willing to make you happy, shes not worth it and selfish. Hope it all goes well ♥

 

[Shywong]

Its best to make her break up with you on purpose, it's easier for her and you won't have to feel guilty for breaking her heart. Just try not to make it too obvious so that she knows what you're doing. Be subtle about it, do little things that irritate and turn her off, she might get mad at you but likely won't make a big fuss about it. You're already bored with her, so once the feeling is mutual she'll let you off the hook and you won't have to suffer the wraith of a woman scorned. That's assuming you're man enough to let yourself be the one getting dumped. Some guys would be too worried about their ego or reputation and wouldn't allow it to look like it was their fault.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Obviously you are not meant for each other. While it seems a popular idea that it is OK and good to convert people to BDSM to suit ones own needs, it is neither flattering nor very intelligent, especially if the other person has made it clear they are not interested. Everyone is different, everyone has their own needs...that does not translate to one person's needs being more important than another's. It also doesn't necessarily come of as very respectful of the other person to feel it is your mission to convert them because you have convinced yourself they are for you.....if they were for you, they would share your desires and goals....I am sure as an adult, they likely already know what they do and don't want and it seems have tried to explain it to you. Move on.

Catalina

 

[the captians wench]

Its best to make her break up with you on purpose, it's easier for her and you won't have to feel guilty for breaking her heart. Just try not to make it too obvious so that she knows what you're doing. Be subtle about it, do little things that irritate and turn her off, she might get mad at you but likely won't make a big fuss about it. You're already bored with her, so once the feeling is mutual she'll let you off the hook and you won't have to suffer the wraith of a woman scorned. That's assuming you're man enough to let yourself be the one getting dumped. Some guys would be too worried about their ego or reputation and wouldn't allow it to look like it was their fault.

Bad Bad Bad idea.

This was my ex husband's aproach when he decided that he wanted out of our marriage. I think it's a cowerdly way out. It's manipulative and decietful and not at all respectful. Have the balls to say "hey, it's not working out" rather than let her catch you checking other chicks out or something so that she dumps you.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I really don't think it's going to "break her heart" of you break up with her after only a few months.

It's also a bad idea to try and "make" her like something, she's clearly not into.

And don't be a gutless twat and try and manipulate her into dumping you. That's asshole behaviour.

Be honest with her. Tell her that you need bdsm, that you don't want either of you to fall into an unhappy pattern, that it's best if you part ways now, rather than later with resentment.

 

[Shywong]

Bad Bad Bad idea.

This was my ex husband's aproach when he decided that he wanted out of our marriage. I think it's a cowerdly way out. It's manipulative and decietful and not at all respectful. Have the balls to say "hey, it's not working out" rather than let her catch you checking other chicks out or something so that she dumps you.

It's cowardly because I would rather avoid having a big fight over it and suffering from a crazy-ex girlfriend trying to ruin my life? Nah, I always take a diplomatic/passive approach in everything, even if it means being manipulative and deceitful, that's what makes it so fun.. Like getting away with murder..

By the way your avatar makes me think dirty thoughts.

 

[CutieMouse]

It's cowardly because I would rather avoid having a big fight over it and suffering from a crazy-ex girlfriend trying to ruin my life? Nah, I always take a diplomatic approach in everything, even if it means being manipulative and deceitful, that's what makes it so fun.. Like getting away with murder..

It's cowardly because it's immature and passive aggressive behavior hiding behind words like "diplomatic". If you're going to break up with a girl, have the balls to be diplomatic, dignified and honest about it.

 

[Shywong]

It's cowardly because it's immature and passive aggressive behavior hiding behind words like "diplomatic". If you're going to break up with a girl, have the balls to be diplomatic, dignified and honest about it.

Okay Cutie I'm breaking up with you, it's over. I'm tired of you spending more time in your books than I do in you. It's time I see other people and you see other pages.

 

[CutieMouse]

Okay Cutie I'm breaking up with you, it's over. I'm tired of you spending more time in your books than I do in you. It's time I see other people and you see other pages.

Kick ass.

See? Not hard at all.

 

[the captians wench]

It's cowardly because I would rather avoid having a big fight over it and suffering from a crazy-ex girlfriend trying to ruin my life? Nah, I always take a diplomatic/passive approach in everything, even if it means being manipulative and deceitful, that's what makes it so fun.. Like getting away with murder..

By the way your avatar makes me think dirty thoughts.

It's better to have one big fight than drag things out having lots of little fights, especially if the whole while she's trying to make it work and you really aren't into it. She'll probably also get more clingy durring this time and you will be misserable as well. It's always best to make a clean break, be honest, and man up to the situation rather than drag it out and slowly kill the relationship.

But as you called it fun, I know my words are wasted here. But hey you get to look at my ass again so no harm right?

 

[C Stephen]

It's cowardly because it's immature and passive aggressive behavior hiding behind words like "diplomatic". If you're going to break up with a girl, have the balls to be diplomatic, dignified and honest about it.

I agree with Cutie Pie on this. I see this as a basic incompatability that will destroy a relationship over time. I would recommend you talk with her about your feelings and how this is not working for you. I would bet you are not the only one hurting in this.

If she really does not want to try BDSM you need to respect her feelings. If you are open and honest you may loose a lover you would loose anyway but you just might find that you can part friendly. She will be glad you were honest and you just might understand what is holding her back.

 

[C Stephen]

Kick ass.

See? Not hard at all.

My appologies Cutie Mouse

BTW I think reading is a good thing.

 

[unregistered]

 

[rosco rathbone]

I stayed for seven years. Finally just couldn't take it anymore.

It was an excellent relationship with "the perfect girl" in all ways except for the psychosexual. Obviously, that's where my priorities really are.

 

[unregistered]

 

[Iconfess]

Thanks for your input guys. I do believe that this interest I have (in BDSM) is something that isn't common and from my experience of talking to others, is weird and even repugnant to many. I would never try to force my views upon another in regard to this. I believe that this lifestyle choice came to me for whatever reason and it's personal and uncommon. I think the best I can do is to try to part amicably and find a like minded partner.

 

[ender1818]

Do you identify as a dom, sub, or switch?

 

[ender1818]

The reason I inquire, is if you identify as a dom, why not lead her down that road slowly?

Starting off with pinning her hands above her head while enjoying vanilla sex? If she likes it, maybe get a little rough with it. Talk about it later, next time bring in a set of fuzzy pink handcuffs, talk about it. If she is enjoying it, keep leading her down that path till she is hooked.

If she is inexperienced as you said, she may not be uninterested, just ignorant.

If you were just beginning to think about running, you don't want to start off with the Boston Marathon--it's too big, too overwhelming, too scary. You start off with jogging a half mile and work your way up.

Try to do the same thing with her & see if she will follow. If not, then you know you are not compatible and I bet other incompatibilities will present themselves outside the bedroom too.

just my 2 cents but that's how my Little One and I have learned what turns us on. Talking and taking small steps at a time.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

It's cowardly because I would rather avoid having a big fight over it and suffering from a crazy-ex girlfriend trying to ruin my life? Nah, I always take a diplomatic/passive approach in everything, even if it means being manipulative and deceitful, that's what makes it so fun.. Like getting away with murder..

By the way your avatar makes me think dirty thoughts.

no, it's cowardly because you obviously aren't man enough to "man up" and say "it's not working out" makes it fun? playing with peoples heart and emotions is fun? i don't know what else to say, i think your words spoke clearly enough in this post.

to the OP, my suggestion is as told Shywong, man up and let the girl know it's not working out. let her know why and explain you think it's best to do it now, so that it doesn't hurt more down the road. if you are bored with her, and she obviously doesn't share your needs and desires, it's not going to work out, period. you can't make her like something that she has clearly told you she's not into. good luck

 

[VelvetDarkness]

The reason I inquire, is if you identify as a dom, why not lead her down that road slowly?

Starting off with pinning her hands above her head while enjoying vanilla sex? If she likes it, maybe get a little rough with it. Talk about it later, next time bring in a set of fuzzy pink handcuffs, talk about it. If she is enjoying it, keep leading her down that path till she is hooked.

If she is inexperienced as you said, she may not be uninterested, just ignorant.

If you were just beginning to think about running, you don't want to start off with the Boston Marathon--it's too big, too overwhelming, too scary. You start off with jogging a half mile and work your way up.

Try to do the same thing with her & see if she will follow. If not, then you know you are not compatible and I bet other incompatibilities will present themselves outside the bedroom too.

just my 2 cents but that's how my Little One and I have learned what turns us on. Talking and taking small steps at a time.

This is good advice if it's something you haven't already tried. If you think your girl would be too skittish about being restrained like that, try just a little control. See if she'll experiment with a blindfold, let you tell her when she can cum or enjoy a couple of light ass spanks. You don't have to push hard or try much to decide whether there's any hope for compatibility.

I want to explore my BDSM fantasies to the limit

This part here is what stands out to me. You're thinking of the bigger picture and it gives me the impression that light BDSM play is unlikely to be enough for you in the long term. You may have scared her into total refusal with the checklist. You may be able to coax her into kinky sex with time and trust. The core issue here is how kinky you need your gf to become before you're content and how long you're prepared to wait and see what she's prepared to experience.

 

[PredatorSmile]

A few months ago I began dating a woman, I was already into BDSM, she wasn't. Since then I've done my best to convince her to try it, as gently as I could. I talked about it with her, asked her about what turns her on and even got her to do a BDSM checklist. The result? Nada. She's not at all interested, won't try anything new and is only interested in straight up vanilla sex.
Now I find that I'm bored and frustrated with her, and my eye is starting to wander. I just don't get that turned on by vanilla sex anymore. I want to explore my BDSM fantasies to the limit and I know I can't with her. She's a great person otherwise and I don't want to hurt her but I have sexual needs that aren't being addressed.
I'm curious if anyone else has been in this kind of situation and what you've done.

I don't date vanilla people. My doctor says they're bad for my health. Squares like your girlfriend can cause you an early death.

 

[Iconfess]

The reason I inquire, is if you identify as a dom, why not lead her down that road slowly?

Starting off with pinning her hands above her head while enjoying vanilla sex? If she likes it, maybe get a little rough with it. Talk about it later, next time bring in a set of fuzzy pink handcuffs, talk about it. If she is enjoying it, keep leading her down that path till she is hooked.

If she is inexperienced as you said, she may not be uninterested, just ignorant.

If you were just beginning to think about running, you don't want to start off with the Boston Marathon--it's too big, too overwhelming, too scary. You start off with jogging a half mile and work your way up.

Try to do the same thing with her & see if she will follow. If not, then you know you are not compatible and I bet other incompatibilities will present themselves outside the bedroom too.

just my 2 cents but that's how my Little One and I have learned what turns us on. Talking and taking small steps at a time.

This is good advice but I've tried it and it hasn't worked. Could I cajole her into trying it? Maybe, maybe not. But I'm not interested in doing that. As someone above said, at best I'd have a half hearted, disinterested sub (I'm Dom) The point is that I know she's not interested, we've talked about it and she's said no. For me, there's no fun or excitement if your partner's simply not into it.
As for me, I'm well beyond the fuzzy handcuffs and light spanking phase, actually never was there. I'm into medical role play , golden showers and ass play. So, we're operating from completely different points of view. She wants to make love and cuddle, I want to give her an enema and piss on her.