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SweetErika
Fingers Crossed
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I vote for telling your husband how unhappy you've been (leave out the cheating part...that's not constructive). State how you feel and don't blame him to try to keep it as nonconfrontational as possible. Do it at a time when there are no distractions (can you send your kids to a friend's/relative's for the night?) and make it clear that you want to work on solutions and work it out, if possible.
See, I think your reservations about/thoughts on cheating are completely valid. It sounds like you see it as a bandaid on a gushing wound overall, and I certainly agree. You'll probably regret it if you go down that path before you put everything possible into saving your marriage (if that doesn't work, you can always pursue other relationships after you've separated and had time to process everything). Trust your gut on this; there are good reasons why part of you is screaming "NO!" no matter how much of you is saying "YES!"
Can you go to therapy together or even alone? If so, I'd strongly encourage you to do so. Even if you can't work the relationship out in the end, you can figure out how to get out with less impact on you and your kidlets.
It's a very difficult situation, but I'm sure you'll do what's best for you and your kids and everything will work out, even though it might be a long, tough haul.
See, I think your reservations about/thoughts on cheating are completely valid. It sounds like you see it as a bandaid on a gushing wound overall, and I certainly agree. You'll probably regret it if you go down that path before you put everything possible into saving your marriage (if that doesn't work, you can always pursue other relationships after you've separated and had time to process everything). Trust your gut on this; there are good reasons why part of you is screaming "NO!" no matter how much of you is saying "YES!"
Can you go to therapy together or even alone? If so, I'd strongly encourage you to do so. Even if you can't work the relationship out in the end, you can figure out how to get out with less impact on you and your kidlets.
It's a very difficult situation, but I'm sure you'll do what's best for you and your kids and everything will work out, even though it might be a long, tough haul.
Quoll
Area 25
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I echo Erika's advice completely, as much as the fantasy has a good feel to it, it's not reality, which you seem to have a firm grasp of.
The pieces I've quoted struck a chord with me, I'm a long time sufferer of depression and before I started receiving treatment they could have described me quite well.
Not to mention the fact that your words about your feelings probably come very close to how my wife was feeling at the time.
I can't say for sure that that is what is going on but a change in personality is certainly an indicator and it might be something to consider when choosing your course of action.
Regardless of what course you take, I wish you well and I'm sorry for your suffering.
The pieces I've quoted struck a chord with me, I'm a long time sufferer of depression and before I started receiving treatment they could have described me quite well.
Not to mention the fact that your words about your feelings probably come very close to how my wife was feeling at the time.
I can't say for sure that that is what is going on but a change in personality is certainly an indicator and it might be something to consider when choosing your course of action.
Regardless of what course you take, I wish you well and I'm sorry for your suffering.
silverwhisper
just this guy, you know?
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i'm with erika & quoll, to be honest.
you don't mention whether this other man would be receptive to your advances. is it possible he's flirting just b/c it's fun to flirt and doesn't think you'd actually be receptive to any advances? depending upon why he's divorced, that might actually be pretty damned important.
you say you've tried talking with him in the past. for how long has your relationship w/ your husband been going this way, and when you've tried talking with him about this, what have you said, if you don't mind my asking?
ed
you don't mention whether this other man would be receptive to your advances. is it possible he's flirting just b/c it's fun to flirt and doesn't think you'd actually be receptive to any advances? depending upon why he's divorced, that might actually be pretty damned important.
you say you've tried talking with him in the past. for how long has your relationship w/ your husband been going this way, and when you've tried talking with him about this, what have you said, if you don't mind my asking?
ed
justagoodolboy
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On one shoulder sits the the little red demon telling you to act upon your lust. IMO, nothing good will come out of it at all. It will be a short lived romance and in the end your household will be turned completely upside down. I'm sure the thought gives you goosebumps but I'd keep it at that. I've seen my sister's household turn completely upside down and I have also seen my uncle's household turned completely upside down also because they let the prick on their left shoulder steer their thoughts. It's just a LONG thought you are having...leave it at that.
The right thing to do. Talk to your husband and tell him what you have told us and see how he reacts. It ain't worth it...trust me.
The right thing to do. Talk to your husband and tell him what you have told us and see how he reacts. It ain't worth it...trust me.
passionate marriage; an oxymoron?
There's a really good book - rare in the genre - called Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch. Yucky name, excellent book. Do consider reading it. It won't be what you think; in fact in some ways it might be the opposite of what you think.
I have felt the hunger you're feeling. It really is a kind of starvation, isn't it. Like a gnawing you can't ignore. I can say from my own experience that you can balance your life by having an affair, but that the balance is usually neurotic and almost always unsustainable. It tends to exist in order to create a crisis, and there's a lot of pain that no one needs, especially your children. At first it feels wonderful, but it becomes an addiction and addicts are often both ruthless and not very good decision makers.
You'll notice I'm not talking about the moral aspects of the question. Your morality is intimate, private and yours to determine. I am saying that as a strategy, cheating on your husband will only meet some very clamorous short-term needs, and the price you'll pay later is too high.
Therapy can help you determine whether your marriage is salvageable, or whether you even want to salvage it. Go alone if he won't go with you. Feel free to audition therapists until you find one you feel chemistry with. Though skill levels vary, I think as a group therapists are very good people.
One last piece of advice, and only because you asked us to offer it. When you approach your husband, please remember it isn't about his "failure" to "Make you happy." All that'll do is make him defensive and hostile. It's about: "When I look at our marriage I can't imagine you want to live this way, and I know I don't. I'm feeling vulnerable enough to need to do something about it. We deserve better than this; the love we started out with, and the children we brought into the world, deserve better than this. I'm going into therapy and I'd love it if you'd come with me."
He'll balk, in all likelihood. Systems hate to change, and every relationship is a system. But yours is an unproductive one, since you're lonely and bored, and any agitation will vitalize it, at least in the short term. He'll try and cast it as his not being "good enough" or your never "being satisfied" and you have to remember this is all SMOKE being thrown in your eyes. Just hold your ground as lovingly and gently as you can. "WE are not working as a unit, and I want to understand why not so we can get better and be happier. Neither of us is perfect but we have to get better at this, or else our lives are going to be pretty drab."
Courage, and good luck. It's better on the other side.
There's a really good book - rare in the genre - called Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch. Yucky name, excellent book. Do consider reading it. It won't be what you think; in fact in some ways it might be the opposite of what you think.
I have felt the hunger you're feeling. It really is a kind of starvation, isn't it. Like a gnawing you can't ignore. I can say from my own experience that you can balance your life by having an affair, but that the balance is usually neurotic and almost always unsustainable. It tends to exist in order to create a crisis, and there's a lot of pain that no one needs, especially your children. At first it feels wonderful, but it becomes an addiction and addicts are often both ruthless and not very good decision makers.
You'll notice I'm not talking about the moral aspects of the question. Your morality is intimate, private and yours to determine. I am saying that as a strategy, cheating on your husband will only meet some very clamorous short-term needs, and the price you'll pay later is too high.
Therapy can help you determine whether your marriage is salvageable, or whether you even want to salvage it. Go alone if he won't go with you. Feel free to audition therapists until you find one you feel chemistry with. Though skill levels vary, I think as a group therapists are very good people.
One last piece of advice, and only because you asked us to offer it. When you approach your husband, please remember it isn't about his "failure" to "Make you happy." All that'll do is make him defensive and hostile. It's about: "When I look at our marriage I can't imagine you want to live this way, and I know I don't. I'm feeling vulnerable enough to need to do something about it. We deserve better than this; the love we started out with, and the children we brought into the world, deserve better than this. I'm going into therapy and I'd love it if you'd come with me."
He'll balk, in all likelihood. Systems hate to change, and every relationship is a system. But yours is an unproductive one, since you're lonely and bored, and any agitation will vitalize it, at least in the short term. He'll try and cast it as his not being "good enough" or your never "being satisfied" and you have to remember this is all SMOKE being thrown in your eyes. Just hold your ground as lovingly and gently as you can. "WE are not working as a unit, and I want to understand why not so we can get better and be happier. Neither of us is perfect but we have to get better at this, or else our lives are going to be pretty drab."
Courage, and good luck. It's better on the other side.
I was in a similar situation to yours about 8 years ago - Hubby and I had already been for marriage counceling several times and it would improve for a while , and then return to the "single Mom " feeling .
I was very lonely within my marriage also - I hope you will talk to your husband as openly and honestly as possible , as others have suggested. The "other man" is opening you up to KNOW in your heart you cannot go on the way you have been in your marriage
Good Luck
Peace
Kat
wildehafer
Pussy muncher
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- Sep 16, 2008
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- 1,857
You want your husband back, your relationship back and your sexlife back. That's fully understandable.
Growing apart in a relationship is so very painful. You have a lot at stake. A long time investment in your husband and you have children. An affair won't solve anything but the immediate gratification of your sexual urges and the untested affections of another man who has no committment to you.
You're entitled to be happy in your marriage and sexually satisfied. Despite your love for your husband if he's not returning it then you need to find out why and get it resolved.
Breakdown in communication in a destroyer of relationships. Talk to him, seek counselling. You both have to work at bringing the passion back. Relationships are a two way street.
If the end result is unsatisfactory, then you might have to consider ending the relationship before committing to another one without an existing one hanging over your head.
Growing apart in a relationship is so very painful. You have a lot at stake. A long time investment in your husband and you have children. An affair won't solve anything but the immediate gratification of your sexual urges and the untested affections of another man who has no committment to you.
You're entitled to be happy in your marriage and sexually satisfied. Despite your love for your husband if he's not returning it then you need to find out why and get it resolved.
Breakdown in communication in a destroyer of relationships. Talk to him, seek counselling. You both have to work at bringing the passion back. Relationships are a two way street.
If the end result is unsatisfactory, then you might have to consider ending the relationship before committing to another one without an existing one hanging over your head.
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Thank you all.
dave's thing
pervuator of boredom
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Again honesty stands apart form every thing else!!!
Congrats JtohisPB and here's praying that it all works out. Counseling will help for sure as long as it is all kept honest.
YEA TEAM!!!
Congrats JtohisPB and here's praying that it all works out. Counseling will help for sure as long as it is all kept honest.
YEA TEAM!!!
wildehafer
Pussy muncher
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Wow, I am overwhelmed by the honesty and concern in all of your posts. Reading through what each of you said brought tears to my eyes. It's unbelievable that such sound and considerate advice is coming from total strangers. Thank you for caring enough to reply.
My husband and I had a long conversation today. I took the advice offered by several of you (especially Erica's) and laid out my feelings and concerns for OUR relationship. It's not what WE deserve and hasn't been for a very long time. His response was absolutely amazing. He cried (I've never seen him cry before) and apologized for taking me for granted and for being so distant for so long.
It's been like this for more than three years at this point, but it's gotten worse and worse this year. He agreed. We talked for hours. He agreed, without hesitating, to go to counseling. We have an appt later this week. I couldn't believe he was so willing to seek counseling. He said he would do anything.
He is worth fighting for. And, apparently he thinks I am too.
You know, Literotica has been one of my favorite websites for a long time. It's the only adult site I frequent. I never expected it would have such a positive impact on my marriage. I am so incredibly optimistic right now it's unbelievable.
Maybe I can get him to like the site also...and bring it to the bedroom.
Thanks, again. So, so much.
As much as it takes this grumpy (ok not really) old soul to be emotional, your post welled a tear to my eye.
I'm so very happy for you that the news is positive.
A dozen
for you and your husband
to you both.
sterculius
Literotica Guru
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- Sep 21, 2007
- Posts
- 2,397
Wow! I've been following the posts on this thread, and agreeing with the good advice offered by our forum experts. I'm happy to hear that your situation has been so positively influenced as a result
of that advice within the short space of time between your original plea for assistance and your last posting. Good luck
of that advice within the short space of time between your original plea for assistance and your last posting. Good luck
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wildehafer
Pussy muncher
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Fantasies aren’t just healthy, they are vital. I have no doubt that my wife has fantasies she hasn’t –maybe won’t ever- share with me; I have mine I won’t share as well. But, some fantasies would sour quickly if brought into reality. The cost of making them real can be all too high. But the pleasure they can bring as day dreams, that’s well within the bounds of safe, sane, and consensual (even if the fantasy isn’t! LOL))
Agreed.
Sex is in the mind. It's impossible for a woman or man to totally satisfy all the mental and physical needs of the other. Fantasy helps us fuel the sexual urge, desires and release. It can be a very private thing and sometimes you need to press your own buttons to help get you there.
Hi JtohisPB!
I hate to sound sappy, but...
I just found this board a couple of days ago and honestly
after reading these responses you've gotten, I almost broke down
and cried...
Not to get long winded, but I just went through a divorce last year and
it was/is sooo painful!
My husband left me for a woman he worked with. He was convinced the grass
was greener on the other side.
After he was already gone, I did buy this online book of CD's. I loved it and loved what this Dr. had to say, but unfortunately it was too late for him... for us.
I downloaded the CD's to my computer and ipod, so i think i could give them to you, right? (I'm not a computer expert)
If you want them, I will figure out a way to get them to you, by computer or mail..if you want them I just thought they really helped and would have had a major impact if he would have stuck around...
Ohhh, i'm babbling! Let me know!
Take care! (and know that you can still be the jam to his peanut butter!)
I hate to sound sappy, but...
I just found this board a couple of days ago and honestly
after reading these responses you've gotten, I almost broke down
and cried...
Not to get long winded, but I just went through a divorce last year and
it was/is sooo painful!
My husband left me for a woman he worked with. He was convinced the grass
was greener on the other side.
After he was already gone, I did buy this online book of CD's. I loved it and loved what this Dr. had to say, but unfortunately it was too late for him... for us.
I downloaded the CD's to my computer and ipod, so i think i could give them to you, right? (I'm not a computer expert)
If you want them, I will figure out a way to get them to you, by computer or mail..if you want them
I just thought they really helped and would have had a major impact if he would have stuck around...Ohhh, i'm babbling! Let me know!
Take care! (and know that you can still be the jam to his peanut butter!)
curiousgeo62
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2008
- Posts
- 848
After reading this, I can only say "Wow, you guys rock!" Absolutely amazing that so many "strangers" can all be so right. Everyone on here gave great advice. Now, how can I fix my finances? LOL
wildehafer
Pussy muncher
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- Sep 16, 2008
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- 1,857
<sounds of crickets>
curiousgeo62
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2008
- Posts
- 848
Hello? Where did everyone go???
southernsky
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- May 10, 2005
- Posts
- 390
I'd also bring up in counseling the possibility of him having symptoms of depression. Post back and let us know how the counseling session goes. I'm impressed by both of your courage in trying so hard to work this out, and I wish you both the best!
satindesire
Queen of Geeks
- Joined
- Apr 19, 2005
- Posts
- 13,101
Give us updates when they come along honey, we all want to know how you and your husband have been doing!
I pray for you!
I pray for you!
silverwhisper
just this guy, you know?
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2005
- Posts
- 11,319
j, i'm really glad to read that--it's putting a smile on my face this morning. :>
and i hope to see p here sometime. :>
ed
and i hope to see p here sometime. :>
ed
Wishing you......................
The best of luck & hoping it works out for you & your family !!!!!!! The heartbreak of a broken marriage is the most pain I've ever experienced !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, I am overwhelmed by the honesty and concern in all of your posts. Reading through what each of you said brought tears to my eyes. It's unbelievable that such sound and considerate advice is coming from total strangers. Thank you for caring enough to reply.
My husband and I had a long conversation today. I took the advice offered by several of you (especially Erica's) and laid out my feelings and concerns for OUR relationship. It's not what WE deserve and hasn't been for a very long time. His response was absolutely amazing. He cried (I've never seen him cry before) and apologized for taking me for granted and for being so distant for so long.
It's been like this for more than three years at this point, but it's gotten worse and worse this year. He agreed. We talked for hours. He agreed, without hesitating, to go to counseling. We have an appt later this week. I couldn't believe he was so willing to seek counseling. He said he would do anything.
He is worth fighting for. And, apparently he thinks I am too.
You know, Literotica has been one of my favorite websites for a long time. It's the only adult site I frequent. I never expected it would have such a positive impact on my marriage. I am so incredibly optimistic right now it's unbelievable.
Maybe I can get him to like the site also...and bring it to the bedroom.
Thanks, again. So, so much.
The best of luck & hoping it works out for you & your family !!!!!!! The heartbreak of a broken marriage is the most pain I've ever experienced !!!!!!!!!!!!!
JtohisPB - a final note
I am so glad things are better. SO glad.
Please, though, be aware that therapy is hard. No double-entendre intended here, but if it's hard then it's doing good. At first some couples have a kind of "therapy-honeymoon," because it's so liberating to realize your "problems" or issues are different than you thought they were, and the relief can reignite that first JONES you had for each other. Then, after that, the going gets rougher. Just be aware that it really can be better on the other side, and if you have a good therapist (s)he'll be able to keep you guys unified even as you struggle with some very hard stuff. Even battling each other can be constructive when it's guided by a wise compassionate hand.
Sending waves of hope out your way.
I am so glad things are better. SO glad.
Please, though, be aware that therapy is hard. No double-entendre intended here, but if it's hard then it's doing good. At first some couples have a kind of "therapy-honeymoon," because it's so liberating to realize your "problems" or issues are different than you thought they were, and the relief can reignite that first JONES you had for each other. Then, after that, the going gets rougher. Just be aware that it really can be better on the other side, and if you have a good therapist (s)he'll be able to keep you guys unified even as you struggle with some very hard stuff. Even battling each other can be constructive when it's guided by a wise compassionate hand.
Sending waves of hope out your way.
