Is phone sex considered cheating?

[michchick98]

Sometimes when we're bored at work, we get to talking about some pretty interesting subjects.

Last Friday's subject was about cheating spouses. One of the girls I work with said her brother and his wife had recently separated and were divorcing because she'd call a phone sex line from time to time.

He got angry and accused her of cheating and it snowballed into them getting a divorce.

I guess maybe because I'm not in a steady relationship right now I don't think phone sex is cheating.

What about everyone else? Do you think phone sex can be considered cheating?

 

[cloudy]

Another one of those "it depends" questions.

If your partner doesn't like it, and you have to hide it from him/her, then yes, it's cheating.

 

[oggbashan]

It depends on the context.

If the couple are in a stable relationship and the phone sex is known to the partner then probably not.

If the phone sex is hidden from the partner it is likely to jeopardise the relationship and/or it may be a symptom of a wider problem.

Deceit destroys relationships.

Og

 

[PrincessErin]

.....

 

[Elianna]

Sometimes when we're bored at work, we get to talking about some pretty interesting subjects.

Last Friday's subject was about cheating spouses. One of the girls I work with said her brother and his wife had recently separated and were divorcing because she'd call a phone sex line from time to time.

Her got angry and accused her of cheating and it snowballed into them getting a divorce.

I guess maybe because I'm not in a steady relationship right now I don't think phone sex is cheating.

What about everyone else? Do you think phone sex can be considered cheating?

Personally, I could hear myself asking:
"What am I doing wrong that he's looking for passion with someone else?"
"Is there something wrong with my sex life?"
"What is that I DON'T meet in his needs..."
Granted, many women feel that way when their husbands look at porn.

I suppose, the difference is that someone is interracting back with you in phone sex. So I think it would play into my insecurities, make me feel like I'm not good enough to meet his needs. If people let those emotions fly out of control it could be destructive.

BUT is it cheating?

I suppose you have to have that conversation. People have different ideas of cheating and if you're in a steady relationship, you'd have to hash that out. Obviously, the phone sex thing is something they didn't hash out that wasn't okay with one of the partners. The only way to make sure boundaries aren't crossed is to clearly define them. If a couple decides that phone sex is NOT okay... then there you go.

JMHO

 

[xssve]

Technically yes, it's psychological cheating, and that's actually worse to some people.

It indicates a serious communication problem, and that's the number one relationship killer - i.e., if your spouse is into it, it can enhance the relationship, it's often the sneaking about that fertilizes the seeds of doubt.

A tricky thing in this day and age of cybersex vs. traditional morality - when women complain about their husband's internet porn addiction, I tell them: "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em".

i.e., it sort of depends on where your priorities lie: your moral identity or your relationship.

 

[ottohauser1977]

I don't know if it's cheating, but I know that it seems a waste of money. But that's my thrifty nature at work again. I like my sexual stimulation to come cheap or free.

 

[Katyusha]

Sometimes when we're bored at work, we get to talking about some pretty interesting subjects.

Last Friday's subject was about cheating spouses. One of the girls I work with said her brother and his wife had recently separated and were divorcing because she'd call a phone sex line from time to time.

He got angry and accused her of cheating and it snowballed into them getting a divorce.

I guess maybe because I'm not in a steady relationship right now I don't think phone sex is cheating.

What about everyone else? Do you think phone sex can be considered cheating?

It depends on the rules that the couple sets for their relationship. The underlying problem between your co-worker's brother and his wife is that they didn't talk about what constitutes cheating *between them.* He considered it cheating and she did not, but they both assumed either that they felt the same way or, in the case of the wife, thought that if he found out if wouldn't be a big deal even if he was a bit hurt because she'd never actually been with anyone else. That led to a serious, serious problem.

There are couples out there that consider mere flirting to be cheating. There are other couples that only consider doing anything with someone else in person to be cheating, but all else is fine including phone sex, cyber sex, and the like. There are couples who are in open relationships that allow each other to have sex with others and only consider it cheating if deception gets involved. There are even couples who have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy with their partners; they accept that they are probably going to end up in someone else's bed from time to time but would rather remain in the bliss of ignorance than know about it.

The point is that we cannot define what cheating is for other people, we can only define it for our own relationships. That requires ongoing, in-depth discussion about the topic between the two involved. Sadly, though, too many don't understand that.

 

[xssve]

It's cheating if I'm not invited.

 

[ottohauser1977]

This kind of thing is why I'm avoiding monogamy like the plague in the future. It's just easier that way. One divorce is enough for me.

 

[ottohauser1977]

It's cheating if I'm not invited.

LOL. That's what I'd tell a bisexual wife, too.

 

[oggbashan]

I am reminded of my neighbours from many years ago.

When they got married he knew that she liked partying with her female friends. He wasn't so keen on parties, at least not as often as she was, because he had a skilled job that involved physical labour so he wanted to rest at least some of the weekend.

They agreed that she could go out with her friends at least once a month - without him. She did.

As long as she stayed with her friends in a group there was no problem.

But when she started staying out all Saturday night when the rest of her group went home at 3am - the relationship started hitting the rocks.

She thought that "If he loved me he'd come and party with me. Letting me go on my own means I can play around because he doesn't love me."

He thought "Letting her go out with her mates enjoying what she likes to do and I would be a wallflower/nuisance means I trust her, because I love her."

They didn't communicate what they thought until the lawyers were involved. They divorced but regretted it. Some years later they tried again but it didn't work because they still weren't agreeing what was and was not acceptable in a partnership.

Now they are reasonably happy married to other people and can still meet as friends. If they had talked to each other instead of thinking that they knew what the other was thinking?

Og

 

[xssve]

No doubt, I should at least get to watch.

 

[ottohauser1977]

No doubt, I should at least get to watch.

Yes, that's the bare minimum.

 

[Happily_Variant]

Cheating?

I would offer that it is depends on the dynamics of the relationship. In a stable, committed relationship such activity could be seen as an extension of a partner's sexuality and merely a fun component.

However, if it must be hidden, then that speaks for itself. Even Freud stated that [sexual activities] certain activities within a relationship are perfectly normal as long as those activities are a component, and do not evolve into a focus.

Any interpersonal activity outside of the primary relationship that are not mutually consensual and not shared between the couple, i.e., deceitful, should be examined for what it is.

 

[phelon]

2 cents

in general i certainly agree with the overall flow that its a communication issue for a couple to decide what is and what is not cheating in the contract of their relationship..

i would toss out one bit of my own opinion...
if the partner was using a 'professional' line, as a masturbation aid when the other partner was not available and similar... then beyond the monetary issues.. it should be treated as porn.. like buying a video or mag.. or watching some online... if its ... going to a personals site or similar and finding a random or 'not so random' person that could be cheating.. since that leasts into advertising, flirting, seduction, and connection at more levels than offering over the credit card #..

 

[impressive]

If your partner doesn't like it, and you have to hide it from him/her, then yes, it's cheating.

Yup. Anything you hide because your partner would be angry/hurt is cheating.

I've long said that infidelity is not limited to sex. It's an issue of fear trumping integrity.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

I don't know about cheating but I'm kind of inclined to believe that phone sex is sort of a waste of time.

 

[impressive]

... but I'm kind of inclined to believe that phone sex is sort of a waste of time.

[threadjack]

Completely disagree.

[/threadjack]

 

[voluptuary_manque]

[threadjack]

Completely disagree.

[/threadjack]

Understandable. I've never been separated from my love while still within reach of the telephone.

 

[neonlyte]

It's better if you use a video link, some guy's have got high pitched voices

If you need to do it with someone you are not in a relationship with, there is something (usually) wrong with the relationship your in.

 

[tickledkitty]

[threadjack]

Completely disagree.

[/threadjack]

Agreed.

(and not caring about the threadjack)

 

[Boxlicker101]

I would consider phone sex to be about the same as reading porn and masturbating. Not exactly the same, because there is some interaction with the other person on the phone, but it's just a disembodied voice. I would say it is not cheating. I am assuming it is a commecial service, not a phone call to a former SO.

Having said that, if the other half of the couple is distressed by it, it should not be done. Not because it's cheating, but because committed couples should respect the feelings of each other.

 

[SlickTony]

I don't mind when my husband looks at more visually oriented porn than this one is that I hang out in--I like reading and writing, he doesn't. But I would kick at anything that ate up a lot of the family exchequer. If I were Mrs. Spitzer, for instance, it would totally piss me off that he spent that damn much money--and wasn't it her money in the first place?

 

[Katyusha]

Understandable. I've never been separated from my love while still within reach of the telephone.

I have. It wasn't a waste of time then.

But in general, I can't see myself being able to get off listening to someone who doesn't know me and therefore doesn't know what my hot buttons are talk dirty at me.