Poly Families with kids?

[Puman]

Hi All. A short time ago I was at my obstetrician getting a check up, when a lovely and very pregnant woman walked in with 2 beautiful strapping gents in tow. At first I thought nothing of it until I noticed how attentive and affectionate both men were towards her. But it was only when I saw the (lovely and subtle) gold chains and padlocks around both men's necks that I realised what kind of relationship this was.

I struck up a conversation with the lady who was very hesitant at first, but warmed up as soon as she realised I was just being friendly and not judgemental.

It turns out that they do not know which of the 3 gents (there is another guy who couldn't make the appointment) is the biological father of the baby they are expecting, but they seemed quite happy with that and won't be persuing any paternity tests or anything like that. They intend to raise the child with 1 mom and 3 dads - and they are planning to have more kids.

It all looks great on the surface and everyone seems happy now, but I can't help wondering if things could get really messy further down the line if this foursome doesn't last and it all turns into one terrible custody battle. Can you imagine?

But that's simply my opinion and I may just be a prude when it comes to kids. I am just curious what your opinions are.

Have any of you out there experienced or know of this poly-family type of situation? What do you make of it?

 

[Homburg]

Well, we're poly with kids in the family, but paternity and maternity are clear as the kids predate the poly relationship.

I am of two minds vis a vis paternity in the case you mentioned. Were I the woman in this case, I would want to know, simply because of the custody issue mentioned, but I don't know that I would want the lads to know. Hell, I might go so far as to have the test done and request the results sealed so they were availabl ein case of dissolution, but left me bias free as well .Either way, paternity, IMO, should be known at some point.

That said, even if paternity is known, it will be a mess regardless of who the father is, should someone break up. Depending on how acrimonious the break-up is, the exiting party can cause all sorts of mischief in many areas. *shrug* This is one of the chances you take when you are poly.

These sorts of issues are one of the things non-poly people frequently use to knock poly. I can see it, honestly can. It's scary, and it's difficult, and it's complex. It's a risk. Well, so is BDSM. So's dating. So's marriage. So is any interaction with any other human being. The only thing that matters in any of it is that you are aware of the risks you are getting yourself, and those you care about, into with your actions. If you intelligently, openly, and critically examine a given situation and decide that the risk is acceptable, fill your boots.

The counter to this is the old saw that the kids didn't choose this lifestyle. Nope, they didn't. They also didn't choose for their parents to be BDSM'ers, swingers, bible-thumpers, closet gays, or even *shudder* bankers. People do all sorts of stupid shit that fucks their kids up solidly. Given that anyone that is even remotely interesting is probably into some stupid shit somewhere in their life, I'd rather that my stupid shit be non-harmful, loving, and positive.

In the case of the foursome you saw, so long as they are looking forward to the birth and prepared to accept it, they're light years ahead of a LOT of breeders out there. Little Janey Crackhead may be serially monogamous, but I bet that baby X would choose a loving, probably nurturing foursome (with sufficient financial werewithal for gold jewelry and OB/GYN visits) over crack-mama. Is it the "optimal" parenting arrangement? Maybe not, but it sure beats some of the alternatives.

ETA: MIS brought up a very good point in support of knowing paternity - family medical history. If Tool #1 has a family history of diabetes, Tool #2 is epileptic, and Tool #3 comes from a long-line of fascists, you want to know these things.

 

[kinkyknickers]

Hi All. A short time ago I was at my obstetrician getting a check up, when a lovely and very pregnant woman walked in with 2 beautiful strapping gents in tow. At first I thought nothing of it until I noticed how attentive and affectionate both men were towards her. But it was only when I saw the (lovely and subtle) gold chains and padlocks around both men's necks that I realised what kind of relationship this was.

I struck up a conversation with the lady who was very hesitant at first, but warmed up as soon as she realised I was just being friendly and not judgemental.

It turns out that they do not know which of the 3 gents (there is another guy who couldn't make the appointment) is the biological father of the baby they are expecting, but they seemed quite happy with that and won't be persuing any paternity tests or anything like that. They intend to raise the child with 1 mom and 3 dads - and they are planning to have more kids.

It all looks great on the surface and everyone seems happy now, but I can't help wondering if things could get really messy further down the line if this foursome doesn't last and it all turns into one terrible custody battle. Can you imagine?

But that's simply my opinion and I may just be a prude when it comes to kids. I am just curious what your opinions are.

Have any of you out there experienced or know of this poly-family type of situation? What do you make of it?

Hmmm, I'm in a poly relationship with a guy and a girl and, whilst I can see the potential for problems with custody down the road, I don't see it as any different to what usually happens with blended families or gay relationships in this day and age.
Biology usually wins unless there's an issue with the welfare of the child (and even then biology will still win in the courts).
I don't think alot of people look at the bigger picture when it comes to polyamory, sure, it's different to what people are used to, but the issues faced are mostly the same as the norm. There's just more people to consider.

 

[kinkyknickers]

The counter to this is the old saw that the kids didn't choose this lifestyle. Nope, they didn't. They also didn't choose for their parents to be BDSM'ers, swingers, bible-thumpers, closet gays, or even *shudder* bankers.

BANKERS? I thought that was against the law!

 

[77817]

It turns out that they do not know which of the 3 gents (there is another guy who couldn't make the appointment) is the biological father of the baby they are expecting, but they seemed quite happy with that and won't be persuing any paternity tests or anything like that. They intend to raise the child with 1 mom and 3 dads - and they are planning to have more kids.

Oh God. What a fucking circus. *shakes head and sighs*

 

[EmpressFi]

Oh God. What a fucking circus. *shakes head and sighs*

If they treat their children better than the dad who broke his 18 month old daughter's back over his knee, rupturing her spine and killing her... or more securely than Susan Smith.. then more power to them.. criticize them if they make a muck of it, but dont assume they're going to just because they dont fit the traditional mold of "family"

 

[intothewoods]

First of all, I definitely agree that paternity should be determined for health and medical reasons, to provide a medical history.

I don't agree with the argument that because x, y and z could result in the dissolution of the family unit, or monogamous assholes one and two had kids, why not try poly. There are a lot of insane, self-absorbed wackos screwing up their kids. I personally don't need to join their ranks. That said, it doesn't mean poly parents are destined to fail. I don't know many poly people who are parents, but the ones I do know have very clear rules and boundaries, and they don't fuck with the family unit.

I don't happen to know any poly people who are raising a kid together. I've read about such unions. I just don't know anyone doing this. It's not that it can't work, but what is the commitment to the kid that each of these guys have?

 

[Puman]

Well, we're poly with kids in the family, but paternity and maternity are clear as the kids predate the poly relationship.

I am of two minds vis a vis paternity in the case you mentioned. Were I the woman in this case, I would want to know, simply because of the custody issue mentioned, but I don't know that I would want the lads to know. Hell, I might go so far as to have the test done and request the results sealed so they were availabl ein case of dissolution, but left me bias free as well .Either way, paternity, IMO, should be known at some point.

That said, even if paternity is known, it will be a mess regardless of who the father is, should someone break up. Depending on how acrimonious the break-up is, the exiting party can cause all sorts of mischief in many areas. *shrug* This is one of the chances you take when you are poly.

These sorts of issues are one of the things non-poly people frequently use to knock poly. I can see it, honestly can. It's scary, and it's difficult, and it's complex. It's a risk. Well, so is BDSM. So's dating. So's marriage. So is any interaction with any other human being. The only thing that matters in any of it is that you are aware of the risks you are getting yourself, and those you care about, into with your actions. If you intelligently, openly, and critically examine a given situation and decide that the risk is acceptable, fill your boots.

The counter to this is the old saw that the kids didn't choose this lifestyle. Nope, they didn't. They also didn't choose for their parents to be BDSM'ers, swingers, bible-thumpers, closet gays, or even *shudder* bankers. People do all sorts of stupid shit that fucks their kids up solidly. Given that anyone that is even remotely interesting is probably into some stupid shit somewhere in their life, I'd rather that my stupid shit be non-harmful, loving, and positive.

In the case of the foursome you saw, so long as they are looking forward to the birth and prepared to accept it, they're light years ahead of a LOT of breeders out there. Little Janey Crackhead may be serially monogamous, but I bet that baby X would choose a loving, probably nurturing foursome (with sufficient financial werewithal for gold jewelry and OB/GYN visits) over crack-mama. Is it the "optimal" parenting arrangement? Maybe not, but it sure beats some of the alternatives.

ETA: MIS brought up a very good point in support of knowing paternity - family medical history. If Tool #1 has a family history of diabetes, Tool #2 is epileptic, and Tool #3 comes from a long-line of fascists, you want to know these things.

I agree with you 100% on all issues. There are too many "normal" (whatever the hell that is) people who mess their kids up for anyone to be judgemental about poly families. I would also want to know who the father is for legal and health/genetic puposes.

It also makes things far less messy should the foursome become a threesome/twosome at any point. If paternity is determined now, then you don't have to prove it every time someone leaves and there's a custody issue.... makes things much easier on the child, I would imagine.

 

[rida]

Honestly, better three dads than a single banker dad Chances are that income wise they are the same but the kids are going to get a lot more fatherly attention in the first scenario.

All light hearted musing aside, paternity is important to know for exactly the reasons MIS stated, but not be necessary to be known by everybody right away (although chances are you will be able to tell by the way they look, unless the fathers are all brothers ).

That said, I used to be on a totally different board once (for expecting mothers) and one of the lady was in a poly situation with two husbands: they had been "married" (standard marriage between two of them and legal contracts protecting them between the others) for 16 years and had 13 kids.
They knew the paternity of each child, and the child also knew who their biological father was but considered both men to be their fathers. They sounded a very happy arrangement, and the children sounded all well adjusted. They had a big network of friends and family supporting their life style and home schooled the children until they asked to go to public school.

Ultimately, break ups with children involved are hard and painful and complicated whether there is one father or two or three. There will just be more lawyers and fees involved if things are not amicable.

And as Homburg-sama stated, chances are that the quadriad you saw have thought out the ramification of them getting pregnant very carefully.

 

[Puman]

...
I don't happen to know any poly people who are raising a kid together. I've read about such unions. I just don't know anyone doing this. It's not that it can't work, but what is the commitment to the kid that each of these guys have?

This is a first for me too.. it's the sort of thing you read about but never see. (And all power to them for being so open about it - they could have snubbed me completely). I am guessing here, but perhaps the commitment level of each of the guys involved is the very reason they are not persuing paternity? Maybe they are worried that their level of commitment to the child would not be the same if they were not the biological father... I dunno.

As long as they love kid...

 

[intothewoods]

And as Homburg-sama stated, chances are that the quadriad you saw have thought out the ramification of them getting pregnant very carefully.

That would be nice, but I don't know why it woud be necessarily so. People leap into having kids all the time.

This is a first for me too.. it's the sort of thing you read about but never see. (And all power to them for being so open about it - they could have snubbed me completely). I am guessing here, but perhaps the commitment level of each of the guys involved is the very reason they are not persuing paternity? Maybe they are worried that their level of commitment to the child would not be the same if they were not the biological father... I dunno.

As long as they love kid...

I don't think romanticizing poly to be any better a situation than mono makes sense.

 

[Homburg]

If they treat their children better than the dad who broke his 18 month old daughter's back over his knee, rupturing her spine and killing her... "

I was sick to my stomach when I read about this particular toxic piece of shit.

 

[graceanne]

Well, we're poly with kids in the family, but paternity and maternity are clear as the kids predate the poly relationship.

Not to be nit-picky, but the maternity is ALWAYS clear, and the paternity would be anyway, cause in your case it's ONE guy and TWO girls.

or even *shudder* bankers.

*cries* You scary.

 

[Puman]

That would be nice, but I don't know why it woud be necessarily so. People leap into having kids all the time.

LOL! you are so right... and condoms also have holes in.
They didn't mention whether this was planned or not... I doubt it - although they mentioned having more.

I don't think romanticizing poly to be any better a situation than mono makes sense.

I'm not. The only clear-cut advantage I see is "load-sharing" for the first 3 months of the baby's life.... I have a tiny tot myself and on some days I wish I was one of four taking care of her. (as most moms do, I am sure)

Seriously though, I think it's great that all the men are involved and keen to be "dads", but if I were their lawyer, I'd strongly recommend finding out the paternity at least.

 

[Homburg]

That would be nice, but I don't know why it woud be necessarily so. People leap into having kids all the time.

It's a safe assumption that they aren't unhappy with the birth, and aren't completely unready. People who are not looking forward to the baby, or think they're really not ready for it, tend to be worried and pensive in the OB/GYN waiting room, not happy and loving.

I don't think romanticizing poly to be any better a situation than mono makes sense.

So "but it's better than a crack-mama" is romanticising? "As long as they love the kid" is somehow saying that poly is better than mono?

 

[Homburg]

Not to be nit-picky, but the maternity is ALWAYS clear, and the paternity would be anyway, cause in your case it's ONE guy and TWO girls.

There are cultures that do not place a high value on maternity designations, and, after a while, even the mothers aren't quite sure which ones are theirs. Still, in my case, I was being pedantic.

*cries* You scary.

Just trying to nail my point down. Sometimes scare tactics are the very best way.

 

[Puman]

If they treat their children better than the dad who broke his 18 month old daughter's back over his knee, rupturing her spine and killing her... or more securely than Susan Smith..

Stories like these tend to activate my temper-reflex

 

[EmpressFi]

I was sick to my stomach when I read about this particular toxic piece of shit.

As was I

 

[graceanne]

Seriously though, I think it's great that all the men are involved and keen to be "dads", but if I were their lawyer, I'd strongly recommend finding out the paternity at least.

Paternity can be found out at any given time. If it becomes necessary they can do it then.

 

[EmpressFi]

I don't think romanticizing poly to be any better a situation than mono makes sense.

I dont think anyone is saying that Poly makes for better parenting than monogamous families... what I see and what I believe is that it shouldn't matter what the family structure is: mom and dad, mom and mom, dad and dad, poly households, as long the family is committed to each other and to loving the child.

 

[Puman]

It's a safe assumption that they aren't unhappy with the birth, and aren't completely unready. People who are not looking forward to the baby, or think they're really not ready for it, tend to be worried and pensive in the OB/GYN waiting room, not happy and loving.

You are correct... all 3 of them were actually quite gooey-eyed over having a baby.

 

[myinnerslut]

im in the position of being the person that is entering the family with kids. for the past six months i have been involved in their lives, and they have been involved in mine. they arent my kids, and i have no illusions that they are (hell, i was 12 when the oldest was born, they physically CANT be my kids). even so, i respected them immediately, and very quickly grew to love them.

since im not planning on going anywhere relationship-wise, the plan is for the kids to be raised in a three adult family. note i didnt say three parent family. it is a two parent and one godmother family. i am not nor will i ever try to take the place of their mother. but as their god-mother, they still need to listen to me if i ask them to do something, and we all respect each other.

there will come a point with any child where they realize that there is world outside of thier home. they will start to realize that people and families around them are different. that the neighbors down the street have a different skin color, or that the people around the corner have only one kid unlike their family of four children. they will realize that other families have one or two adult figures in the household not three. but as children growing up in a three person household while this realization will be made, it will not be a shattering force that divides thier self and family image. children grow up in many types of families, and unless the family unit was dysfunctional, they have no reason not to grow up any more or less functional themselves.

 

[Netzach]

It all looks great on the surface and everyone seems happy now, but I can't help wondering if things could get really messy further down the line if this foursome doesn't last and it all turns into one terrible custody battle. Can you imagine?

Yep. I can. Because what is it, one in two conventional hetero one man one woman marriages will go this route.

 

[intothewoods]

It's a safe assumption that they aren't unhappy with the birth, and aren't completely unready. People who are not looking forward to the baby, or think they're really not ready for it, tend to be worried and pensive in the OB/GYN waiting room, not happy and loving.

I'm not saying they're unhappy about it. But happy and loving people with the best intentions haven't necessarily carefully considered the ramifications, as rida expressed it. Maybe. Not necessarily.

So "but it's better than a crack-mama" is romanticising? "As long as they love the kid" is somehow saying that poly is better than mono?

No, that's neither here nor there. As long as they love the kid, what? What comes next? Everything will be end happily ever after? No, not necessarily. As long as they are willing to be there for that kid until he's 18, and be committed to parenting that kid into adulthood, then we've got something. Lots of people think playing house is fun. 18 years is a long time.

 

[Homburg]

Yep. I can. Because what is it, one in two conventional hetero one man one woman marriages will go this route.

Alright now, stop romanticising poly.