Trust in relationships

[PertPerth]

I recently had a session with my psychologist and we spoke a lot about trust - more specifically trust in relationships. I am so used to trusting nobody, that I don't think I can trust anyone completely (emotionally, physically, financially). It makes me feel scared to think that I might never have a lasting relationship because of that.
She seemed to think that I could have a loving, lasting relationship without needing to trust that person.

My trust has been broken since the day I was born, by people who I ought to be able to trust. So, I have learned to look after myself. I'm happy as I am, though I'd like to share my life with someone.

I would like to know opinions on if it possible to have a fulfilling relationship without total trust in that person.

 

[WM1966]

I recently had a session with my psychologist and we spoke a lot about trust - more specifically trust in relationships. I am so used to trusting nobody, that I don't think I can trust anyone completely (emotionally, physically, financially). It makes me feel scared to think that I might never have a lasting relationship because of that.
She seemed to think that I could have a loving, lasting relationship without needing to trust that person.

My trust has been broken since the day I was born, by people who I ought to be able to trust. So, I have learned to look after myself. I'm happy as I am, though I'd like to share my life with someone.

I would like to know opinions on if it possible to have a fulfilling relationship without total trust in that person.

I think you can

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Trust is something that develops gradually over time. You may not be able to trust someone as much or as quickly as most people but I think by its very nature, a good long term relationship would gradually build trust. Like respect, trust is earned, not given. The fact that people in your life have not been trustworthy does not mean that the person you choose to have a relationship will not be so.

 

[LegsApart]

I have the same problem

 

[Cathleen]

A lasting relationship without trust? Yikes! If the kind of relationship I'm thinking of -- an emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially intimate relationship, I think trust is required.

I'd like to say it's the foundation but trust doesn't happen quickly so maybe it can become the foundation down the road but what a long tough road it'd be for me.

Like you, my trust has been compromised from the start and then having worked very hard I saw some light but it wasn't true. I have moments of self-pity and 'know' it's just not to be for me (that intimate relationship) but thankfully those moments pass.

I'm not saying trust is easy for me but I know it is within my power to trust. I need to be careful about who/what I choose to trust. I guess it comes down to smarts, awareness and guts for me. I really don't want to live always on alert, it takes energy that can be better spent elsewhere.

I don't wear 'full body armor' anymore but it's not far away.

 

[PertPerth]

That's just it - I don't think I'd be happy putting all my trust in one person (like all my eggs in one basket). While I'm a romantic, I'm also very much a realist. I'd prefer not to have a joint purchased house. A joint savings account, for sure, but I'd always have my own account too.
I'd prefer to keep some private things private. I've had a few big things happen in my life - it seems whenever I talk about it with someone I'm dating, things change. I hate that...I have always regretted it...thus, my past is now my past and I'm moving on. I have moved on. It's not like I have terrible skeletons in my closet which will somehow come back to bite me or my relationship.

I'm just worrying about a hypothetical situation. If he's not happy with how I feel about certain things, then I guess he's not the one for me.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Things like that are more matters of personal choice. Master and I have separate accounts and I don't have any input on where his money goes as long as the bills are paid and there are groceries in the house - and vice versa. He has no interest in interfering with my finances. I know a lot of couples who've been together years and still retain their own little bastions of independence. I'd also hope that any guy who knew you had trust issues would be happy not to press for things you're not happy with.

Before I met Master, I would never have been happy with somebody looking into my private things; forum posts, emails, text messages etc. That to me displays a lack of trust and a natural suspicion that's unhealthy. I split with my ex because he was too controlling and interfering (in a bad way). Although I knew he had been cheated on by his ex, it just wasn't fair to treat me with the same level of suspicion all the time. I tried being open and accounting for everything to try and show I was trustworthy but he never eased up or felt that he didn't need a blow by blow account of my day. After a certain point, I lost my sympathy for his past and his issues. I was like 'you know what? I'm not her and this isn't fair.'

I think there's a big difference between emotionally trusting somebody and handing power like a joint account. I suppose the other obvious question is whether you would be happy to allow a partner as much privacy, autonomy and freedom as you want for yourself or whether it would make you paranoid and suspicious?

 

[PertPerth]

I've never been a suspicious or jealous person - not even in the worst of my relationships. I've been cheated on a couple of times - while I was cross when I found out, it wasn't ever the cause of the break up. We are human, we make mistakes, I can forgive.
I don't think I'd have a problem with Him wanting space/privacy of his own. I'd have no issue if He wants to go out drinking with his mates. It's not email/sms privacy I need.
When I cry, I just want him to pass me the box of tissues....not to harass me with a million questions so he can try to "fix me" or "protect me".

 

[PertPerth]

...and thanks for the replies.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

When I cry, I just want him to pass me the box of tissues....not to harass me with a million questions so he can try to "fix me" or "protect me".

Yep. Master's had to learn that one the hard way. I'm a big girl. I don't want my battles fought for me.

 

[Cathleen]

I've never been a suspicious or jealous person - not even in the worst of my relationships. I've been cheated on a couple of times - while I was cross when I found out, it wasn't ever the cause of the break up. We are human, we make mistakes, I can forgive.
I don't think I'd have a problem with Him wanting space/privacy of his own. I'd have no issue if He wants to go out drinking with his mates. It's not email/sms privacy I need.


When I cry, I just want him to pass me the box of tissues....not to harass me with a million questions so he can try to "fix me" or "protect me".

This is something that comes up with a friend and I rather regularly. We can talk for hours about something and the 'it' doesn't get 'solved'. It doesn't have to actually; quite often the way I see it isn't solvable.

There are so many wonderful differences between men and women but, damn there are a few that drive me up the proverbial wall, like men needing to fix everything! I know, I know...it's the nature of the beast, so to speak of course. ; )

I admit to having occasional wistful moments of wanting to take their 'tool belt' and throw it into the ocean. Mostly I love and laugh at our differences - it all just makes so much sense/non-sense too. Clear communication is life-saving.

As for the parts of us remaining just ours, I'm all for it and think it's very important. There are things within us that belong only to us. I can relate to reactionary behavior when we share those big things, good bad or whatever, they don't look at us the same or maybe they wish they could take it away. I don't want to be seen as needing pity, coddling, or anything less than equal on all fronts. Sometimes it feels like we've become someone to pat on the head and say "There, there now," and that stinks. If avoiding that means keeping things to ourselves, it might just have to be that way. Although that puts up a road block on the trust issue I suppose.

As women become/have become more and more autonomous financially, the way we see ourselves changes, which means behaviors change for men, too. It's not so much about emotional health as it's adjusting our insides to the outsides and vice-versa. (You know how we re-adjust our bra straps over and over before we get one that fits better - that kind of thing.)

 

[ivantheterrible]

well, this is sort of from another point of view.

i and my wife have an odd sort of relationship. we trust each other to be careful, and we both pay bills, we're there for each other when it is needed or not. we come home after whatever we both do in a day, take care of home, kids, etc..
she knows i'd like to have sex with someone else. she doesn't care as long as i am careful, and she doesn't want to hear it on the streets, or from me. so, IF i ever have a lover, i get to know them first. i will not bring home more than i left with. i.e.- catch an STD, or have a jealous woman or boyfriend or husband looking for me. i have the chance to have sex with a hot MILF right now, but i go slow and want to get to know her. she is married, they have an odd relationship. he is apparently impotent and doesn't mind her fucking someone else, as long as he is around. BUT, he drinks too much, and his personality does weird back flips. and as long as that is a problem, i'll never fuck the woman. i don't want this jackass finding my wife and causing trouble.
as i see it, IF you don't know the person well, and you HAVE to wear a condom, why are you fucking this person in the first place?
my wife is free and clear to fuck anybody else she wants. but she won't. she says i am more man than she can handle. *puffs out chest in a comical way*. but if she ever did go through with it, i know she will be careful.
if i ever had sex with someone else, (in 15 years it hasn't happened due to the women wanted me all to themselves, or they weren't safe, or emotional problems were the case with them) it wouldn't be out of just getting off, or having fun with them. i care about every woman who has ever shown interest in me. i find it sweet, and loving. probably because when i was younger women rarely if ever showed any interest in me, and i am not bitter about it. i know a woamn, at least most women, have their hearts involved when they have sex with someone. and i don't like breaking hearts. that's evil.
once , back in april i was in virginia near richmond working with a company to repair the stone work in furnaces for an electrical power plant. we would go to a restaurant called DB junction. great BBQ sandwich. a young lady, about 19 or so, looked me in the eye and she went all puppy dog eyed in love look. i could have taken advantage of that easily. but the way she looked at me, i could never do it, because it would have broken her heart.

 

[TallMan60]

That's just it - I don't think I'd be happy putting all my trust in one person (like all my eggs in one basket). While I'm a romantic, I'm also very much a realist. I'd prefer not to have a joint purchased house. A joint savings account, for sure, but I'd always have my own account too.
I'd prefer to keep some private things private. I've had a few big things happen in my life - it seems whenever I talk about it with someone I'm dating, things change. I hate that...I have always regretted it...thus, my past is now my past and I'm moving on. I have moved on. It's not like I have terrible skeletons in my closet which will somehow come back to bite me or my relationship.

I'm just worrying about a hypothetical situation. If he's not happy with how I feel about certain things, then I guess he's not the one for me.

Trust has many levels, something I learned in therapy. There is no reason for you to completely trust everyone and give up all of your privacy. People need their privacy. You need thoughts and things that you don't share with your partner, it's perfectly healthy. I used to think I had to give it all, to share everything, but that's very unhealthy. You will find the right level as the relationship progresses. There is one thing and one thing only to trust, your heart and yourself. Everything else should be trusted less to some extent.

Good luck!

 

[Noor]

I understand completely. I am having the problem of even giving anyone the benefit of the doubt right now.

 

[sensusaldesire]

trust

I trust no one , I believe that trust is earned not givin.

 

[greeneyed_Lady]

That's just it - I don't think I'd be happy putting all my trust in one person (like all my eggs in one basket). While I'm a romantic, I'm also very much a realist. I'd prefer not to have a joint purchased house. A joint savings account, for sure, but I'd always have my own account too.
I'd prefer to keep some private things private. I've had a few big things happen in my life - it seems whenever I talk about it with someone I'm dating, things change. I hate that...I have always regretted it...thus, my past is now my past and I'm moving on. I have moved on. It's not like I have terrible skeletons in my closet which will somehow come back to bite me or my relationship.

I'm just worrying about a hypothetical situation. If he's not happy with how I feel about certain things, then I guess he's not the one for me.

Who said you can't have those things?? While I was never financially bound to my ex in the way of a house, we each had our own accounts, plus a joint one to pay household expenses with. The cars were in my name as they were mine prior to marriage... and when we traded one in for a new one, it remained in my name... and the one after that was mine as well.

There are things I do not disclose to people because I don't want to see the look on their face, nor do I want their pity. I am not broken and I do not wish to be fixed. I do not see the harm in having somethings private, but some might. Some might feel that in keeping those things from them, you are uncomfortable and obviously distrusting of them. It's hard to keep those things from someone you love tho. Big catch 22.

I told my ex... was a huge leap of faith for me. I needed to know if he was going to be there for me.. at he was at that moment. He wasn't when I needed him most. I still wouldn't change things. Not sure this applies, but I'm going to say it anyway...

Being in love with someone means that you are opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt.



We are each different... you will do what you need to and find what you need in order to make your relationship what you want.

 

[PertPerth]

well, this is sort of from another point of view.
i and my wife have an odd sort of relationship.

Thank you for sharing your story with us, Ivan. It's nice to hear stories like that ...and that both you and your wife are happy.

Who said you can't have those things??

A friend. I was arguing saying that "there is no harm in leaving a little mystery", they were saying that without total trust, it's not a "real relationship".

Being in love with someone means that you are opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt.

It's not the love part I'm afraid of...nor the comitment. Just scared about the possible loss of me and the things I have worked so hard for.

We are each different... you will do what you need to and find what you need in order to make your relationship what you want.

Thank you. I really needed to hear that.

Thank you all!!

 

[subwannabe]

I don't think it's hopeless for you to find someone who you can eventually trust completely. You seem to be making good progress with counseling. I think you need to take baby steps. I don't know much about your previous life but I think others have already said that trust is something that is earned and maybe your big mistake was in trusting too much with those that hadn't really earned it yet. I think that's it great that you put the past in the past. Good luck.

 

[bailadora]

A friend. I was arguing saying that "there is no harm in leaving a little mystery", they were saying that without total trust, it's not a "real relationship".

With all due respect to your friend, I disagree. When my husband and I married, there was a trust between us that we would try not to hurt each other either emotionally or physically and that we would demonstrate financial responsibility. But he certainly didn't know all of my most intimate thoughts and desires and I didn't know his. These are things that have come out over time when we become comfortable in sharing them. For as much as I love my husband and think that we've had a pretty damn good marriage, it's taken me this long to finally let him into my secret core and share my fantasies with him. A lot of it was due to my own hangups and some of it was due to fear that he'd think I was just plain weird and that it would somehow change the way he sees me. And while my fears turned out to be totally groundless, it was still a huge leap of faith for me to take and all with the man I have spent the last 20 years with.

It's not the love part I'm afraid of...nor the comitment. Just scared about the possible loss of me and the things I have worked so hard for.
:

*hugs* Oh - I can so relate to this as it's something I have struggled with. I didn't have so much a problem when I became a partner but DID when I became a parent. I bought into the fallacy that in order to be a "good" parent, I needed to give all my energy to the kids and that it was all about that. What I have learned is that in order to take care of everyone else, I have to take care of myself first. If I sacrifice my thoughts and needs and desires in the process of taking care of everyone else, then I will burn out and be of no help to anyone. It can be hard, but I think if you try to be aware of and on guard against it, then you are more likely to catch yourself if start down that path.

 

[emptynester]

Wow, good thread!

For me, it is totally about trusting each other enough to never doubt that he/she would be unfaithful. Never to even put an ounce of doubt in the other one's mind about it.

My husband and I are both very private people. When I married him I trusted him completely but still had reservations about telling him certain things or being completely honest and open with regard to every aspect of my life. It had absolutely nothing to do with not trusting him, it was all about my lack of self confidence, etc.

In 28 years of marriage, I have never given him reason to doubt his trust in me and I have never ever doubted his faithfulness. Our backgrounds were similar enough that we both went into marriage believing it was for life.

I am not going to lie and say there were never rocky times, but it was never over an issue of not trusting one another.

I think as others have said, it takes time to develop complete trust and commitment to someone.

In the beginning, I was very independent and had to learn to be more dependent on him at times. There are certain situations he doesn't want me to put myself in and I respect that. Out of respect for me, he does the same.

It takes time to work up to opening up to someone and sharing your inner most thoughts. In all the trials of raising three children, dealing with sickness, accidents and death of loved ones, you grow to count on each other more and more. Trust develops as a result of going through tough times together and relying on the other for strength and support. Most of the time now, I know what he is thinking and vice versa, without even having to ask.

I think there are really very few people I trust in my day to day life. I can count on one hand those I consider to be trusted friends, but those are the friends I know I can count on. Fortunately for me, my husband is at the top of that list. Hope you find the same.

 

[PertPerth]

Thanks for your replies everyone.


Emptynester - 28 years! Well done! Growing up I was always amazed when my parents friends and my friends parents divorced after 20 or 25 years (ie once kids were out of school). My parents have been married for 40 years. Hearing 'success stories' gives me hope that I can find the same.

 

[southernsky]

I think that there is a big difference between trusting someone and giving yourself and your life over to them with no way to maintain yourself as an independent person on some level. There is value (IMHO) in making sure that you maintain yourself to a standard on which you could survive and thrive without your spouse should something happen to either him/her or the relationship. There is no law that says that being in a meaningful relationship means you shouldn't write a pre-nup, keep education and/or professional credentials up to date, maintain your own good credit score, keep an emergency cash fund for yourself, have a contingency plan for if he were to leave you or vice versa, and maintain your own social network independent of his. A meaningful relationship doesn't necessarily mean giving up yourself and what makes you able to thrive alone, it means learning to work together with another person in order to reap the rewards of that relationship which are hopefully much greater than anticipated. Trust doesn't mean giving up autonomy.

 

[pleasteasme]

I recently had a session with my psychologist and we spoke a lot about trust - more specifically trust in relationships. I am so used to trusting nobody, that I don't think I can trust anyone completely (emotionally, physically, financially). It makes me feel scared to think that I might never have a lasting relationship because of that.
She seemed to think that I could have a loving, lasting relationship without needing to trust that person.

My trust has been broken since the day I was born, by people who I ought to be able to trust. So, I have learned to look after myself. I'm happy as I am, though I'd like to share my life with someone.

I would like to know opinions on if it possible to have a fulfilling relationship without total trust in that person.

This is like looking into a mirror.





I have no answer but look forward to the responses. Thank you for posting this.

 

[VFaulkon]

Trust has always been a big thing for me too - mine's been abused so many times by people I cared about growing up, trust for me is hard-won now. I think it's one reason that, while I'd really like a relationship right now, I'm really not itching to get into one at the moment. I really don't know if I'm ready for it.

Trust really is a big deal - trust to be open and honest with your SO, trust that they'll be loyal, faithful, loving and understanding, etc. And for people like us who've been hurt before, patience is not only part of any good relationship, it's connected strongly to trust.

For people who've been betrayed in one way or another, trust takes time to build, and you have to find someone who understands that and is willing to give you the time and space you need to open up. And people like that do exist - it just takes more time and patience to find them, get to know them, and hopefully develop a closeness with them.

A relationship without trust can exist. A serious one, one that'll be lasting, can't. That's my take on it.

 

[phelon]

2 cents

my two cents .....

Trust is a continuum, and the key word i see in your original post is 'total' which is really impossible since thats an abstract.
now reading into your posts.. you seem to fear a loss of self, of your accomplishments and of becoming less than whole by trusting...

well, with a decent partner, this cannot happen since they will share things with you some of which are together things, but your job, your decisions, are still your own.

my advice, take the first couple steps and see what happens, Be honest that you have trust issues and that your wanting to go slow and things will or won;t grow as they will... in the meantime you will learn, and enjoy more along the way.

Good luck.


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sidebar: yes guys need to fix things... sometimes its all we can do