nature of a submissive

[Valcorie]

So I have been doing a lot of thinking about submission, personalities, and relationships lately. I have been examining myself and why i like submission and trying to figure out if it is 'healthy.'

So here are a few questions for all of you....

Have you always felt like you have had a submissive side, or do you think that it was a learned behavior (experienced abuse or something)
I think I was always a little submissive, I had controlling parents but I remember getting in trouble because I would try to do to much for my siblings. I just thing I was always that way. Although now I am am in a vanilla relationship that is verbally/emotionally abusive and I guess that shaped things too

Do you feel that you choose and force yourself to submit or is it an overwhelming urge to submit?
I guess a good example is when I have upset my former master. I felt my heart race, my stomach churn, and an overpowering urge to make it better. I don't choose to submit to just anyone, but there are some people I feel a distinct undeniable pull to submit to.

What do you think about your own submission? Is it a 'healthy' behavior? Is it something you could ever overcome or would you even want to?
I feel it is such a part of my nature I don't know if I can ever get rid of it, maybe deny it shove it in a bottle somewhere. lol.


I guess what I am really questioning is, I delight in submission (especially with sex), but I can see how that side of me has come back to bit me in my current relationship. Perhaps I should deny try to stifle that part of myself so I don't end up in the same boat again.

 

[Zoots_owner]

I'd tend to look at the situation differently, and ask different questions, because I don't see a verbally and emotionally abusive vanilla relationship as having much in common with D/s, unless it's D/s done wrong.

I'm thinking that the problems you're having now are not from being submissive per se, but from having limits that are probably undefined, and are ignored in any case.

It's not you, it's the relationship.

 

[CutieMouse]

I have been examining myself and why i like submission and trying to figure out if it is 'healthy.'

Submission is as emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically "healthy" as the person doing the submitting.

Have you always felt like you have had a submissive side, or do you think that it was a learned behavior (experienced abuse or something)

That's a nature/nurture sort of question, and I'm not sure anyone really has the answer. People are so very complex, I have a hard time believing it's one or the other.

Do you feel that you choose and force yourself to submit or is it an overwhelming urge to submit?

Both. Sometimes it's a love[lust]/hate thing; sometimes a burning desire/need thing.

What do you think about your own submission? Is it a 'healthy' behavior? Is it something you could ever overcome or would you even want to?

When I was younger and not as comfortable with myself, when I didn't have as many relationship tools... my submissive nature wasn't as positive a thing as it is now. I think I have a pretty healthy grip on things now, though... mostly.

As for "overcoming" it, I see nothing to "overcome." Submissiveness is part (and only part) of who I am. Remove it as if it were a cancer, lock it up as if it were something shameful and dirty, and I world would lose part of what makes me, me.

 

[Van093]

So I have been doing a lot of thinking about submission, personalities, and relationships lately. I have been examining myself and why i like submission and trying to figure out if it is 'healthy.'

So here are a few questions for all of you....

Have you always felt like you have had a submissive side, or do you think that it was a learned behavior (experienced abuse or something)
I think I was always a little submissive, I had controlling parents but I remember getting in trouble because I would try to do to much for my siblings. I just thing I was always that way. Although now I am am in a vanilla relationship that is verbally/emotionally abusive and I guess that shaped things too

Do you feel that you choose and force yourself to submit or is it an overwhelming urge to submit?
I guess a good example is when I have upset my former master. I felt my heart race, my stomach churn, and an overpowering urge to make it better. I don't choose to submit to just anyone, but there are some people I feel a distinct undeniable pull to submit to.

What do you think about your own submission? Is it a 'healthy' behavior? Is it something you could ever overcome or would you even want to?
I feel it is such a part of my nature I don't know if I can ever get rid of it, maybe deny it shove it in a bottle somewhere. lol.


I guess what I am really questioning is, I delight in submission (especially with sex), but I can see how that side of me has come back to bit me in my current relationship. Perhaps I should deny try to stifle that part of myself so I don't end up in the same boat again.

Do you really need to deny that side of yourself? Maybe separating your desire for sexual submission from your everyday life would be more the answer. Do the two have to go together?

 

[AmishPantry]

It's funny you ask this because I don't think most submissives are submissive to anyone other than their Dominants. I have know some pretty headstrong and confident working women who fully submitted themselves behind closed doors and all but bowed to the man in their lives.

A submissive simply offers all of herself to the man she loves and strives to pleasure him any way he suggests. He rules his house as a king and she submits freely, openly and completely to him. It's an act of love as well as respect and admiration.

I think you might be confusing a D/s relationship with a M/s relationship. The two are not in the same league.

 

[CutieMouse]

It's funny you ask this because I don't think most submissives are submissive to anyone other than their Dominants. I have know some pretty headstrong and confident working women who fully submitted themselves behind closed doors and all but bowed to the man in their lives.

A submissive simply offers all of herself to the man she loves and strives to pleasure him any way he suggests. He rules his house as a king and she submits freely, openly and completely to him. It's an act of love as well as respect and admiration.

I think you might be confusing a D/s relationship with a M/s relationship. The two are not in the same league.

And to make things even more confusing, there are D/s relationships out there that don't work like the bolded bit, either - but they are no more or less D/s than the above [bolded] description.

 

[Valcorie]

I'd tend to look at the situation differently, and ask different questions, because I don't see a verbally and emotionally abusive vanilla relationship as having much in common with D/s, unless it's D/s done wrong.

I'm thinking that the problems you're having now are not from being submissive per se, but from having limits that are probably undefined, and are ignored in any case.


I guess I am more thinking for future relationships... I agree that D/s and vanilla abuse are two different beasts. hmmm how to put this.... My submissive side really wants to be fulfilled, that lead to accepting a strange dynamic in a non D/s relationship. I agree that undefined limits are part of the current problem.

I am not sure if I will chose to be in another D/s relationship in the future, I would like to to but perhaps it is not a great idea for me. ( I am just tossing things out here, not well thought through) Just wondering do others feel like this is something you can just choose not to be?

 

[Valcorie]

Do you really need to deny that side of yourself? Maybe separating your desire for sexual submission from your everyday life would be more the answer. Do the two have to go together?

good point

 

[ecstaticsub]

I am not sure if I will chose to be in another D/s relationship in the future, I would like to to but perhaps it is not a great idea for me. ( I am just tossing things out here, not well thought through) Just wondering do others feel like this is something you can just choose not to be?

For me, yes I could choose not to be a submissive. The PYL I have now is the one and only I have ever had. If something should ever cause our relationship to come to an end I would not seek another. Or at least I say so now. But I really don't think I would.

 

[SubKekiLee]

So I have been doing a lot of thinking about submission, personalities, and relationships lately. I have been examining myself and why i like submission and trying to figure out if it is 'healthy.'

So here are a few questions for all of you....

Have you always felt like you have had a submissive side, or do you think that it was a learned behavior (experienced abuse or something)
I think I was always a little submissive, I had controlling parents but I remember getting in trouble because I would try to do to much for my siblings. I just thing I was always that way. Although now I am am in a vanilla relationship that is verbally/emotionally abusive and I guess that shaped things too

Do you feel that you choose and force yourself to submit or is it an overwhelming urge to submit?
I guess a good example is when I have upset my former master. I felt my heart race, my stomach churn, and an overpowering urge to make it better. I don't choose to submit to just anyone, but there are some people I feel a distinct undeniable pull to submit to.

What do you think about your own submission? Is it a 'healthy' behavior? Is it something you could ever overcome or would you even want to?
I feel it is such a part of my nature I don't know if I can ever get rid of it, maybe deny it shove it in a bottle somewhere. lol.


I guess what I am really questioning is, I delight in submission (especially with sex), but I can see how that side of me has come back to bit me in my current relationship. Perhaps I should deny try to stifle that part of myself so I don't end up in the same boat again.

B]Do you feel that you choose and force yourself to submit or is it an overwhelming urge to submit? [/B]I have never forced myself to submit, I can remember back to the longest time I was always looking for the "atta girl to make people smile as far back as I can remember in fact I think Ive given up being submissive for certain people in my life and it sucked I buried that part of myself and ended up sad and unfufilled so it has always for me been an overwhelming urge to submit but only for certain people.


Have you always felt like you have had a submissive side, or do you think that it was a learned behavior (experienced abuse or something)
I have always been submissive and Ive liked to see people who smile and they are smiling cause of me, I know it isnt from my history at all.. and it was a learned thing cause I didnt know there was a side to submissive but I have learned that there is a thin line between pleasure and pain..

What do you think about your own submission? Is it a 'healthy' behavior? Is it something you could ever overcome or would you even want to?
I think I am good submissive... I try to keep him pleased at all times I belive I am very healthy in my behavior if we lived in a 24/7 It would be our little secret but it would be healthy for all.. I have burried myself before I plan to never bury myself again..

 

[EmpressFi]

For me, yes I could choose not to be a submissive. The PYL I have now is the one and only I have ever had. If something should ever cause our relationship to come to an end I would not seek another. Or at least I say so now. But I really don't think I would.

ditto

 

[Valcorie]

I have always been submissive and Ive liked to see people who smile and they are smiling cause of me, I know it isnt from my history at all.. and it was a learned thing cause I didnt know there was a side to submissive but I have learned that there is a thin line between pleasure and pain.. [/I]

I think I am good submissive... I try to keep him pleased at all times I belive I am very healthy in my behavior if we lived in a 24/7 It would be our little secret but it would be healthy for all.. I have burried myself before I plan to never bury myself again..
[/I]

I really enjoyed your answer... I have noticed reading though out the last few years that a fair number of people who are submissive have had some life experience like childhood abuse. I was wondering who may have come to submission in other ways. i can understand your point about not burying that part of you again.. Thank you very much for your post.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Have you always felt like you have had a submissive side, or do you think that it was a learned behavior

Both. i think i always had it but i can't know for sure because the mormons started working on me so early to make sure i learned how to have one.

Do you feel that you choose and force yourself to submit or is it an overwhelming urge to submit?

Its overwhelming most of the time. The underlying current to do it is OVERWHELMING but there are times when i think too much and i have to force myself. i have submit and been hurt under both circumstances. i do not believe one better than another.

What do you think about your own submission? Is it a 'healthy' behavior? Is it something you could ever overcome or would you even want to?

i have overcome it in the past and gained a measure of stability but not happiness. submission is only healthy with a good Dominant, with a bad one it is as bad as they are. That is the nature of it. submission is throwing your lot in with someone else and saying i will be as happy as you allow or you help me to be. Sometimes it is great and sometimes it isn't.

I guess what I am really questioning is, I delight in submission

i hope to delight in my submission again. For now i am content to submit because it is what i do and because i have a Daddy i feel is healing me despite my best efforts to evade it.

 

[kinkyknickers]

Well, speaking of submission, I've just been talking to the_mgp about submission.
I've got a fairly dominant nature, so it seemed only fitting that I should dominate my girlfriend, she asked me to, so I gave it a go, I mean why not? I've dominated men before, so it should be sweet.... right?


Wrong!


What I found is that instead of feeling dominant and all powerful over this lovely specimen, I, instead, discovered that I was feeling RESPONSIBLE. Gah! It brought out the nurturing side of me, which I sauppose is natural as a woman, but a kill joy when you want to have sex. I mean, how do I get intimate with someone I feel so responsible for? (Trust me, I get it, lots of people do it, but I just get the mother hen thing happening).
Anyone I've dominated before has been dominant themselves, so it's been a kind of a power struggle, sparring, if you will. When I have no resistance, I just get confused.
So the upshot of it is, I've renounced the title of Mistress. As nice as it was, it's just not the way I want to go with as person who I consider my equal.
I've still got my kinks, they've just shifted a little.


And, in answer to the submissive thing, I suppose, I've always had questions about it, "why can't you just be an equal?" blah, blah, balh. In the end, you are who you are and if that's the way you choose to live, and it makes you happy, then fuck them all. I don't get it totally, but I don't need to, cos I get my girl and my girl gets me.

 

[the_mgp]

vomit

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Have you always felt like you have had a submissive side, or do you think that it was a learned behavior (experienced abuse or something)

I always had a sub side but I fought it for quite a while. I had a conservative, Christian upbringing and always assumed it to be a throwback to the 'thou shalt' male dominated society of my youth. I've since accepted that, no matter where it might have sprung from, this is me. I will always desire to submit to a man but there doesn't have to be a religious imperative and I can shape my needs, limits and personal identity without reference to anything else.

Do you feel that you choose and force yourself to submit or is it an overwhelming urge to submit?

I have an urge to submit but the fact remains that I chose when, how and who I submitted to. If there hadn't been a suitable suitor for my affection and service, I wouldn't have let my sub urges nudge me into an unsuitable relationship, for want of a better idea or more options. I was always quite clear in my head about what I wanted to gain from a D/s relationship and what I was prepared to give. These boundaries have changed and evolved over time but they stood me in good stead.

What do you think about your own submission? Is it a 'healthy' behavior? Is it something you could ever overcome or would you even want to?

It's healthy. My Master loves me and I love him. We both have a great deal of respect for each other and our bond of trust is a strong one. I'm not so young, naive or blinded by my chosen role that I would agree to do something that was fundamentally wrong or damaging to me, whether in a physical or psychological way. My Master would not ask things of me that would damage me and I sincerely hope that never changes. We are very self aware and take the time to sit and communicate frankly so that there are no crossed wires and so he knows my views before he makes decisions that affect both of us.

My first impression from reading your posts is that you have trust issues going on here. If you were to enter into a new relationship, you might have the desire to submit but it has been abused in the past so you think maybe you should keep this side of you under wraps and by extension, keep yourself safe. I guess this is a coping mechanism of sorts but hopefully you'll be twice shy of handing your love and affection to an unworthy partner. I think that this is quite a negative and defeatist attitude that will self perpetuate if you don't keep a close eye on yourself.

IMO a partner who does not deserve your submission does not deserve any part of you. It should be that simple.

 

[the_mgp]

vomitvomitvomit

 

[sexyskibunnysub]

Have you always felt like you have had a submissive side, or do you think that it was a learned behavior (experienced abuse or something)

I think I always have to some extent. I really have not wanted to consciously be submissive or take it this far until recently. It is something that my boyfriend naturally brings out in me.

Do you feel that you choose and force yourself to submit or is it an overwhelming urge to submit?

I choose to submit because of my desire for it.

What do you think about your own submission? Is it a 'healthy' behavior? Is it something you could ever overcome or would you even want to?

My submission is completely healthy. By being healthy, I am able to be a better sub and partner for my boyfriend. I am not defined by my submission and I could give it up. Maybe I am not what you guys define as a "true sub". All that I know is that I am having fun, this has brought my boyfriend and I closer and it feels very good!

 

[Netzach]

For me, yes I could choose not to be a submissive. The PYL I have now is the one and only I have ever had. If something should ever cause our relationship to come to an end I would not seek another. Or at least I say so now. But I really don't think I would.

I bottomed and played around with this when I got into the scene for about 4 years as experimentation and to see what *I* am capable of for myself. So I switched for knowledge, but my heart wasn't really in it outside the scope of the scene. I'd do a lot in a scene but if my top called me the next morning and ordered me around I'd be like "what?"

I submit to T, because he elicits that earnestly in me. I also could end it by flipping it with a look or a word, because we switch, he's submitted to me and is equally as happy and inclined to, both are satisfying outcomes for us as people. I've never met anyone else who inspires that response in me and I'm not sure I could or would feel a need to, more importantly.

I'm a Dominant person when it comes to this, that's what takes up my airtime and thoughts and fantasies. I don't think that if I were on my own for a year I'd have any submissive fantasies that don't involve T. It's very specific. it's very conscious, and it's very chosen as a gift to him. I would say that in my particular case the "submission is a gift" thing is very applicable. Because it's outside my nature. I have a blank where other women have captivity and ravishment fantasies. I've tried, even to work up good ones and I always wind up torturing my captors. I think that's just how I roll.

 

[Valcorie]

What do you think about your own submission? Is it a 'healthy' behavior? Is it something you could ever overcome or would you even want to? [/B]

Reading my original post again, I should probably mention that wrote this after seeing a councilor for the first time. We vaguely discussed BDSM and it was insinuated that perhaps getting into relationship with unequal power is attractive for a lot of women but perhaps not 'healthy.' It made me starting thinking about the concept in general. But after reading a number of your posts, it is clear that the concept of 'healthy' behavior varies from person to person.

 

[Nymphomaniacal]

Have you always felt like you have had a submissive side, or do you think that it was a learned behavior (experienced abuse or something)

While I have experienced abuse in my life, that wasn't the driving force to my submission. I feel like I have always been a sub, whether it is my shy nature or the way I aim to please, no matter the situation. I have always been the girl that strives to please the man in her life, mostly because when I love someone I will do most anything for them.

Do you feel that you choose and force yourself to submit or is it an overwhelming urge to submit?

Depends on the relationship. I have had men that easily bring out the submissive in me, and others that really don't. It just depends on the person, and how much trust I put in them.

What do you think about your own submission? Is it a 'healthy' behavior? Is it something you could ever overcome or would you even want to?

Honestly, I believe its healthy and really I can turn it on and off. Usually, with a Master, there is some aspect of deep trust and usually for me Love, so I know they will push limits, but never push me so far as to physically damage me in any way. Sometimes, though I just want the slow, sensual sex rather than the D/s sort; But I dont think I would ever want to overcome the submissiveness in me. Its part of me, so getting rid of it would feel like getting rid of part of who I am.

I guess what I am really questioning is, I delight in submission (especially with sex), but I can see how that side of me has come back to bit me in my current relationship. Perhaps I should deny try to stifle that part of myself so I don't end up in the same boat again.

Like I said before, If your submissiveness is part of you, why deny or hide it? However you must do what is best for you, to keep yourself healthy, both mentally and physically.

 

[angel_shy]

I want to be overwhelmed and directed sexually, and perhaps a little in other areas of my private life too, but that's not the sum of who I am. I have a responsible job in which I have to lead and manage others.

I've always fantasized about being sexually dominated, from being a young teen.

But the more responsibility I have at work, the more I feel the need to be cherished and directed at home. I do not feel submission is unhealthy - not now I've done a little reading about the psychology involved in responsible D/s relationships. I feel free to choose to submit... just wish my hubby would Dominate me! Just a little bit...

Angela

 

[Bandit58]

Have you always felt like you have had a submissive side, or do you think that it was a learned behavior (experienced abuse or something)

I've always had a submissive personality. I spent 23 years in a marriage with an emotional and verbal abuser, but I don't think that caused me to become submissive, I already was. The domineering asshat I married simply took advantage of that

Do you feel that you choose and force yourself to submit or is it an overwhelming urge to submit?

I have only ever submitted in a D/s way to my Sir. I do not submit to every Dom Dick and Harry. However it is a part of my personality just like my arm or leg is a part of my body. I wouldn't say it is "overwhelming" as such, but it is part of my life

What do you think about your own submission? Is it a 'healthy' behavior? Is it something you could ever overcome or would you even want to?

At this time, I consider my submission to be the most healthy part of my entire relationship life. I'm finally free to be myself, in a loving, caring relationship/marriage. In the almost 5 years we have been together my self esteem has improved, confidence has grown, I know what it's like to be loved for ME. I'm the happiest and healthiest I've ever been. I don't think I'd ever want to overcome it

 

[ultramarineblue]

Have you always felt like you have had a submissive side, or do you think that it was a learned behavior
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I'm not sure what the answer is for me yet. If it is a learned behavior for me, I learned it at a very early age...like by first grade (and likely way before then).

Do you feel that you choose and force yourself to submit or is it an overwhelming urge to submit?
For me it is an overwhelming urge.

What do you think about your own submission? Is it a 'healthy' behavior? Is it something you could ever overcome or would you even want to?
I'm learning that it is such a part of me that if I were to not be submissive, I wouldn't be me. I've only recently accepted that I am submissive. I fought it for a long time. I thought surely this isn't me, yet I still identified with it. Realizing that I am submissive makes a lot of things about me make sense. I still struggle with it but I know that for the most part, I've been happier with who I am since I have accepted this. I've felt more a part of the world instead of an outsider looking in. I've made a hell of a lot of mistakes with it since I've started accepting it. However, I've lived life more fully and made more choices for myself since starting down this path. I could ramble on more I'm sure. I hope my response makes sense.

As for "overcoming" it, I see nothing to "overcome." Submissiveness is part (and only part) of who I am. Remove it as if it were a cancer, lock it up as if it were something shameful and dirty, and I world would lose part of what makes me, me.

This really spoke to me. Thank you for saying it this way.