"Daddy," I Whispered: A Critique of the self-proclaimed "Lit's #1 Story"

[cloudy]

Aren't you the resourceful little blow-up doll? I couldn't be bothered to search for it, myself.

 

[Guest]

Oh miss cloudy still afraid to admit you're [size=+2]WRONG![/SIZE]

Sad really after all the help the boss tried to give you...

[size=+2]G[/size]

 

[cloudy]

Oh miss cloudy still afraid to admit you're [size=+2]WRONG![/SIZE]

Sad really after all the help the boss tried to give you...

[size=+2]G[/size]

What help could a racist like you ever offer me, hmmm? I'm one of those brown people you're so terrified of, remember?

I'm not wrong, and you're a liar.

 

[glynndah]

Has Palin ever been 1 bombed?

I'm planning on it November 4 and I sincerely hope I'm not the only one.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Am I the only one who thinks this review is wrong and not funny?

No, there is one other person who thinks so. And, of course, his blowup doll.

I made a post on his thread. I tried my best to talk some sense to him. Hopefully, he will mend his evil ways. Hopefully, those who have treated him just as bad as he has treated others will give him a second chance.

Don't count on any of that-- there's no compelling reason for him to change, and no reason for anyone to forgive him. It's not like we need him here in any way.

Well, that was wrong of him to do that. Yet, I've had people here who have written some pretty terrible things about me. I've had personal attacks launched at me. Yeah, what was written hurt and I was angry, but I got over it.

I haven't seen the Scouries that you saw several years ago. ...

I believe that every one deserves a second chance...

He's had second chances. Third and fourth chances. You're beating a dead horse-- hell, you're beating the bleached bones of a dead horse.

Moreover, we all need to come together for the sake of this site. We all need to work at making this a better place. Certainly, I'd rather come here with a smile on my face rather than a dread wondering what some whacko has commented on my story. And it is so much more disturbing when the whacko comment comes from one of your fellow writers followed by a 1 bomb...

Firstly, "for the good of the site" has no meaning here. "for the good of the site" means that laurel and manu want to attract the lowest common denominator via the story section. that's what sells stuff and earns them the money to keep it going. The forums are a nice thing the owners have done, and trust me when i say it puts a helluva load on the servers for no appreciable income.

I do not think KM's review was in any way "wacko." Wacko is when the commenter complains that you gave his dog rabies and he's going to kill your wife, or something like that. She explained her criteria, and she went through and gave her reasoned opinions. She even offered samples of his words to back up her opinions.

This is, freddie, a very professional review. If I thought I could PAY her to review my work, I'd haul out my wallet.

So, Freddie is Palin to Scouries' McCain?

God I hate this election!

Hi, it’s b] color=blue]Gabby[/b][/color]

Scrolling through the boss’s wonderful thread and the “Daddy” I Whispered thread a few minutes ago I found reference to the genesis of the “HATE SCOURIES” movement...

Of course, it's easier to continue to whine about those mean people, than it is to address this review.

"Tonstant weader fwowed up."

 

[DeeZire]

I never understood why so many writers here read his thread? If they don't like the man, ignore him.

The same reason drivers slow down when they pass a car crash - morbid curiosity.

On the review - part of improving as a writer is considering critiques from your peers. If a writer's ego won't allow him to consider those critiques, that's not the critiquer's fault, that's the writer's fault.

When I first started reading the critique, I was afraid it was actually one of Scourie's alts, doing a fake critique that was going to praise his work. Once I got into the review, I was relieved to see it was real. I do think the critiquer added a stylistic flair similar to the way Scouries writes - that dismissive attitude - and I think in the context of what was being critiqued, it was perfectly appropriate.

Really, BFW, you need some perspective on this issue. There's a difference between bashing and critiquing. Perhaps that difference wasn't covered in one of those 32 writing classes you took?

ETA - again, BFW, referring to your 32 writing classes, if you can't see the validity of the critique, I'm afraid those 32 writing classes were just money down a rat hole.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Sometimes, I've posted there because the topic, for that moment, was not scouries but something I was interested in.

Of course he always comes around to get it back on track. I haven't bothered with it in a long, long while.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

The same reason drivers slow down when they pass a car crash - morbid curiosity.

No, there's been more to it than that, at least for some. I think the general view - for those who hang around the thread on a regular basis, anyway - was that the air needed to cleared at the AH, because Scouries' thread was moved here, and he continually keeps it on the front page and spouts his narcissistic lies about fake lists etc. So a continual "This thread is a joke, and here's why" response to his insanity keeps newbies from taking it all seriously.

Can you imagine? Taking him seriously? But it could happen, I suppose, just like someone could listen to War of the Worlds and believe it's real for a minute there...

And then there were others who just liked poking the animal at the zoo.

 

[Guest]

posted by the boss on his thred...

6:08 p.m., Thursday, September 25, 2008
Official ScouriesWorld Press Conference
Miami Beach, Florida

Dear [size=+2]Scourian[/size] READERS!

Welcome. It’s always a sad day when you wake up on a beautiful fall Miami morning to find yourself defamed, slandered and libeled by a once halfway competent woman who unfortunately has slowly slid into the abyss of madness.

Until last week, when she was arrested for indecent exposure outside the front doors of ScouriesWorld , we had believed that this one time stalker of yours truly was still incarcerated in the Michigan Home for Crazed Lesbians.

It was only when she was interrogated last week that we discovered she’d escaped under the cover of darkness from that institution with the help of her friends Dixie C Lee and lightstick, both known idiots.

I’ve written the following addressed to miss muffin but in reality it is addressed to the only person who really counts, and the one so often forgotten in these forums – I know him or her simply as the “READER”.

He or she is who I write for!

Dear miss bran muffin,

First I’d just like to say that it’s always a pleasure to hear from a fellow 1000+ VOTE CLUB member, especially one of our female ones. Notwithstanding the cockeyed ideas she spouts nor her apparent lunacy!

I’d actually been expecting to hear from you before now ma’am. For those of you who don’t know the history miss muffin has been carrying a grudge against LITEROTICA’S #1 author for some time now. Its dates back to my exposing her as a member of the dreaded Twelve Wise Ones and her plot to overthrow the QUEEN.

As to your review ma’am I would like to highlight a few little points:

One, as you clearly indicate with your line, “I am due a measure of satisfaction since pistols at dawn cannot happen on the Internet”, you didn’t enter into your role as critic/reviewer with an open or fair mind. You decided to write a hatchet job and it shows. Unfortunately when this happens even the valid points a reviewer makes are lost in the obvious hate and anger you do little to hide. Your own words invalidate all that follows. Which is too bad.

miss Appleby sums up your real agenda quite nicely when she writes: Um, I don't want to seem churlish, but I'll have to take others' word for whether this is good or not, because life is too short for me to read a 3,400 word review. That's about one-third the length of a story - isn't their some standard that declares reviews should be concise? (Granted, the purpose here isn't really a simple story review, so I'll leave my carping at that.)

Two, claiming that being “one fell semester short of a bachelor’s degree in English…” somehow validates your opinions is perhaps the most humorous line in your piece. Gawd lady I’ve slept with more spaced out English Lit majors who didn’t know their ass from their elbow than you’ve read books.

Three, I’m curious if you had any help in writing this crap. I sense the hand of your pals Dixie Cunt Lee and mr lightstick behind your words. I also see the touch of the Twelve Wise Ones, that coven of evil that lies at the diseased heart of LITEROTICA.

That said, let me address the biggest lack in this pseudo review –

[size=+3]THE READER![/size]​

Yes that person who clicks open LITEROTICA by the hundreds of thousands every day. None of them looking for exactly the same thing. They try different categories and different authors. They randomly click open stories until they find something that catches their fancy. And when they do they read it. Sometimes they read a page and click away. Some read the whole thing.

As authors here at LIT we’re never 100% sure how we’ve done. We look at the total number of views and compare it to other works we’ve written. We look at the rating, praying for the big red [size=+2]H[/size].

We look at the number of votes our story has received and often we ask ourselves why, if 10,000 people viewed the story, do I have only 27 votes? Duh! Of course we know why – only 27 out of 10,000 got to the end and were moved enough to vote.

We look at the number of comments left and wonder why only 3 comments were left and only 2 people took the time to e-mail us. But we love those readers who tell us they loved the story even as we lament the low totals.

I’m not sure how many words you’ve written in your pseudo review, but I do know you’ve forgotten this most important person. THE READER! Let me say it again: THE READER!

And guess what ma’am, the [size=+2]READERS[/size] for some reason like

[size=+3]

”Daddy”, I Whispered

​

[/size]

Maybe they shouldn’t! Maybe if they were almost B.A’s in English Lit they wouldn’t. Maybe if they were as smart as you they wouldn’t. But they do! The LITEROTICA reading public loved the story and continues to come back for more.

You and your fellow travelers can deny it. But every number, every comment simply reinforces it.

[SIZE=+2]1,000,000+ VIEWS

13,492 VOTES[/size]
(as of today and more than any other story of the some 360,000 stories that have come out on LIT)

[SIZE=+2]417 COMMENTS[/size]
(again more than any other LIT story)

[SIZE=+2]1200+ E-MAILS[/size]​

Do these numbers allow me to claim #1 status? Of course they do! Others may disagree with my assessment but it’s impossible not to concede this brilliantly crafted story is one of the very best in the minds of our READERS.

Dear lady, one thing your profs should have taught you by now is that a story is more than the sum of it’s parts. A great story leaps off the page and buries itself in the hearts and brains and yes, even cocks and cunts of our readers.

It transcends style, and spelling and grammar, ellipses and paragraphs, as the reader enters this magical world you’ve created for him.

You ma’am are like an art critic who goes to the Louvre and stands in front of the Mona Lisa and then complains to the rapt group of clearly enthused viewers, “Look, Leonardo missed a spot here in the corner.”

You miss muffin clearly can’t see the forest for the trees. Lets all hope that before you graduate you learn to bridge the gap between author and reader.

Let’s hope you learn to separate the “work” from your opinion of he who produced it. It just takes a little maturing.

james r scouries

p.s. when I have time, when my busy best seller writing schedule allows it, i’ll read your silly little review ma’am. one never knows when ones going to find a nugget of gold, even if you have to wander into a pig sty and wallow through the mud to find it. i’ve learned that its important for we literary giants to seek everywhere for feedback if we are to continually improve and produce more exceptional best sellers.

Hey, that’s why I’m in AHland. the good queen told me when she moved me here from SF, “Listen scouries, I’m moving you there for your own good. they talk so much that eventually one of them may say something smart.”

i’m still waiting… but you never know… anythings possible

p.s.s. and hey mss muffin maybe we can discuss some of these issues in greater detail when you’re down here in Miami for the next 1000+ VOTE LIST authors convention and semi-annual meeting. I’m always glad to help our up and coming students. If your out of jail by then you’ll be welcomed.

how old are you anyway?

[size=+2]G[/size]

 

[Selena_Kitt]

6:08 p.m., Thursday, September 25, 2008
Official ScouriesWorld Press Conference
Miami Beach, Florida

Dear [size=+2]Scourian[/size] READERS!

Welcome. It’s always a sad day when you wake up on a beautiful fall Miami morning to find yourself defamed, slandered and libeled by a once halfway competent woman who unfortunately has slowly slid into the abyss of madness.

Until last week, when she was arrested for indecent exposure outside the front doors of ScouriesWorld , we had believed that this one time stalker of yours truly was still incarcerated in the Michigan Home for Crazed Lesbians.

It was only when she was interrogated last week that we discovered she’d escaped under the cover of darkness from that institution with the help of her friends Dixie C Lee and lightstick, both known idiots.

I’ve written the following addressed to miss muffin but in reality it is addressed to the only person who really counts, and the one so often forgotten in these forums – I know him or her simply as the “READER”.

He or she is who I write for!

Dear miss bran muffin,

First I’d just like to say that it’s always a pleasure to hear from a fellow 1000+ VOTE CLUB member, especially one of our female ones. Notwithstanding the cockeyed ideas she spouts nor her apparent lunacy!

I’d actually been expecting to hear from you before now ma’am. For those of you who don’t know the history miss muffin has been carrying a grudge against LITEROTICA’S #1 author for some time now. Its dates back to my exposing her as a member of the dreaded Twelve Wise Ones and her plot to overthrow the QUEEN.

As to your review ma’am I would like to highlight a few little points:

One, as you clearly indicate with your line, “I am due a measure of satisfaction since pistols at dawn cannot happen on the Internet”, you didn’t enter into your role as critic/reviewer with an open or fair mind. You decided to write a hatchet job and it shows. Unfortunately when this happens even the valid points a reviewer makes are lost in the obvious hate and anger you do little to hide. Your own words invalidate all that follows. Which is too bad.

miss Appleby sums up your real agenda quite nicely when she writes: Um, I don't want to seem churlish, but I'll have to take others' word for whether this is good or not, because life is too short for me to read a 3,400 word review. That's about one-third the length of a story - isn't their some standard that declares reviews should be concise? (Granted, the purpose here isn't really a simple story review, so I'll leave my carping at that.)

Two, claiming that being “one fell semester short of a bachelor’s degree in English…” somehow validates your opinions is perhaps the most humorous line in your piece. Gawd lady I’ve slept with more spaced out English Lit majors who didn’t know their ass from their elbow than you’ve read books.

Three, I’m curious if you had any help in writing this crap. I sense the hand of your pals Dixie Cunt Lee and mr lightstick behind your words. I also see the touch of the Twelve Wise Ones, that coven of evil that lies at the diseased heart of LITEROTICA.

That said, let me address the biggest lack in this pseudo review –

[size=+3]THE READER![/size]​

Yes that person who clicks open LITEROTICA by the hundreds of thousands every day. None of them looking for exactly the same thing. They try different categories and different authors. They randomly click open stories until they find something that catches their fancy. And when they do they read it. Sometimes they read a page and click away. Some read the whole thing.

As authors here at LIT we’re never 100% sure how we’ve done. We look at the total number of views and compare it to other works we’ve written. We look at the rating, praying for the big red [size=+2]H[/size].

We look at the number of votes our story has received and often we ask ourselves why, if 10,000 people viewed the story, do I have only 27 votes? Duh! Of course we know why – only 27 out of 10,000 got to the end and were moved enough to vote.

We look at the number of comments left and wonder why only 3 comments were left and only 2 people took the time to e-mail us. But we love those readers who tell us they loved the story even as we lament the low totals.

I’m not sure how many words you’ve written in your pseudo review, but I do know you’ve forgotten this most important person. THE READER! Let me say it again: THE READER!

And guess what ma’am, the [size=+2]READERS[/size] for some reason like

[size=+3]

”Daddy”, I Whispered

​

[/size]

Maybe they shouldn’t! Maybe if they were almost B.A’s in English Lit they wouldn’t. Maybe if they were as smart as you they wouldn’t. But they do! The LITEROTICA reading public loved the story and continues to come back for more.

You and your fellow travelers can deny it. But every number, every comment simply reinforces it.

[SIZE=+2]1,000,000+ VIEWS

13,492 VOTES[/size]
(as of today and more than any other story of the some 360,000 stories that have come out on LIT)

[SIZE=+2]417 COMMENTS[/size]
(again more than any other LIT story)

[SIZE=+2]1200+ E-MAILS[/size]​

Do these numbers allow me to claim #1 status? Of course they do! Others may disagree with my assessment but it’s impossible not to concede this brilliantly crafted story is one of the very best in the minds of our READERS.

Dear lady, one thing your profs should have taught you by now is that a story is more than the sum of it’s parts. A great story leaps off the page and buries itself in the hearts and brains and yes, even cocks and cunts of our readers.

It transcends style, and spelling and grammar, ellipses and paragraphs, as the reader enters this magical world you’ve created for him.

You ma’am are like an art critic who goes to the Louvre and stands in front of the Mona Lisa and then complains to the rapt group of clearly enthused viewers, “Look, Leonardo missed a spot here in the corner.”

You miss muffin clearly can’t see the forest for the trees. Lets all hope that before you graduate you learn to bridge the gap between author and reader.

Let’s hope you learn to separate the “work” from your opinion of he who produced it. It just takes a little maturing.

james r scouries

p.s. when I have time, when my busy best seller writing schedule allows it, i’ll read your silly little review ma’am. one never knows when ones going to find a nugget of gold, even if you have to wander into a pig sty and wallow through the mud to find it. i’ve learned that its important for we literary giants to seek everywhere for feedback if we are to continually improve and produce more exceptional best sellers.

Hey, that’s why I’m in AHland. the good queen told me when she moved me here from SF, “Listen scouries, I’m moving you there for your own good. they talk so much that eventually one of them may say something smart.”

i’m still waiting… but you never know… anythings possible

p.s.s. and hey mss muffin maybe we can discuss some of these issues in greater detail when you’re down here in Miami for the next 1000+ VOTE LIST authors convention and semi-annual meeting. I’m always glad to help our up and coming students. If your out of jail by then you’ll be welcomed.

how old are you anyway?

[size=+2]G[/size]

I'm so very glad you don't spend more time writing fiction, and instead spend time crafting posts like this. So very, very glad.

 

[Safe_Bet]

I'm so very glad you don't spend more time writing fiction, and instead spend time crafting posts like this. So very, very glad.

That posting seemed like fiction to me!

 

[michchick98]

For those of you who never saw the thread the link is below. To characterize Mr. Scouries reviews as “trashing every single one of them along with their authors” is simply the sort of misrepresentations we’ve all come to accept from cloudy and danikat. I dare you to read the reviews and decide for yourself. All by yourselves…without being told what to think…

Yeah, I have a lot of time on my hands today since I'm on vacation, so I did check into that thread and others posted, scouries. Interesting reading really. You failed to mention all the stories you did trash. Here's a list, just so you don't have to go look for them, sunshine.

Those links include abusive posts toward other members of Literotica, not just your reviews. Interesting reading. Think anyone will be so quick to defend you after reading some of these?

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=17950987&postcount=12

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=17950942&postcount=10

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=17950886&postcount=5

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=26838102&postcount=1

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=26351685&postcount=1

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=17960864&postcount=93

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=17960816&postcount=89

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=18025789&postcount=159

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=18025776&postcount=158

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=18013599&postcount=149

and one of particular interest considering who the author of the reviewed story is:

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=18025832&postcount=161


Yeah, it just cemented what most of us already knew about you, scouries.

At the end of the contest the boss selected his own winners. Here they are as reported so long ago. It would be hard to describe the following as “trashing every single one of them along with the authors” wouldn’t it. And surprise, surprise, the boss gave danikat an honorable mention. Boy, was he mean!

So, did any of his selected winners receive any compensation? Wait, you can't compensate people with Monopoly money, most people already have their own.

Gabrielle L., blow-up doll, fuck-toy, flotation device.

The truth shall set you free.

 

[TE999]

An impressive, well written and inciscive review, KM.

If this story is 1/4th as bad as you describe it, no way it could be #1 on even a bootleg site. It sounds like it was written by a junior in High School.

I'm not as familiar with your work as the others here, but I intend to rectify that in the near future.

 

[NoJo]

As a person one fell semester short of a bachelor's degree in English, Creative Writing, and an author who has won awards for original fiction and poetry outside of Literotica as well as within, I feel that I am as qualified as the next reader to bandy about big words such as "character development" and "misuse of apostrophe." As someone who has been repeatedly, aaaah, dragged into little self-serving faux press-releases after a request that this behavior cease, I feel that I am due a measure of satisfaction since pistols at dawn cannot happen on the Internet.

I have a long and storied history of critique at Literotica. The story feedback forum is where I shed my dew claws. I owe Literotica and the many writers that offered their stories to me my maturity as an author. Thank you, scouries, for this unknowing opportunity to further my growth as writer. I appreciate your selflessness.

The story I have chosen from scourie's library is the one frequently noted in those infomercial quality press releases as "the #1 Story in Literotica's History," [url='http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=242587"]"Daddy," I Whispered[/url]

Note, for those eagerly anticipating the story, this is a full critique and as such, contains spoilers.

The story begins with the usual consensual father-daughter incest cliche: wanton daughter is overcome by her lust for her father's manly form. The characters are rather typical. They're gorgeous, white Anglo-Saxon protestant, Ivy-League educated, and doctors of independently wealthy means. Despite the fact that the story begins with graphic sexual descriptions, there is a detailed plot that is developed. It's not a wham-bam stroke story. A reader finds dialogue and narrative that builds expectations for depth of both character and plot. There is nothing wrong with a well-crafted stroke story. These kinds of stories are difficult to write well, actually. However, scouries chooses to write a developed story, so this critique will abandon what's acceptable in stroke story tropes and concentrate on developed stories. Cliched tropes are acceptable, even preferred in stroke stories. It allows the reader to quickly visualize a scene without a lot of expository interaction with the narrative. The same is not true with developed stories.

Before getting into the nit-picky details, I like to get a feel for plot and then character. The story is three Lit pages long, so somewhere on the first page should be the introduction to the main conflict in the story. I considered this line to be the main conflict: Since that first night I'd often seen Daddy come, and increasingly had had to fight myself from straddling Daddy and taking him inside me as he slept. This bit tells you the end of the story: But I knew that I had to be patient only a little while longer, that we'd be in Europe soon, knew that for ten weeks we'd be together and that inevitably we'd make love. Two questions arise. Who is the antagonist? Herself or Daddy? Is this a seduce Daddy story, or is this a fight her desires story? On the surface it's a seduce Daddy story. He's vaguely resistent to the idea throughout the whole deal and she does have to pressure him into it through use of her wiles and various forms of nonconsent/reluctance and trickery. The narrative is a simple description of how she seduces Daddy. The conflict is the minimal resistance Daddy puts up. Is that the primary conflict of the protagonist? Pretty much. Classic Daughter v. Daddy incest seduction trope.

Skimming the rest of the story bore this decision out. Despite a brief and unnecessary side trip via a convenient nightmare to some sort of racist nonconsensual rescue fantasy conflict, the main character's only conflict was fighting her urge to screw her father while in America. The resolution to the conflict came quickly. The went to Paris, where she had conveniently registered them as newlyweds. Even more conveniently, prior to leaving for Paris, the daughter had discovered her father was reading psychology texts about father-daughter incest. The night they checked into the hotel, they fuck like minks. They enjoy Europe as husband and wife, have a few kids, and live happily ever after.

It's a stroke-story trope wrapped with a few additional scenes added on. Is there anything wrong with that?

First, let's check in with sub-conflicts and other tensions. There's a minor scene on page one that drives the daughter to her father's bed, the aforementioned racist nightmare. The allows the author to feature a trembling, pouty fragile and delicate female wrapped in the strong and powerful arms of her rescuer, both of them arranged gorgeously naked upon his bed. Pure romance novel cover fluff. The question of every word in every story must be asked, does this further the plot? The answer in this scene is no. This speaks instead of character development, but more on that later. The getting into his bed part, sure that can be plot development. There has to be a clear line drawn between her desires for her father and his reading of psychology books on incest. What happens after the nightmare does so. She wallows around in the bed spouting the, again, consensual incest parent-child cliches. You're so hot. All my friends think you're hot when they saw you in your bikini/speedo. You're only 36-38 (isn't it great that all highly successful, gorgeous, incest story single parents had kids at 14, 15, or 16?). While she's saying all of these cliches, she's doing the innocent, yet wanton daughter posedown. Cue the next plot point: daddy's library of psychology texts. It works. It's not original, but it works.

Next sub-conflict, Daddy's resistance to daughter's seduction routine. It's traditional in incest. The incestuous seducee must say "We can't, it's wrong!" at some point before caving in and having the hottest sex ever because the seducer and/or situation is just so hot. It's the failing of the category, really. The conflict is on the silver platter for you. The lines are pre-written for you. It's almost sacrilege not to use them. Of course, that means that it's the same ol' same ol'. It's all been done.

So, final verdict, is there anything wrong with the stroke-story trope in a developed story? Actually, no. Is there anything wrong with it in this story? Actually, yes. The problem is that I can point it out so easily. I can slick through the story in about five minutes, cut and paste examples in ten and be finished with a what's wrong with this plot synopsis. Why? The plot's one-dimensional. There's one conflict. The protagonist resolves each plot point/problem that comes her way within a few sentences. The other character once he fully realizes the conflict, resolves it in two paragraphs, give or take. "No it's wrong! Suck my cock, sweetie! Let's get married!" Whoo. I'm underwhelmed as a reader. The plot has no depth to it. The nightmare sequence attempts to add depth to the plot, but it doesn't accomplish that because it's not a part of the plot. So what we've got is a stroke story with a bunch of people running around with clothes on in attempt to make the porn more than just fucking. The only way to do that with such a cliched stroke trope is character development.

Let's look in on character development. First, the protagonist, Steff. I don't like her. She's a whiny racist bitch. Why do I not like her? I could have liked her. She started out like most strangers do in the beginning. I didn't know her and I was willing to give her then benefit of the doubt. Then she went sniveling to "Daddy" with:

...and then one of the other ones put his finger in my rear, into my ... oh, anus,... you know, my bum Daddy...then he put his penis, his big Arab penis....they weren't circumcised Daddy... it was awful, filthy..."

[. . .] <-- KM's personal use of ellipses marks for the correct reason

"What about next year Daddy? When I'm away at school... all alone... there are so many foreigners in Boston Daddy. They hate us Daddy. They hate us because we're blond and good looking and healthy and smart and happy and Americans and Christians..."

"I'll always protect you sweetie," Daddy promised again as he kissed the tears from my cheeks.

To be honest, I can't tell who I'm more disgusted with at this moment, scouries or Steffie. The nightmare is the most horribly contrived plot device to move one character into another character's bed. It's just such a pathetic display of weak authorship that I want to bang my head on my desk to knock it loose. To make matters even worse, scouries attempts to capitalize on racial stereotypes to parlay emotion into the scene without exerting effort. "his big Arab penis" is supposed to do what, evoke images of 9/11, terrorism, and Osama Bin Laden in a tutu to heighten the emotions in the reader? It doesn't work that way. In fact, there's a word for the way it doesn't work: tacky. You can use cheap, too. Contrasting the golden girl of American perfection against this horrible foreign racists in some vague nightmare she's supposed to have had isn't evocative in the way it's used. Instead, the reader is distanced from the scene and given a picture of the female character that's a lot less sympathetic and disturbingly out of character from the rest of the story. We're reading a romance between a father and daughter and this is the best you can do? He rescues the beautiful princess from her nightmare of her own bigotry? Very romantic. And the rescue-from-rape trope is overdone, too, particularly as played out by swarthy skinned persons from the lower-classes with knights in shiny armor from the blonde upper classes.

As we move on, she giggles. She's interested in "boys." One of them is named Billy. She refers to herself as a "little girl." I'm sensing a theme. Is Daddy's little Princess planning on attending Hannah Montana concerts and playing with Barbies right before she attends Harvard Medical School? This is another incest cliche. "Daddy's Little Girl." The definition of cliche is something that has been so used as to become meaningless. In fiction, that means that when a character is presented with a certain number of running cliches, the character loses depth. She becomes flat and meaningless. Steffie is a cardboard cut-out that can be replaced by nearly any daughter-character from any father-daughter incest stroke story without alteration. This cliche is further worsened by the plot-trope that's almost unconflicted.

Small sample of the daughter cliche from the bottom half of page 1:

• his little girl's now ripe body
• I wish I could find a boyfriend as handsome and nice as you, someone big and strong to protect me, the boys at school aren't anything like you
• Your thing Daddy.... Your penis, it stretched your suit so much Daddy
• I didn't want the boys my age who in increasing numbers were flocking around me
• Daddy made me feel like a girl who had been transformed into a Princess, His Princess

As the tale goes on, daughter doesn't gain any depth of character as one might hope. This is the fault of the plot. There are no opportunities for her to grow in the face of adversity. She resolves her conflict right off the bat and there you have it. Stagnation. All that's left is for her to be dewy-eyed and fetching while she seduces Daddy.

Daddy's character isn't any better. He does have more depth than the daughter, but only because he has moment of conflict popping up throughout the entire story. He's in bed with a naked daughter and he knows he isn't supposed to be, but he manages to extricate himself manfully. Of course, the descriptions of his body parts are Harlequinesque and therefore completely ridiculous (as in worthy of ridicule). The problem with Daddy's character is that for every problem he gives in really easily. He's conflicted for a few moments, reader time, then, oh, okay, whatever you say, Princess. Let's fuck. It's an issue for the trope's lack of depth as Daddy is supposed to be the antagonist and he's generally acting like he's just the dildo. We're given a laundry list of things that the daughter does to loosen Daddy up to the idea of incest, so it's not that hard to believe he'd cave so fast. We're given enough information at the beginning and throughout the story as far as his charater so that it's not so difficult to buy into Daddy throwing social mores to the winds and boffy his baby girl, especially in Europe where everyone is thinking she's his missus. And, just to add icing on the cake, they even get married and have babies. Yay. The problem we do get is that the lack of a role in the plot other than dildo really doesn't let Daddy's depth clear up the problems that crop up in the story.

A good plot point works like this: Problem/tension introduction, then tension rises between characters, then resolution of the problem/tension. I have to admit, I've rarely seen a seduction scene plateau tension. Congratulations on doing so regularly. It's like Favre's record for interceptions.

Impossibilities. You can't do that in fiction because of the suspension of disbelief factor. I will suspend my disbelief so far, and then I will roll my eye and call you a fucking moron, back click, and never read your crap again because you obviously don't know what you're talking about. When a reader reads fiction, that reader knows it's fiction and enters a story not believing it. That's called disbelief. In order to get to know the characters, to enjoy the characters, and to be a part of the story, that disbelief must be suspended. In order for that disbelief to be suspended, the author must convince the reader that the author is not lying to him or her by not lying to him or her. That means that a few things must happen. The big thing is that the story must be true to itself. Whatever the author establishes as true for the universe must remain true. Bram Stoker's Dracula was unable to walk in the sun. If he was suddenly able to get a tan and go surfing, he would lose the reader. The next big thing is that the author must have his/her facts straight. If some really exists, and it's in the story, then you'd better be right about it.

To wit:

A celebration of my being accepted that week into the September 1994 Freshman Class of Harvard Medical School 18 year olds are not accepted into the Freshman Class of Harvard Medical School. They must first graduate from a pre-med program, which consists of a 4-year degree in a biological science of some sort. After that, then they can be accepted into the Harvard Medical Program. It's not called the Freshman Class, either. It was called First Year. Google is your friend.

That's one. I'm not going to mine for more.

Moving along to paragraph level. The writing is romantic and fanciful. Dreamt? Leant? His crimson cock? "My" ruby nipples? Just oh my god. Have you been mainlining early Mills and Boon? Can the prose get more purple? You're not writing epic chivalric poetry. Gawain is not going to burst through the doors to claim his one true love. These are ostensibly late 20th century Americans. An American, no matter how upper crust, does not refer to her anus as her "bum." It's a butt. An ass. A rump. A rear. A bum, in America, is a person living on the streets begging for booze money. I found the narrator to be unreliable. She was supposed to be an 18 year old American during the year 1994, if upper crust. She sounded like a 50 year old British person pretending to be American from the early 20th century. Contrasting her bad Harlequin narrative with his occasional expletives was wince-worthy.

To get to the sentence level, you sentences are obese. A typical example: As Daddy walked up behind me and watched me bemusedly in the mirror, I suddenly slipped the spaghetti thin straps off my shoulders and let my top drop to my waist, baring my firm, full orbs to his startled eyes. Most, if not all, description is confined to adjectives, adverbs, and gerunds. This is a long sentence not because it's complex, but because it's bloated with adjectives and adverbs. Ignoring ridiculous euphamisms, such as "orbs" for breasts, most of the description in the story is like this. Breasts are full and firm. The word breast is replaced with some synonym. Cock is subjected to the same treatment. So is vagina. It's ineffective and annoying after a while. It shows, quite frankly, a lack of skills and an over dependence on a thesaurus. The simple fact is that description is expository. Once you describe appearance, you're repeating yourself when you keep doing it. I got pretty bored reading her "firm breasts" and her "full breasts" and her "firm, full breasts" and her "young, firm, full breasts" over and over again. Sensory images are important. Details are important. What's happening is important. What's most important, particularly when sex is involved isn't that her breasts are "firm, full orbs," but how he's relating to them. That's why the seduction scene's plateau in tension, by the way. They're explained, not shown. It's not about appearance, it's about action and reaction. Men are visually stimulated, so how is he visually stimulated? Other than his "angry cock" or sleeping giant awakens (I think that's how it was put).

Grammatically. Your diction and syntax are stupid. See above re: 50 year old Brit person. The grammar should fit the character, not grammar rules. It should also be legible. Case in point, paragraph 1, the run-on sentence:

"Oh Daddy, your words, they're so beautiful, thank you," I whispered, and then added, "You're the only man I'll ever love," while pressing myself urgently into him as my lips hungrily sought his, wanting him now to recognize the new me, wanting him to feel as I, wanting him to grasp that we were destined to be joined in every way.

On an aside, someone with the emotional maturity of a 13-year old had to have written this. It's that breathless, gasping, boy band infatuation love thing.

Anyway. The period is your friend. Use it. Commas, gawd. Just, gawd. Here's the same paragraph, de-run-on-ized:

"Oh, Daddy. Your words, they're so beautiful. Thank you," I whispered, and then added, "You're the only man I'll ever love." I pressed myself urgently into him as my lips hungrily sought his, wanting him now to recognize the new me, wanting hi---I just can't write this rest, it's too icky.

Punctuation, specifically the ellipses marks. The three "periods" in a row. They have a space between each mark. They are called ellipses marks because they make the sentences they are in elliptical, meaning something has been left out. Here are examples of proper use:

In the middle of a sentence: "I am running. . . for office."
At the end of a sentence with a period: "I am running. . . ."
At the end of a sentence with other punctuation: "I am running. . . !"

And finally, on to pronunciation, with an example:
"OH DADDDDY," I groaned or maybe screamed as I felt his big penis jerk inside of me, followed by a liquid explosion, then again, and again, each ejaculation met by a pulsing opening in my depths, an acceptance of his seed.

Pretty, isn't it? So how is it pronounced?

"Oh, Da-duh-duh-duh-duh-ee," I stuttered (because you can't groan out or scream out a series of hard consonants).

Another note on capitalization. Writers do not use moronic email capitalization techniques to indication yelling because, guess what, that's the job of the prose, not the punctuation. Punctuation and capitalization are signposts to allow the reader to navigate things like where to start a sentence, where to pause, where to stop the sentence, and which parts are landmarks. They are not there to make meanings. That's what words are for.


Here ends the critique. Disagreement and debate are more than welcome. I don't consider myself the authority on reading, simply an authority. There are many others who frequent these boards that have as much authority on the subject as I do.

You don't actually expect me to read all that

 

[Safe_Bet]

You don't actually expect me to read all that

CliffsNotes version: It's not very good.

 

[cloudy]

CliffsNotes version: It's not very good.

This works for me: "Your diction and syntax are stupid."

 

[jomar]

Alright everybody. The shows over. Let's move it along, now. Take it back inside that other thread, you're blocking the street.

 

[michchick98]

I’d actually been expecting to hear from you before now ma’am. For those of you who don’t know the history miss muffin has been carrying a grudge against LITEROTICA’S #1 author for some time now. Its dates back to my exposing her as a member of the dreaded Twelve Wise Ones and her plot to overthrow the QUEEN.

I don't see where you're Literotica's #1 author:

From the official Literotica Top lists:

Most Read:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3186/2888920028_b71a0712b3_o.jpg

You didn't even make the top rated list, out of 500 authors, so no screen shots for that one, sorry.

And the Top Rated from the Incest/Taboo category:

Page seven, near the bottom:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3033/2888920032_36bbe936df_o.jpg

The one above isn't even the story you claim is #1 on Lit. Go figure. You can go look for yourself, Scouries. The only lists anyone pays any attention to are the ones Literotica generates. I just condensed screen shots for you to make it easier to find.

Have a nice day.

So, I guess KM has a grudge against these authors:

Texas Refugee - #1 in the Incest/Taboo Category
Dark_And_Red - #1 on the Top Rated List
Emmah - #1 on the Most Read List

Thanks for clearing that up.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You don't actually expect me to read all that

I didn't expect you to quote the whole damn thing, either!

 

[sr71plt]

You don't actually expect me to read all that

I didn't do more than scan part of it either.

Don't think the original is worth that much effort/that many words.

 

[TE999]

The Readers Digest Condensed Story Critique is:

A. Don't touch this story with fire tongs.

B. Reading may be hazardous to your sensibilities.

C. You've been warned.

D. Literary Bad Example No. 1

Choose one...or better still, all.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I didn't do more than scan part of it either.

Don't think the original is worth that much effort/that many words.

That's what made me think of Anthony Lane, who wrote his best reviews when he hated the film or book...

 

[Guest]

you're still afraid to ask the big question...

We still don’t have anyone on this thread willing to address the really big question do we?

The [size=+2] READERS [/size] girls!

Why do they love the story and yet every single AHer hates it.

Who do you think is more in tune with the READING public? Ask yourselves that question the next time you put pen to paper. And if you're able to ever answer that question maybe your stories will start to find an audience.

[size=+2]

1,000,000+ VIEWS

13,492 VOTES

417 COMMENTS

1200+ E-MAILS​

​

[/size]

The LITEROTICA PUBLIC HAS SPOKEN!


miss hick, congrats, you’ve finally come out of the closet and demonstrated a true skill. That post of yours in fact shows a skill in image manipulation that even darkboy can’t equal. We could use you at ScouriesWorld. How do you do that? We have some more scourian numbers we’d love to post. Could you by any chance post the “Favoritest Authors” and “Favoritest Stories” lists.

Gabrielle L.

 

[sr71plt]

We still don’t have anyone on this thread willing to address the really big question do we?

The READERS girls!

Why do they love the story and yet every single AHer hates it.

This has been answered--frequently--before. Scouries is so over-the-top on cheating his score numbers that no one but his Alts (you being one) and Freddie "believe" those are real numbers representing real readers. The answer is that "the READERS" don't love it; Scouries's stroking fingers love it--and that's about it.

 

[Stella_Omega]

]Why do they love the story and yet every single AHer hates it.[/u]

Who do you think is more in tune with the READING public?
blah blah blah...[/b][/color]

Why does it matter to you that the AH hates it? If the READING public is happy, you ought to be happy.

But.. you don't seem happy...