How to fix what's broken inside me....

[tenchikoi]

I was poking around in the HT Cafe and came across a topic about how to teach a child about self worth, esteem, and confidence. Something along those lines. But it got me to thinking. How do you ingrain such things into an adult that never learned these basic early lessons? Of course I'm talking about myself. I'm really worried about myself. My self esteem is non-existent. I've done things to myself, put myself in questionable situations, among other self destructive things. I've grown to feel absolutely worthless as a human being, and I know very well that it stems from my childhood. I was always the fat, quiet girl with glasses standing alone in the corner. Too shy to say a word. It didn't help that I had a father who thought encouraging me to lose weight meant telling me what an ugly, fat cow I was. Then there was the mother that was too busy with working to take much notice of her only daughter. I wasn't taught positive self worth, good self esteem, or strong confidence. I just didn't have the upbringing or the type of parents I needed to help me grow into my full potential. But is it too late? Am I already a lost cause? How can I nurture these things in myself now when all I've had is negative influences?

 

[whywouldi]

You should get away from the negative influences, as you call them, and get help from a psychologist. It will probably take a while to get yourself back on your feet, but you're worth it.

 

[sunandshadow]

I've seen several people who grew up as fat kits become more self approving and empowered by joining a fat acceptance/admiration community such as Dimensions. Certainly talking to a psychologist could be helpful. One thing a psychologist would probably tell you to do is affirmations - that's the kind of think where you tell yourself you're a good person, enumerate your virtues, andd if you catch yourself criticizing yourself, you stop. You could also read a book on personal mythology and find a positive archetype you want to identify with.

 

[Sleazy19]

I don't think it's too late. You need to actually want to change though. I agree with whywouldi, you need professional help and also you need to eliminate all the bad influences in your life (even if that means relatives, it sounds sad but YOU come first!)

Everyone is special...and I'm sure you are too. I'm sure you are a beautiful human being as well as a beautiful woman, no matter what size you are. But it doesn't really matter if everyone tells you that if you don't really believe it.
I really hope things get better. If you ever need to talk to someone, don't hesitate to contact me.

*hugs*

S

 

[fire_breeze]

Oh Hun! {{}}

No, it isn't too late. I know what it's like to have self-esteem issues, and to learn to like yourself is one of the most difficult things ever. But it is one of the best thing that you can do.

I agree with the posters, and suggest to limit the negative influences in your life. Seeing a therapist may help, but so is talking to a friend, or someone else you can connect with. Know that it may take several attempts or persons until you find someone you click with.

Find something to do that you enjoy. Maybe it's ceramics, drawing, writing, origami, whatever. Even if you're not good at it first, by doing something you are passionate about, you naturally will be, and that will help tremendously. You'll then set challenges for yourself, and meeting them will give you sense of accomplishment.

It's sad, but how one perceives oneself has a detrimental effect on one's self esteem. For the longest time I didn't believe I was pretty (despite my parents telling me I was - I counter argued by telling them that logically they were biased, seeing as I was their daughter). I knew I wasn't hideous, but couldn't accept the fact that I was beautiful, and because of that, my self esteem was at an all time low. That is, until someone pointed out to me a truly remarkably beautiful man - unconventionally beautiful, but beautiful nonetheless. I realised that if my definition of beautiful was different, then maybe I am beautiful to someone else. It's still hard for me to hear it, though, but once it sinks in, I accept it.

Here's a simple little trick that can help. It sounds very simple, but it's quite hard, but it can work: Everyday, look in the mirror and say one thing you like about yourself: your eyes, the fact that you can make the local grouch smile, that you have a mean right hook, you know Van Gogh's biography like nobody's business. Repeat in the mirror until you believe it. And treasure that. And when you begin to feel low, repeat what you told yourself that morning. It will make yourself feel better.

One day at a time, and my PM box is open.

 

[Eritz]

To be honest I don't think there is any correct or incorrect way to teach socialisation skills.

I have had self esteem issues forever and I feel proud that I've learned to live with my own personal neurosis. The largest influence I've had in the last many years has been an illegal drug, MDMA, which contrary to what your newspapers tell you invokes upon me a sharp sense of being and allows me to form strong social bonds which persist, regardless of the presence of said drug. It is a catalyst which allows me to function on a plane which most people might consider a normal session of existence.

 

[Fun4UsHere]

But is it too late? Am I already a lost cause?

Perhaps, perhaps not. Do you want to be a lost cause and have an excuse to give up? my wife has self image problems and her seeing herself through my eyes is often nigh impossible but she trys not just because i ask it of her but because she knows she is valuable and important to me and that i love her deeply.

that is the real key; love and faith those can make up for any lack in proper upbringing

 

[Pure]

note to tenchi

i think fire_b is right. you need to start doing something.

as to the feelings, some can't be removed by any therapy (as why suggests), but possibly abated or rendered less self harmful through friends. or a lover--mine does that for me. though those may be in short supply. recognize them.

it sounds odd, but at least for a time, you do well to let their perceptions be reality, and set aside yours. i work hard at that: what she perceives, esp. about me, IS.

sleazy makes a good point, too. eliminate negative people as associates, as much as possible, including family; and by 'negative' i don't simply mean someone who's nasty with you, but also those whose lives are a mess and who say 'life sucks.'

lastly, start doing something--or more-- for others. be it packing food at a food bank, or working as "suicide distress line" or teaching a kid to read. some "jobs" [non paying] are always looking for people and the skills are trained, 'on the job.' it may strike you as odd, but too great self absorption is your enemy.

 

[CWatson]

I don't really have anything helpful to contribute at the moment (or which hasn't already been suggested by other people), but as someone who's been where you are, I just wanted to express support and sympathy for you.

I think that, if you look around, you can find people who will send you messages of affirmation and support--peer groups, as suggested, or organizations for people with social hobbies (singing, theatre, just about anything that needs more than one person to do), or maybe a solid church if that's your thing (and if you're lucky enough to find one that actually lives out Jesus's example of welcome and acceptance; they do exist, but they're rare). Furthermore, I think that, if you look around, you may find some people--maybe not many; God only knows how hard it is to get support no matter who you are in this day and age; but some people--who are already supporting you and accepting you, just as you are, right this very second; people who are what you're looking for, and who were right under your nose the whole time.

Listen to them.

(And hey, if you can't find them anywhere else, find them here. It may sound lame to get your self-esteem boost from the Internet, but it's better than not getting it at all. Besides, I know people whose lives were saved via Internet intervention, who wouldn't be alive today if not for people they'd never met in person. I'm one of them. It's not as good as hugs or a shoulder to lean on, but even the Internet can can transmit love if you try hard enough. )

 

[human_male]

I've struggled with feelings like that too. Not as bad I suspect since I have a good family life, and haven't had the Father of the Year recipient for a dad like you have. But there are times when I've looked at my life, and it's been hard to not see myself as something as a loser. But at the very least, at the absolute very least I do not hurt others. And that puts me head and shoulders above a lot of other people out there. And you can say that too. At the very least, you're a decent, caring person (which I'm betting you are). So you're NOT worthless, because the world needs more people like that, dammit.

I think the others are right that you should talk to someone. Either a professional, or a social group. Also, if you try to be friendly, and more outgoing you'll find it will help you feel better about yourself. It's not easy, believe me. I speak as someone who's trying hard to pull himself out of years of depression and constant negative reinforcement, so I know it's not easy. And it's not too late for you because I'm doing it and I'm THIRTY EIGHT!

I wish you all the best. *hugs*

 

[Harmony_1985]

I was poking around in the HT Cafe and came across a topic about how to teach a child about self worth, esteem, and confidence. Something along those lines. But it got me to thinking. How do you ingrain such things into an adult that never learned these basic early lessons? Of course I'm talking about myself. I'm really worried about myself. My self esteem is non-existent. I've done things to myself, put myself in questionable situations, among other self destructive things. I've grown to feel absolutely worthless as a human being, and I know very well that it stems from my childhood. I was always the fat, quiet girl with glasses standing alone in the corner. Too shy to say a word. It didn't help that I had a father who thought encouraging me to lose weight meant telling me what an ugly, fat cow I was. Then there was the mother that was too busy with working to take much notice of her only daughter. I wasn't taught positive self worth, good self esteem, or strong confidence. I just didn't have the upbringing or the type of parents I needed to help me grow into my full potential. But is it too late? Am I already a lost cause? How can I nurture these things in myself now when all I've had is negative influences?

You are no where near a lost cause honey.

I do was the fat girl with glasses when I was younger, and I was a music nerd on top of it (I was your typical dork lol) but it changed when I grew up.

The one thing that really changed it for me was losing some weight, but I didn't lose weight because someone told me I needed to do it, I lost weight because I wanted to.

Like its been said, the best thing to do is remove the negative influences from your life, as they'll only drag you down, and if you really feel that you need to, speak to a counsellor about how you feel (they're fantastic if you get the right one) because they can help you with confidence in yourself with simple little tasks.

You're a fantastic person, you just need to be shown it, either by someone or an event in your life, but hang in there and it will happen, trust me.

 

[tenchikoi]

I'm glad everyone is being so supportive and positive. I was afraid to say anything on here because I was sure I would get told to stop whining and feeling sorry for myself. At least that's what I would hear IRL. It's hard to get away from negative influences when it's your family and you have to live with them. I can easily distance myself from certain friends if I feel I need to. I guess I need to develop positive thought patterns and maybe try a new hobby to build confidence.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I agree with the poster who suggested therapy. It's a good first step and as an adult, all your core programming is ingrained. Your coping mechanisms and the way you interact socially are instincts learned in childhood that are difficult to assimilate and change. Be aware though, that it can take a few attempts before you find a therapist that you connect with and who you trust to open up to.

I can recommend this book called 'Healing The Shame That Binds You' by John Bradshaw. It is quite in depth and takes a while to digest but the basic philosophy is that people who have severe and debilitating self esteem issues that impact negatively on their lives are carrying a great deal of unnecessary shame. If someone feels unattractive, their appearance causes them shame. If someone is shy and timid, their lack of assertiveness causes them shame. If they are an underachiever and lack ambition, they're ashamed. All this shame mounts up into a huge black cloud and negatively affects how a person approaches everything. Just as some confident and ambitious people (e.g. Simon Cowell) appear to lead charmed lives, so other people fail specifically because they do not believe they are capable of success. The difference isn't even about ambition. Being a shy, timid, cuddly person who is genuinely happy with their life and has no ambition to take over the world is a perfectly fantastic thing to be. It's generally outside influences like relatives and peers who directly or indirectly cause a person to feel that they have somehow failed another's expectations in them or that their life choices make them a less worthy person. It's BS.

This is the start of a long, gradual process for you and it will be easy to become discouraged and think, 'I can't do this, it won't work for me. I can't change after all this time.' This kind of thinking is self sabotage. Take baby steps and be gentle on yourself. Pay attention to progress you make and little victories along the way.

If you still have weight issues, this may be something to address also as losing a few pounds and toning up a little can kickstart a person into a more positive and motivated frame of mind, which is more than half the battle. Don't try to metamorphosise overnight, whether physically or emotionally. I'm sure that you have it within you to be a more confident, calm and happy person.

In the meantime, I can offer you my personal favourite little piece of serenity; The Desiderata by Max Ehrmann c.1920

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Oh yeah, and listen to Baz Luhrmann, his sunscreen song is great for the soul.

 

[Monazwx]

I wasn't taught positive self worth, good self esteem, or strong confidence. I just didn't have the upbringing or the type of parents I needed to help me grow into my full potential. But is it too late? Am I already a lost cause? How can I nurture these things in myself now when all I've had is negative influences?

The fact that you realize that you're not where you want to be is key. Trust me, you're not the only ones facing these kinds of issues. I too have issues with my folks. (I was just crying today over the grief they've been giving me). You're not a lost cause, not by a long shot. You have to find the people who fill you up with positive energy. What do you like to do? What makes you happy?

It's hard to get away from negative influences when it's your family and you have to live with them. I can easily distance myself from certain friends if I feel I need to. I guess I need to develop positive thought patterns and maybe try a new hobby to build confidence.

Tell me about it. I am making strides to move outta here by the end of the year, (or early next year, if things don't go my way). I'm not sure if you're still in college or whatever, but if you're parents are apart of the problem, then you need a break from them, pronto. Have you mentioned how their behavior makes you feel? It maybe that they're so wrapped up in themselves, that they haven't noticed how they are making you feel. (If they're anything like my folks, they probably don't even care). Hopefully, you'll have a better time breaking through to your folks.

Question - How does your mother's appearance affect your outlook? My mom is ALWAYS on my @ss about appearance, and it pisses me off. Are you an only child, as well as an only daughter? Do you have anyone close, (like an aunt or a cousin), to tell your feelings to? In the case of putting yourself in questionable situations and things, PUT ALL OF THAT BEHIND YOU!!! This is a brand new day, and self-destruction is a thing of the past. This is time for building up.

 

[tenchikoi]

Question - How does your mother's appearance affect your outlook? My mom is ALWAYS on my @ss about appearance, and it pisses me off. Are you an only child, as well as an only daughter? Do you have anyone close, (like an aunt or a cousin), to tell your feelings to? In the case of putting yourself in questionable situations and things, PUT ALL OF THAT BEHIND YOU!!! This is a brand new day, and self-destruction is a thing of the past. This is time for building up.[/QUOTE]


I'm not an only child, I have a younger brother who is 27. I'm 31 and have to live with my mother for now because she has health issues and we both have to take care of my grandmother who is in a nursing home. I only see my father on holidays, not willingly, but just to be polite. I have two aunts, one is in drug rehab and the other has been brain washed by her racist, elitist husband. All my cousins are much younger than me. I have one friend, but she's married with a family and doesn't need to be burdened with my troubles. I'm still single in a go nowhere job. Well, I do have a boyfriend, but it feels like I'm still single because he works too much. I see him maybe once a week on Sunday mornings, if I'm lucky. I know I've grown very depressed over the years and discontent with my life. But I just seem to get crapped on every time I try to make a change for the better. It's like something is working against me and I just don't have the energy to fight much anymore. I'm tired and I shouldn't be at my age.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

However much you love them, caring for sick relatives is draining and depressing and you seem to have two that you're responsible for, with your grandma included. Is your brother not chipping in and giving you a little respite occasionally? If not, it might be time to contact whoever is responsible for organising a little back up for you in your area.

You're not going to widen your circle of friends if you never get outside the front door. Socialising doesn't have to be expensive either. Do you get along with your co-workers? Perhaps it's time to make the step and see a couple of them outside work. Don't shy away from rewarding yourself with a night out or something at least once a month.

Also, just because your friend is a wife and mom doesn't mean she wouldn't want to know how you're feeling right now. My best, oldest friend has a partner and 3 young sons but we still tell each other about everything. If she was really down and didn't tell you because she thought you were too busy with your own life, wouldn't you feel hurt and disappointed? It might help just to get it off your chest to somebody who knows you well and cares for you.

I don't know how accessible therapy is where you live but I suggest you start by telling your GP how you feel and see what help is offered. Sometimes a GP wants to prescribe anti-depressants but this should usually be a temporary thing and reviewed frequently.

Google for groups and clubs in your area. Just joining something like weight watchers can make you a few friends right off the bat and the classes aren't that expensive if you're not buying snack foods or take-out.

If you're the sort of timid person who has defensive body language and doesn't like making eye contact, be aware of that and work on it gradually. Some people just don't look friendly and approachable and they're not always aware of it. Make a point of smiling at people who smile at you, exchanging a few words with people who speak to you, chatting a little more with store clerks etc. It's all good practise and will help you to be more confident about talking to people you don't know yet.

 

[tenchikoi]

However much you love them, caring for sick relatives is draining and depressing and you seem to have two that you're responsible for, with your grandma included. Is your brother not chipping in and giving you a little respite occasionally? If not, it might be time to contact whoever is responsible for organising a little back up for you in your area.

You're not going to widen your circle of friends if you never get outside the front door. Socialising doesn't have to be expensive either. Do you get along with your co-workers? Perhaps it's time to make the step and see a couple of them outside work. Don't shy away from rewarding yourself with a night out or something at least once a month.

Also, just because your friend is a wife and mom doesn't mean she wouldn't want to know how you're feeling right now. My best, oldest friend has a partner and 3 young sons but we still tell each other about everything. If she was really down and didn't tell you because she thought you were too busy with your own life, wouldn't you feel hurt and disappointed? It might help just to get it off your chest to somebody who knows you well and cares for you.

I don't know how accessible therapy is where you live but I suggest you start by telling your GP how you feel and see what help is offered. Sometimes a GP wants to prescribe anti-depressants but this should usually be a temporary thing and reviewed frequently.

Google for groups and clubs in your area. Just joining something like weight watchers can make you a few friends right off the bat and the classes aren't that expensive if you're not buying snack foods or take-out.

If you're the sort of timid person who has defensive body language and doesn't like making eye contact, be aware of that and work on it gradually. Some people just don't look friendly and approachable and they're not always aware of it. Make a point of smiling at people who smile at you, exchanging a few words with people who speak to you, chatting a little more with store clerks etc. It's all good practise and will help you to be more confident about talking to people you don't know yet.

My brother is useless, he refuses to lift a finger to help me and would rather play WoW or just leave entirely. Whenever I ask my sister-in-law to help with anything she says "It's not my family". But I've decided to do something radical for once. I'm going to leave for an entire week, just go on a trip somewhere that I want to go to. I'm leaving them to handle things and learn to take responsibility for once in their life. I'm tired and I've had enough. I deserve to have a life and not kill myself taking care of people all the time. Maybe I wont even come back.

 

[CWatson]

My brother is useless, he refuses to lift a finger to help me and would rather play WoW or just leave entirely. Whenever I ask my sister-in-law to help with anything she says "It's not my family". But I've decided to do something radical for once. I'm going to leave for an entire week, just go on a trip somewhere that I want to go to. I'm leaving them to handle things and learn to take responsibility for once in their life. I'm tired and I've had enough. I deserve to have a life and not kill myself taking care of people all the time. Maybe I wont even come back.

Awesome! You totally totally should.

You're absolutely right: you do deserve to have a life. You do deserve sanity. You do deserve to not have to break your back over people who don't seem to give a damn about themselves. And anyone who tells you differently... Well, you can just flip 'em off, 'cause THEY'RE WRONG.

Just make sure you have a place to land when you're done.

And, while you're at it, I would really consider talking to your friend. She's your friend: she'll care about you. (And if she doesn't, well... Now you have even less holding you back from taking off and being yourself. )

Love and luck to you.

 

[Sleazy19]

My brother is useless, he refuses to lift a finger to help me and would rather play WoW or just leave entirely. Whenever I ask my sister-in-law to help with anything she says "It's not my family". But I've decided to do something radical for once. I'm going to leave for an entire week, just go on a trip somewhere that I want to go to. I'm leaving them to handle things and learn to take responsibility for once in their life. I'm tired and I've had enough. I deserve to have a life and not kill myself taking care of people all the time. Maybe I wont even come back.

Good for you hon!!!!
Wish you the best of luck!!!
*hugs*
S

 

[coastal-boy]

pick up a Narcotics Anonymous book and read it. Doesn't matter if you are not an addict...all addicts suffer from lack of self esteem, self worth and confidence. Take what you can from it and leave the rest. Bottom line...you can change if you want

 

[VelvetDarkness]

My brother is useless, he refuses to lift a finger to help me and would rather play WoW or just leave entirely. Whenever I ask my sister-in-law to help with anything she says "It's not my family". But I've decided to do something radical for once. I'm going to leave for an entire week, just go on a trip somewhere that I want to go to. I'm leaving them to handle things and learn to take responsibility for once in their life. I'm tired and I've had enough. I deserve to have a life and not kill myself taking care of people all the time. Maybe I wont even come back.

It certainly sounds like you've earned a break and if you go on strike and disappear for a week, chances are that your efforts will be much more appreciated when you get back. Just don't leave your mother without commandeering the support she needs from your family as you won't be able to enjoy yourself if you go on holiday and leave her to manage alone. I know it's a bit of a double edged sword but those who care for others really are caring people and you'll regret it if you lose your compassion because things have overwhelmed you.

Love and hugs to you. I cared for my own mother until she passed and I also worked in elderly care for years so if you'd like to chat further in pm, please do feel free.

 

[alaskabibear]

My brother is useless, he refuses to lift a finger to help me and would rather play WoW or just leave entirely. Whenever I ask my sister-in-law to help with anything she says "It's not my family". But I've decided to do something radical for once. I'm going to leave for an entire week, just go on a trip somewhere that I want to go to. I'm leaving them to handle things and learn to take responsibility for once in their life. I'm tired and I've had enough. I deserve to have a life and not kill myself taking care of people all the time. Maybe I wont even come back.

tenchikoi,
As I was reading through this entire discussion, one thought kept building in my mind; This person needs to be set free to live her own life. Then I came to your post above and said, "Yes!" You already know you need to be set free.

Sadly, all people are born into dis-functional families. The dis-functions vary, but we all have our own. I say this so you don't think I'm attacking your parents (For your parents were formed and shaped into what they are by others and by the events and choices in their own lives. No need to judge anyone if we can realize that so many times the forces that shape us all are beyond our control. Take as an example how your father's cruel words shaped the way you now feel about yourself - and how the way you feel about yourself has probably caused you to unknowingly hurt others - a chain reaction passed from generation to generation.)

However, some parents have so many hurts and dis-functions that instead of raising a child in anticipation of the day when they can set the child free and watch them soar - they instead turn the child into the one who shall take care of them. Oft times this manifests itself as a physical or financial need that the parent just can't manage without you, but at it's root is an emotional need of some sort. In some cases the physical/financial needs are real - only you can know in your own case. But one thing I've noticed is that people will use you until you cut them off, then miraclously they figure out another way to live. I know this is difficult situation you face, but unless you decide to set yourself free you are making an alternative choice and that is to remain an imprisoned "bird in a cage" until the day you die.

As to how to understand yourself, the influences that have shaped you, and how to start to "turn the boat" to a new course; IMO what Velvet wrote above is well worth repeating!

I know you've been inundated with ideas and suggestions - and seems to me they are all good. But also as I was reading the thread I thought of a book I read awhile back. The book is; "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It was somewhat of a "fad"(and you should be able to pick up a used copy cheap), but I think it touches on some things that might help you. It is somewhat of a combination of human psychology combined with spiritualism. (you may need to take the "spiritualism" with a grain of salt - not that it's "wrong" it just may not exactly reflect your view of things). But the parts i was thinking might help you is his way of explaining how we each begin our lives a "blank slate" and with every passing day others start marking on that slate. Pretty soon we start marking on our slate too, thinking that our thoughts are in fact our own. However, the thoughts and beliefs we think are our own are in fact the thoughts and beliefs of others who left their marks on our slate! Just make a quick point on this; you "think" you're over weight - it was not just your father who made this mark, it is the entire society in which you live who convinces you that this is a "truth". But consider other cultures past and present, perhaps in those you would be considered too skinny! So what is "truth"?

The book touches on many interesting concepts of why we think the way we do, how our accumulation of "false truths" causes us to make wrong assumptions and choices, and finally how to begin to see these "false truths" for what they are and begin to reject them. I echo some of the others who thought counseling might help (or even be needed) in order to begin to "think" in a new way. But, you may in fact be able to help yourself a lot by reading some of the suggested books. In fact, some of the things you learn by reading may help you realize that counseling could get you "over the hump" and on to a new life. Best wishes to you.

I agree with the poster who suggested therapy. It's a good first step and as an adult, all your core programming is ingrained. Your coping mechanisms and the way you interact socially are instincts learned in childhood that are difficult to assimilate and change. Be aware though, that it can take a few attempts before you find a therapist that you connect with and who you trust to open up to.

I can recommend this book called 'Healing The Shame That Binds You' by John Bradshaw. It is quite in depth and takes a while to digest but the basic philosophy is that people who have severe and debilitating self esteem issues that impact negatively on their lives are carrying a great deal of unnecessary shame. If someone feels unattractive, their appearance causes them shame. If someone is shy and timid, their lack of assertiveness causes them shame. If they are an underachiever and lack ambition, they're ashamed. All this shame mounts up into a huge black cloud and negatively affects how a person approaches everything. Just as some confident and ambitious people (e.g. Simon Cowell) appear to lead charmed lives, so other people fail specifically because they do not believe they are capable of success. The difference isn't even about ambition. Being a shy, timid, cuddly person who is genuinely happy with their life and has no ambition to take over the world is a perfectly fantastic thing to be. It's generally outside influences like relatives and peers who directly or indirectly cause a person to feel that they have somehow failed another's expectations in them or that their life choices make them a less worthy person. It's BS.

This is the start of a long, gradual process for you and it will be easy to become discouraged and think, 'I can't do this, it won't work for me. I can't change after all this time.' This kind of thinking is self sabotage. Take baby steps and be gentle on yourself. Pay attention to progress you make and little victories along the way.

If you still have weight issues, this may be something to address also as losing a few pounds and toning up a little can kickstart a person into a more positive and motivated frame of mind, which is more than half the battle. Don't try to metamorphosise overnight, whether physically or emotionally. I'm sure that you have it within you to be a more confident, calm and happy person.

In the meantime, I can offer you my personal favourite little piece of serenity; The Desiderata by Max Ehrmann c.1920



Oh yeah, and listen to Baz Luhrmann, his sunscreen song is great for the soul.

I'm going to print this piece by Max Ehrmann and hang it on my wall! Thanks so much.