What are my options?

[thelady06]

I've been lurking around here for awhile and finally decided to participate tonight. I am a young, happily married woman. Ridiculously "vanilla" life. Except that after a few years of online reading and mild experimentation with my husband, I find that I want to be submissive. I fantasize of being a true sub. My husband agrees to tie me up with neckties every now and then, and he enjoys teasing me. But I continue to fantasize of harsher domination. Problem: we are a "sweet" couple. I don't think he would ever actually be able to hurt me, even if I want it! I encountered the option of an online dom, but that's cheating on my husband as far as I'm concerned. What are my options (if there are any left)? Any ideas on how I can live more as a sub?

 

[subbie_333]

I've been lurking around here for awhile and finally decided to participate tonight. I am a young, happily married woman. Ridiculously "vanilla" life. Except that after a few years of online reading and mild experimentation with my husband, I find that I want to be submissive. I fantasize of being a true sub. My husband agrees to tie me up with neckties every now and then, and he enjoys teasing me. But I continue to fantasize of harsher domination. Problem: we are a "sweet" couple. I don't think he would ever actually be able to hurt me, even if I want it! I encountered the option of an online dom, but that's cheating on my husband as far as I'm concerned. What are my options (if there are any left)? Any ideas on how I can live more as a sub?

If you want to "live" it and not cheat on hubby, then, you need to open up more of the communication with hubby. Tell him it is something you have been thinking about. And, that you want to experiment with. But, only with him - make that clear.

Then, set aside some time for just the two of you, sitting on the bed. Experiment with all sortsa things, keeping it light, fun, and, no pressure. Take turns pinching each other's body parts, from nipples to lips to ear lobes to inner thighs. Use simple things like towels as blindfolds and cotton balls in the ears to play with sensory deprivation. Take turns telling the other to lie still while hands and hair stroke their body. Take turns telling the other what to do to their own body and then yours.

Taking turns allows him to understand how some of those things feel - it will help him understand how it feels to you. Explain that you really like some of those feelings, and, that it would please you for him in particular to do those things to you. Talk about adrenaline rushes, and, how it helps the body deal with the pain. And, it would *really* help for you to get excited from the things that he is doing, to get really turned on, and, basically pounce on him. Hopefully he will get the connection that if he does things that really turn you on, then, he can get something back as well.

 

[EmpressFi]

One thing to remember, that being submissive isnt only about the pain... if that's your kink, then it is, but being submissive is simply putting his needs first before yours and meeting those needs.

I agree that more communication needs to take place, but also think about what other ways can you meet his needs before he asks or use that communication to see what kind of needs he has. My Master and I are in a long-distance relationship so I cant have a drink waiting for him when he gets home or dinner, serving him first and waiting for him to begin to eat, etc, however, I can help him proofread his papers and help him get them ready for submission which lowers his stress level and helps me feel needed.

 

[Netzach]

And there's also the possibility that you're simply going to be at a sexual impasse with this person you love very much. He has as much right to NOT be kinky as you do to be kinky - he is pretty much how he is and the things that turn him on turn him on.

Ultimately this did in a relationship I was in that I otherwise valued very much. My sexuality is just too large a chunk of my identity to function without it in place in a serious relationship.

 

[CutieMouse]

I've been lurking around here for awhile and finally decided to participate tonight. I am a young, happily married woman. Ridiculously "vanilla" life. Except that after a few years of online reading and mild experimentation with my husband, I find that I want to be submissive. I fantasize of being a true sub. My husband agrees to tie me up with neckties every now and then, and he enjoys teasing me. But I continue to fantasize of harsher domination. Problem: we are a "sweet" couple. I don't think he would ever actually be able to hurt me, even if I want it! I encountered the option of an online dom, but that's cheating on my husband as far as I'm concerned. What are my options (if there are any left)? Any ideas on how I can live more as a sub?

First- define "true sub." What does "being submissive" mean to you?

Second - who says you can't be "sweet" and kinky as hell? Never judge a book by it's cover.

Third - not discussing things is a good way to not get your needs met by your husband, is to not trust him enough to tell him. The man's already tied you up and teased you, which tells me he's not completely opposed to exploring things... see point number two.

ETA: Netz's point that he might not be wired for Domliness is spot on, but I still say you won't know unless you face it head on and talk about it.

 

[Bandit58]

One thing to remember, that being submissive isnt only about the pain... if that's your kink, then it is, but being submissive is simply putting his needs first before yours and meeting those needs.

I agree that more communication needs to take place, but also think about what other ways can you meet his needs before he asks or use that communication to see what kind of needs he has. My Master and I are in a long-distance relationship so I cant have a drink waiting for him when he gets home or dinner, serving him first and waiting for him to begin to eat, etc, however, I can help him proofread his papers and help him get them ready for submission which lowers his stress level and helps me feel needed.

Well said Fi Often people forget, or don't realise, that submission isn't necessarily all about whips and chains and bondage.

I am in a 24/7 Dom/sub relationship. Every relationship is different - mine involves a lot of medical caring because my Dom has renal failure and diabetes, and we do haemodialysis at home. I look out for anything He might need at any given time.

lady06, regarding the kinky bedroom stuff - it doesn't have to involve pain if your husband has a problem with it. He can restrain you, use things like ice or tickle feathers, bring you to the brink of orgasm and stop, get you to beg to be able to cum There's lots of fun to be had if you use your imagination

 

[twysted73]

All very good points.

Netz, you read my mind. Same integral importance applied here as well.

Might I suggest you do a list. (I do enjoy them and once on paper, it's very hard to ignore or argue)

~ Column A) List the things you would like to have and/or do as a submissive. As a sexual partner. Whatnot.

~ Column B) List those things you want/need be part of your sexual personality and landscape. These would be things you cannot do without or, at the very least, will have a very, very hard time letting go of if they cannot/will not be met by him.

Then give him the list. Do not linger. Do not add pressure. Simply tell him it's a list of things you feel intimately about. Hand him a pen and have him circle those he feels comfortable trying or encorporating into your sex life in the near future. (remember not to set any absolutes or draw any (time) lines in the sand. You live within a perpetual union of compromise. Why should this be any different?

Once he understands the rules, walk away. Let him absorb this new information in private where his opinion is being respected as equal and his hand isn't being forced.

Using this method.......I feel you will have much success.

 

[tmock]

consider k9.

 

[ataxia.girl]

One thing to remember, that being submissive isnt only about the pain... if that's your kink, then it is, but being submissive is simply putting his needs first before yours and meeting those needs.

This is the one i have trouble with; can't quite let go of. i often think if i was really submissive, like i like to think i am, i would just be happy carting the kids around in the minivan, taking care of the house, sitting around the table to a dinner i cooked every night, and having lovey dovey vanilla sex once a week because that's what he would like.

i feel genuinely NOT submissive because what he wants doesn't make me happy and isn't enough for me. On the other hand when with the right Dominant i'm pretty crazy submissive and it would be hard not to call me such. Sometimes i think the very thought that it bothers me that i don't fully submit to a Husband led vanilla life means i probably am?

 

[Netzach]

This bugs me about the real D/s isn't SM camp. By this logic I should be happy enough that my vanilla ex would pick up ketchup on the way home if I asked and always consulted me before making any major decisions, and if I'm not happy because he doesn't let me tie him to my radiator and make him beg, it's because I'm a sicksick pervert and superficial.

I'll be the first to say it, I'm Dominant, but I'm more Sado than Dominant.

 

[twysted73]

I'll be the first to say it, I'm Dominant, but I'm more Sado than Dominant.

It's why we like you so much. Anyone can call themselves dominant.
It takes a special person to derive enjoyment through the suffering of others.

 

[ataxia.girl]

This bugs me about the real D/s isn't SM camp. By this logic I should be happy enough that my vanilla ex would pick up ketchup on the way home if I asked and always consulted me before making any major decisions, and if I'm not happy because he doesn't let me tie him to my radiator and make him beg, it's because I'm a sicksick pervert and superficial.

I'll be the first to say it, I'm Dominant, but I'm more Sado than Dominant.

i'm behaivorally submissive and intellectually rebellious and contrary. So i live the way he wants but i express my dissatisfaction occasionally and will ask for xyz if he forces it out of me but then am unhappy when he gives it to me because he wasn't the one that wanted it. i have a weird almost slavelike mentality which makes it hard to accept his Topping me when the whole thing is in an effort to make me happy but i'm also very kinky and have a high drive and need to be used.

i'm much happier doing D/s at home the way he wants to do it and then getting my edge on the side. i guess most people think you should either get divorced or be miserable but i've opted for option 3 and so far it works. i'm just not in favor of our current culture of serial monogamy.

We did go through a pretty intense 6 months exploring BDSM together and trying different things. He read a couple of books even and really threw himself into it for awhile. In the end though he's just not that kinky and doesn't have that high a sex drive and once i got over the idea that he had to be the one to give me everything i ever wanted in life i was fine with it. He had to work that out for himself too though. He spent several months trying to keep up with me before he just said sorry, not me, i'm tired of this and i'm not doing it anymore. We still play occasionally when he feels like it and its fun. Because i'm not trying to get all my sub\maso needs met from that occasional play i am able to just enjoy it.

Maybe the OP will have better luck and their desires will end up being more in line with each other but i have found trying to insert D/s into an existing vanilla relationship to be very difficult indeed. At first you think if i can just get them to do it everything will just fall into place. It doesn't. They may be nothing like the Dominant of your fantasies. They will have their own interpretation and you having been looking at it for so long on your own will have lots of preconceived notions about how he should do things (this was my exp anyway). Its rough being assigned a ready made Dominant you didn't pick out yourself for that role. Most of the people here picked each other largely based on their compatibility not just as people but as Dominant and submissive. That is not the case when trying to add BDSM to a vanilla relationship.

 

[ataxia.girl]

It takes a special person to derive enjoyment through the suffering of others.

And those would be my favorite kind of people

 

[CutieMouse]

This bugs me about the real D/s isn't SM camp. By this logic I should be happy enough that my vanilla ex would pick up ketchup on the way home if I asked and always consulted me before making any major decisions, and if I'm not happy because he doesn't let me tie him to my radiator and make him beg, it's because I'm a sicksick pervert and superficial.

I'll be the first to say it, I'm Dominant, but I'm more Sado than Dominant.

Just as a footnote, I wasn't meaning to imply "real" D/s isn't SM... it was more of a "how do you envision D/s being real for you?" kind of thing.

 

[FurryFury]

More options for you are live a rich fantasy life. I know I do. It's what gets me off MOST of the time.

Go to your local munches, demos and play parties.

At the ones I've been to, there is NO pressure.

There is NO genital to genital sex like some people expect there will be.

You can be a volunteer for a demo or even just try offered things. If your husband is cool with it, that can give you some hands on experiences which are great but not necessarily being submissive IMO.

As mentioned above you can be submissive to your husband even if he doesn't know it. I do a lot of shit I don't want to do around here because it's what he wants. He may not notice but I know.

Sometimes I get (momentarily) sick from the stress of pushing myself to do things that are not my way or a comfortable way. That's when I really have to push myself.

My husband is not interested in being a Dom, Top or Master with me. Like me he is too much in charge and wants not to be. Thankfully we can channel this into doing things for each other to make the other one happy.

There is one serious caveat in this situation, keep in mind this is what you are choosing to do because YOU chose it. Even if you are doing something for someone else, it's still what you chose for your own reasons. Own it.

Never expect anyone to appreciate what you are doing for them if they never asked you to do it! If they do, that's great. If not, it probably means more to you than to them and that makes sense because YOU chose it!

You can talk with your husband about these things and he might surprise you.

He might even tell you, as my husband did, that you can have an online Dom (which I did for a while) or even "cheat" (which I will never do) and he will be cool with that. You never know.

Communication is key.

Let us know how it goes for you.

 

[rida]

To the OP:

You got a lot of good advices. Talking it out with your Husband should be the first step. He might surprise you

....
Maybe the OP will have better luck and their desires will end up being more in line with each other but i have found trying to insert D/s into an existing vanilla relationship to be very difficult indeed. At first you think if i can just get them to do it everything will just fall into place. It doesn't. They may be nothing like the Dominant of your fantasies. They will have their own interpretation and you having been looking at it for so long on your own will have lots of preconceived notions about how he should do things (this was my exp anyway). Its rough being assigned a ready made Dominant you didn't pick out yourself for that role. Most of the people here picked each other largely based on their compatibility not just as people but as Dominant and submissive. That is not the case when trying to add BDSM to a vanilla relationship.

Very good point.

I was not the one that introduced BDSM in our married life, and yet I embraced it perhaps more fully than him. Sure thing thou is that Hubby and I have different needs and different way to interpret the dynamic.

And I'm getting to the realization that he might never be the type of Dominant I need and want. Luckily I also am allowed to go outside of my marriage, and I am now exploring different things. Right now Hubby is still the primary Dominant in my life, but things might change with time.

Afterall it is about the journey, not the destination

....

There is one serious caveat in this situation, keep in mind this is what you are choosing to do because YOU chose it. Even if you are doing something for someone else, it's still what you chose for your own reasons. Own it.

Never expect anyone to appreciate what you are doing for them if they never asked you to do it! If they do, that's great. If not, it probably means more to you than to them and that makes sense because YOU chose it!

....

The above is soooo true and I wish more people would live by that!
(and not necessary in the D/s dynamic only )

 

[SweetErika]

I encountered the option of an online dom, but that's cheating on my husband as far as I'm concerned.

But is it cheating as far as HE is concerned?

If your husband fully supports you in getting XYZ from another person/people, it's not cheating. If you have his blessing, then it's just up to you to decide what you're comfortable with.

I agree you should talk with him about all of this. He may very well be willing to try some, or all, of the things you're interested in. If he tries, he might find enjoyment and wish to explore further. Or, maybe he won't like it so much, but he'll decide it's something he'd like you to explore on your own.

You'll never know unless you take the leap and communicate honestly about it. Give him the option to consider and decide based on full disclosure, instead of limiting your options by just assuming how he feels - he may shock the hell out of you (my husband sure has...in good ways!).

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I know that to ask for dominance and to initiate this kind of thing feels all wrong from a submissive viewpoint. It's something you'll have to deal with on some level until either your husband starts getting into dominance and enjoying it, or until he makes it clear that he's just not the kind of dominant you would like him to be.

I agree with others that you should talk about this more and be frank with him before you go looking elsewhere or resigning yourself to a sex life that you're not happy with. Worst he can really do is say no.

Be aware that most people fantasise at a level they wouldn't necessarily tolerate in real life. Fantasy is safe and painless, whereas the reality is very different. Don't sit hubby down and suggest diving off the deep end, all you really need to do is intimate a desire for pain as well as control. Agree a safeword, something unrelated to sex like 'Red' that will halt whatever he's doing. That way, you can say 'no' and mean 'yes' without your husband getting confused and he can feel confident that you are enjoying what he's doing, even if outwardly you're displaying pain and/or fear.

I think a BDSM checklist would be a good idea as at least then you'll have a starting point and new things that you're interested in will be on the table. I expect he'll surprise you too and it's worth offering to fulfil a few of his fantasies so that you don't feel you're being overly demanding or anything. Like others have said, he's already started taking control and doing what he believes will please you. It shouldn't take much dabbling in spanking or whatever to convince him that you really do enjoy pain during sex.

Tread carefully though as the male ego is incredibly fragile and if he has already started changing his technique in order to please you, the notion that it's still not good enough may dishearten him and put him off trying anything else. It may also make you appear ungrateful, when I'm sure you're not. Make sure you give a lot of reassurance and praise so that he knows you genuinely appreciate the ways he has tried to please you and that you love him and love having sex with him. Once that has been re-established and love and trust is strong between you, gently say that because you enjoyed what he did so much, your fantasies have moved on a little and there's other stuff you'd really like him to try with you.

Also, another way to romance him into the idea is to simply start submitting. Be more service oriented and pre-empt needs that he has, pamper him with a massage and do little things like running a bath for him, cooking his favourite food, fetching him drinks etc that will make him feel special. Seek his guidance and authority on things and make sure he knows how horny it makes you when he's all alpha and decisive. You can also throw a little kink into everyday situations, almost as a joke and see if he picks up the ball and runs with it. For example, if you burn the dinner or forget to do something he asked you to, say something like 'how naughty of me, what will you do about that I wonder?' Or 'how can I make it up to you?' suggestive, throwaway comments with a raised eyebrow. If you make him feel like the centre of your world, he may gain confidence and act upon it, especially if you talk to him about your fantasies. Just be careful you don't create a monster, power corrupts you know!

Oh and blowjobs. Blowjobs are a magical secret weapon that make men feel like kings, especially if you get all slutty, take it as deep as possible and swallow when he's done. There are few men who don't get a bit alpha and feral if he has a naked women on her knees, worshipping his cock.

 

[La_Reina]

i have a question. I am married, happily, I should add or somewhat. Whatever. I have been into BDSM since we first got married. I got into it the year we got married and kept researching more and more. I'm very much into GoR, but want a sorta water down version where I don't have to ask for every little thing.

My point: I've discussed with my husband my hunger for a more BDSM lifestyle and am willing to work up to what he's comfortable with. He's not! He's just not into it at all. Sitting at his feet unnerves him. The most we do is during sex (doggy style) he'll push my chest down on the bed and call it the "submissive position" otherwise he just can't bear to do anything else. Is there anything I can do?

communication is open which is how he knows I want this and he will NOT do this. Small steps have been taken ie sitting on the floor leaning against the couch while he sits on the couch which he just does not like. I mean I get it. He's not a Dom or into it. But seriously am I just ... S.O.L.?

 

[Netzach]

i have a question. I am married, happily, I should add or somewhat. Whatever. I have been into BDSM since we first got married. I got into it the year we got married and kept researching more and more. I'm very much into GoR, but want a sorta water down version where I don't have to ask for every little thing.

My point: I've discussed with my husband my hunger for a more BDSM lifestyle and am willing to work up to what he's comfortable with. He's not! He's just not into it at all. Sitting at his feet unnerves him. The most we do is during sex (doggy style) he'll push my chest down on the bed and call it the "submissive position" otherwise he just can't bear to do anything else. Is there anything I can do?

communication is open which is how he knows I want this and he will NOT do this. Small steps have been taken ie sitting on the floor leaning against the couch while he sits on the couch which he just does not like. I mean I get it. He's not a Dom or into it. But seriously am I just ... S.O.L.?

You do these things. He doesn't LIKE them. This is service how?

I also have a top who doesn't do it as rough as he does in my imagination, but I adjust around him, I get ultrasensitive to what he does like, if he has some vanilla thing for me to do, I do it to the nth. I'm less SOL because I'm a Dominant person at heart, though, if he were to tell me "no I don't want you submissive to me" I could drop it without my life being miserable. But I also know what it's like, as a Dominant person, to have the shoe on the other foot, and to have to really overeager and overbearing bottom around me, who doesn't *care* what I like, only wants their fantasy of me to come to life for them.

It leaves me feeling very inadequate and that's not a turnon. Doing things I don't like and I'm not comfortable with isn't erotic. It's not going to be. Either get interested in what he finds erotic, or get interested in someone whose interests align better with yours. Because people aren't going to change these fundamental turnons. You tried. He does not want.

 

[Oceanmother]

This is something hubby and I are working through at the moment too. It is a slow process, and should be I think because marriages can be broken and are tough to fix. You want to get it right.

We have been making good inroads, he has finally come to understand that I really do mean it when I say I LIKE it to hurt and I WANT him to lose control. That was a big step, and a difficult one, because you can't exactly come out and say
"You know, a couple of the guys I was with before you used to tie me up and spank me and I really really liked it."
Because that is not the kind of thing you say to your husband. Or maybe some people can, but not me, not to him.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Either get interested in what he finds erotic, or get interested in someone whose interests align better with yours. Because people aren't going to change these fundamental turnons. You tried. He does not want.

This is what i have done. my SO got super hot, i initiated, vanilla, me on top, sex last night because i felt like serving him. Its what he likes the best. He does do stuff i like too and is dominant in the relationship but basically i quit trying to get him to fulfill all my fantasies and instead focus on making him happy. i go elsewhere to get my fantasies fulfilled. He tried it for awhile but it just put too much strain on the relationship. It may not be ideal but life rarely is.

 

[Oceanmother]

. Either get interested in what he finds erotic, or get interested in someone whose interests align better with yours. Because people aren't going to change these fundamental turnons. You tried. He does not want.

I realized this early on, and understand now that he is never going to tie me over the balcony railings and get his friends to use me one after the other, or use me as his urinal, or punch-bag, or whip me into unconciousness... and yes, I am really quite glad that none of these things turn him on. (some things are best saved for Lit stories)

ON the other hand, he just loves to see me really, really, crazily turned on gagging for it, and now he knows that his being assertive, and rougher, or humiliating me just a bit, is the best way to get me there. Hallelujah!

And on the plus side for him, he has now discovered that if he grabs me by the hair, kisses me hard and says 'Give me a blowjob NOW'..... I will. What red-blooded male couldn't live with that?

 

[Netzach]

I realized this early on, and understand now that he is never going to tie me over the balcony railings and get his friends to use me one after the other, or use me as his urinal, or punch-bag, or whip me into unconciousness... and yes, I am really quite glad that none of these things turn him on. (some things are best saved for Lit stories)

ON the other hand, he just loves to see me really, really, crazily turned on gagging for it, and now he knows that his being assertive, and rougher, or humiliating me just a bit, is the best way to get me there. Hallelujah!

And on the plus side for him, he has now discovered that if he grabs me by the hair, kisses me hard and says 'Give me a blowjob NOW'..... I will. What red-blooded male couldn't live with that?

Some are never ever going to do that. They're going to secretly hope that you'll be on your knees when they come through the door though. They may be so good as to tell you once or twice and if you miss the hint, you miss the hint.

If your fantasies involve only being taken, forced and made to do things, you're going to have to find someone with those capabilities and interests.

If you fantasies involve pleasing someone or, in my case, pleasing one particular person on his terms, whatever those are - you have the latitude and the job of taking initiative. Listen for the hints. Ask the questions. Accept the answers.

The initiative = dominance thing has to get called into question. Again, I've got more flexibility here. Being the one to do whatever and not just have whatever done has never been a turn-off for me. It's a horrible buzzkill to a lot of people who are submissive bottoms, emphasis on bottom.

It used to annoy me to no end that whether I'm working him over, or whether I'm giving him the chance to do anything he wants with me, days with T often involve him between my legs, licking me till I can't take it anymore.

I like to have him there. So I put him there.
It's what the man likes so he puts himself there. At first this seemed like a crashing lack of imagination, but as my esteem for him went up and my desire to please him went up, I have adopted a "who the fuck am I to say different?" stance.

If his mouthing of my tits goes on longer than I'd like or isn't as harsh as I'd like or it's TOO harsh ow! - in NONE of those instances should my opinion matter, if I'm submitting.

 

[ataxia.girl]

I realized this early on, and understand now that he is never going to tie me over the balcony railings and get his friends to use me one after the other, or use me as his urinal, or punch-bag, or whip me into unconciousness... and yes, I am really quite glad that none of these things turn him on. (some things are best saved for Lit stories)

i've also kind of come around to the idea that i don't want the above at home. i'm still not sure i don't want them at all but i do think there are some things that i really don't want within my marriage. They might be okay within "a" marriage but not the one i'm in.