Advice for a newbie to BDSM.

[suger_cane]

I had a bit of an intimate "play fight" with a dom friend of mine, but I am new to the whole Dom/sub thing and was wondering if someone could give me some advice.

Stories of first expericences welcome.

A few questions I have:
How does this effect love?
Do sub/dom relationships work long term?
How do you meet such people?
How do you tell new partners about your sexual liking.

And so on.

Thanks for your help all

 

[be_ignited]

How does this affect love?

Well, it doesn't. I can love the man who beats my ass and he can love me while he beats my ass. The two are not mutually exclusive. Ultimately I know he is beating my ass (to continue with the same example) not just because he enjoys it, but because he knows I enjoy it too.

Do sub/dom relationships work long term

Yes. If you want them to. If you work at them, much like you would with any "normal" relationship. How much the Dom/sub dynamic comes into play (when the mood strikes, in the bedroom, every day) is up to the people in the relationship.

How do you meet such people?

Well, there's the internet. Forums like these and Alt, Collarme, etc. Personals sights. You can also look up local events and gatherings in your area.

How do you tell new partners about your sexual liking?

Well you could start by looking for people who are already kink-inclined. Barring that, you do it the same way you'd bring up any sexual interest to a new partner. "I really like X (spanking, hair pulling, you taking control), would you be interested in trying that?" The worst they can say is no. You can decide whether or not that's a deal-breaker later.

Easier said than done, but most people are unlikely to balk at the suggestion of some light S&M play especially if you keep an open mind when it comes to your partner's fantasies as well.

 

[suger_cane]

Thanks.

Its just all scary because I am new to it all and I am not sure what to make of it.

Its one of those things that people feel is "wrong" and while all my friends sit around and talk about "making love" all I know is I feel the urge to be caned sometimes.

I am hoping I can learn new things here and feel safe, discuss them safely etc.

I am pretty naive to start with when it comes to these things.

But the idea of being a sub just seems to have such a pull for me.

 

[Bandit58]

How does this affect love?

Perhaps the question should be the other way around, i.e. "How does love affect this?" Sir and I love each other very much. I have found that it enhances my trust in Him and allows me to "go with the flow" more. Also as be_ignited said, He beats my butt and we both like it Why would He not want to do something that we both enjoy.....?

Do sub/dom relationships work long term?

We have been together for 4 1/2 years and are now married. It's worked so far! We intend to be together for the long haul.

How do you meet such people?

Sir and I met here on Lit, not on the BDSM boards but in a thread for Aussies on the Playground forum. I was a total newbie and He was a Dom of about 10 years' experience.
There are other sites like collarme, alt.com and bondage.com. However it couldn't hurt to check out your local area for munches and local groups.

How do you tell new partners about your sexual liking.

I'd just bring it up as a general topic of conversation - "How do you feel about spanking/bondage/other bdsm topic". If anything it will be a conversation starter!

 

[suger_cane]

Tag.

Thanks for the last person that posted, I noticed one of your tags says about being a survivour of abuse.

Well, so am I, and one of the things that worries me is that my sexual liking is something to do with my past. I have talked it through with a good friend of mine who knows me and she said its clearly not, but some part of me does worry. Another part of me worries about setting off flash backs also.

I am glad to know there is still love, this isn't mainstream and an online friend of mine introduced me to this site so still figuring it all out.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

How does this effect love?
Love is... Whatever you define it as really. For me at least, there has to be a great deal of love and trust before I feel able to submit to somebody. I also think that the risks and intensity of a BDSMy relationship usually mean that there is a lot more frank communication than I generally see in vanilla relationships. Nothing can ever be assumed in BDSM and that's usually a very good thing.

Do sub/dom relationships work long term?
Yes. I have been with my Master for the better part of 2 years and we have lived together for almost a year. We're as kinky as we ever were and still very much in love.

How do you meet such people?
I met Sir in the chatroom here but there are loads of online dating sites for kinky people and local much groups, as others have suggested. You just have to have a finely tuned bullshit-O-meter and be sure about what you're really looking for.

How do you tell new partners about your sexual liking.
Previous partners always discovered that I liked sex to be a little rough and dirty, it doesn't really take much. You can just drop a little kink into your flirting and see if the guy picks it up and runs with it. If Master and I ever split, I know I'd be looking on BDSM websites for a Dom, I can't live without it now. The chances of meeting a sexual deviant at random, in real life are just too small for me to bother looking there. You just can't hook up with a nice guy, go out for dinner and then, when he kisses you goodnight at your door, say 'I had a wonderful time darling, would you care to beat me with a flogger and fuck my ass?'

 

[Bandit58]

Thanks for the last person that posted, I noticed one of your tags says about being a survivour of abuse.

Well, so am I, and one of the things that worries me is that my sexual liking is something to do with my past. I have talked it through with a good friend of mine who knows me and she said its clearly not, but some part of me does worry. Another part of me worries about setting off flash backs also.

I am glad to know there is still love, this isn't mainstream and an online friend of mine introduced me to this site so still figuring it all out.

My abuse was emotional and verbal, not physical - but it does scar you just as much.
This post of mine might be helpful. It is on a thread in the How To forum called How do you help someone get over being abused.
http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=27258600&postcount=2818

Communication is key. Potential play partners/Dominants will need to be aware of your past so if any flashbacks do occur they can help you deal with them.

This is just my opinion, but I don't believe your abusive past has any bearing on your interest in BDSM. In my case, without knowing anything about being submissive, I unconsciously confused domineering with Dominant, and married the wrong man I left him six years ago but it took me 23 years to do it. My story is on that abuse thread if you care to read it

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=119289

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I had a bit of an intimate "play fight" with a dom friend of mine, but I am new to the whole Dom/sub thing and was wondering if someone could give me some advice.

Stories of first expericences welcome.

A few questions I have:
How does this effect love?
Do sub/dom relationships work long term?
How do you meet such people?
How do you tell new partners about your sexual liking.

And so on.

Thanks for your help all

How does this effect love?

it affected love for me by showing me a love i never thought possible. just because you're D/s does not mean there is no love involved. i loved MP more than i have ever loved another partner.

Do sub/dom relationships work long term?

Mine and MP's relationship lasted 5 years. so, yea it can work long term. D/s is a life style, just a different type of relationship you just have different dynamics and "kinkier" sex than when you are in a vanilla relationship, the rest of the relationship (atleast for us) worked quite the same way as any other.

How do you meet such people?

i got lucky here and met MP online and he introduced me to this lifestyle. but there are BDSM gatherings that you can meet people with like interests. Munches, that sot of thing. google it for your hometown

How do you tell new partners about your sexual liking.

sorry, i'm of no help here, MP and i just ended our relationship and it was my first D/s relationship. i'm not sure yet how to bring up my sexual interests to the guy i am talking to now, maybe it will come with time. but honestly i don't think i want another D/s relationship. i have a hard time thinking about submitting to someone other than MP. maybe that will change with time, but for now that's how it is. good luck to you and i will also suggest LOTS AND LOTS of research, reading and learning. there are alot of myths out there about this lifestyle it's up to you to listen and take what you wish and leave the rest. as a very wise person once told me "this lifestyle is a journey, not a sprint" so take the time to enjoy it!