It didn't have to be this way.....

[OrgasmicleBunny]

My boyfriend and I have broken up. It's a long story, but he stayed living with me until tonight, we broke up June 1st. He would have left sooner but he procrastinated on buying a bus/plane ticket and it ended up being too expensive, so I was understanding and said he could stay a few more days, to save money on the plane ride back home which is 1500 miles away for him.

Things really had been going ok, I did have my moments of breakdown, I was going to miss him, terribly the breakup was somewhat mutual or so I thought.

He has now turned, and now I know why he was procrastinating reserving the ticket, there's someone else involved, granted she hasn't been involved long, but probably longer than I think.

Tonight was going to be our last night together, we had a good evening last night, I was starting to understand more, I wanted to be his friend, I was coping with my jealousy, it was going to be ok, he said he was going to see her again today, and be home in the evening, I was fine with that, didn't bother me at all.

Then, he says he's getting his hair cut and will be home after that, this is at 6, and at 7:30 I hadn't heard from him, so I called, and he didn't answer, but called me right back and while laughing and she's laughing in the background and I hear her say "drama" he says, we're just hanging out, I shouldn't be TOO much later, I said, "whatever" and hung up on him.

It's now midnight and I still haven't heard from him, other than a text message, saying dont be mad, just be open to talking when I get there.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

So, ive texted him and told him basically not to come home, that he can come home tomorrow when I'm gone and get his things then and he can find his own ride to the airport, IF he's going at all.

I have a feeling, he's not going, he's either trying to figure out how to get her to come with him, or he's going to stay here. Here, as in, in this city.

Yes, I KNOW we're not together and he can do with his time whatever he wants, but he SAID he wanted to spend time talking to me and he SAID he was going to.

I know he has his own life and he can do whatever he wants, but until he leaves on the plane, it somewhat involves me.

He has MY car, btw, because he doesn't have one. So he's going to also have to figure that situation out.

I'm over being mad, jealous, sad. I can't cry anymore, I've cried enough, I just wanted it ended amicably I wanted to be his friend, but he has RUINED that.

 

[Username_In_Use]

Not to rub it in, but wasn't there a whole thread telling you to make it a clean break? Still, that sucks, I know what it feels like since an ex has done that to me before i.e. told me she wanted to hang out and canceled at the last minute or stood me up.

 

[CuriousPaws]

sigh

a guy like that, i say throw his stuff outside into the lawn, and tell him go away.

 

[SweetErika]

It's now midnight and I still haven't heard from him, other than a text message, saying dont be mad, just be open to talking when I get there.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Put yourself in his shoes. Would YOU want to come home if your ex/roommate was freaking out over you having a new partner and your choice to spend time with them over our ex? Wouldn't you say, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" then, when they were all pissy over your decisions, too, because you couldn't believe they were so upset over something like this?

So, ive texted him and told him basically not to come home, that he can come home tomorrow when I'm gone and get his things then and he can find his own ride to the airport, IF he's going at all.

Case in point. Instead of telling him you'd see him tomorrow or whenever, and telling him your feelings were hurt over his failure to keep his commitment to talk with you in a calm, respectful manner, you completely overreacted. Why would he want to come home and/or spend time with you when you freak out and can't let go of things like this?

I don't know how these plans to spend time together came to be, but is it possible he made them in hopes of appeasing you in some way? If so, there's a good chance he never intended to keep the plans, or at least once he found out he could spend time on his new, hopeful relationship instead of his old, dead one.

I have a feeling, he's not going, he's either trying to figure out how to get her to come with him, or he's going to stay here. Here, as in, in this city.

It sounds like this is a problem for you. Why is that? Does it really matter where in the world he is or who he's with, since you've broken up and are healing, according to you.

Yes, I KNOW we're not together and he can do with his time whatever he wants, but he SAID he wanted to spend time talking to me and he SAID he was going to.

Exactly.

Maybe it would help to narrow down what you're really feeling and where that's truly coming from, then attack it logically. For instance, are you feeling angry or betrayed because he didn't keep his word? Has his word usually been good in the past, or has he had a habit of not sticking to the commitments he makes, or making those commitments hastily? Or, might you be feeling hurt and/or jealous because he has a new gf so soon, and/or chose to spend time w/ her over you? If so, is it possible you're not as healed as you previously thought? Does he have a habit of jumping into relationships quickly, issues with being alone, etc.?

I know he has his own life and he can do whatever he wants, but until he leaves on the plane, it somewhat involves me.

Honestly, would you feel the same if he was just a platonic roommate?

Your statements seem very contradictory to me. It sounds like you're saying one thing, but truly believe, or feel (and remember that feelings are often illogical), another. Might be something to look at.

He has MY car, btw, because he doesn't have one. So he's going to also have to figure that situation out.

I'm not sure what this has to do with anything. Are you thinking he won't be able to figure things out without you there? Didn't he survive on his own before you moved in, so isn't he likely to figure out how to get around when you two are living apart?

I'm over being mad, jealous, sad. I can't cry anymore, I've cried enough, I just wanted it ended amicably I wanted to be his friend, but he has RUINED that.

I guess I'm failing to see why it can't still end amicably. If you're really over being upset, or even if you aren't, you can certainly still put this one incident behind you and move on amicably from there. People make mistakes and hurt each other - that's just a fact of life. Those who have a shot at happiness feel the feelings, assess the situation logically and make peace with it and the person who hurt them.

You can either make this more than it is (aka DRAMA!) and hold a grudge or onto the hurt, or you can tell him how you feel about this in a calm, rational manner, forgive and move forward, parting as friends. You can let it eat you up or let it go. It's your choice; no one's making you feel bad or part with bad feelings.

 

[airport]

Get Over Him

Get over him. You are not stupid, you have brains use them. You are being played like an old drum. Listen to the beat ----- he is marching to a different drummer.

There is no worse situation than to be 'just friends' with someone that broke your heart. GET OVER IT.

 

[thetwolezz]

So...in counselor mode...you're saying he screwed you over by deciding your relationship wasn't for him. It probably hurt that he found someone else so quickly. On his part, it doesn't look good.
You must be in a lot of pain...I do not see where having him around will help ease the pain. Maybe you should stop appeasing him...stop expecting him to appease you...and put some space...physically and emotionally...between the two of you.

 

[Sleazy19]

All I can say is that living with your ex (for whatever reason) is very unwise. Honestly, it seems to me you still have feelings for him. I've been there too. Sometimes you think it won't bother you at all to see him with somebody else, but then you do and it hurts. Maybe it's an ego thing or that feeling of ownership we tend to have towards some people like ex boyfriends. But it is very hard to let go.
I guess you need space and you certainly need to be on your own. Seeing him with someone else is NOT going to help you heal and get over him.
I'd suggest you politely ask him to move out as soon as possible. Tell him you need to be alone to figure things out.

Hope that helps.
*hugs*

 

[Noor]

get your car back, and the keys. It was nice of you to let him stay but you needn't extend him the privileges he had as your BF now that he isn't.

I am assuming he is paying rent? Just let let him know when he and all his junk need to be gone, and then change the locks.

Have a symbolic burning of any love letters. If you feel vindictive or wanting to do something stupid to him, just write him name on a price of tape and put it on the bottom of you shoe and stomp it into oblivion.

Also rearrange the furniture. Good Luck! He is only a guy, plenty more where he came from, the world is full of them

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

Thanks everyone for your responses. There's so much more to the story, but it's all over now. He's gone and now I have to heal.

Was my post contradicting? Absolutely. I've been confused for 3 weeks and last night the most confused. Torn, really, between my heart and my head.

He came home shortly after I posted. I was angry and just wanted him out of my site. Mostly because the pain was too great. I was overwhelmed with anger and emotion and I'm an overreacting emotional person, anyway!

It's going to be ok. I want to be his friend. It would hurt me too much to not hear from him at all.

I'm realizing something, tho. I did exactly what I didn't want to do in this relationship. I lost myself inside of him. I became this blob, we were 2 blobs barely living, instead of growing and improving our lives together, we brought each other down. Neither of us we're improving our lives, we just were there. I've been more productive in one day since I got back from taking him to the airport than I have in MONTHS.

WHY Is that? How did I let that happen? HOW did I become all consumed by him? I lost my own identity and now I have to work on getting that back, or actually developing, I hadn't really developed it before meeting him.

I'm too old for that, it's not like I'm 18 and was swooped up by the love of my life and became this googly eyed blob obsessed with her love.

I just lost myself and because of that, neither of us were happy.

We both had goals and we couldn't reach them, being together.

He couldn't live up to my expectations, and that made him feel terrible.

I was losing respect for him, therefore resentment was building.

it's all starting to make sense now.

 

[1sexy_figit]

great to hear that he is finally gone. i know how you feel about the having done more in one day since your ex is now gone. I've been there done that. now it's all you time(not saying that you can't still be hurt about things). Time to go out and remember who you are. Get your friends together and go out. Take pride that you are doing better in one day without him than you did with him.

Stay strong and start living again!!

 

[subwannabe]

Whether you want to admit it or not, you still love him and deep down you really still want to be together with him, even if you realize it is not wise and not a good thing. The best advice I can give you is to listen to your brain and not your heart and get this over as quickly as possible. Cut the cord completely. Don't talk to him anymore, don't see him anymore - no matter where he lives. Start your life over with someone else and don't look back.

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

Whether you want to admit it or not, you still love him and deep down you really still want to be together with him, even if you realize it is not wise and not a good thing. The best advice I can give you is to listen to your brain and not your heart and get this over as quickly as possible. Cut the cord completely. Don't talk to him anymore, don't see him anymore - no matter where he lives. Start your life over with someone else and don't look back.

I'm trying....

The phone isn't ringing....he isn't communicating with me.....I must have looked at my phone 17 times yesterday, less today.....it's all I can do NOT to pick up the phone or send a text.....I'm holding back....I'm trying to distance myself

it's painful

the jealousy hurts

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

Maybe it would help to narrow down what you're really feeling and where that's truly coming from, then attack it logically. For instance, are you feeling angry or betrayed because he didn't keep his word? Has his word usually been good in the past, or has he had a habit of not sticking to the commitments he makes, or making those commitments hastily? Or, might you be feeling hurt and/or jealous because he has a new gf so soon, and/or chose to spend time w/ her over you? If so, is it possible you're not as healed as you previously thought? Does he have a habit of jumping into relationships quickly, issues with being alone, etc.?

How I really feel? Is extremely jealous, It's been hard to let go, let alone trying to let go when I know he's caring about somebody else.

I keep feeling like I could handle it, if only I knew there wasn't someone else involved.

I talked to her, before he left. I didn't want to hate her. She really is an interesting person and I can see why he was so drawn to her, they really are very similar people, even in just the short time I talked to her.

Has he had a habit of not keeping commitments? Absolutely.

Do I feel healed? Hardly.

 

[popcorn2721]

a guy like that, i say throw his stuff outside into the lawn, and tell him go away.

dont forget to set fire to that shit either...lol

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

dont forget to set fire to that shit either...lol

haha, I considered it.

But honestly he didn't deserve it.

 

[w232]

Sounds like he does really, and I'm a guy saying that

Would be good to have a really clean break, I had a problem with a lovely but crazy girl a while back and the only solution to end my pain and jealousy was to completely cut her out of my life and move on. Worked wonders.

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

Sounds like he does really, and I'm a guy saying that

Would be good to have a really clean break, I had a problem with a lovely but crazy girl a while back and the only solution to end my pain and jealousy was to completely cut her out of my life and move on. Worked wonders.

no really, he didn't.....he didn't do anything that wrong....he perhaps, made some decisions that weren't the wisest, but in most cases I overreacted.

We had a huge fight on June 1st after coming home from going out, I was drunk and perhaps that fueled it, but it needed to happen, and I was brutally honest, I was also perhaps emotionally abusive to him, over those next 3 weeks at times. Because I was hurting so bad, I wanted to blame him, I felt like it was all his fault, because of the pain I was having. SOME of it was his fault, but I was at fault, too and mostly it was just we weren't compatible. We had different agendas, we were 2 different people and we were bringing each other down and distracting each other instead of pushing and inspiring each other in the right way.

I really don't want to have regrets and wishes and this and that about the past because that can't be changed, I do know I learned a lot about myself.

He tried to tell me things, at times and I wasn't ready to listen and/or couldn't listen at the time, he was right and very insightful about a lot of things.

My only regret is the things I said to him that probably hurt him more than I realized even tho he was telling me he was hurt too, I didn't believe him.

 

[subwannabe]

I think part of the problem is you realize how imperfect you are, how needy, you are, how overly emotional you are, what little self confidence you have, and how much you think no one else would want you - so you refuse to let go of the relationship. You are very obsessive and even possesive about the whole thing. To you need is love. You need him so badly that you confuse this with love. You don't actually love him, you just need him very badly and don't know what you would do without him so you just keeping on hanging on and on and on and on to the point where you are stifling the relationship and driving him away. It sounds to me like he wants the hell out but cares enough about you that he wants to make it as easy on you as possible. He also doesn't want to feel guilty about it and he doesn't want to think it was his fault if you were to commit suicide due to him leaving. I'm sorry if you took this post the wrong way but you need help from a professional to make your life better, hanging on to him will just continue with the same ole same ole.

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

I think part of the problem is you realize how imperfect you are, how needy, you are, how overly emotional you are, what little self confidence you have, and how much you think no one else would want you - so you refuse to let go of the relationship. You are very obsessive and even possesive about the whole thing. To you need is love. You need him so badly that you confuse this with love. You don't actually love him, you just need him very badly and don't know what you would do without him so you just keeping on hanging on and on and on and on to the point where you are stifling the relationship and driving him away. It sounds to me like he wants the hell out but cares enough about you that he wants to make it as easy on you as possible. He also doesn't want to feel guilty about it and he doesn't want to think it was his fault if you were to commit suicide due to him leaving. I'm sorry if you took this post the wrong way but you need help from a professional to make your life better, hanging on to him will just continue with the same ole same ole.

uhm, some of the things yous said are correct, but perhaps you should read the whole thread, he has left and I have let go...I am seeing a professional.

 

[subwannabe]

I did miss the part about seeing a professional. I think that will help a lot. I did read that he had left but I don't see where you have really let go. Good luck.

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

I did miss the part about seeing a professional. I think that will help a lot. I did read that he had left but I don't see where you have really let go. Good luck.

well, rather, I am trying....


Tonight was definitely a break through....i held back, i wanted so much to call or text him since yesterday actually, and he texted me this afternoon and i didn't respond then he called about 10 this evening and i chose not to answer it, i was actually out with friends.....It felt pretty good

 

[subwannabe]

If it makes you feel any better, he is a bum and you deserve better!

 

[SlickTony]

Having him and his stuff around after you've broken up has nothing to recommend it; all the bad trumps any economic reason for doing this. Cut bait, Bunny, and move on.

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

Having him and his stuff around after you've broken up has nothing to recommend it; all the bad trumps any economic reason for doing this. Cut bait, Bunny, and move on.

none of his stuff, is around, except for his CPU and a couple pair of sweat pants, which I will probably toss if he doesn't send the money for them soon. The only thing he owned was his computer and his clothes, that's it.

and I've moved on, pretty good....

I heard a song the other day that made me sad, but I didn't cry, that's a big step

 

[PowerLifter84]

If it makes you feel any better, he is a bum and you deserve better!

Not to be a dick but no one "deserves" anything; I always hate it when people say that. You get out of life what you put in. Depending on the person and the situation, you can say someone earned or worked for a better situation but nothing should be given to anyone because it was deserved.