Random Non-BDSM Question for Agnostic/Atheist Parents

[intothewoods]

I'm going to ask this on a few of my message boards...and I'm just curious, since this is a varied group.

If you're agnostic or atheist, what did you tell your kids (or will you tell your kids) about what happens when you die?

I consider myself more or less agnostic on the question of whether there's a god, but I gotta say I did not want to tell my kid that nothing happens. Or that so-and-so is dead and that means she's in the ground. I remember my dad telling me that, basically, and it really upset me when I was a little kid! But then I can also see resenting your parents because they told you a lie.

Maybe I could say "I like to think that she's in heaven" - because I would, but then it's not like I know for sure, because I don't. (Always read the fine print, kidlet).

 

[caela]

I don't know what the exact specifics will be but when my daughter gets around to asking me about death I'm thinking I'll be honest with her and tell her that I believe that the spirit goes on somewhere better but that I don't know for certain. I'm pretty openminded about religion in general and want her to grow up to make her own decisions and choices about what belief structure (if any) is right for her.

 

[Netzach]

My mother told me "I don't know, no one knows, some people think you go to heaven some people think everything just stops."

So now I think either of those things depending on how shitty a day I'm having. Or depending which sounds more idyllic. Sometimes the void is a friendly thing, eventually he'll go to college and smoke some weed and read the Tao and it'll be OK.

 

[Homburg]

I haven't crossed that bridge yet. Their grandma did the "in heaven with jesus" line, and the kid in question looked a bit skeptical but didn't argue.

When I get asked, I'll probably natter on a number of different things and confuse the child.

*sigh*

 

[Netzach]

I really really have to say I admire the hell out of my mom for pointing out that she doesn't know and neither does anyone, no matter what they might say.

I think "the truth about the limits of parental knowledge" scare parents more than "the scariness of death" sometimes.

 

[DeservingBitch]

I'm not a parent, and my own parents were/are deeply catholic, but here's what I've been told when my grandmas and grandpa died:

My parents told me that they were with Jesus, and like Jesus, they were still with me, only now in my heart and my mind, rather than physically there.

Maybe it was easier for me to grasp because I was familiar with the idea of Jesus being a presence even though not a physical one.

But it seems to me that the same logic and explanation can be apply while leaving the Jesus part out of it: so-and-so is dead, which means that her/his body is dead, but s/he is still living in your heart and your mind, in the memories you keep of her/him, and when you talk with her/him in your mind.

 

[Chicklet]

If you're agnostic or atheist, what did you tell your kids (or will you tell your kids) about what happens when you die?

My plan (as someone who doesn't have children yet - I say that because it might change when I look into their innocent little eyes) that when we die, we go into the earth and become part of everything around us.

If they ask about a specific person, I'm going to tell them what that person believed (Grandma believed that when she died, she'd go to Heaven and be eternally happy)

 

[Netzach]

My plan (as someone who doesn't have children yet - I say that because it might change when I look into their innocent little eyes) that when we die, we go into the earth and become part of everything around us.

If they ask about a specific person, I'm going to tell them what that person believed (Grandma believed that when she died, she'd go to Heaven and be eternally happy)

I like yours, shit, it even made me feel OK about the whole thing.

 

[caela]

My plan (as someone who doesn't have children yet - I say that because it might change when I look into their innocent little eyes) that when we die, we go into the earth and become part of everything around us.

If they ask about a specific person, I'm going to tell them what that person believed (Grandma believed that when she died, she'd go to Heaven and be eternally happy)

I agree with Netz...I like your idea lol...I may just steal it when Peyton is actually old enough to ask such questions.

 

[minx1]

I don't know what the exact specifics will be but when my daughter gets around to asking me about death I'm thinking I'll be honest with her and tell her that I believe that the spirit goes on somewhere better but that I don't know for certain. I'm pretty openminded about religion in general and want her to grow up to make her own decisions and choices about what belief structure (if any) is right for her.

I don't have children yet, but I think I would like to and I take the same view as Caela in terms of religion.

In terms of what happens again I'd be pretty similar to this I think. I don't know the answer and I think thats ok

 

[intothewoods]

My plan (as someone who doesn't have children yet - I say that because it might change when I look into their innocent little eyes) that when we die, we go into the earth and become part of everything around us.

If they ask about a specific person, I'm going to tell them what that person believed (Grandma believed that when she died, she'd go to Heaven and be eternally happy)

The looking into their innocent little eyes part - that's what happened to me! I guess I didn't have a game plan, but I wasn't expecting such tough questions at this stage.

I like yours, and DB's, and actually everyone's sounds pretty good.

To Netz - man, I'm all about parents are humans and we don't know everything and we make mistakes! Saves my ass every damn time.

I sense that some people believe this, and some people believe that, would not quite have made sense. Although maybe. I think he would have said, what do you believe? And then I could have said, I just don't know. Anyway, I'm sure the topic will come up again.

He's just very focused on this grandma is daddy's mommy, and the family tree. So he's totally thrown by, where's your mommy, mommy.

 

[ThorkelGriersen]

A little late to the discussion, but I hope with something worthwhile.

When kids ask about death, there are always a couple of unspoken questions.

Will I die? When?
What will happen to me?

I don't have any pat answers. The one that I like best is Socrates. He pointed out that while people show concern about where they will be after death, no one is concerned about where he was before birth. Actually, from personal experience I don't think this is true. As a kid I spent a lot of time thinking about where I might have been before I was born. In any case, there is no answer; and maybe that is the answer. Nobody knows.

That hasn't stopped a lot of insecure people from pretending to know.

 

[YourCaptor]

What happens when you die?

We always assume kids are asking what happens according to such and such when we die.

I would suggest answering the question with as little bias as possible.

So something like.

"When we die we reach the end of our life, just like when you where born it started, when you die it ends. If you have friends and family they will usually take care of things for you then, just like we are going to do now for (whoever). Its a sad time when people die because we can't be with them anymore, but we can remember them and love them even though they are dead."

 

[jockdom]

My granny a devout catholic used to scare the crap out of me when I was young with the if I die before I wake prayer before I went to bed! mumbo jumbo if you ask me.

 

[FurryFury]

I've always been straight with my kids that I don't know (I don't much care either) and that no one knows, regardless of what they may say.

I've also told them what I'd sort of like to be the case. We've had some great discussions about death and just about everything else.

People who say the dead person is in heaven to little kids bug me. That tends to lead them to think they sooner they die the sooner they can be with the dead loved one. Such an idea can and has lead to some tragic things.

 

[JMohegan]

I remember watching JFK's funeral procession when I was 5 years old. After the announcer somberly declared, "He's in Heaven now," I asked: "Where's Heaven? And if that's where the president went, then who's in the box?"

My parents gave me an answer similar to the one given by Netzach's mom, but with a longer list of ideas that people had dreamed up (reincarnation, and whatnot). My father was god to me at that age, so his "I don't know" - on a really important subject - was surprising, and more than a bit unsettling.

Nevertheless, none of the possibilities for what happens after death sounded bad at the time, so I stopped worrying about the president and started worrying about how to address the question that scared me the most.

It took me three days to get up the courage to ask, and even then I could only bring myself to address the real issue in a roundabout way. "Who's gonna teach John-John to ride a bike?" At five, that's what I really wanted to know.

 

[intothewoods]

My granny a devout catholic used to scare the crap out of me when I was young with the if I die before I wake prayer before I went to bed! mumbo jumbo if you ask me.

This happened to my friend! And she was also afraid to go to bed. Makes me angry - I could never do that to a child.

I've always been straight with my kids that I don't know (I don't much care either) and that no one knows, regardless of what they may say.

I've also told them what I'd sort of like to be the case. We've had some great discussions about death and just about everything else.

People who say the dead person is in heaven to little kids bug me. That tends to lead them to think they sooner they die the sooner they can be with the dead loved one. Such an idea can and has lead to some tragic things.

Good point about heaven, Fury. I've had that concern before too. I honestly was so taken aback that my 4 year old was asking questions about it, that I just felt this overwhelming thing to say something concrete. And heaven sounds concrete. After reading all of the responses, I think the best answer for a real young kid like mine, is probably that the deceased person is in our memories and hearts.

 

[intothewoods]

I remember watching JFK's funeral procession when I was 5 years old. After the announcer somberly declared, "He's in Heaven now," I asked: "Where's Heaven? And if that's where the president went, then who's in the box?"

My parents gave me an answer similar to the one given by Netzach's mom, but with a longer list of ideas that people had dreamed up (reincarnation, and whatnot). My father was god to me at that age, so his "I don't know" - on a really important subject - was surprising, and more than a bit unsettling.

Nevertheless, none of the possibilities for what happens after death sounded bad at the time, so I stopped worrying about the president and started worrying about how to address the question that scared me the most.

Huh. I found the possibility of nothingness - the only one my dad offered -
totally disturbing. I can remember the conversation vividly to this day.

It took me three days to get up the courage to ask, and even then I could only bring myself to address the real issue in a roundabout way. "Who's gonna teach John-John to ride a bike?" At five, that's what I really wanted to know.

That's so incredibly sweet and touching.

 

[jockdom]

This happened to my friend! And she was also afraid to go to bed. Makes me angry - I could never do that to a child.




Good point about heaven, Fury. I've had that concern before too. I honestly was so taken aback that my 4 year old was asking questions about it, that I just felt this overwhelming thing to say something concrete. And heaven sounds concrete. After reading all of the responses, I think the best answer for a real young kid like mine, is probably that the deceased person is in our memories and hearts.

I think the RC church has a lot to answer for! But I got my revenge when i spewed in the chapel at xmas midnight mass when I was 18 and dead drunk!

 

[intothewoods]

I think the RC church has a lot to answer for! But I got my revenge when i spewed in the chapel at xmas midnight mass when I was 18 and dead drunk!

Oh my.

 

[FurryFury]

When my kids were little and we had a death in the family, I always went to the church that we got married in to borrow from their library, pictures for kids on death, dying, the circle of life and all that. Churches are great community resources, IMO.

I also got books at the public library that dealt with emotions and dying. One of my favorites is The Fall of Freddie the Leaf. It's a gentle and thoughtful way of looking at life cycles.

 

[jockdom]

Oh my.

It was quite a scene! But seriously my ma shes a spiritualist ad she belives her dad (who died when she was 12) watches over her. If that makes her happy who am I to argue with that!

 

[FurryFury]

It was quite a scene! But seriously my ma shes a spiritualist ad she belives her dad (who died when she was 12) watches over her. If that makes her happy who am I to argue with that!

My toxic ex believed something like that too.

I can't get into that but whatever.

 

[jockdom]

My toxic ex believed something like that too.

I can't get into that but whatever.

Sorry I remind you of your toxic ex! Thats the way my ma feels. I belive when we die we get turned into worm food and get recycled. Its through the stories that are told about us and the impressions we make on other people that we shall be remembered!

 

[intothewoods]

When my kids were little and we had a death in the family, I always went to the church that we got married in to borrow from their library, pictures for kids on death, dying, the circle of life and all that. Churches are great community resources, IMO.

I also got books at the public library that dealt with emotions and dying. One of my favorites is The Fall of Freddie the Leaf. It's a gentle and thoughtful way of looking at life cycles.

I need to get a few books. Actually, come to think of it, I have a Jewish lifecycle events book - I should look in that.

Not sure if this matters, but part of the strange timing is that my kid was asking about one of my parents who passed away before my kid was born. He's just starting to understand family relationships, and so he wants to know where this missing person is. This person was so important to me, that I think it was truly hard for me to say, she's nowhere, dead.