Dealing with when i drop the ball

[pink]

i love my Dom very much, i want to be a good sub. i worry about trying to please him and remember everything he's ever told me or instructed me about. i have a bad memory. i'll be honest, i am on prescription medicines that have really messed with my ability to remember. i can't even go back to college because of the effect they have on my ability to memorize or remember what i've read. i haven't talked with him about this because when it comes down to it, it all sounds like an excuse.



How do you deal with communication breakdowns or how do you deal with when you screw up, subs?

 

[unpredictablebijou]

I should think a good dom would make you write a list, or write one for you. If I want someone to please me, I tend to be very clear with them on what I expect, and make sure that they understand how to obey successfully and have the tools to do so.

unless I'm playing mindfuck, that is.

just a thought. Seems like this is a thing you would do well to communicate about so you could get the tools you need to please him successfully.

bijou

 

[BiBunny]

I know this is going to sound flippant, but I swear I don't mean it that way. Teach the man to make a list! You have known memory issues; it won't hurt him to write down what he expects from you so that you have it at hand at all times. Yeah, it'll be a little extra work for him, but it'll create less hassle for both of you in the end.

Both my former Owner and I have some pretty serious ADD issues. ADD, of course, impairs your ability to remember things. When I'd go visit him, I'd get up when he left for work. Once he arrived at work, he'd IM the things he wanted me to have done for him before he got home. Then, I'd tell him have a good day, etc., etc.

He knew he couldn't tell me what to do while we were both half-asleep before he went to work because I'd never remember what I was supposed to do, and he'd likely not remember what he instructed me to do. Also, even though we'd kiss and say our good-byes before he left in the mornings, it was still a pleasant way to connect again before we went about our day. He didn't have to worry about me forgetting to do what he asked, and I didn't have to worry about losing the damned list (yes, I am prone to this) because I knew I could find it again in my IM message archives. It's pretty damned hard to misplace an entire laptop.

It worked for us. Maybe something like that would work for y'all. It all boils down to communication, of course, as does pretty much everything, but people communicate differently

 

[her_soffie]

Both bijou and BiBunny make good sense. I think the important thing to remember is that your Dom/me cares for you, and wants you to succeed if they truly care about you and the relationship.
I'm sure you can work it out if you approach him with an open heart.

 

[pink]

Thanks so much for you help, girls, i'll start a list asap. That will really help me.

 

[JupitersGirl]

You might also want to rethink your decision not to tell him about the affect your meds have on your memory. I understand that you feel it might be construed as an excuse, but on the other hand, he needs to know about it in order to make decisions that will help you be the best you can be ... for him and for you ... an if it's serious enough to keep you from your studies, it's serious enough to affect your relationship.

Best of luck to you.

 

[BiBunny]

You might also want to rethink your decision not to tell him about the affect your meds have on your memory. I understand that you feel it might be construed as an excuse, but on the other hand, he needs to know about it in order to make decisions that will help you be the best you can be ... for him and for you ... an if it's serious enough to keep you from your studies, it's serious enough to affect your relationship.

Best of luck to you.

Exactly. I missed that part in the OP 'cause I'm an idiot.

But, yeah, if the meds are known to cause memory problems, it's not going to look like an excuse. Side effects are side effects, and there's nothing you can do about it. I'm sure your dom will understand.

 

[FurryFury]

There has been some great advice already. The only thing I can add, besides communication being key, try not to "should" yourself to death.

Honestly, I don't practice what I am preaching here well enough, but trust me, you can really mess up a good thing for yourself and for your Dom by too often deciding you are not doing well enough. That really should be for him to decide within the D/s, shouldn't it?

Negatively judging yourself can destroy so many things in your life. The sort of things that could be, okay, good or even great. Ease up. Take care of yourself too. Say kind things to yourself. Listen to them when you do. If you don't work on this you will likely regret it.

*hug*

 

[callinectes]

i love my Dom very much, i want to be a good sub. i worry about trying to please him and remember everything he's ever told me or instructed me about. i have a bad memory. i'll be honest, i am on prescription medicines that have really messed with my ability to remember. i can't even go back to college because of the effect they have on my ability to memorize or remember what i've read. i haven't talked with him about this because when it comes down to it, it all sounds like an excuse.



How do you deal with communication breakdowns or how do you deal with when you screw up, subs?

See bold text above. That is your communication breakdown.

 

[YourCaptor]

i love my Dom very much, i want to be a good sub. i worry about trying to please him and remember everything he's ever told me or instructed me about. i have a bad memory. i'll be honest, i am on prescription medicines that have really messed with my ability to remember. i can't even go back to college because of the effect they have on my ability to memorize or remember what i've read. i haven't talked with him about this because when it comes down to it, it all sounds like an excuse.



How do you deal with communication breakdowns or how do you deal with when you screw up, subs?

Not an excuse, disability. You should tell him so he knows before hand, that way he can take it into consideration so that you don't need to excuse yourself.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I would differ in what has been advised as in get him or teach him to make a list for you...memory loss problems don't prevent you from making that list and if needed asking them to check it over to make sure it is correct. Little things like that...showing an effort to take active responsibility...can go a long way to dispel any nagging concerns you are just making excuses. You could even get a small voice recorder for when he is giving you instructions, so you could be sure to get it right when writing it out.

Catalina

 

[BiBunny]

God knows, if I had to make my own list, I'd forget what I was supposed to put on it.

 

[twysted73]

Looks like you're in good hands.


Slainte'.

 

[SirQittus]

I would differ in what has been advised as in get him or teach him to make a list for you...memory loss problems don't prevent you from making that list and if needed asking them to check it over to make sure it is correct. Little things like that...showing an effort to take active responsibility...can go a long way to dispel any nagging concerns you are just making excuses. You could even get a small voice recorder for when he is giving you instructions, so you could be sure to get it right when writing it out.

Catalina

Might even be worth getting one of these:
http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/electronic/9e59/

And yeah, tell him that you're dealing with some medication side effects, first and foremost.

 

[catalina_francisco]

God knows, if I had to make my own list, I'd forget what I was supposed to put on it.

Simple, do it as it is given to you and as I said, have him check it. Might take a bit extra effort but my way of thinking is it is an effort the sub can make quite easily unless they can't read and write and then any list made by anyone is going to be pointless.

Catalina

 

[pink]

There has been some great advice already. The only thing I can add, besides communication being key, try not to "should" yourself to death.

Honestly, I don't practice what I am preaching here well enough, but trust me, you can really mess up a good thing for yourself and for your Dom by too often deciding you are not doing well enough. That really should be for him to decide within the D/s, shouldn't it?

Negatively judging yourself can destroy so many things in your life. The sort of things that could be, okay, good or even great. Ease up. Take care of yourself too. Say kind things to yourself. Listen to them when you do. If you don't work on this you will likely regret it.

*hug*

Thanks, i am very hard on myself. i need to quit doing that, i will look back at your post many times.
i know he does not expect me to be perfect. He's a good, solid, strong man first and foremost and i love him to pieces.

 

[BiBunny]

Simple, do it as it is given to you and as I said, have him check it. Might take a bit extra effort but my way of thinking is it is an effort the sub can make quite easily unless they can't read and write and then any list made by anyone is going to be pointless.

Catalina

You're right, but I was thinking about how the OP said that she's trying to remember everything he ever told her now. I could do it if I were writing it down as it were being said, but if I were trying to remember something that was mentioned a month ago, I'd never remember.

I still think she needs to tell him, though. I honestly don't see how a side effect of one's medication can be construed as an excuse.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I have epilepsy and am on strong medication. I have good days for memory and really bad ones. Master simply has to work with this. If he can see that I'm doing my best and not trying to exploit my scattiness, he has no issue with my service. I have lists all over the place and Master has been known to write things on my body with a marker pen to ensure I remember them. I also prefer to write things down myself as the act of writing them makes me less likely to forget anything.

Giving your Sir information is not making excuses. If I withheld medical information from Master he would be disappointed in me. It is not my place to judge what he should and shouldn't know.

Explain about your side effects to your D. Keeping this information back could turn into a major issue in time. If he thinks you're not putting effort into service he could get frustrated and disappointed. If you continue to give him a false impression of what you're capable of, you're setting both of you up for dissatisfaction.

I used to get so frustrated about my failings, particularly those that are health related. Like Fury said, I've learned that it's up to Master to decide what is and is not good service. It's up to me to ensure that the decisions he makes regarding me are informed ones. As long as I'm doing the best that I can, Master is always satisfied with what I accomplish.

Another tool we have is text messages. Often Master will check up on me and ask 'have you done x yet?' so that if I've forgotten all about x I still have time to get it done. IM is also handy for this if your guy works in an office. I often check in with Master and tell him what I've been up to. If I omit to mention something he asked me to do, he'll jog my memory.

ETA: If you want someone to commiserate with, my pm box is always open. I SO know how you feel. I often feel so useless when I forget simple instructions because I know I'm an intelligent, articulate person and I hate feeling stupid. These are my issues though and I don't let them cloud my service.