Shutting down who you are

[BeachGurl2]

It's been almost 2 years since I was in a relationship, and in that 2 years I have dated very little. In fact, it's been months since I've dated. I try, on occasion, doing the online dating thing, but I never last very long at it because so many people are just trolling, looking for the next best thing. It's just a medium that doesn't work well for me. And I've been too busy to get out and meet people other ways. So it's just been a long time.

So on to the point of the post. I've noticed lately that certain parts of my personality are sort of shutting down a bit. I've also noticed that I'm not as open, not getting as involved in conversations and such. Not sharing with friends and co-workers as I have in the past. Even just popping into activities for just a short period of time and then leaving because I don't really feel comfortable there.

My manager at work, who happens to also be a good friend, recently pointed out that I had started a new habit of always having my arms crossed in front of me when I'm in groups, which she pointed out makes me seem unapproachable. I hadn't even realized I was doing that. Then another co-worker, who was involved in one of our conversations about it, said it was more a stance of protection than of being unapproachable, in her opinion. That really got me thinking.

Interestingly enough, I've thought a lot about it and realized that I'm in no way depressed. It's not about that. It's not depression. It's just a feeling of being disconnected, shut down emotionally. Not actively pursuing even the simpliest of relationships. A kind of hibernating, if you will. I've always been someone who sort of lives on the fringes of things, never in the center of them. But this seems to have put me even more on the outside than usual. (Even though I drop in here and other online forums that I frequent, I haven't been much of a poster in quite a long time either, so it's not just in my physical reality that this is happening.)

So the question part of all this - probably aimed more at the submissives but open to switches and dominants if you have something to add. When you are without a relationship for a long period of time, do you find yourself shutting down those submissive parts of who you are? Shutting down your emotions in such a way that really puts you on the outside of things? How do you deal with it?

It seems an unhealthy way to live, but I just don't have it in me to keep opening up and being shot down again and again. And I think that I must have hit that wall that says, "you can't emotionally handle it anymore, so the universe is going to wall off those parts of you to protect you." I haven't done it consciously, it just seems to have happened slowly over time. And I didn't even really realize it until my manager pointed out the physical ways it seems to be manifesting. So I wondered if others have done the same thing without conscious thought and how you dealt with it.

 

[Cheshire D]

You aren't the only one, certainly--I do it too, and have done it for a long long time. It is energy draining, yes, but it is a lot more energy draining, in my experience, to continually have to recover from getting shot down.

And it isn't just my submissiveness that gets walled off--it's really the whole part of "more than friendship" relationship...section of my brain. I mean, most people just sort of become potential for merely friends, and only rarely does a thought cross of "S/he might be a good boyfriend/girlfriend." That's not to say my physical attractions turn off, though...it just doesn't go any further than that, usually.

But those parts of my personality do have to come out. Often times it's in fantasy, often times it's role play. Being a hard worker at work, to please my boss....that sort of thing Potentially not very healthy, but better than bottling. I guess that's my way of "dealing with it"...redirecting that energy elsewhere.

Hope that helps.

 

[FurryFury]

Sometimes things happen in life that are so overwhelming that we get numb and shut down. Once you become aware of it, as you have, you can begin to work on the steps to opening up and living again. It won't happen overnight mind you. It takes simple steps but is difficult work.

*HUG*

 

[twysted73]

Just don't start collecting cats. Please.

 

[FurryFury]

But, I likes kitties!

 

[sexikyttn]

Just don't start collecting cats. Please.

Hey now, I love my kitties!!!

Joking aside, I know where you are coming from. I've felt it/been there too.

Call it self-preservation if you will.

Not always good, but sometimes needed. Part of my (our) nature is to please. When unable to do so--or at least in the way we want to--I think we begin to protect ourselves.

No magic answer here, but know that I've been in the same boat.

 

[Noor]

Sometimes things happen in life that are so overwhelming that we get numb and shut down. Once you become aware of it, as you have, you can begin to work on the steps to opening up and living again. It won't happen overnight mind you. It takes simple steps but is difficult work.

*HUG*

Sometimes you can begin again by going through the motions and acting as if you are not shut down, then eventually it becomes real.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi BeachGurl2,

I know you have said that you're not depressed but I do think that this defensive coping mechanism and lack of hope and optimism for the future are symptoms of a mild and quite specific depression.

I know it sucks to be single for a long time and BDSM shrinks the playingfield a lot because to find someone with whom you can have the kind of dynamic you crave, you have to do a lot more searching. I can understand your frustration with online acquaintances and the difficulty in making the transition from online friend to RL potential relationship material.

I think that to give up hope and 'wall yourself off' from the possibility of a romantic relationship is an unhealthy thing to do that will undoubtedly lead to long term discontentment and depression. You have a lot of love to give to the right person and you should never completely shut down and deny any possibility of meeting your soulmate.

Have you been to local munches and other settings where genuine, experienced lifestylers meet and get to know each other? That might prove more productive than weeding out the trolls on sites like collarme.

I also think that there should be a clear distinction in your mind between a reluctance to engage in romance again and a reluctance to engage with anyone at all. Your coworkers and friends are a whole different side to you that you should be cultivating and leaning on where necessary at this difficult time in your life. To shut out romance is one thing, to become distant with everyone is a recipe for real unhappiness.

You do sound to me like you are generally at a very low ebb and that to me says that you are indeed depressed and unmotivated. This lack of motivation and the feelings of disconnection it causes can spiral and you should monitor yourself closely in order to prevent that.

HUG

 

[madetotakeit]

When certain aspects of myself are not stimulated, I shut down as well. It is not a form of depression. I remain the optimistic person that I always am. As with your situation now, I have also gone for years (3 was the longest stretch) without being in a relationship. Granted it was partially self-preservation but it was also lack of the stimulus that I needed. Regardless of the ego boost, the false starts or outright incompatible suitors is draining. The ego boost is temporary, the false starts saddening when you realize someone is yet again not what they appeared. Even if there is a connection and it seems like it could become something, I wait before I put faith in it. The honeymoon phase is wonderful, joyous and causes those smiles that erupt instantaneously. But I never trust it. It takes time to truly get to know someone. Eventually real life filters in and those things that seemed so easily overcome can become insurmountable. I'm a firm believer in the test of time. A few months are not enough time to see someone without the polish that they present. In rare cases it works, but that has not been my experience. I don't invest my heart until I have seen beyond the glimmer.

On the other hand, someone that at first glance may not seem what you are looking for can surprise you. My best relationship was with someone who for months I discounted as a potential. I know what I am looking for, what I would like. If I am not finding it, that drive simply slips back into the further reaches of my mind. It wans until it surprises me when I find myself intrigued by someone and I feel that energy starting to return to my pulse.

I have found that I exert the energy I would put into an emotional relationship into my friendships. I have one friend who receives the bulk of the rewards of this. We jokingly have been referred to as platonic spouses. That's not completely off base. I'm able to express the need to care for someone, cook, create memories, feel an emotional connection with him. He is the one person that I know beyond a doubt I could call at any hour and whatever I needed he would be there.

As for the romantic needs, I have found a way to deal with that as well. I reconnected with the one I spent so many years with. It is long distance and has no hope for lasting long term, but it serves a purpose. We have an understanding. We appreciate it for what it is and put no expectations on it. There is no exclusivity. It will last for as long as it does. Once that aspect is over, there is an incredibly strong friendship that will last until one of us is no longer here. Sometimes you just need to hear someone say, "I love you" and know that it is meant. That there are years of memories and tears that have made it possible. That it is coming from an honest place because it flows without thought from your lips.

Even though I have only fairly recently acknowledged my submissive side I have noticed ebbs and flows in it as well. The desire is there, but like my romantic and sexual drives when it isn't stimulated it subsides. I've been noticing this lately. It's not quite like a feeling of going back to step one, but it is similar. There are so many things that I want to experience, so much I feel I have to offer. It's the outlet that is missing. I am patient and assume that this will be a longer search than a vanilla relationship.

It seems like my words that I had so recently found an ability to express are becoming harder to access because there is nothing inspiring them to come forth. This has been on my mind and bothering me for a couple of weeks now. I notice the absence and I'm not quite sure how to keep them readily available. A couple of nights ago I actually answered a question on a BDSM aspect with simply, "I'll have to reserve judgment until I experience it." I mentally cringed when I read what I had typed. I couldn't put myself in the mindset to give it the consideration I have learned to do. I think that irritated me more than the lack of an outlet, or at least equally so.

 

[FurryFury]

Sometimes you can begin again by going through the motions and acting as if you are not shut down, then eventually it becomes real.

I agree and firmly believe a fake it until you make it attitude can help.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I have been where you are in the past, and I could be again if the need arose. I don't think it is necessarily a conscious decision, nor always able to attribute to one reason for each time it happens. The one factor I have always found seemed to fit me was it was my mind/body/soul's way of taking time out that it needed to heal and feel ready and/or able to function in the world again, whether it be romantically, difficult people/situations, or just dealing with the distance often found in everyday living in these times. That all being said, I also think for me it was an important part of my growth process as a person. It gave me time to be me, and more importantly to just be.

It is popular to believe anyone who doesn't jump at the first opportunity to be in the 'in' crowd, go to parties or out to dinner/drinking, socialise on a regular scale must obviously be depressed. IMHO, the real truth is there are some of us who do not feel a need to be so involved and part of the crowd, and it is not depression, nor that we are difficult to get on with, it is just who we are. F and I are very much that way which is why we live in our own little bubble while those around us keep trying to draw us out, insist we join the frenetic rat race of life...lol, it just is not us and has never been me.

As to the arms folded theories your co-workers have put forward. Hmmm, it mightn't be best to tell them to mind their own business and stop trying to be amateur psychologist, but for me would be tempting. When I was in university, one of my favourite lecturers (and very much an independent thinker and his own man) began a lecture in just that pase as he strolled across the floor talking, then asked people what they thought such a pose would translate to in people they might work and interact with in the future. Of course most popped up with the same suggestions your co-workers put up. He let them talk themselves out then chuckled and asked them why they thought humans were so programmed to follow the definitions of so called body language experts and totally incapable of doing it for any other reason which was totally unrelated to any of the body language theories. The hall fell silent and he went on to point out that people, himself included, might fold their arms for any number of reasons which did not have such negative connotations. Some he pointed out were he was cold; he actually found it more comfortable then having his arms hanging by his side; it was an alternative to sticking his hands in his pockets and having people thinking he was playing with himself (he had a good sense of humour...used to call himself 'Queen of the Fairies'); he was thinking; he was listening to what people had to say; he had arthritis in his wrist and it helped to ease the pain a little; he was bored; he was tired...it was a good exercise in dispelling a lot of what body language says is so when it isn't necessarily remotely close and would be great if more people thought about it and stopped running around analysing people when they haven't really got a clue.

Catalina

 

[BeachGurl2]

Thank you, to all who have PMed me and posted here. I'd like to still hear from others as well, if anyone has anything else to add, but I am going to respond to a few specific comments.

Hi BeachGurl2,
I know you have said that you're not depressed but I do think that this defensive coping mechanism and lack of hope and optimism for the future are symptoms of a mild and quite specific depression.
<snip>
I think that to give up hope and 'wall yourself off' from the possibility of a romantic relationship is an unhealthy thing to do that will undoubtedly lead to long term discontentment and depression. You have a lot of love to give to the right person and you should never completely shut down and deny any possibility of meeting your soulmate.
<snip>
I also think that there should be a clear distinction in your mind between a reluctance to engage in romance again and a reluctance to engage with anyone at all. Your coworkers and friends are a whole different side to you that you should be cultivating and leaning on where necessary at this difficult time in your life. To shut out romance is one thing, to become distant with everyone is a recipe for real unhappiness.

You do sound to me like you are generally at a very low ebb and that to me says that you are indeed depressed and unmotivated. This lack of motivation and the feelings of disconnection it causes can spiral and you should monitor yourself closely in order to prevent that.

I have a history of depression and anxiety disorder, so believe me when I say I fully know the difference. I never said that I had given up hope, nor that I was purposely shutting out romance or other forms of relationships. I also haven't given up on meeting someone. Interestingly enough, I remain a positive, optimistic, happy person. None of that has changed. I'm also not unmotivated. I think that maybe you've misinterpreted some of what I've said. Not every feeling of shutting down is related to depression, and if more psychiatrists understood that, then we wouldn't have so many people unnecessarily medicated walking around.

Have you been to local munches and other settings where genuine, experienced lifestylers meet and get to know each other? That might prove more productive than weeding out the trolls on sites like collarme.

I have, in the past, been a member of APEX, the local dungeon, but most of the munches in the area are scheduled either during my work hours or on Sunday when I'm transporting Bratgirl to and from her dad's for visitation. The scene in Phoenix, as big a city as we are, is very insular and is a bit difficult to break into as they are untrusting - at least the core group is.

I have been where you are in the past, and I could be again if the need arose. I don't think it is necessarily a conscious decision, nor always able to attribute to one reason for each time it happens. The one factor I have always found seemed to fit me was it was my mind/body/soul's way of taking time out that it needed to heal and feel ready and/or able to function in the world again, whether it be romantically, difficult people/situations, or just dealing with the distance often found in everyday living in these times. That all being said, I also think for me it was an important part of my growth process as a person. It gave me time to be me, and more importantly to just be.

I think you could certainly be onto something here, Cat. Maybe it is just my 'body/mind/soul's' way of taking a break. When I've had similar cycles in the past, I've always viewed them this way, this one just seems to be a bit more thorough, for lack of a better term. Intense doesn't really do it justice, but it is stronger than any I've felt in the past.

It is popular to believe anyone who doesn't jump at the first opportunity to be in the 'in' crowd, go to parties or out to dinner/drinking, socialise on a regular scale must obviously be depressed. IMHO, the real truth is there are some of us who do not feel a need to be so involved and part of the crowd, and it is not depression, nor that we are difficult to get on with, it is just who we are.

I wish more people understood this. Rather they see you as depressed, uninterested, or shy. I'm none of those things.

As to the arms folded theories your co-workers have put forward. Hmmm, it mightn't be best to tell them to mind their own business and stop trying to be amateur psychologist, but for me would be tempting.
Catalina

I personally don't put a lot of stock into the body language theories, because every single person is different. Like you, my first inclination was to tell her what to do with her opinion. But she's also my friend, so I heard in her tone a bit of concern as well. Maybe it is a little bit of protectiveness. I'll conceed that point. There's more going on in my life than the being single thing - ongoing court battle with my ex over custody and money, a few financial difficulties, my dad just getting over chemo for cancer, etc. She's aware of all of those things, so I'm sure they added up to her observation. And probably add up to what's going on right now. Having no one to share the burden of all of those things does make it doubly hard to deal, but also to be able to open up and share them.

When certain aspects of myself are not stimulated, I shut down as well. It is not a form of depression. I remain the optimistic person that I always am. As with your situation now, I have also gone for years (3 was the longest stretch) without being in a relationship. Granted it was partially self-preservation but it was also lack of the stimulus that I needed. Regardless of the ego boost, the false starts or outright incompatible suitors is draining. The ego boost is temporary, the false starts saddening when you realize someone is yet again not what they appeared. Even if there is a connection and it seems like it could become something, I wait before I put faith in it. The honeymoon phase is wonderful, joyous and causes those smiles that erupt instantaneously. But I never trust it. It takes time to truly get to know someone. Eventually real life filters in and those things that seemed so easily overcome can become insurmountable. I'm a firm believer in the test of time. A few months are not enough time to see someone without the polish that they present. In rare cases it works, but that has not been my experience. I don't invest my heart until I have seen beyond the glimmer.

On the other hand, someone that at first glance may not seem what you are looking for can surprise you. My best relationship was with someone who for months I discounted as a potential. I know what I am looking for, what I would like. If I am not finding it, that drive simply slips back into the further reaches of my mind. It wans until it surprises me when I find myself intrigued by someone and I feel that energy starting to return to my pulse.
.

I approach any new connection the same way, MTTI. Interestingly enough, while I do have specific things I'm looking for, I approach each meeting with a completely open mind and with the intent that, unless something is totally offputting, future dates/meetings are in order to really know if you may be compatible. I don't believe you can make that decision in a few email/phone exchanges and one face-to-face meeting. Unfortunately, most of the men I meet do believe they know within the first 30 seconds if you're compatible. And because the internet has a pretty girl on every page, there is always something better out there. I've had a few extend into additional dates, but nothing beyond that. Which really isn't that big a deal. If it's not there, it's not there.

I can live quite successfully on my own. Hell, even when I was married, I didn't receive the physical affection or emotional support that everyone needs. So it's not like I'm desperately seeking a relationship. It would be nice to find a companion, someone to spend time with doing things I enjoy, even if BDSM and sex aren't part of the equation. But I've been shot down on that front as well, so I stopped actively looking for that, too.

The issue with friends is that I moved to the city 2 years ago. My friends here are largely from work, married, and live in other parts of the city from me, so getting together for activities isn't easy. I don't have a girl friend close by who I can meet for happy hour or spend an evening just hanging out. My closest friends are several hours away, so we burn up the phone and email, but only get together about once every 3-4 months. And maybe that's the whole problem. Because I don't have someone physically near it has sort of amplified the feelings. I'll have to think about that a bit. This is the first time in my life I haven't had a few close friends living nearby. So maybe that is contributing to the feelings.

You've all given me more to think about. I'm very glad to know I'm not the only one. And I'd like to hear more if anyone is so inclined to share. Thanks!

 

[Etoile]

My sex drive is shut down on a regular basis. My wife just isn't very interested in sex, so I have learned not to want sex. My submissive personality is pretty much shut down too, because I'm not currently in a D/s relationship.

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to shut parts of yourself down. I think it just signifies a change in personality, a change of who you are. I don't believe in people always being who they are...people change, and it's not a bad thing.

 

[rida]

.....

The issue with friends is that I moved to the city 2 years ago. My friends here are largely from work, married, and live in other parts of the city from me, so getting together for activities isn't easy. I don't have a girl friend close by who I can meet for happy hour or spend an evening just hanging out. My closest friends are several hours away, so we burn up the phone and email, but only get together about once every 3-4 months. And maybe that's the whole problem. Because I don't have someone physically near it has sort of amplified the feelings. I'll have to think about that a bit. This is the first time in my life I haven't had a few close friends living nearby. So maybe that is contributing to the feelings.

.....

I'm married so not really in your situation, but wanted to address the big city factor you mentioned.

Because of work, life commitment and the where I live, I too don't really have close friends. As such the part of me that likes to hang out in each other house, even if to share just a beer or a cup of tea, is kind of shut down. It is a sort of self-protective mechanism: when you know you cannot have something, you might as well not want it too much and keep yourself from getting frustrated.

It happened also with sex and emotional closeness in my marriage, when things were not as good as now between us. I just put those needs on hold.

More specific to your situation, it sounds to me like you are taking time to re-group (sorry, another armchair psychologist here ). Don't sweat it, do what you feel like doing, and thank your friends for their concern.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

I didn't know crossing your arms in front of yourself was considered unapproachable... I do that because I usually have no clue what to do with my hands other than to hang them by my sides awkwardly... or because I tend to get chilled easily. ~shrugs~

 

[Sun Tan Guy]

{{{{{{{BG}}}}}}}}} I stumbled on this thread totally by accident and when I saw you started it, I had to read on.... IM a switch and had a very very close female friend about 10 years ago that went through EXACTLY as you describe... I have a lot of thoughts here for ya, and have experienced what you describe also very much first hand. Going to drop ya a PM with a summary of thoughts... In public, my best advice, is to hang in there darlin..when things seem their gloomiest, is when someone will drop into your life and rekindle the flames that make you what you are.. think positive and do try to get out and keep chatting... Sometimes that best new friend can be right in front of you and you dont see them..
xxxxxxxxx STG

 

[BeachGurl2]

{{{{{{{BG}}}}}}}}} I stumbled on this thread totally by accident and when I saw you started it, I had to read on.... IM a switch and had a very very close female friend about 10 years ago that went through EXACTLY as you describe... I have a lot of thoughts here for ya, and have experienced what you describe also very much first hand. Going to drop ya a PM with a summary of thoughts... In public, my best advice, is to hang in there darlin..when things seem their gloomiest, is when someone will drop into your life and rekindle the flames that make you what you are.. think positive and do try to get out and keep chatting... Sometimes that best new friend can be right in front of you and you dont see them..
xxxxxxxxx STG

Thank you for that. I do try to stay positive and optimistic. But sometimes that gets hard to do. I look forward to your PM, sweetie.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I have a history of depression and anxiety disorder, so believe me when I say I fully know the difference. I never said that I had given up hope, nor that I was purposely shutting out romance or other forms of relationships. I also haven't given up on meeting someone. Interestingly enough, I remain a positive, optimistic, happy person. None of that has changed. I'm also not unmotivated. I think that maybe you've misinterpreted some of what I've said. Not every feeling of shutting down is related to depression, and if more psychiatrists understood that, then we wouldn't have so many people unnecessarily medicated walking around.

I have, in the past, been a member of APEX, the local dungeon, but most of the munches in the area are scheduled either during my work hours or on Sunday when I'm transporting Bratgirl to and from her dad's for visitation. The scene in Phoenix, as big a city as we are, is very insular and is a bit difficult to break into as they are untrusting - at least the core group is.

I'm sorry. I didn't check back on this thread until now and I hadn't seen your post. I am sorry I misinterpreted what you wrote and believe me, I am more than happy to be wrong in this instance. Thankfully, I have no ambitions to work in psychiatric care any time soon.

 

[BeachGurl2]

I'm sorry. I didn't check back on this thread until now and I hadn't seen your post. I am sorry I misinterpreted what you wrote and believe me, I am more than happy to be wrong in this instance. Thankfully, I have no ambitions to work in psychiatric care any time soon.

I hear you there! Neither do I. Thanks, Velvet.

 

[satindesire]

Sir is my shield and protector. Without a partner I am vulnerable, and emulate these same characteristics as you in order to shield myself as best I can from the outside world.

I depend on my partners in ways that vanilla or Domme women do not, because they are able to shield themselves adequately.

 

[BeachGurl2]

Sir is my shield and protector. Without a partner I am vulnerable, and emulate these same characteristics as you in order to shield myself as best I can from the outside world.

I depend on my partners in ways that vanilla or Domme women do not, because they are able to shield themselves adequately.

You know, I hadn't thought about it in quite those terms before, satindesire, but I think there is something to what you've said here. The safe haven, the protection. I may have to think about this for a bit because I think that you may be onto something here.

 

[satindesire]

You know, I hadn't thought about it in quite those terms before, satindesire, but I think there is something to what you've said here. The safe haven, the protection. I may have to think about this for a bit because I think that you may be onto something here.

Sir told me that one of the things that made him change his mind about me (when he met me he actually didn't like me at first!) was my vulnerability.

Some people see it as weakness, naiveity, immaturity, perhaps the product of an over-sheltered or spoiled lifestyle. He sees is as a blessing.

I see it as a hindrance to independence, sometimes.

 

[cati]

BeacGurl2...

First I wanted to talk about that crossed arms stance you mentioned. When I am standing around in a group I often do that and I am instantly reminded that I shouldn't do "that" exactly for the reasons you mentioned. Well, I cross my arms for the simple reason that I don't want my arms to just hang there, that feels plain weird. It feels more comfortable to cross my arms and tuck my hands under my arm pits. I'm sure it would look better to others for me to clasp my hands together in front of me, maybe that wouldn't appear so off putting.
IMHO, for one to appear unapproachable or defensive, a person should have a facial expression to go with. I don't think people should jump to conclusions about another's body language so quickly.

OTOH if I were in the Boss's office being reprimanded for something I had or hadn't done, then the crossed arms and the pissed off look on my face would speak volumes.

If you "feel" that you're not depressed, than you likely are not. Sometimes we just need to withdraw and recharge our body's energy. Revitalize, think (not too deeply) about what you really want for yourself..... look at things from a new perspective.

Your need to withdraw socially is just your body's way of saying..."hey gurl I need an "emotional break" from all this BS I'm experiencing lately, how bout taking some time and coming up with a new strategy... cause what ever we're doing is not working so well."

(as you know these are just my personal feelings on the matter, and may not apply to you at all...smiles)

 

[twysted73]

Sir is my shield and protector. Without a partner I am vulnerable, and emulate these same characteristics as you in order to shield myself as best I can from the outside world.

I depend on my partners in ways that vanilla or Domme women do not, because they are able to shield themselves adequately.

I would have to agree with this observation.

The submissive mind being more geared towards a desire and deep seeded need to be part of a dynamic where protection and comfort are the norm.

And how, having a submissive mindset, a lone sub would feel far more exposed and vulnerable both physically and emotionally then would, say, a 'nilla girl.

However.....don't embrace this explination as justification (necessarily) for your feelings.
In other words, don't wallow in it as it'll simply make you less inclined to be as you are which would otherwise attract potentials.
Essentially you'd be self-perpetuating your own situational exclusion.

Natural to feel this way? Undoubtedly.
Natural to remain feeling this way? Certainly not. That takes conscious effort.
Best to use that energy on getting back up on that horse.

 

[BeachGurl2]

BeacGurl2...

First I wanted to talk about that crossed arms stance you mentioned. When I am standing around in a group I often do that and I am instantly reminded that I shouldn't do "that" exactly for the reasons you mentioned. Well, I cross my arms for the simple reason that I don't want my arms to just hang there, that feels plain weird. It feels more comfortable to cross my arms and tuck my hands under my arm pits. I'm sure it would look better to others for me to clasp my hands together in front of me, maybe that wouldn't appear so off putting.
IMHO, for one to appear unapproachable or defensive, a person should have a facial expression to go with. I don't think people should jump to conclusions about another's body language so quickly.

OTOH if I were in the Boss's office being reprimanded for something I had or hadn't done, then the crossed arms and the pissed off look on my face would speak volumes.

If you "feel" that you're not depressed, than you likely are not. Sometimes we just need to withdraw and recharge our body's energy. Revitalize, think (not too deeply) about what you really want for yourself..... look at things from a new perspective.

Your need to withdraw socially is just your body's way of saying..."hey gurl I need an "emotional break" from all this BS I'm experiencing lately, how bout taking some time and coming up with a new strategy... cause what ever we're doing is not working so well."

(as you know these are just my personal feelings on the matter, and may not apply to you at all...smiles)

I think you're actually right on in a lot of ways. The stance is just comfortable for me the same way it is for you. I still do it, but I'm more aware of it when I'm in a more social setting now. And I'm not overly worried about it. Just thought it was an interesting observation and wondered what others thought. I've never put much stock in body language training, just because, as you've mentioned, so many other things come into play like facial expression and tone of voice and eye contact, etc.

As to the rest, I'm leaning in that direction as well. I'm coming to feel it's just my mind's way to get a rest and sort of recoup. Thank you.