Divorced/Separated Support Thread.

[FurryFury]

So, the day after mother's day, and yeah I did something for my wife, regardless of how things are going. A brunch and flowers at the house with the girls.

The day after, today? Court. Today, the child support should be court ordered. That dollar amount will probably be devastating for my wife.

An ugly day, I dont feel good about any of this.

She doesn't deserve you making her Mother's Day a good one for her or your guilt as far as I can tell.

*HUG*

 

[bholderman]

Yeah, but thats me.

 

[FurryFury]

Yeah, but thats me.

*huggles*

At least you own it!

*wink*

 

[intothewoods]

She doesn't deserve you making her Mother's Day a good one for her or your guilt as far as I can tell.

*HUG*

I don't know. Of course I only know what I've read here, and while I think it is despicable to walk out on your kids, I feel like she's more emotionally fucked up than apathetic about the situation. She's created this cycle of shame for herself - bad mother, bad wife, etc. - that she can't seem to get out of. That's why I think Brad shouldn't cater to it, and I think refusing to celebrate Mother's Day would kind of play into it all that. Besides, it's not all about her. It's also about being a good role model for your kids. Mother's Day is important - here's what we do on Mother's Day.

 

[bholderman]

To be honest, when she walked out, she expected to take the kids with her. I put my foot down on that issue and by the time we got to the first family arbitration, she agreed on that point.

But, yes, one of the reasons about "catering" to it is for the girls. They expect to celebrate mother's day, so I more or less "have to." Its either that and look like an evil ogre, which Im not.

I don't know. Of course I only know what I've read here, and while I think it is despicable to walk out on your kids, I feel like she's more emotionally fucked up than apathetic about the situation. She's created this cycle of shame for herself - bad mother, bad wife, etc. - that she can't seem to get out of. That's why I think Brad shouldn't cater to it, and I think refusing to celebrate Mother's Day would kind of play into it all that. Besides, it's not all about her. It's also about being a good role model for your kids. Mother's Day is important - here's what we do on Mother's Day.

 

[intothewoods]

To be honest, when she walked out, she expected to take the kids with her. I put my foot down on that issue and by the time we got to the first family arbitration, she agreed on that point.

But, yes, one of the reasons about "catering" to it is for the girls. They expect to celebrate mother's day, so I more or less "have to." Its either that and look like an evil ogre, which Im not.

I totally support your decision, and think you handled it well.

As for expecting to take the kids, well, you refused and she still left, no? Over my dead body would I move out of the house without my kid. In fact, even with the agreement in place, I still refused-I mean, politely declined to leave what my kid knows as the family residence.

 

[raggedyann]

I know some of us are going through this - your level of comfort as to the details you divulge are to your own level.

Just figured it might be a nice place to have a place where you don't feel so alone.

Or, a place to also trade ideas while going through property settlement.

Maybe even a great place to bitch about how your attorney never calls back? (this is so my world).

I've been going through separation since July of 2006, so over a year and almost a half at this point with no end in sight. We were supposed to go to court November 5th, but that was cancelled.
He wants to settle outside of court, but has this problem with compromise. He doesn't want to do it.

Financially, it's killing me the longer this is drawn out. It's not like I'm asking for the moon either.

I'm just at my wit's end. http://yelims3.free.fr/Grrrrrrrrrrrr/Grrrr33.gif

I was married for a long time, happy for a short time. Now being alone is much better than being together and being lonely

 

[catalina_francisco]

Yeah, but thats me.

I think it's healthy. Holding grudges, playing tit for tat etc., only creates more hurt all round, especially for the children caught in the middle of such warring adults, and rarely has any positive outcomes. I know I always did my best for Father's Day, Christmas, and his birthday....that he chose to walk away from it and eventually make contact impossible still hurt the children, but did not leave me feeling I was part of the reason for their hurt, nor that it had been a waste of effort and time on my behalf to try and ensure he was able to be part of their life and share those special days.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

See, I've never expected anything for Mother's Day and I don't expect my husband to do anything because I'm not his mother.

My attitude has always been, I will do my duty to my mother and grandmother and as a wife. If the kids want to do something great, if not that's okay.

I will NEVER make demands on them about things like this. I will never allow myself to feel that they owe me anything. I will not become a bitter person because I want X from someone or they don't appreciate me. That is not how I work.

OTOH, I don't believe grudges must damage people. I've said it before and I'll say it again, some things are unforgivable.

I do believe parents should look at children as individuals, not part of the parents and should not involve the kids in any hostilities between the two adults.

I've been through divorce as a child and as a parent. It sucks. Treating each other politely and rationally is to be hoped for but seems to be rarely accomplished.

So maybe I'm not as good a person as others but I never felt it was my job to give my ex a happy father's day nor did I ever expect him to give me a happy mother's day. That just never entered my mind.

 

[intothewoods]

Oh, I don't expect a laundry list of things for mother's day either. It is primarily a day manufactured by the greeting card companies et al. I think it's a good thing for kids to learn, to show your appreciation and think about their parents. I always do something for father's day as well.

<snip>I do believe parents should look at children as individuals, not part of the parents and should not involve the kids in any hostilities between the two adults.

I've been through divorce as a child and as a parent. It sucks. Treating each other politely and rationally is to be hoped for but seems to be rarely accomplished.

So maybe I'm not as good a person as others but I never felt it was my job to give my ex a happy father's day nor did I ever expect him to give me a happy mother's day. That just never entered my mind.

I'm sure you do your best, Fury, and your ex sounds like some piece of work. My ex and I get along very well in front of our kid, and decently enough to coparent together. I am lucky in that regard. You had quite a challenge.

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks!

*HUG*

You are right. I did. I wanted things to be amicable but he made that impossible to the point I had to hire people to help with the child hand off due to him trying to fight with me in front of the child.

 

[bholderman]

Thats true, she isnt my mom, but still the girls expect something to be done for her. They wanted to do something nice for mommy. And yeah, so did I, call me a fool.

They did their handmade cards etc, I made brunch they got a good morning with mommy.

That said, the court appearance went ok, my child support will be an official court order sometime this week.

See, I've never expected anything for Mother's Day and I don't expect my husband to do anything because I'm not his mother.

My attitude has always been, I will do my duty to my mother and grandmother and as a wife. If the kids want to do something great, if not that's okay.

I will NEVER make demands on them about things like this. I will never allow myself to feel that they owe me anything. I will not become a bitter person because I want X from someone or they don't appreciate me. That is not how I work.

OTOH, I don't believe grudges must damage people. I've said it before and I'll say it again, some things are unforgivable.

I do believe parents should look at children as individuals, not part of the parents and should not involve the kids in any hostilities between the two adults.

I've been through divorce as a child and as a parent. It sucks. Treating each other politely and rationally is to be hoped for but seems to be rarely accomplished.

So maybe I'm not as good a person as others but I never felt it was my job to give my ex a happy father's day nor did I ever expect him to give me a happy mother's day. That just never entered my mind.

 

[FurryFury]

Thats true, she isnt my mom, but still the girls expect something to be done for her. They wanted to do something nice for mommy. And yeah, so did I, call me a fool.

They did their handmade cards etc, I made brunch they got a good morning with mommy.

That said, the court appearance went ok, my child support will be an official court order sometime this week.

I'm so glad the court appearance went okay and you'll start getting some child support.

As I said, I think you are a better person than I am but I would never call you a fool.

My child never asked to do anything for her bio father. He was so terrible to her that she saw him as her enemy very early on.

He wasn't any sort of functional father at any time in her life.

Our situations are very different.

 

[bholderman]

So, on arriving home, the new court order was in the mail. Attached to it was a child support form ordering wage garnishment of my wife's paycheck.

I dont know really what that means, am I just going to start getting a check in the mail? And how soon? My landlady called today, I was afraid to answer the phone...

Why cant I find that job that puts me over the top so I wouldnt have to think about my wifes money.

And where's my rebate check...?!

Is this the end of the line?

 

[FurryFury]

*HUGS and HUGS*

Bholderman

 

[bholderman]

Ugh, thanks. I hate surviving. I want to thrive.

*HUGS and HUGS*

Bholderman

 

[FurryFury]

Ugh, thanks. I hate surviving. I want to thrive.

Of course you do. I'm sure you will be thriving soon.

 

[SubKekiLee]

Just checking in tonight.. I had a late lunch with mine it was very hard by the time it was time to leave I was crying.. I hate to leave him he looks so sad.. It isnt about love it is about not being able to see eye to eye SIGH... I hate this.. cause I wish we could see eye to eye... It makes me not able to sleep some nights ... I hate it but such is life.. I hope everyone else is okay.. or surviving at least

 

[bholderman]

Thats probably the hardest part, the fact that love still exists. It is the most powerful emotion.

I know its hard, SKL, but I can only send you my best wishes. From what I know, (yeah,Ive been the sad one) is leave that part of himself to him. There are a lot of aspects of himself he needs to find conclusions to, on his own.

But, if you're still in it, dont forget to give a little either...

Just checking in tonight.. I had a late lunch with mine it was very hard by the time it was time to leave I was crying.. I hate to leave him he looks so sad.. It isnt about love it is about not being able to see eye to eye SIGH... I hate this.. cause I wish we could see eye to eye... It makes me not able to sleep some nights ... I hate it but such is life.. I hope everyone else is okay.. or surviving at least

 

[SubKekiLee]

Thats probably the hardest part, the fact that love still exists. It is the most powerful emotion.

I know its hard, SKL, but I can only send you my best wishes. From what I know, (yeah,Ive been the sad one) is leave that part of himself to him. There are a lot of aspects of himself he needs to find conclusions to, on his own.

But, if you're still in it, dont forget to give a little either...

True I awoke this morning to a a email with a song and email with the song attached SOmething to belive in by Poison..made me CRY even harder... I hate it with an email that said Sometimes I wish I didnt know the things I knew to give me something to belive in... Sigh.. I do give I want him to accept me for me andhe cant I keep telling him to not place a scarlet letter on me but he cant help himself.. BUT he does.. Sigh such is life.. I hope your okay B

 

[bholderman]

Im ok, outside of finances. In fact some interesting things are going on. I think we are starting to feel each other out again combined with a temporary truce. Her finances are devastating as well.

And my feelings for her still run terribly deep. Sometimes, I feel like C-. The love is overwhelming but there are certain aspects difficult to live with right now.

We have a therapy appt today, we shall see how it goes.

True I awoke this morning to a a email with a song and email with the song attached SOmething to belive in by Poison..made me CRY even harder... I hate it with an email that said Sometimes I wish I didnt know the things I knew to give me something to belive in... Sigh.. I do give I want him to accept me for me andhe cant I keep telling him to not place a scarlet letter on me but he cant help himself.. BUT he does.. Sigh such is life.. I hope your okay B

 

[_kiana_]

Do things ever go "to plan" when this stuff is happening?

I made up my mind about 6 weeks ago that I'd be leaving my husband. It's been a hard 6 weeks but I wasn't planning on leaving for another two.

But he brought things up last night. That it felt like he was losing me. All I could say was, "You already have."

I'm moving out tonight, at least with the basic toiletry and clothing. I can't bear to stay now. I have a friend who is willing to have me until I can find/afford to go somewhere.

I hate that I've hurt him so much, but he did see it coming. He just didn't want to admit it. I love him so much and just want to make everything better for him. But the fact is that he has taken me for granted for most of our relationship and there is simply nothing left for me in it. I need to do what is best for me.

A friend told me that I'm doing the three hardest things in life all at once. Starting a new job, moving house, and ending a relationship.

I wish they didn't all happen at once.

 

[SubKekiLee]

Do things ever go "to plan" when this stuff is happening?

I made up my mind about 6 weeks ago that I'd be leaving my husband. It's been a hard 6 weeks but I wasn't planning on leaving for another two.

But he brought things up last night. That it felt like he was losing me. All I could say was, "You already have."

I'm moving out tonight, at least with the basic toiletry and clothing. I can't bear to stay now. I have a friend who is willing to have me until I can find/afford to go somewhere.

I hate that I've hurt him so much, but he did see it coming. He just didn't want to admit it. I love him so much and just want to make everything better for him. But the fact is that he has taken me for granted for most of our relationship and there is simply nothing left for me in it. I need to do what is best for me.

A friend told me that I'm doing the three hardest things in life all at once. Starting a new job, moving house, and ending a relationship.

I wish they didn't all happen at once.

{{{{kiana}}}}}}}

Ahhhh I know how you feel I am going thru very similar things.. I didnt leave he did but he chose to leave cause I had chosen to show my real submissive side and he didnt like it... But I am changing jobs, moving and ending a relationship so I feel ya as well.. I am sorry you are going thru this..

 

[sirlancelot2008]

It will get better. Do you need to communicate by phone right now? Tell her to email while you get some breathing space and collect yourself. I strongly recommend counseling.

Sorry, I suck as a handholder. I'm your gal in a crisis, but I tend to approach a crisis like this: close ranks, pull your shit together and do what's best for yourself and your family. At the end of the day, both people have to be in it to win it for the marriage to work. If both parties need to think about it - take space to think about it. If one person is being manipulative, playing games, or worse, abusive, nothing good can come from wringing your hands over it. She will do whatever she wants to do. You can only control yourself.

I finally got back in the hen house. At first I tried to fuck her brains out, and then she said "is this all you want me for?" Damn! I can't win for loosing. I back off a bit. Still some heated conversations, but I decided to campaign with "hugs and kisses" With hugs and kisses everything will work out. Hmmmm......too much hugs and kisses.

Now I find myself trying to figure out who I am. I mean, I might be a loser at love, but other than that I am in good shape. Is 43 too old?

 

[intothewoods]

I finally got back in the hen house. At first I tried to fuck her brains out, and then she said "is this all you want me for?" Damn! I can't win for loosing. I back off a bit. Still some heated conversations, but I decided to campaign with "hugs and kisses" With hugs and kisses everything will work out. Hmmmm......too much hugs and kisses.

Now I find myself trying to figure out who I am. I mean, I might be a loser at love, but other than that I am in good shape. Is 43 too old?

I forgot what her issues with you were, or if you even said, but unless she actually said, you don't fuck my brains out enough, or hug and kiss me enough, then neither of those will address the issues. It's not that I'm dismissing romantic behavior either. You guys have reached a point where, I'm guess, that's just not enough anymore.

You need couples' counseling, from a good counselor who allows both parties to feel heard. If she won't go, go alone. You're never too old to become conscious of yourself and what makes you tick in a relationship.