New story first version

[bisexualsmoker]

Hi

This story is pretty new.I was wondering what anybody thinks of it?
I imagine some people will hate it.Write it off.
Any opinions?
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=361843

Thanks

 

[starrkers]

I was all set to give you feedback, but I stopped reading after a dozen pars - the jargon/slang is too much for me and I got distracted by why the brand of cigarette was important enough to name, figured it was some kind of in-joke. Already floundering in terminology unfamiliar to me, I quit while behind.

sorry.

 

[bisexualsmoker]

jargon/slang and cigarette brand?How could that turn you off?I'm puzzled.
It's quite obvious I have to tweak my material to the
mother, builder, landscaper, repairman market!

 

[freshface]

I made it to the end, but I can't say that I liked it. I didn't understand the dirty bare feet or the cigarettes. Since both of those are turn-offs for me, I didn't think much of them. Simon was the only character in the story that I cared about at all. You made him a little more real by showing how he was changing. I don't like where he's going, but he is going somewhere. I thought it was odd to have Simon as the focus for the first half of the story and then to send him on his way. Karen's flashback really wasn't very interesting to me. I suppose it does establish how depraved Karen is, but I found it kind of icky. Your title suggests that there are more chapters coming. This one read like a couple of snippets.

It's not my type of story, so take these comments for what they're worth.

 

[bisexualsmoker]

I made it to the end, but I can't say that I liked it. I didn't understand the dirty bare feet or the cigarettes. .

They deal with light fetishism,and there ia a whole dare I say "underground" cult
who love these things.Myself I guess I'm pretty normal sexually except for a couple
of light fetish aspects.
As for it suddenly switching to karen,I thought that was a nice turn the way it
did that.Others would disagree like yourself.That's all fine.To each they're own.
It is only the first chapter and it's suposed to develop into more chapters.
Your views have been a great help.
Thanks for your reply!
Any more views and opinions are most helpfull!

 

[where]

I found it a it a bit disjointed, but I liked the style of writing. I think you should get an editor to help with the structure of it. Maybe longer chapters as well.

 

[bisexualsmoker]

I found it a it a bit disjointed, but I liked the style of writing. I think you should get an editor to help with the structure of it. Maybe longer chapters as well.

Hey thanks TrulyRedBeauty.I do recall running into you on another thread where there were other glamorous classy women like yourself and lots of fancy cars and copyright talk,I felt
sort of out of place yet thankfull to be there,I digress....
Disjointed?How?An Editor help?Thats an idea.After all I'm not exactly Hemingway.
Thanks for your help TrulyRedBeauty.I'm taking it all in.

More replies most welcome!

 

[where]

Disjointed?How?An Editor help?Thats an idea.After all I'm not exactly Hemingway.
Thanks for your help TrulyRedBeauty.I'm taking it all in.

More replies most welcome!

Well it seemed to jump a bit. I was expecting more flow. You open with some nice spiky dialogue and tell us that Simon's moved out of the family home and then you tell us again. We don't know where this first bit of dialogue is taking place but then it seems to suddenly switch to a club scene. So maybe a para after '.... Scared of trying anything.'

The last part with Karen really jarred. It needs to go somewhere else in the chapter. They feel too much like vignettes I suppose. And the last line. Seriously, lose it. That sounds like something someone else has said entirely.

An editor would help with that and if they are good, they don't change your 'voice'. They also pick up typos and stuff as well.

 

[bisexualsmoker]

Hey Thanks TrulyRedBeauty
I guess what you're saying is I don't let things develop fully enough.
That it jumps to the Karen part too soon and some how loses focus.
You're right.Not much effort went into writing it but it felt sincere.
You're also right about the last line.Definitly too cliched.My original
line was Karen saying "You have any blow?",instead of "All's well
that ends well."
Maybe I should of stuck with my first choice in depicting the characters as
truly no hope/get high for the moment/anyhow/anyway characters.
I changed the last line debating the cheesiness factor.
Thanks TrulyRedBeauty
If you know any available editors who would help it would be great.
I emailed four of them with not a single reply.

 

[where]

I think finding an ed is hard. I just read some stories I liked and asked the one whose writing I liked most, as opposed to genre. I lucked out and got someone who really knew what he was doing and 'the screen' is much better for it.

You could try asking in the editor's forum

 

[bisexualsmoker]

Well I did get some help actually.It probably wouldn't of been accepted if it wasn't for her help .
She got wierd all of a sudden for no reason though, so she probably won't help in the future
I don't think.
Yes you're right.I'll probably have to look on the editors forum.A great place to visit but....

 

[starrkers]

jargon/slang and cigarette brand?How could that turn you off?I'm puzzled.
It's quite obvious I have to tweak my material to the
mother, builder, landscaper, repairman market!

OK, the slang/jargon thing was different enough from my standard understanding to make me work while reading, pulling me out of the story.

Then I hit the cork tipped Marlboro thing and it immediately pulled me out of the story again - why are the brand and type of smoke important? I don't know...what am I missing? Do I care enough about the characters to keep reading when I'm going to keep hitting stuff I'm not sure if I'll get?

No. Back click.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Sorry, it's not any kind of story.

There is no plot, character development, denouement - or rampant sex.

You need to go back to basics to analyze what you want to achieve in a story.

 

[ellynei]

To me, the story seemed to be written in the style of a satiric comedy.

Am I being strange again?

 

[bisexualsmoker]

Comedy?No.Satire?Perhaps a little bit.There were a few things that made me
chuckle as I wrote them.How well that conveys I don't know.

 

[sr71plt]

It could be an opening of a story, a prologue, but it isn't a story--or even chapter yet, for that matter. So, it isn't something that will do real well being serialized. As a standalone, it doesn't work to start with Simon and switch to Karen without doing anything much with Simon--and throw in all of those other folks as well. As a prologue not detached from the rest, it could work--if the characters introduced are then fully treated later.

The voice is quirky and fresh and all right. There are some readers who won't like it--but some who will welcome it as breezy and different and "devil may care." Lots of problems with commas and spelling (e.g., you're/your) and inconsistencies (Klover/Kover). The jargon's OK if it's carried through consistently into the larger work and the meaning established.

But I wouldn't slap this on a story site all by itself and expect applause, no.

 

[bisexualsmoker]

Thanks sr71plt

That's good advice.I mean Klover and Kover.
That's typical of me.
I guess what I'll try and do is make that existing
chapter the prologue and try to have the next chapter with fewer characters.
Just as soon as I can get on a roll.....

 

[Fatwa_Morgana]

I kind of liked the jargon, and the details like cigarette brands. It made me feel like I was being swept up in a new world, one that I didn't understand. And it had enough of a "real" feeling that I felt it was worth sticking around and trying to understand it. Sort of a chance to discover that new world for myself.

Also, it reminded me of lots of lost souls that I know. Keep it up! Morgana

 

[bisexualsmoker]

Morgana's an angel

Love her new story idea too.Can't wait to read it!

If I had any money,and I never have any....

Well I'm building her a poem instead,much better than money!
For Morgana a true fem poetess Extradanaire .....
Isn't she lovely....