Absolute Trust in Marriage (and other relationships)

[angela146]

In the "clueless men" thread, we got into a discussion along the lines of "how can we trust each other" and "why do women sometimes not say what they mean and make men guess".

Here is a thought, and it really applies to both men and women.

When you marry someone - or enter into some other kind of life-bond with them - one of the things that goes along with that bond is the question of life and death.

Someone, somewhere along the way, may have to make the decision of whether or not to "pull the plug". If you aren't married, it is a decision for the next of kin (parent, brother, child etc.).

But when you marry, your spouse becomes your next of kin. Unless you have a living will or other document to the contrary, your spouse has to decide whether or not to keep you alive or - effectively - kill you.

Would you want to live in this particular situation? You may not be able to communicate. You may have "thought" you knew what you wanted when you talked about it years before in the abstract. But this isn't abstract. It's real.

When it comes right down to it, your spouse has to know your mind and can't just rely on your words. He/she is answerable only to God and to you (if there is an afterlife).

I think that one of the reasons men and women are *verbally* inscrutable to each other in a dating environment is that we need to develop deeper levels of communication. Among other things, we're interviewing the person who may someday have our life in their hands.

And no matter how much we talk about it, talk isn't enough. There has to be a bit of a mind-reading relationship. The different languages of men and women are there to force us to a deeper level, for those times when words won't suffice.

 

[NoJo]

In the "clueless men" thread, we got into a discussion along the lines of "how can we trust each other" and "why do women sometimes not say what they mean and make men guess".

Here is a thought, and it really applies to both men and women.

When you marry someone - or enter into some other kind of life-bond with them - one of the things that goes along with that bond is the question of life and death.

Someone, somewhere along the way, may have to make the decision of whether or not to "pull the plug". If you aren't married, it is a decision for the next of kin (parent, brother, child etc.).

But when you marry, your spouse becomes your next of kin. Unless you have a living will or other document to the contrary, your spouse has to decide whether or not to keep you alive or - effectively - kill you.

Would you want to live in this particular situation? You may not be able to communicate. You may have "thought" you knew what you wanted when you talked about it years before in the abstract. But this isn't abstract. It's real.

When it comes right down to it, your spouse has to know your mind and can't just rely on your words. He/she is answerable only to God and to you (if there is an afterlife).

I think that one of the reasons men and women are *verbally* inscrutable to each other in a dating environment is that we need to develop deeper levels of communication. Among other things, we're interviewing the person who may someday have our life in their hands.

And no matter how much we talk about it, talk isn't enough. There has to be a bit of a mind-reading relationship. The different languages of men and women are there to force us to a deeper level, for those times when words won't suffice.

I'm going to be best man at my oldest friends' wedding next week. Mind if I use your post to get people in the wedding mood?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Pish Posh Angela

Women hint at what they want with questions or multiple choice answers. It's called plausible deniability.

 

[jomar]

I'm going to be best man at my oldest friends' wedding next week. Mind if I use your post to get people in the wedding mood?

Ha!


Interesting thoughts, Angela. I think I understand what you mean about the mind-reading aspect, but from what I've seen it also creates communication/relationship problems.

 

[oggbashan]

If the decision had to be made whether to pull the plug on my life support machine or not I would trust my wife implicitly.

I would also trust any of my daughters, my brother, his wife and his children.

I can't think of any woman that I have been out with that I wouldn't trust with that decision.

Is it because I've been lucky with my relationships? Possibly.

But I think the real reason is that almost anyone faced with that decision, even for a stranger, would think long and hard before deciding.

I think I'd trust any of the regulars in the Author's Hangout with that sort of decision about my life - even those who don't like my politics.

Perhaps because I know that I have to die sometime and I'm past the mid point of my life.

Og

 

[Belegon]

If the decision had to be made whether to pull the plug on my life support machine or not I would trust my wife implicitly.

I would also trust any of my daughters, my brother, his wife and his children.

I can't think of any woman that I have been out with that I wouldn't trust with that decision.

Is it because I've been lucky with my relationships? Possibly.

But I think the real reason is that almost anyone faced with that decision, even for a stranger, would think long and hard before deciding.

I think I'd trust any of the regulars in the Author's Hangout with that sort of decision about my life - even those who don't like my politics.

Perhaps because I know that I have to die sometime and I'm past the mid point of my life.

Og

See, I'd be pushing the docs to get you awake enough to get one more fifty word story and start a contest support thread...

"Damn you! You aren't allowed to die until you start the Halloween thread, beatch!"

 

[FunwithRyleigh]

My husband's father just passed this year and he had a living will, explaining his wishes. He and Mom had discussed both of their wishes with one another before hand.

They thought they were prepared.

However, having just lived through this, let me tell you - you can't be prepared. There are too many factors that you can't plan for. And, his status changed so often- some times looking like he would be fine, other times looking like he was ready to pass. The doctors didn't even agree half the time - some making you feel like you were giving up too soon to even consider such things.

All I can say is - make your wishes VERY CLEAR. It is hell for the people left to make that decision.

 

[impressive]

Legal decision-making ability is huge. HUGE. I *had* to get out of my marriage because of it. I endured -- for years and years -- an apathetic marriage, but when my trust was betrayed, I decided in that moment to get out because I couldn't stand the thought of him with that ability.

 

[Katyusha]

My husband's father just passed this year and he had a living will, explaining his wishes. He and Mom had discussed both of their wishes with one another before hand.

They thought they were prepared.

However, having just lived through this, let me tell you - you can't be prepared. There are too many factors that you can't plan for. And, his status changed so often- some times looking like he would be fine, other times looking like he was ready to pass. The doctors didn't even agree half the time - some making you feel like you were giving up too soon to even consider such things.

All I can say is - make your wishes VERY CLEAR. It is hell for the people left to make that decision.

To everyone who might need to be involved. Your parents, children, siblings, spouse, etc., because they could end up locked in a legal battle over your wishes otherwise. Like the whole thing with Terry Schiavo...I don't want my husband and my parents fighting with each other over something like that because it would just make everything harder on everyone. They're already going through so much pain...problems like this only make it worse.

 

[damppanties]

See, I'd be pushing the docs to get you awake enough to get one more fifty word story and start a contest support thread...

"Damn you! You aren't allowed to die until you start the Halloween thread, beatch!"

I agree. Og's supposed to be in the AH forever.

 

[oggbashan]

I agree. Og's supposed to be in the AH forever.

Sometimes it feels as if I HAVE been here forever.

Og

 

[damppanties]

Sometimes it feels as if I HAVE been here forever.

Og

Then I've been here forever and two months.

 

[NoJo]

Snap!

 

[oggbashan]

Then I've been here forever and two months.

I was lurking as anonymous before I actually signed up.

If I count the time as me and as Jeanne D'Artois and Fag-Ash Lil I'm clocking up three days for every calendar day...

Og

 

[Zeb_Carter]

I have already signed documents, etc., etc. and my wife knows my wishes. On my medical files is stamped in big red letters DNR.

There will be no wasted time on trying to revive me. If I stop breathing or my heart stops beating just let me go in peace, I'll see you all on the other side.

Of what I have know idea.

 

[SeaCat]

OKay here is the Cat's view on this. (You have to remember what kind of floor I work on.)

My wife and I both have Living Wills. We are both Organ Donors as well. Both of us are D.N.R.'s and I have promised my wife that I will pull the plug if need be. (No I don't like to think about this.)

On the other hand we have both seen too much in our medical careers. We have seen peoples lives dragged out because they haven't made these choices. We have seen their lives dragged out as they suffered because of the misguided views of their children and family members.

My wife and I have both faced our own mortality. We both know how slender is the thread. It is because of this we have chosen to live our lives as we do.

Neither of us will go out with the question of what if in our minds. Neither of us will hang around and suffer if our wills are followed.

Cat

 

[OneLustyWench]

One thing we all must face is that men and women are literally hard wired differently in their minds We might say the exact same thing and hear and think different things.

Most people don't talk enough about the real issues that face us. We tend to spend more time discussing what movie to see or what to have for dinner. I don't know how many women friends I have that don't know their husband's passwords to their computer or financial accounts. That is just wrong in this day and age. One friend said she didn't want him to think she didn't trust him. But then again, he should trust her enough and care enough to say, "here are my passwords and here is our financial picture".

I am a big proponent for yours, mine and ours accounts. How can we teach financial security to our children when we close our eyes to the realities we are facing? Amazingly a lot of children grew up thinking you put in a card and you get free money!

The same applies to insurance, living wills and general health. Why are we not willing to talk about the important stuff? I admit I've dragged my feet on the living wills. I know we have discussed it but haven't signed anything. Is it the thought of mortality? Probably, as I don't know how I would live without him(hugs to the fuzzy one). But yes, we do need to get the paperwork signed.

*adds it to the list of upcoming appointments*

 

[matriarch]

I trust Min implicitly with anything and everything to do with my life. We hide nothing from each other. We both spent so many years hiding who and what we were, that having finally found that other special person, there was never any thought of hers and mine. It's all ours. Money, bank accounts, savings accounts, bills, computer passwords......everything is known to each other.

The week following our wedding, we went to a solicitor and drew up wills, and also power of attorney documents. She is fully aware of my desire in the event of a 'pulling the plug' situation, and I of hers. We both know it would probably be the hardest thing to do that either of us will ever have to do, but we also know that we would do it.

Trust is implicit in a successful partnership. Without it, why bother.

 

[sutherngent985]

I didnt have anything in writing with my first 2 wives. However, my girlfriend and I are talking about marriage at some point in the future and I plan to have this talk with her. I recently moved to a new state and am going to find out what I need to do to create both a living will and a DNR. Im already an organ donor. Im wondering...is it possible for someone to hold a power of attorney who isnt a relative?