BiBunny
Moon Queen & Wanderer
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2005
- Posts
- 12,197
We've had several threads about women--Domme, sub, and switch--and feminism here and how it relates to the female BDSM experience. But off the top of my head, I can't think of any that we've had about the male BDSM experience. It's a topic that's been on my mind a lot lately, so I thought I'd see if anybody else was interested.
In both my job and my personal life, I've encountered a ton of men who, for whatever reason, are seriously closeted over their kinks. It transcends sexual orientation (straight, bi, gay, etc) and BDSM orientation (Dom, switch, sub, etc.). I don't mean that they're the kind of people who live D/s or M/s relationships behind closed doors and don't feel the need to tell others outside their relationships about their lives. I'm talking about the ones who really can't even admit to themselves who and what they are and can't accept what it is they truly need.
Now, before anybody points out that this isn't just a male phenomenon, I realize that. I know there are dozens of threads about accepting oneself as a woman and the influence of feminism and such as that. I'm just singling out men this time because I don't think it's been done before here (though I could obviously be wrong about that).
I talk to men every day who have to hide their submissive or dominant (or both) natures from their wives or girlfriends. I talk to men every day who have ended up divorced or perpetually single because they can't just admit to themselves who they are and what they want. There's also a personal element in this that I may or may not reveal later. I want to see how the thread goes first.
Now, while this obviously spans all racial and socioeconomic barriers, the usual suspect is a white middle- to upper-class male. He is usually at least somewhat affluent and in some kind of position of power. He may have come from money and been groomed to run Daddy's company one day, or he may have pulled himself up by the bootstraps and made his own way. Of course, poor men and minority men and even women of all flavors aren't insulated from this, either. It's just that those are the kinds of people I'm exposed to most in my job. (Poor folks don't usually have the money to call phone sex lines.) The one thing all these people have in common is that they're all kinked in some way, and they're all miserable.
I guess what I want to discuss is the whys and wherefores of it all. Is money and/or social acceptance more important than individual happiness? I know in most circles, any sort of deviation from the norm is ridiculed, and I know men (as well as women) are pressured to conform, no matter what. But why is that so powerful? Why is individual choice not a valid option? Why can't these men even admit to themselves what it is they want? Why do they want to conform so badly that they'll make themselves miserable in the process?
I know it's not just a male thing, or an affluent white male thing, at that. Like I said, I realize that it crosses all sorts of racial/cultural/gender/socioeconomic barriers, so you don't have to convince me of that. I would just like to hear about the specific pressures that society puts on men, in particular, and why those pressures have so much hold over them. I'd rather this not devolve into another discussion of feminism, since we've already got a bunch of those discussions, but I understand that it does have a bearing, in some ways.
Women, feel free to run with this, too. I'm just particularly interested in the special "problems" associated with being a kinky man and the overall male BDSM experience and perhaps some insight into the thought processes of those who aren't as accepting of themselves as we are of ourselves. Thanks.
ETA: I know nobody can speak for the entire "male BDSM experience," either. I'm just looking for some particular insight, not sweeping generalizations, and I'm having a hard time wording it.
In both my job and my personal life, I've encountered a ton of men who, for whatever reason, are seriously closeted over their kinks. It transcends sexual orientation (straight, bi, gay, etc) and BDSM orientation (Dom, switch, sub, etc.). I don't mean that they're the kind of people who live D/s or M/s relationships behind closed doors and don't feel the need to tell others outside their relationships about their lives. I'm talking about the ones who really can't even admit to themselves who and what they are and can't accept what it is they truly need.
Now, before anybody points out that this isn't just a male phenomenon, I realize that. I know there are dozens of threads about accepting oneself as a woman and the influence of feminism and such as that. I'm just singling out men this time because I don't think it's been done before here (though I could obviously be wrong about that).
I talk to men every day who have to hide their submissive or dominant (or both) natures from their wives or girlfriends. I talk to men every day who have ended up divorced or perpetually single because they can't just admit to themselves who they are and what they want. There's also a personal element in this that I may or may not reveal later. I want to see how the thread goes first.
Now, while this obviously spans all racial and socioeconomic barriers, the usual suspect is a white middle- to upper-class male. He is usually at least somewhat affluent and in some kind of position of power. He may have come from money and been groomed to run Daddy's company one day, or he may have pulled himself up by the bootstraps and made his own way. Of course, poor men and minority men and even women of all flavors aren't insulated from this, either. It's just that those are the kinds of people I'm exposed to most in my job. (Poor folks don't usually have the money to call phone sex lines.) The one thing all these people have in common is that they're all kinked in some way, and they're all miserable.
I guess what I want to discuss is the whys and wherefores of it all. Is money and/or social acceptance more important than individual happiness? I know in most circles, any sort of deviation from the norm is ridiculed, and I know men (as well as women) are pressured to conform, no matter what. But why is that so powerful? Why is individual choice not a valid option? Why can't these men even admit to themselves what it is they want? Why do they want to conform so badly that they'll make themselves miserable in the process?
I know it's not just a male thing, or an affluent white male thing, at that. Like I said, I realize that it crosses all sorts of racial/cultural/gender/socioeconomic barriers, so you don't have to convince me of that. I would just like to hear about the specific pressures that society puts on men, in particular, and why those pressures have so much hold over them. I'd rather this not devolve into another discussion of feminism, since we've already got a bunch of those discussions, but I understand that it does have a bearing, in some ways.
Women, feel free to run with this, too. I'm just particularly interested in the special "problems" associated with being a kinky man and the overall male BDSM experience and perhaps some insight into the thought processes of those who aren't as accepting of themselves as we are of ourselves. Thanks.
ETA: I know nobody can speak for the entire "male BDSM experience," either. I'm just looking for some particular insight, not sweeping generalizations, and I'm having a hard time wording it.
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