WT: Making It (BDSM; D/s) Work As A Lifestyle

[catalina_francisco]

I noticed there has been no discussion of or starting of a new topic for this week so assumed no-one had volunteered. As such I thought I would start one to keep up the steady flow we have enjoyed...I apologise if anyone else had intended to do it.

As some of us live our choice as a lifestyle, and some hope to in the future, I picked this topic from the list. I am sure most who have tried it will admit it is not something that is without its ups and downs, nor is it always clear in the moment what should be done when you hit a glitch in the smooth, blissful journey. Many will have their own individual choice of how they prefer to deal with any issues, how to make it work, and some of us will have found what worked once may not always work in each situation. Sharing experiences, discussing some of the issues, and learning how each of us from both sides of the whip feel and experience the moment in good times and bad will hopefully lead to a greater understanding for all, both lifestylers and non-lifestylers.

I would hope everyone would feel comfortable positively contributing to the discussion regardless of whether they have experienced it as a lifestyle or not. Perhaps some of the areas we could discuss are :

* What does 'lifestyle' mean to you?

* How do you make the transitition from playing or vanilla to lifestyle?

* What are some of the issues that may take time to adapt to, and why, if relevant? How much time is fair for the adapting or training process?

* For the PYL, where does understanding become a risk of being too understanding?

* Do you prefer to live privately or publicly (clubbing, BDSM socialising etc.) or a little of both?

* Does love make it more difficult or easier, and why?

* What do you do if it becomes obvious it is not working?

Catalina

 

[curiousjen]

Hmmm. Another interesting weekly topic. Good pickin!

I often wonder where in the spectrum I am in terms of BDSM as a lifestyle. I'm certainly very new to it, but in a lot of ways mine and O's relationship has always been very D/s even before i understood it as that. I don't know if you would call us classic 24/7 exactly though, either.

I'll explain our relationship a little, maybe that'll help make things clearer. I have always submitted to Owen, ever since I met him. I have always had an intense desire to serve his needs and make him the happiest man in the world. My needs automatically came second to his, from the little things like what we have for dinner, to bigger things like choosing where we want to live (as we are doing at the moment) But at the same time we are an intensely equal couple, he always asks for my input and we genuinely make decisions together. We don't have a rule that his word is final or anything like that, it just wouldn't work for us, but it often works out that his word is final, if that makes sense, because I naturally yield to his desires. On the other hand, there have been occasions where I have seen that he is just plain wrong about something and I have put my foot down, stuck to my guns and told him so. He has respected me more for that.

I don't call him master, but he is my master. He doesn't really go in for all the trimmings of BDSM, you know the leather and collars and all that. But he does guide me, and I let him discipline me in a way I have never even let my parents come close to doing. I don't mean the spankings and stuff, but the micro management. For example everyday he sets me a list of things I need to do (with my input of course) and there are consequences if those things are not done. I'm making him sound very controlling, but its not like that really, I mean, I have a lot of freedom, he just understands that I'm more happy when I am controlled. And lord knows, i can't control myself- although he is helping me with that too, lol.

I could go into more detail, but I won't for fear of boring people. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we don't define ourselves as 24/7 but we probably are a sort of version of it. Submission and dominance are in our natures, not something we can just turn on and off. It certainly goes beyond the bedroom, but because our D/s relationship evolved naturally outside of the BDSM community, I think it is very different to what many people consider to be 24/7.

This board is the closest I come to being part of a BDSM scene. Our friends know the nature of our relationship up to a certain extent, in that it is very obvious who wears the trousers and has the power, and that i will do almost anything to please him. They haven't always approved!

Love doesn't make D/s easier, for me it makes it possible. The love came first, then the submission. I couldn't do it if i didn't truly love and trust him. For me D/s is a very spiritual thing, and I need to totally believe in my master and to love and cherish him before I let my submissive side show. In a lot of ways, he is my God, and my love overflows for him and rules everything I do. Without love, for me it would all be hollow.

I would love to maybe talk more about this but Owen is home from work soon and I have to finish baking my yummy bread to surprise him when he gets home!

I'll maybe write more later.

Jx

 

[Marquis]

* What does 'lifestyle' mean to you?

I live both the D/s and S&M lifestyle, B&D to a much smaller degree. To me that means that I am committed to being a Dominant and desire to be in relationships with submissives. I want to constantly improve myself as a Dominant by taking more responsibility over my partners and enjoying the power that comes with it.

I also live the lifestyle in that I am always looking to push new sexual boundaries with my partners and that often means more S and more M. This is a lifestyle to me because I can't see myself being with a woman that I couldn't get sadistic with.

* How do you make the transitition from playing or vanilla to lifestyle?

To me this is a commitment issue. When I first opened these doors, I was pretty vanilla with some kinky tendencies. Slowly I realized I wanted to make a lifestyle out of it, dedicate a good portion of my energies to it.

I always scoffed at the leather/latex/collar fetish world of bdsm, but after having stepped into it myself I am understanding things I did not before. I have a magazine (called Marquis ironically) that has a picture series called Black Rubber Dolls. It features women covered head to toe in black latex, buffed like sports cars and doing all sorts of weird things in weird poses. A couple years ago I probably would've found the pictures humorous, but I understand the appeal now. A woman so exposed yet so hidden. In many ways the perfect metaphor for the submissive female.

* What are some of the issues that may take time to adapt to, and why, if relevant? How much time is fair for the adapting or training process?

I think that there is a learning curve that seems to progress in stages. There seem to be timess of insecurity and doubt in both the S&M and D/s aspects of my relationships that are often followed by a deeper commitment and greater satisfaction by everyone. They hold onto something tighter and tighter until finally there is a release which we revel in until the next issue comes up.

I don't set a time limit on issues per se, but I do insist that my subs put effort forward. I demand effort appropriate to the other pressures in their life, but I do expect them to try hard at pleasing me. I try hard at dominating them, so if they weren't trying hard to please me than I must be failing and I can't have that.

Most issues tend to fall into this basic pattern and live by these rules. The general submissive attitude a person starts with is as a unique as a fingerprint, so each one presents a different set of issues.

* For the PYL, where does understanding become a risk of being too understanding?

I think you can never be too understanding, but maybe you can be too sensitive. You gotta be able to step back sometimes and let things go. Think about what's going on and put it in perspective with the relationship.

* Do you prefer to live privately or publicly (clubbing, BDSM socialising etc.) or a little of both?

I go to Fetish clubs.

* Does love make it more difficult or easier, and why?

Both. Just different.

* What do you do if it becomes obvious it is not working?

Just like any other relationship, obviously.

 

[FungiUg]

I'll bow out of this particular discussion, since my lifestyle is by no means BDSM or D/s centric, and nor is it ever likely to be.

However, I shall read with interest. (15% p.a.?)

I will answer one of the questions though:

For me, a lifestyle is about how you focus your life, and there are many ways in which you can describe the same lifestyle. For example, I have a "sendentary lifestyle" (i.e. I don't exercise enough), or I have a very "liberal/liberated" lifestyle (apparently), or... well, I'm sure you get the picture.

Suffice to say that I take the meaning of "lifestyle" to mean any particular emphasis or focus of how I choose to live my life. In this case, BDSM and D/s are "interests", but they are not the focus nor emphasis of my life. I enjoy reading and talking about them, and I get to play (if I am lucky) a couple of times a year maybe. But the rest of the time, I have other interests that take up way more of my time, and other relationships that are not BDSM or D/s related.

 

[YinandYang]

* What does 'lifestyle' mean to you?

* How do you make the transitition from playing or vanilla to lifestyle?

* What are some of the issues that may take time to adapt to, and why, if relevant? How much time is fair for the adapting or training process?

* For the PYL, where does understanding become a risk of being too understanding?

* Do you prefer to live privately or publicly (clubbing, BDSM socialising etc.) or a little of both?

* Does love make it more difficult or easier, and why?

* What do you do if it becomes obvious it is not working?

Catalina

The lifestyle for me is very important. And whilst we are not 24/7 I am (in particular) learning to adapt to someone with a stronger personallity than me. My life so far has been in 'survival mode'....and when i first met my SO I couldn't handle the fact that I could be loved. I almost pushed him away. At that time I saw love as another controlling aspect, something I craved so much, but feared too. He is naturally dominant by nature, whereas, I am strong on the outside but weak in the middle. As a consequense its been an interesting mixture that has formed the basis for our relationship. Aspects are slowly creeping in that scream 24/7...and I have to say..I love it! I could see us eventually going the whole way, something I think would happen over time, and not as in making a conscious decision over.

I think the major issue for us at the moment is lack of experience on both our parts. Even though we have read, discussed and perused I think the whole thing must come gradually at our own pace of learning. To change the rules so abruptly would also unerve the kids (and me lol). We have no expectations, and really are just going with our own flow. As for the training period, well we are kind of training each other

Our BDSM aspect is private, we both live in a small village (the same one), and I think if we went public we would get burnt at the stake lol. The nearest city to us does stage parties (munches?), but I don't think we would be going in a hurry. We see this aspect of us as completely sacred, its more than physical sensation, its spiritual.

We never really made a transition from nilla to BDSM, I kind of took the bull by the horns and just came out with it. It is something I couldn't have hidden anyway. If we were to make it as a couple, then honesty had to come first. I must have had my BDSM antenae on because he soon showed his sadistic streak, which he admitted had always been simmering on the surface. (makes me wonder if actually everybody has BDSM inclinations to some degree).

Love makes it so damn easier, in fact I find it more open in a relationship sense, there is nothing that is hidden. The deepness of it, makes it easier for us to trust, the effort involved in playing means we will never get lazy in giving ourselves to each other. The excitement is paramount too. Every nilla relationship I had, doesnt even come close to the in touch feelings I feel with my SO.

And if it stops working? Hmmm right now I hope that never happens, but if it does I think our open attitude to everything will steer us in the right direction

So...whilst not completely 24/7....I am open enough to the possibility.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hmmm. Another interesting weekly topic. Good pickin!



I don't call him master, but he is my master. He doesn't really go in for all the trimmings of BDSM, you know the leather and collars and all that. But he does guide me, and I let him discipline me in a way I have never even let my parents come close to doing.

The trimmings are just symbols of what the reality is. They can never glue together something that does not exist. It sounds as if what you have is a very committed relationship which consists of many elements essential to maintaining and recognising a D/s relationship, and more importantly, in a way which works for you both.

I could go into more detail, but I won't for fear of boring people. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we don't define ourselves as 24/7 but we probably are a sort of version of it. Submission and dominance are in our natures, not something we can just turn on and off. It certainly goes beyond the bedroom, but because our D/s relationship evolved naturally outside of the BDSM community, I think it is very different to what many people consider to be 24/7.

I think there are many misconceptions about what constitutes 24/7. There seems to be an image that to be 24/7 means that the overt signs such as physical punishment, verbal commands etc., are taking place at every moment of the day and night. The reality is IMHO, as you say, what underlies your everyday life, the terms of your relationship, the roles each of you assume, and the commtiment you find in living that reality. As you say, it is not something which is turned on and off at whim, not even over time consciously thought about in defined terms, it just is how you live day to day and does move outside the bedroom. Perhaps part of the misconceptions come from trying to understand 24/7 from a bedroom D/s perspective where particular roles are assumed for a set time and place, then shut off when the door opens and the particitpants step back into the outside world and everyday life. I also think many misinterpret it and/or find it hard to believe or understand because they see it as it is portrayed in porn and fiction....something that would require super beings to be able to maintain and survive it....LOL, no chance of sleep, work, or leisure!!

Love doesn't make D/s easier, for me it makes it possible. The love came first, then the submission. I couldn't do it if i didn't truly love and trust him. For me D/s is a very spiritual thing, and I need to totally believe in my master and to love and cherish him before I let my submissive side show.

For many this is true. I know for me I was able to play and experiment with people I trusted, but to submit totally and to the depths of my soul I needed to be in a relationship where love transcended and as part of that love, trust was paramount on both sides. I was fortunate to have found what I was seeking. It is the love which guides both of us through the tougher challenges of our D/s and life. There is no other feeling I can compare it to.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

I live both the D/s and S&M lifestyle, B&D to a much smaller degree. To me that means that I am committed to being a Dominant and desire to be in relationships with submissives. I want to constantly improve myself as a Dominant by taking more responsibility over my partners and enjoying the power that comes with it.

I also live the lifestyle in that I am always looking to push new sexual boundaries with my partners and that often means more S and more M. This is a lifestyle to me because I can't see myself being with a woman that I couldn't get sadistic with.

So true. You are fortunate to have come to this realisation so early in life. Took me awhile and lots of good, but very lacking relationships, to realise what it was that always seemed to be missing. Once I did I didn't see the sense anymore in trying to make vanilla partners work for me, and went looking for what it was I needed as much as the air I breath. Life without SM and D/s would be a torture all of its own, but not the pleasant kind.


To me this is a commitment issue. When I first opened these doors, I was pretty vanilla with some kinky tendencies. Slowly I realized I wanted to make a lifestyle out of it, dedicate a good portion of my energies to it.

For many of us it takes that moment of openly admitting what it is we need to get us motivated enough to pursue it instead of dabbling and hoping it finds us through vanilla channels. IMHO It is a commitment we make to allow ourselves to be happy and accept who we are, as well as a commitment to another/others to be authentic.

I always scoffed at the leather/latex/collar fetish world of bdsm, but after having stepped into it myself I am understanding things I did not before. I have a magazine (called Marquis ironically) that has a picture series called Black Rubber Dolls. It features women covered head to toe in black latex, buffed like sports cars and doing all sorts of weird things in weird poses. A couple years ago I probably would've found the pictures humorous, but I understand the appeal now. A woman so exposed yet so hidden. In many ways the perfect metaphor for the submissive female.

Great metaphor!! As you say, it takes time to relate to the fetishes of others and at times to allow ourselves to open up enough to examine or admit they can also be appealing to us or not. Being raised in a mainstream society, even if it our lives have had unexpected bumps along the way, still conditions us to shut ourselves off from those things we know are not going to be openly accepted by that society. It does not always manifest in every area, but those conditioning lessons are often embedded deep without our knowledge.

I think that there is a learning curve that seems to progress in stages. There seem to be timess of insecurity and doubt in both the S&M and D/s aspects of my relationships that are often followed by a deeper commitment and greater satisfaction by everyone. They hold onto something tighter and tighter until finally there is a release which we revel in until the next issue comes up.

It is as I have found it. I don't think that curve ever reaches an end because we continue to evolve as people and as such, that effects how we experience and perceive things, not to mention our tastes. It is an incredible journey for those who desire to take it.

I don't set a time limit on issues per se, but I do insist that my subs put effort forward. I demand effort appropriate to the other pressures in their life, but I do expect them to try hard at pleasing me. I try hard at dominating them, so if they weren't trying hard to please me than I must be failing and I can't have that.

Most issues tend to fall into this basic pattern and live by these rules. The general submissive attitude a person starts with is as a unique as a fingerprint, so each one presents a different set of issues.

Wise words. Dominants can often fall into the trap of believing their power is so omnipotent they can just demand a submissive get over a particular issue, and it will be so....not very realistic unless the submissive is a programmed robot without feelings, thoughts, and needs of their own. As you say, the responsibility to make it work lies with both Dominant and submissive, not one or the other...and a shared desire to live the lifestyle they have chosen.

I think you can never be too understanding, but maybe you can be too sensitive. You gotta be able to step back sometimes and let things go. Think about what's going on and put it in perspective with the relationship.

Again wise words. We are all human and though we may know our partner very well, there is always going to be moments when all that has gone before, what has been learned about the other, may not apply in the way it might be expected to. We are human, we are fallible, we do at times go with our hearts more than our heads...knowing how to balance the two is sometimes difficult.


Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'll bow out of this particular discussion, since my lifestyle is by no means BDSM or D/s centric, and nor is it ever likely to be.

However, I shall read with interest. (15% p.a.?)

I will answer one of the questions though:

For me, a lifestyle is about how you focus your life, and there are many ways in which you can describe the same lifestyle. For example, I have a "sendentary lifestyle" (i.e. I don't exercise enough), or I have a very "liberal/liberated" lifestyle (apparently), or... well, I'm sure you get the picture.

Suffice to say that I take the meaning of "lifestyle" to mean any particular emphasis or focus of how I choose to live my life. In this case, BDSM and D/s are "interests", but they are not the focus nor emphasis of my life. I enjoy reading and talking about them, and I get to play (if I am lucky) a couple of times a year maybe. But the rest of the time, I have other interests that take up way more of my time, and other relationships that are not BDSM or D/s related.

Thanks for the input FungiUg. You are right, there are many ways to describe our lifestyles, often dependant on the context and environment in which we are at a particular time. I admire your ability to live your life and also pursue your D/s desires when time and circumstance permits. You are fortunate to have a partner who understands and is often right there beside you in those special moments.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

The lifestyle for me is very important. And whilst we are not 24/7 I am (in particular) learning to adapt to someone with a stronger personallity than me.

Oh, I can empathise. It can be a difficult thing to navigate through and come to terms with.

My life so far has been in 'survival mode'....and when i first met my SO I couldn't handle the fact that I could be loved. I almost pushed him away. At that time I saw love as another controlling aspect, something I craved so much, but feared too.

It is difficult to open up that part of ourselves which makes us vulnerable and seemingly more exposed than ever before, especially when we have gone through a few trials and had to survive alone and on our own decisions and wits.

He is naturally dominant by nature, whereas, I am strong on the outside but weak in the middle. As a consequense its been an interesting mixture that has formed the basis for our relationship. Aspects are slowly creeping in that scream 24/7...and I have to say..I love it! I could see us eventually going the whole way, something I think would happen over time, and not as in making a conscious decision over.

LOL, sounds like you are enjoying every moment and have found someone who complements you as you do him.

I think the major issue for us at the moment is lack of experience on both our parts. Even though we have read, discussed and perused I think the whole thing must come gradually at our own pace of learning. To change the rules so abruptly would also unerve the kids (and me lol). We have no expectations, and really are just going with our own flow. As for the training period, well we are kind of training each other

Sounds very realistic to me. No-one else can tell you what is right for you, it is something you both need to discover for yourselves and together. Even if you had vast experience in D/s, this relationship could not be built on the rules of a previous one either of you were in as you are 2 individuals whose unique blend demands a unique formula just right for you as a couple. Add to that children are an issue you have to consider, and it requires care and caution before jumping in all foours so to speak.

Our BDSM aspect is private, we both live in a small village (the same one), and I think if we went public we would get burnt at the stake lol. The nearest city to us does stage parties (munches?), but I don't think we would be going in a hurry. We see this aspect of us as completely sacred, its more than physical sensation, its spiritual.

A great foundation for any realtionship. I think munches and such may have their place as in providing friends who you can relate to in a D/s sense, perhaps gaining knolwedge through workshops, but they do not IMHO provide a necessary element for a relationsip. Francisco has been to munches and parties etc., before, but since we have been together he has not bothered and I have never attended either a party or munch....we live our life privately in the way which fits us.

We never really made a transition from nilla to BDSM, I kind of took the bull by the horns and just came out with it. It is something I couldn't have hidden anyway. If we were to make it as a couple, then honesty had to come first. I must have had my BDSM antenae on because he soon showed his sadistic streak, which he admitted had always been simmering on the surface. (makes me wonder if actually everybody has BDSM inclinations to some degree).

LOL, would be nice to think they do but I don't really think so...perhaps it is more when we meet the right person, our natural instincts come our because we know it is safe to allow them to flourish. Honesty within ourselves and with partners is a must if things are to survive and both are to have their needs met.

Love makes it so damn easier, in fact I find it more open in a relationship sense, there is nothing that is hidden. The deepness of it, makes it easier for us to trust, the effort involved in playing means we will never get lazy in giving ourselves to each other. The excitement is paramount too. Every nilla relationship I had, doesnt even come close to the in touch feelings I feel with my SO.

Love has its own magic. I do think at times in certain circumstances it can become an obstacle, but then can be rectified with communicating about the issues being faced and supporting each other in the path you have chosen. For us, love makes it possible to be open, to speak about our fears and concerns to each other, and finding a way to deal with any issues that do or may arise.

And if it stops working? Hmmm right now I hope that never happens, but if it does I think our open attitude to everything will steer us in the right direction

If it does, communicate with each other and see if there is a reason. It may happen you may not know the reason and at that time the love you share and the bond you have established will more often than not work in your favour to get you through the bumps together. We are human and we have lived a life up to this point, so it is possible that sometimes those factors place ripples on the ordinarily smooth surface of the pond we live in whether we want them to or even conciously are aware of them.....it can be survived and returned to its former serenity though with a lot of patience and understanding, not to mention love and commitment.

So...whilst not completely 24/7....I am open enough to the possibility.

I hope your journey leads you both where you hope to be.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Bump to ask if anyone is willing to introduce next week's WT on Sunday?

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm sure we have more people here now who might wish to add to this topic...no obligation though.

 

[EmpressFi]

* What does 'lifestyle' mean to you?

It means embracing whatever constitutes BDSM for you and your partner(s) and living who you are.


* How do you make the transitition from playing or vanilla to lifestyle?

My transition is different because not only did we go from vanilla (ok.. vanilla swirled with chocolatey goodness) to chocolate, we also went from monogamous to polyamorous all at the same time.

The how-to? Communication ~ lots of it. From the time our friend told us how she and her husband lived, that seed was planted and we wondered if we could make it work. My first relationship aside from Malin was just a one time thing and wasnt BDSM at all. But my relationship with Master has been BDSM from the first, sexual second and has turned into what it is over the year we've been together.

* What are some of the issues that may take time to adapt to, and why, if relevant? How much time is fair for the adapting or training process?

For me, I've always wanted to do whatever I had to do to make someone like me. So having to defer my needs and wants to make someone happy, seemed natural. However, for us, the adjustment was in realizing that we had Malin's feelings to consider too.

* For the PYL, where does understanding become a risk of being too understanding?

I'm the pyl. But I dont believe you can become too understanding. Maybe too sympathetic in that the pyl actually controls things from the bottom. But I dont think anyone can be too understanding.

* Do you prefer to live privately or publicly (clubbing, BDSM socialising etc.) or a little of both?

I was collared in a club here (now closed) in Philly and I surprised everyone by seeming to feel comfortable there. Right now though, we're private with a few of our trusted friends knowing what we do, who we are. We're all part of a gaming board and I'd LOVE to be able to tell everyone how much I love Master and I know at times he gets very possessive as other friends flirt with me. But he doesnt want anyone thinking poorly of me or Malin (in that he's not man enough to satisfy me so I had to get another man to do it mindset). I find it funny that most can understand and accept a BDSM lifestyle and even incorporate it into their roleplay... but cannot accept polyamory.

My family would not or could not accept it, just as Malin's family would have a fit probably. Master's family wouldnt understand it either, but he does want me to meet them.

* Does love make it more difficult or easier, and why?

I'm with Marquis (I think it was him) on this one. Both. Love makes it .. better .. but also makes it more difficult for Master and I because we want to be together more and he lives far away.
Plus, there's the love I have for Malin that both helps the relationship and is hard because I dont want to hurt him with anything we do or say.

* What do you do if it becomes obvious it is not working?

I guess if it were obviously not working, then we'd have to talk and re-evaluate if we want to try and salvage it or end things.

 

[Homburg]

* What does 'lifestyle' mean to you?

It means that I am engaged in this. I recognise that my interest in, and handling of, sexual congress is coloured by BDSM. Those elements had better be there, at some level, for me to completely enjoy the act.

* How do you make the transitition from playing or vanilla to lifestyle?

Eh, it's fluid. For some, it is mental/emotional. For others, it is the amount of time they put into it in a given day/week/etc.

* What are some of the issues that may take time to adapt to, and why, if relevant? How much time is fair for the adapting or training process?

I had to work to get comfortable with my sadism. Timeframe is meaningless, as each person will have their own issues to handle. In my case it took a few years.

* For the PYL, where does understanding become a risk of being too understanding?

No such thing. The is too much sympathy, as Marquis said. I don't want to be in a situation where I feel like I do not understand what is going on with a given bottom, and have it not bother me.

* Do you prefer to live privately or publicly (clubbing, BDSM socialising etc.) or a little of both?

Both. They're different experiences in many ways.

* Does love make it more difficult or easier, and why?

Easier. There are things I will not do for/to someone I do not love. There is a level of emotional involvement that I cannot reach without love.

* What do you do if it becomes obvious it is not working?

Depends. If it is in private, I will simply stop the scene and reevaluate. If it is in public, it depends on how badly it is not working. Public is a show. We are performing. If it isn't not necessarily working for me, but I feel like the audience is digging on it, I'll continue. I'll soldier through a lackluster experience if I feel like I can still make a good show out of it.

 

[Netzach]

* What does 'lifestyle' mean to you?

It means that SMBD is a priority in our lives, a high level priority item. It's part of how we identify, it's a demographic of which we're a part.

* How do you make the transitition from playing or vanilla to lifestyle?

For me, it was about my choice of partner - my unwillingness to be with someone as a primary partner, with whom I spend most of my life, unless they meshed in some way with my power polarity and my SM interests - how that would happen wasn't really etched in stone, but I had a general sense of desires in a partner.

* What are some of the issues that may take time to adapt to, and why, if relevant? How much time is fair for the adapting or training process?

Learning is forever, man. Or else why get up in the morning?
As for *willingness to defer to me in general* I wasn't willing to entertain a relationship without that there. I'm fine with that refining and growing and ebbing and flowing.

* For the PYL, where does understanding become a risk of being too understanding?

Got me.

* Do you prefer to live privately or publicly (clubbing, BDSM socialising etc.) or a little of both?

Fluctuates. We're in a private stage at the moment.

* Does love make it more difficult or easier, and why?

Far harder. And more worth doing.

* What do you do if it becomes obvious it is not working?

Talk. Sometimes consensus has to be reached, sometimes consent has to be gained sometimes will has to be enforced. I imagine if the rel. really stopped working I'd wish him well and move on, but I don't anticipate that.

 

[FungiUg]

I'm sure we have more people here now who might wish to add to this topic...no obligation though.

Good bump.

 

[Homburg]

* Does love make it more difficult or easier, and why?

Far harder. And more worth doing.

Interestingly, I think we are using the opposite answer, but saying the same thing. I find it easier with love, as I am more motivated, more willing. As you say, it is more worth doing. while the individual steps and acts may be more complex and difficult because of love, the decision to do them is easier for me. Thus I consider it easier overall.

And, in this case, I am specifically referring to lifestyle.

 

[intothewoods]

* What does 'lifestyle' mean to you?

Lifestyle doesn't make much sense to me anymore. I'm just living my life. I guess I don't get it as a construct, unless the idea is pure s and m versus D/s. If D/s is part of your relationship, it doesn't just turn off. It's just somewhat fluid.

* How do you make the transitition from playing or vanilla to lifestyle?

My close friends know about my kink, or something of it. Those who don't need to know do not, including my kid. It's simply about privacy. Privacy is different from secrecy and shame, btw.

* What are some of the issues that may take time to adapt to, and why, if relevant? How much time is fair for the adapting or training process?

So many, but I think it mostly comes down to accepting yourself. As a pyl, I gravitated to learning from certain Doms, and the challenge there is that my desire to please and "land" somewhere was so strong that I often forgot to pul back and think about what I wanted. It doesn't help that some Doms are so confident, they give their opinion on this or that without any personal experience. You really have to pull your head out of the clouds and say, wait a minute, who is this person, what do they want here, and what do I want?

I think it's been really helpful for me to be with a PYL at the moment who isn't into training or molding me into something. It's just not his bag. I'm not saying that type of Dom isn't great for some people, just not for me and where I'm at right now in my kink. Although I really fell hard for a fantasy of training and that sort of Pygmalion/My Fair Lady thing, I don't know that it's a reality I could live. Right now it's a reality that makes me want to upchuck, but that's sort of another story.

I guess if lifestyle means one spends 24 hours a day focused on a PYL, I can't do that, and I don't want to do that. I'm 33 years old, and am a professional growing in my career and a mother. I'm very engaged in everything that I do - it's impossible for me to imagine being completely focused on a man all day long. Again, I like fluidity and varying levels of intensity. It works for me.

* For the PYL, where does understanding become a risk of being too understanding?

I think both pyl and PYL are responsible for expressing their needs.

* Do you prefer to live privately or publicly (clubbing, BDSM socialising etc.) or a little of both?

Still working on that! My PYL perfers privately. I love all kinds of socializing - as to the play in public, I just don't know right now. Do I need it? Or is it a holyshitboyslikeme(and girls too) rock out with my cock out thing. I dunno.

* Does love make it more difficult or easier, and why?
I don't know. Ultimately I do want a partner, so I suppose it makes it easier. Weirdly, I know there is something very comforting about the fact that Mister Man doesn't want to play publicly. Well, let me take it back - distinction, for me, between public sex and more toppy s and m stuff. I don't want to make babies with someone who wants to fuck in public. I couldn't handle it. But I like some of the public s and m stuff. Eh, I think it's just one of those things you have to get on the same page about.

* What do you do if it becomes obvious it is not working?

Well, this is my first real life bdsm relationship. I have recently said that he and I need to slow down on the marriage/baby talk, and he totally agreed. I'm about six months separated - and I am dealing with shit. But that's different than completely not working.

In my romantic life historically, I haven't done well in speaking up when something is not working. Even with the onlinedom, I was afraid to say, no, enough. Really sucky. I'm not proud of this. I am proud of myself that I was able tosay to Mister Man, look, I have a history of falling too fast. I don't want to do that. I need to grieve my marriage, I need to think about what I want. As Netz once said here to me, sometimes you have to disappoint people. Yeah, I have to not be afraid to disappoint people. I have to learn not to be so afraid of a lot of things.

 

[snowbyte]

Up until now, I've been in traditional relationships with some BDSM on the side. I'm now making the transition from scene-based BDSM to lifestyle BDSM. Lots of introspection going on, etc... It's a different mindset. Suprisingly, the most difficult problem I am having thus far is having a sub that is submissive outside of scenes. This relationship started out as strictly scene-based BDSM, but eventually love entered into it. That's the moment the transition to lifestyle BDSM began for us.

 

[sexycaz22]

An very interesting thread, quite a lot to think about. I certainly will be back to answer the questions.

Thank you, Cat, for bumping this thread up.

 

[00Syd]

I'm not very experienced [some would probably say not at all experienced] but will give answering some of these questions a go. This is a great thread, some peoples answers were very insightful. Hopefully more people will contribute.

* What does 'lifestyle' mean to you?

-It means the possibility of finally feeling right.


* How do you make the transitition from playing or vanilla to lifestyle?

- I'm currently trying to make the transition. I'm in a mostly [I'm sure come people would say completely] vanilla relationship, and not quite ready to make a clean break yet. I've been testing the waters with my open-minded bf and am happy with it as is. I'm getting to the point where I know I'll need to delve further into the lifestyle, which could mean ending my current relationship, but I'm not going to worry too much about it just yet. I think that this is a really great way to make the transition from vanilla to lifestyle... slowly exploring in a very comfortable setting, preparing myself to make the leap.

* What are some of the issues that may take time to adapt to, and why, if relevant? How much time is fair for the adapting or training process?

- Probably everything will become an issue, whether big or small, that I have to adapt to Thats why I'm happy with the pace that I'm delving into the lifestyle, hopefully that will reduce the number of issues in the long run.

* Does love make it more difficult or easier, and why?

- [Can't say I know from experience but...] I think love would make everything much, much easier. With love comes trust, and to me, trust will be the most important thing in all of this.

 

[Homburg]

and to me, trust will be the most important thing in all of this.

I agree.

 

[sexycaz22]

*What does 'lifestyle' mean to you?

When it feels right, when I feel I do belong in a community. Lifestyle means to me how I live the life, who I am in that lifestyle.

* How do you make the transitition from playing or vanilla to lifestyle?

At the moment, I can't really say, as I am still exploring and looking to make that transition, but is not too sure if it would be as a pyl or a PYL.

* What are some of the issues that may take time to adapt to, and why, if relevant? How much time is fair for the adapting or training process?

For me, most importantly if I become involved with someone in a long-term relationship, the SO (whether it be a pyl or a PYL) would be very willing to learn British sign language to improve the lines of communication in a serious relationship. BDSM-related; again, still exploring, so can't really say.

* For the PYL, where does understanding become a risk of being too understanding?

Not too sure what the question mean, so won't answer this one until I clarify.

* Do you prefer to live privately or publicly (clubbing, BDSM socialising etc.) or a little of both?

A little of both, but lately I have not been going to munches or clubs for a various of reasons, but hopefully getting back on the "horse" this month!

* Does love make it more difficult or easier, and why?

I think it's both, if you are in love with your SO, it does make it easier, but at the same time makes it difficult.

* What do you do if it becomes obvious it is not working?

Not in a relationship, so can't really say. But honesty and communication is the best way to go, so if I feel that the relationship is not working, I would like to think that I can sit down with my SO and discuss what's not working and how to improve it, and if we could not "fix" what's not working, I would like to depart as good friends, rather than enemies

 

[catalina_francisco]

* What does 'lifestyle' mean to you?


For us it is the fabric of our lives and underlies our lives on a daily, moment to moment basis. That doesn't mean floggers are flying continuously, but the dynamic is there as the foundation on which the relationship was built and still survives. Sometimes it is obvious, often it is less obvious, and for me it often is difficult to see the difference as it has become familiar and understood.


* How do you make the transitition from playing or vanilla to lifestyle?


For myself it was not that difficult as I had a good mentor, I had decided it was what I wanted and needed, and I didn't set out to have play based relationships. I explored how I would handle pain with a couple of trusted people, but as far as relationships went I just decided it was going to be all or nothing and set out to find someone of similar mind via the internet. It worked, and quicker than I expected given I wasn't prepared to have relationships or accept a collar from anyone who was not going to be a life partner.

* What are some of the issues that may take time to adapt to, and why, if relevant? How much time is fair for the adapting or training process?


I think the time factor is an individual thing. Everyone is different, everyone has different factors impacting on their choice, and sometimes compromise is necessary due to a number of factors. If living vanilla for a long time, there can be some periods of adapting which can need clarification due to changing your lifestyle so dramatically. That can also be impacted on by the need to recognise each others particular way of saying things, their intentions and meaning, and just getting to know what the triggers are in each other and what goals are shared. For me, it was a huge change from being totally independent for 25 years or so as an adult, and then surrender that independance to another to control.

* For the PYL, where does understanding become a risk of being too understanding?

While understanding and communication are a must, IMO there is also a danger for some PYL's to be too understanding and allowing themselves to be manipulated by the pyl. This is different from the situation of a pyl needing time or guidance, and one I have seen whereby the pyl's have used the emotions and caring of the PYL to basically top from the bottom and avoid doing anything they don't want to.

* Do you prefer to live privately or publicly (clubbing, BDSM socialising etc.) or a little of both?

For us it is a private thing. F has done the club thing many moons ago, more so because it was easier to network and meet people, but for us now, private keeps us busy enough and seems to satisfy our needs.

* Does love make it more difficult or easier, and why?

Both. It can be easier knowing you both love each other and so nothing is impossible...but OTOH that love can also make it more difficult in terms of feeling no matter what you do you could and want to do better; mixing feelings of love and D/s when not feeling 100% physically, emotionally, or both; for PYL's becoming concerned they may be pushing too hard/not hard enough; fear of damaging the relationship and the list goes on.

* What do you do if it becomes obvious it is not working?

Communicate, put ego's aside, listen, hear the other, talk, explore options for improvement, work together, reassess what both want, refocus. For some it may mean ending the relationship, for others it can be a new beginning.


Catalina