Over analizing?

[AgonySceneGirl]

Its been a few years since I left my abusive ex.
I cant seem to get over the majority of the crap that was pulled.
I got over the abusive part because my current boyfriend, he helped me out a lot with being afraid all the time. But I cant seem to get over being cheated on. I have been putting off my ex's bullshit on my current boyfriend and I really dont want to do that. He's to much of a sweetheart to do anything like that to me. I know he wont cheat, but when he goes out with his friends with out me I cant seem to get it out of my head, so I get paranoid and start a fight with him. Not a good thing i know. Which is one reason I want to know if theres anything I can do to make myself get over it and stop over analizing everything.
You ladies and gents have any ideas or thoughts you could throw my way? I really dont want to push him away like I seem to be doing.

 

[aimouse]

You obviously have rational moments like now, when you know your worries are irrational.
Can you talk to him when it all makes sense?

 

[Cathleen]

Welcome to Lit, AgonySceneGirl. To you too aimouse.

Have you considered talking with a therapist about your situation? Abusive relationships aren't easy to leave behind. Obviously there are big issues created but there can be so many subtle things that might not become known for a while.

Trust isn't a small issue at all but it doesn't always look like a blinking neon sign either. I know there are people/situations that are easy for me to trust and there are some that I get a gut feeling that something isn't right but then there are times I just don't get it. Times when I really want to trust but don't, it can be irrational which is frustrating.

I try to break it down. Your previous relationship is a given to trust issues. But as you say you don't want to make your current BF to pay for the crap of your ex, so try to break down how the feeling surfaces. Trace backwards if possible - you start with 'not trusting' then go backwards to see what events brought you there (it helps me root out the irrational stuff mostly), and keep moving backwards. Hopefully you'll see your path to not trusting.

You might think it's a short path like "Not trusting him" as your starting point leads to "He is going out with friends" - end of path (which isn't unusual at first). But try breaking things down more -- you might have to feel the pain of the past to get the crap out but once it's out it so much better.

In any of those places on your path you can insert a 'wedge' of sorts - meaning a change in thought or behavior. By doing that you will alter the path (good/bad/healthy, etc.) and each time you'll learn more about your trust patterns and begin to change your action/behavior.

Trust can take so long to give and can be erased in a second but there are people worth the effort to rebuild your ability to trust. I do think talking with a professional helps a great deal.

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

I tried talking to a therapist.
But all she did was stare at me the entire time, she asked maybe 3 questions in an hour session. Someone staring at me not saying a word makes me nervous as hell no matter the situation. I dont know if thats the way all therapists are but thats the way she was and it drove me nuts so i just stopped going. Thats why i've been looking for other ways, opinions /stories of how people got over it, so i can take advice and head warning signs of others mistakes. I dont know if that will work but i'm hoping. I really care for my boyfriend and i know he cares about me, or he wouldnt have stuck around for the bullshit trust issues i've already thrown at him.

Thanks Cathleen, from the sounds of all that you said, you knwo what your talkin about. I'll try your tactic and see how it goes, by blockin the thoughts and retracking. It sounds like it would really work.

 

[DrHappy]

Look at it this way. What happened in the past was unfortunate and we wish that it never happened. However, it would be a second tragedy if you let if you allow it to mess up any of your future (including your current relationship). Make up your mind (get angry if you need to) to make sure that you leave it in the past.

 

[Lalah]

Yes therapists work like that. They need to listen to you for multiple sessions before they can understand you. They, as opposed to forum posters, like to give informed advice. Why are you entrusting your psychological health to random people instead of professionals?

Trust is about about knowing something can hurt you but letting it happen anyway. Any time you think your current boyfriend could cheat on you, let him go out anyway. Any times he is chatting with a woman and you get jealous, let him chat. Could something bad happen? Yes! But let him do it anyway.

That's what's called trust, accepting that while there are risks and you are not in control, you are willing to take the chance for things to turns out alright.

 

[Cathleen]

Look at it this way. What happened in the past was unfortunate and we wish that it never happened. However, it would be a second tragedy if you let if you allow it to mess up any of your future (including your current relationship). Make up your mind (get angry if you need to) to make sure that you leave it in the past.

If only it was that simple but it's not, by a long shot. The human psyche is the most complicated part of us.

The cliché "Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me," is absolutely, positively wrong. Physical abuse is awful and thankfully most of the time we can heal. The names, the mean things said/done inflict a lot of pain to our mind, spirit, really the core of ourselves. You won't see bandages, crutches, a sling etc. on those kind of abuses. But believe me they are there and the damage is deep - but not unsurmountable. It takes work and every effort is worth the pain to heal at least in my humble opinion and experience.

I understand your message and I mean no disrespect to you, after all you're Dr. Happy!

Yes therapists work like that. They need to listen to you for multiple sessions before they can understand you. They, as opposed to forum posters, like to give informed advice. Why are you entrusting your psychological health to random people instead of professionals?

Trust is about about knowing something can hurt you but letting it happen anyway. Any time you think your current boyfriend could cheat on you, let him go out anyway. Any times he is chatting with a woman and you get jealous, let him chat. Could something bad happen? Yes! But let him do it anyway.

That's what's called trust, accepting that while there are risks and you are not in control, you are willing to take the chance for things to turns out alright.

I really like what you've said and agree totally that therapy is a two way street. Therapy won't help if you're unwilling to put the effort into it and if you're not being honest.

Despite what many people say, there truly are some wonderful, skilled and caring therapists. AgonySceneGirl, I hope you'll consider trying therapy again, if the person isn't right for you then move on. Do a mini-interview on the phone, they're used to that.

 

[emptynester]

Trust is about about knowing something can hurt you but letting it happen anyway. Could something bad happen? Yes! But let him do it anyway.

That's what's called trust, accepting that while there are risks and you are not in control, you are willing to take the chance for things to turns out alright.

I don't want to sound disagreeable but to me trust is about believing the other person loves you enough that he wouldn't think of cheating on you in the first place no matter what the circumstance. From the experience you have just been through, that is going to be difficult to achieve no matter how much your mind wants to believe it.

If this boyfriend is a sweetheart, he will understand that and want to do everything in his power to make sure he doesn't give you any reason to doubt his intentions.

Trust is something that is earned. It is not a given, in my opinion, in any relationship. It builds over time with a proven track record. It grows with the relationship and becomes stronger as you get to know each other better.

If trust is broken, it has to be earned again. It becomes much more difficult to achieve and makes it much more difficult to ever regain at the same level. If it is broken again and again, eventually IMO, it can become impossible to ever trust that person again and makes it much more difficult to trust others in a similar situation such as in a relationship in general.

I'm with Cathleen on this one. Find a therapist you can talk to who will actively participate and work through it with professional help. Your boyfriend can help in many ways, but someone who is trained in how to work you through the issues you are trying to deal with on your own is well worth the time and money spent (again IMHO).

 

[Lalah]

The thing is, her new boyfriend did nothing to lose her trust, it's all coming from the previous relationship.

As hard as it's going to be she's going to have to take some risks, and even let him get into situations where something could happen, if she's to get to trust him. How could she ever get to trust him if she never let him out of her sight? There's no magical solutions, you take the plunge, and hope the other person is there to catch you.

 

[emptynester]

The thing is, her new boyfriend did nothing to lose her trust, it's all coming from the previous relationship.

Exactly, but the hurt and distrust from the other relationship will carry over now into other relationships that she tries to establish. It is inevitable. No matter how much her mind wants to trust again, that pain doesn't just go away by itself. She is naturally going to be suspicious and jealousy can rear its ugly head even if she wasn't normally a jealous person before.

[/QUOTE] As hard as it's going to be she's going to have to take some risks, and even let him get into situations where something could happen, if she's to get to trust him. [/QUOTE]

My thought is more that if you are truly in a monogamous relationship and neither of you have agreed to make it an open relationship in any way, you don't put yourself in a situation that would cause the other person to have reason to mistrust you.

If she is having issues with him going out with friends or doing anything with someone else for fear that he can't be trusted, I don't see it as a possibility that she can tell herself to just let it happen.

Feelings of insecurity, lack of self esteem, losing confidence in yourself as a result of someone making you feel like you are not good enough, those things don't just go away on their own. I personally think they have to be dealt with and the real cause has to be brought out in order to learn how to cope with them again in a similar situation or relationship.

Someone trained in bringing out those feelings and dealing with them in a healthy way is going to help her heal much quicker than if she continues to try and go it on her own.

 

[PersianKittie]

Which is one reason I want to know if theres anything I can do to make myself get over it and stop over analizing everything.

I have two immediate thoughts about this comment. First, the thing to do to stop yourself is "stop." Be aware of the things that trigger the emotional response and then stop yourself by realizing that this is just an emotional response that may not be grounded in the reality of your current life. Second, you are not over analyzing, you are just going along with the emotional response WITH OUT thinking.

Re therapy: A therapist is like a friend - you don't become friends with everyone who has good characteristics. Instead, you discriminate. There should be a chemistry, a common ground, a shared world view and philosophy. As a result, you might have to consult a few different therapists before you settle on one with whom you feel comfortable. One last thing: make sure your therapist is smart. just because someone got a damm phd does not mean they are smart, so make sure it is someone whom you cannot fool.

ok, one more thing. Last thing. really. Don't drive the poor guy crazy and then make yourself be right by saying "see? they are all users!" See what I mean.

Just my two cents. Good luck. These things are never easy.
PK

 

[mitchell67]

re: reentitled

[...]

Re therapy: A therapist is like a friend - you don't become friends with everyone who has good characteristics. Instead, you discriminate. There should be a chemistry, a common ground, a shared world view and philosophy. As a result, you might have to consult a few different therapists before you settle on one with whom you feel comfortable. One last thing: make sure your therapist is smart. just because someone got a damm phd does not mean they are smart, so make sure it is someone whom you cannot fool.
[...]
PK

Firstly, am I the only person who thought this thread would be about concerns from experiencing too much anal intercourse or analplay in general?
*overanalysis

PK,
I appreciate that you stress that it is incumbent upon the therapy seeker to discriminate as to which therapist suits one's needs. I have a lot of difficulties accepting a profession that can throw up its hands with impunity and then claim that the client is entirely to blame for not wanting to find the solution within himself.
I would, however, suggest that the therapist as friend metaphor is even less helpful. We don't normally pay our friends $100/hour just to learn whether they really like us. We ought to hold a therapist up to standards of any profession. Even if they appear 'friendly' and truly want to help, we ought to drop them if they don't seem to have a plan towards recovery. Thinking of a therapist in terms of a friend blurs the lines of what we want in a friend and what we can expect from a mental health professional

 

[Guest]

PK,
I appreciate that you stress that it is incumbent upon the therapy seeker to discriminate as to which therapist suits one's needs. I have a lot of difficulties accepting a profession that can throw up its hands with impunity and then claim that the client is entirely to blame for not wanting to find the solution within himself.

You're talking about insight-oriented therapy. With all due respect to its rather limited number of practitioners, it's rather dated and has been shown to be less effective than cognitive-behavioral therapies which stress changing both thinking AND behavior.

I would, however, suggest that the therapist as friend metaphor is even less helpful. We don't normally pay our friends $100/hour just to learn whether they really like us. We ought to hold a therapist up to standards of any profession. Even if they appear 'friendly' and truly want to help, we ought to drop them if they don't seem to have a plan towards recovery. Thinking of a therapist in terms of a friend blurs the lines of what we want in a friend and what we can expect from a mental health professional

Speaking as someone who shrunk heads for 20 years, I agree that you're right about a therapist needing to develop a plan to help a patient toward recovery--but NOT necessarily after the first session. It can take several sessions--or longer, in some cases--to accurately identify the problem(s), the causes and the potential solution(s). Remember, the therapist is utterly dependent, in that first session, on the information that the client provides.

While "friends" would, in most U.S. states, be a violation of professional ethics, friendly is by no means too much to ask for. In fact, developing therapeutic rapport--the cornerstone of any helping relationship--depends on it. Achieving therapeutic rapport can take an instant or a month or more. A lot of that depends on whether the client perceives the therapist as trustworthy, concerned, and competent.

With that said, it's perfectly OK (IMNSHO) for a new client to ask a therapist how he or she works, what therapeutic model he or she follows (and remember that "eclectic" can still be defined and explained--no one uses EVERYTHING), how much experience the therapist has had dealing with similar problems, and what kind of feedback and/or interaction the client can reasonably expect during sessions. If a client doesn't like the answers, they shouldn't stick around. If he or she doesn't like ANYBODY's answers, that's resistance.

AgonySceneGirl, find a therapist you like--not too much, please!--and with whom you're comfortable, and give it a go. With the right attitude, and the right therapist, you can work miracles.

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

i was seeing the therapist for a mont - a session a week.
And even by the 4th session she did nothing but stare at me. So yeah... lol ok

 

[Colton_White]

communication gap

i was seeing the therapist for a mont - a session a week.
And even by the 4th session she did nothing but stare at me. So yeah... lol ok

I think you need to have a frank conversation with your b/f telling him whatever you've in mind,

before there is a big communication gap betwn you and him.

you can reach to some agreement like he won't see his friends much in your presence. then it'll bother u less.

my silly advice, but its lot better than wasting money on therapist. just DIY : Talk w/ your b/f

 

[FiestyRedHead]

This will sound a little harsh, but considering I was raised by a woman in your same situation, I will offer this advice:

Stop being a professional victim.

Especially if you have children.
The way you are will affect them in ways you can't begin to imagine.

Try to shift your mantra to this:

That which does not kill us only makes us stronger.