I don't fit in.

[Little_Kitten]

[Warning: Upcoming rant.]

It seems that no matter where I go... I can't fit.. Anywhere at all. I'm always too eccentric. In real life, I'm apparently too shy or something.. And apparently scare the "cool chicks" cos they seem to always try to push me down(like I care).

But thing is I feel judged by everyone... No matter what I do. Something wrong.

And this happens in BDSM environments too. There is always some smartass sub or master telling you you're not real for whatever reason. There are always people who try to tell you how to live your OWN lifestyle, because if you don't, you're even too freaky for the BDSM lifestyle too.


So yes... I wanna be able to indulge in my submission. If it was legal... I'd want to be led on a leash. And I don't care if I impose myself on anyone. Cos I don't It's just as much of a fashion statement as is being goth. Or punk.
I'm considering turning into either of those.. Because then apparently, being freaky is a bit more acceptable.

I want just be able to live my life with Chris... in our own way. Without people telling me I'm wrong.
If you think I'm wrong, they don't fucking talk to me.

Why are there so many judgmental idiots in the BDSM lifestyle too? If we wanna be the "mainstream" we gotta stick together. Not pick each other apart. Sure someone defers from someone else a bit. Is either of them wrong? No.. It's ok to have 10 slaves. It's ok to give in 100% having no say. It's also ok being a sub with choices, and influence on the relationship.

So why are there so many people in the lifestyle who try to pick you apart, and make you feel worthless for who you are and what you desire?


[Rant over]

 

[Xantu]

You sound so hurt and angry. Has this been building for a really long time and just finally boiled over or did something bad happen to cause this pain?

 

[serijules]

[Warning: Upcoming rant.]

Why are there so many judgmental idiots in the BDSM lifestyle too?

So why are there so many people in the lifestyle who try to pick you apart, and make you feel worthless for who you are and what you desire?


[Rant over]

It's not a lifestyle thing, it's a human thing. Unfortunately, humans tend to suck sometimes.

Sorry you are having a bad time....just stick with the people that respect you and ignore the rest. That's really all you can do.

 

[Little_Kitten]

You sound so hurt and angry. Has this been building for a really long time and just finally boiled over or did something bad happen to cause this pain?

Alot of things have been boiling up... Mostly the fact that no matter where I turn.. it's hard to find acceptance... Thing is In don't get why. because I'm not mainstream, and my only joy is not getting drunk and do stupid shit?

Also.. I just see too many people trying to pick each other apart in the bdsm culture... Being 'subbier than thou' and 'real masters' and all that shit. But fact is there, there is no right and wrong except for what one makes right and wrong themselves.

As ong as we aren't hurting anyone... Why should we be judged..?

 

[WakoJako]

I think we have all been there... as serijules said above, stick to the people who do like you...
Trust me, a lifestyle change does not work. I admit i tried different scenes to fit in but it just wasnt me... now i just live for what i want and it couldnt be better.

Hope you feel better soon

 

[doveofserenity]

[Warning: Upcoming rant.]

It seems that no matter where I go... I can't fit.. Anywhere at all. I'm always too eccentric. In real life, I'm apparently too shy or something.. And apparently scare the "cool chicks" cos they seem to always try to push me down(like I care).

But thing is I feel judged by everyone... No matter what I do. Something wrong.

And this happens in BDSM environments too. There is always some smartass sub or master telling you you're not real for whatever reason. There are always people who try to tell you how to live your OWN lifestyle, because if you don't, you're even too freaky for the BDSM lifestyle too.

So yes... I wanna be able to indulge in my submission. If it was legal... I'd want to be led on a leash. And I don't care if I impose myself on anyone. Cos I don't It's just as much of a fashion statement as is being goth. Or punk.
I'm considering turning into either of those.. Because then apparently, being freaky is a bit more acceptable.

I want just be able to live my life with Chris... in our own way. Without people telling me I'm wrong.
If you think I'm wrong, they don't fucking talk to me.

Why are there so many judgmental idiots in the BDSM lifestyle too? If we wanna be the "mainstream" we gotta stick together. Not pick each other apart. Sure someone defers from someone else a bit. Is either of them wrong? No.. It's ok to have 10 slaves. It's ok to give in 100% having no say. It's also ok being a sub with choices, and influence on the relationship.

So why are there so many people in the lifestyle who try to pick you apart, and make you feel worthless for who you are and what you desire?


[Rant over]

Hi Little Kitten,

First off, be sure of yourself. Once you are sure of who you are, opinions of others on forums such as Lit and CM do not matter as much.

You are you. Whether that be dominant, switch, submissive, slave or just plain vanilla.

The shyness, whether on a forum or in r/l; is something that will fade away the more sure you become.

When i first started here on Lit, even though i knew and was sure i am/was/always will be submissive; the shyness played a major factor.

One who is shy tends not to want to reveal a lot about their personal lives to people that are just names on a screen.

MAKE FRIENDS

Whether on Lit or in r/l; make friends that are intested in same things you are. Whether its everyday stuff or Lifestyle stuff. That can help get you over the shyness.

Take care and hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[00Syd]

I think we have all been there... as serijules said above, stick to the people who do like you...
Trust me, a lifestyle change does not work. I admit i tried different scenes to fit in but it just wasnt me... now i just live for what i want and it couldnt be better.

Hope you feel better soon

I agree that a lifestyle change doesn't work. If you don't fit with goth or punk, don't force it. I tried that once, and just felt more out of place than before.

And no matter what scene your in, or what lifestyle you subscribe to, there is always going to be some asswipe judging you and everyone else. And it sucks.

Just do what you want and if someone gives you shit for it, fuck 'em.

 

[Xantu]

Alot of things have been boiling up... Mostly the fact that no matter where I turn.. it's hard to find acceptance... Thing is In don't get why. because I'm not mainstream, and my only joy is not getting drunk and do stupid shit?

Also.. I just see too many people trying to pick each other apart in the bdsm culture... Being 'subbier than thou' and 'real masters' and all that shit. But fact is there, there is no right and wrong except for what one makes right and wrong themselves.

As long as we aren't hurting anyone... Why should we be judged..?

It is not within our power to match the expectations of every person we meet. The only judgments that should touch you are your own and those of the special people you let into your magic circle of loved people.

The hardest question all of us must face is how we judge ourselves, how we pick ourselves apart.

No words from a stranger or an acquaintance should ever have the power to shake our own sense of ourselves. If you are confident in yourself and the love of those people you choose to trust, the carping of the weak and angry is just the weather. Ignore it, dress for it, and for gods sake come in out of the rain girl...

Remember a harsh word is a weapon that only we can hurt ourselves with. You have to take it from the lips of the person saying it and hit yourself with it. Without your active cooperation it is a sound, a caw, a sound without magic.

The only attention and energy I give the criticism of people I don't love, is to measure what kind of person they may be, and how to avoid being like them.

 

[Little_Kitten]

I agree that a lifestyle change doesn't work. If you don't fit with goth or punk, don't force it. I tried that once, and just felt more out of place than before.

And no matter what scene your in, or what lifestyle you subscribe to, there is always going to be some asswipe judging you and everyone else. And it sucks.

Just do what you want and if someone gives you shit for it, fuck 'em.

I know... But it's hard to deal with it sometimes...

Being punk/goth wouldn't really be forced... I love everything about it, and the people rock... I also do dress darker than most people. But not enough to get labeled. I really don't like labels that much. I even think I have my own version of Dominance and submission going on with Chris. But that's besides the point.

I do have very good friends. But the rest of the world sucks. Specially people who try to keep you down. I dont let them though. But sometimes I need to vent. There is so much wrongness in this world. It saddens me.

 

[00Syd]

I know... But it's hard to deal with it sometimes...

Being punk/goth wouldn't really be forced... I love everything about it, and the people rock... I also do dress darker than most people. But not enough to get labeled. I really don't like labels that much. I even think I have my own version of Dominance and submission going on with Chris. But that's besides the point.

I do have very good friends. But the rest of the world sucks. Specially people who try to keep you down. I dont let them though. But sometimes I need to vent. There is so much wrongness in this world. It saddens me.

Trust me, I feel you. I tried to be punk for a few years, and I felt that I was more punk than all the other assholes who were labeled as punk, but whenever I hung out with fellow punks I was criticized for being too clean and put together. Then I realized that I like being clean and put together, I like looking good. So I quit trying to be so punk, I like the music, but I don't have to dress like a slob to enjoy it.

If you already dress kind of dark, but you don't quite fit into the goth or punk category, sounds like you've got your own thing going on. Embrace it! if you don't like labels, don't label yourself. If other people try to label you, don't let them.

I get sad a lot when I think about this country. I'll sit down and think about the state of the nation and cry. Unfortunately, there isn't much that I alone can do to fix that. But I can be strong in my beliefs and not let other people push me around to fit into their molds.

Vent away, we all need to sometimes. I really feel where your coming from. I hope you work it out and feel better soon

*HUGS*

 

[Homburg]

Just do what you want and if someone gives you shit for it, fuck 'em.

See what Syd wrote? Yeah, do that.

I fit in anywhere I choose to, and nowhere at the same time. The trick is to not let them know that you don't fit in. Act like you are meant to be wherever you are, believe it, and other people will too.

It works because the big secret is that everybody else worries about the same shit. The ones that look like they fit in are just good at faking it.

 

[Little_Kitten]

Thanks people.... Your words are encouraging.

And thanks Syd, you post holds special meaning to me.

I guess I'm kind of just bottled up right now. The fact is that, I have very little in common with people. I listen to stuff, and am interested in stuff that others aren't. And when I hear the girls talk about their stupid girly-shit... It makes me wanna rip off my ears. I just can't relate to most people. I try. I actually make an effort to get to know people, and hod steady conversation. But guess that happens? They turn away uninterested. People never make an effort to get to know me, and I don't understand it. COs.. I must admit I'm not horrible looking. I'd say that I'm kinda cute. I also like my dressing style. it's dark. but cute-dark. And quite stylish too. SO that can't be the problem.

In the past I've come to the conclusion that it's because I don't flirt with every guy I can get my eyes on, and I don't yell and act obnoxious. Yup.. I'm a good little girl.

Lets see.. the "Popular" girl in my class(and mind you, I'm in a higher education, where the average person is 24 years old), is blonde, dresses in 'cool' clothes, is obnoxious, flirts with everyone, is rude... All the things that I just can't be. And honestly, I don't mind her. I actually tried to stay on a reasonably good basis with her. But it's the same shit over ... I had expected people to be more mature and interesting in this education thingy... But noo... It's high school all over. Just with a heavier work load. People only know how to have fun by going out and get wasted/act stupid.
I'm 19 btw.

So in a way I'm kinda glad I don't fit in. My class at least. Because fitting in would mean that I'm just as mindless as them.

And I did try the "fit in anyway" method... it kinda worked until the guy decided to show his true face... And since then I've just kept away, because I seriously don't feel welcome.

Oh yea. I needed to borrow a USB stick in class today, and the blonde-chick had one. Anddd.. She let me borrow it saying "Just make sure you don't get a virus on it".. In a not too friendly way.
So once I finished I handed her the stick, and jokingly said "Well now it's filled viruses." just to not be too serious you know. And then I get a bitchy "Don't even joke about it." Oh come on...

Anyway. I seem to rant about meaningless shit right now. But I''m just tired of people pushing me away, when i've done nothing but be nice to them.

I can't really count on people anymore. I've gotten so bad, that I question everyone's motives when they talk to me. x_x

But it's ok. I'll survive in the end, but I'm just tired of people being judgmental.

 

[00Syd]

Thanks people.... Your words are encouraging.

And thanks Syd, you post holds special meaning to me.

I'm flattered! I'm happy I could help in some small way. I'm in school too (I'm 18) and I was also surprised that people didn't leave that stupid high school hierarchy behind. But as long as you've got a good group of friends, even if its a small group, that whole drama doesn't matter and doesn't have to effect you.

Not sure what else I can say right now... but if you ever want to talk or anything, you know where to find me You'll figure it out.

And on an unrelated note: What are you studying?

 

[Little_Kitten]

I'm flattered! I'm happy I could help in some small way. I'm in school too (I'm 18) and I was also surprised that people didn't leave that stupid high school hierarchy behind. But as long as you've got a good group of friends, even if its a small group, that whole drama doesn't matter and doesn't have to effect you.

Not sure what else I can say right now... but if you ever want to talk or anything, you know where to find me You'll figure it out.

And on an unrelated note: What are you studying?

I'm studying as a Multimedia designer. It's fun.


But yea... The people are pretty immature in my class :-/ They all scream "YEARR! Lets go and drink!" every Friday.. or something like that.
They don't know how to have fun. Denmark sux in this aspect... People are... so.. Bleh here.

 

[NoLeafClover7]

I'm flattered! I'm happy I could help in some small way. I'm in school too (I'm 18) and I was also surprised that people didn't leave that stupid high school hierarchy behind. But as long as you've got a good group of friends, even if its a small group, that whole drama doesn't matter and doesn't have to effect you.

Not sure what else I can say right now... but if you ever want to talk or anything, you know where to find me You'll figure it out.

And on an unrelated note: What are you studying?

I've noticed that in my college, the clique system still applies for the most part. The preppy types hang with the preppy types, gamers hang with gamers, etc. I know the feeling of being judged like you say you are, because you don't follow the crowd. I suggest joining an organization at your college related to something you really enjoy as a hobby. Odds are, you'll find a lot of people similar to you who will accept you as you are. Its what I did and I'm a lot happier in college because of it.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Guess I'm with Dove in that you have to be confident in who you are to be at peace, BDSM lifestyle or anywhere. People will always have an opinion, just as you yourself do...what you do with that opinion and how it impacts on you and your life is your own choice...it doesn't have to lead to unpleasantness and/or hurt. I have always been a loner, partly because it is who I am, partly because I rarely fit in with most people and/or their choice of lifestyle....fortunately I fit with F and that to both of us is all that really matters. Once you reach the point of realising that is the most important part of being who you are instead of feeling a need to try and fit in and be accepted, then you know true freedom and happiness. Hope it improves for you soon.

Catalina

 

[Sir_Winston54]

The only real suggestion I can offer is to be yourself. Be polite and considerate to those around you, giving them the respect due to anyone simply because they're human, and continue to give them that respect until they've proven they don't deserve it. At that point, simply cut them out of your life. Ignore them, and move on.

It sounds as if you may have "deeper, more serious" interests than most of your (age) peers. If so, you may find it "profitable" to find a group of slightly older people who share some of those interests, and quietly "join" their group. Sit back a little bit and listen, absorb viewpoints, consider what they have to say, then eventually insert an opinion that you've considered carefully. (You may have to be able to back that opinion up with facts!) That opinion doesn't necessarily need to agree with the majority opinion, by the way, as long as you can support your thinking that way with reason. Of course, this means of joining a group really works with almost any group, but it's more important to *plan* your "insertion" if the group is greater in age, experience, etc. to you.

As far as others "picking you apart" for your beliefs, practices or lifestyle, the odds are that they don't understand it/them, and therefore fear it. The unknown is fear-inducing to the vast majority of homo sapiens, and the fight-or-flight response is weighted toward fight when it's one person presenting the unknown to a greater number. Along similar lines to what 00Syd said, live your life as you choose, find people who agree with or are tolerant to that, and as for the rest - they don't matter a hill of beans to your life in the long run anyway. Cut 'em out of your life. You don't need them.

 

[YourCaptor]

First of all you’re not wrong.

Second of all, you don’t need to fit in. Yes social acceptance is vital to human happiness, but that doesn’t mean you have to be like everyone else. Making friends is what is important, blending in is not.

But you already seem to know that, and you are on the right road, don’t fit in at all, just be yourself, be confident in it. Yes their will be a lot of people that look down on you, look at you as if you where a freak, but that’s only because they are scare themselves trying as hard as they can to blend in, and when they see someone who does not do this they become angry. Its called, projection, it’s a form of stress coping in which someone pushes all the things that are wrong with themselves onto someone else.

If you enter a new click you will often also be pushed aside, that’s is to be expected, after all the world is full of angry people, and keeping the new guy at a distance is a form of self defense. That’s fine though, if you show them you are yourself and accept them for being themselves they will warm up to you and let you inside their defenses. Their may be one or two bad ones that hate you unconditionally, but that’s ok, that’s just who they are.

Accept others as they are, even if they are nasty, you don’t have to fight them if you don’t want too, just know that they are there. I find redirecting that fight effort into meeting new people gets you way further.

However if someone is actually trying to harm you call the cops, let us know, we will stand with you.

I hope you see brighter days soon, if you need anything don’t hesitate.

 

[FurryFury]

GREAT post!



What she said!

Hi Little Kitten,

First off, be sure of yourself. Once you are sure of who you are, opinions of others on forums such as Lit and CM do not matter as much.

You are you. Whether that be dominant, switch, submissive, slave or just plain vanilla.

The shyness, whether on a forum or in r/l; is something that will fade away the more sure you become.

When i first started here on Lit, even though i knew and was sure i am/was/always will be submissive; the shyness played a major factor.

One who is shy tends not to want to reveal a lot about their personal lives to people that are just names on a screen.

MAKE FRIENDS

Whether on Lit or in r/l; make friends that are intested in same things you are. Whether its everyday stuff or Lifestyle stuff. That can help get you over the shyness.

Take care and hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[coyotepondering]

So why are there so many people in the lifestyle who try to pick you apart, and make you feel worthless for who you are and what you desire?


[Rant over]

I'm a professional librarian. One thing public service taught me is that humans are on average sub human. Scary but true. So, yeah, not a lifestyle thing, just a humans are assholes thing.

 

[rosco rathbone]

It's a damn shame when, in bdsm-last refuge of the weirdos-we can't feel at home.

You aren't the only one who doesn't fit in, don't worry.

 

[EmpressFi]

It's a damn shame when, in bdsm-last refuge of the weirdos-we can't feel at home.

You aren't the only one who doesn't fit in, don't worry.

who knew I'd someday type that I agree with Rosco

But it's true. I've felt that way a while and I agree - as I've told nh and others. The only person I ever have to answer to is me. I'm *gulp* 39 years old and only in this last year have I really learned to like me fo rme. A lot of that is in accepting that I'm poly and a submissive and being allowed to fully experience those things.

We've known since grade school that humans are mean. If you're different than the majority, they're worse. Most times, they're downright cruel. The only thing we can do is learn to love ourselves and surround ourselves with others who love us too.

*hugs*

 

[Vixandra]

Alot of things have been boiling up... Mostly the fact that no matter where I turn.. it's hard to find acceptance... Thing is In don't get why. because I'm not mainstream, and my only joy is not getting drunk and do stupid shit?

Also.. I just see too many people trying to pick each other apart in the bdsm culture... Being 'subbier than thou' and 'real masters' and all that shit. But fact is there, there is no right and wrong except for what one makes right and wrong themselves.

As ong as we aren't hurting anyone... Why should we be judged..?

I'm one of those who don't get drunk to have fun either. Its really pathetic that these days a DUI is acceptable but wanting to spank/be spanked is still such a taboo thing. Grrr...

Being different means being marked for harassment in human society (many animal ones too but that's neither here nor there.) All you can do is smile, nod and tell them politely to go fornicate that fecal matter because you've better things to do.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Oh, one other little thought, but important enough (at least IMNSHO) to merit its own post instead of an edit:

If you don't find a group that seems compatible, find ONE PERSON who fits your bill. He or she is also likely to be one of those who "don't fit in." When the two of you have gotten together, go out and find ANOTHER. Keep it going - and growing. Pretty soon, you'll have your own group in which you fit nicely, because it's built on the way you - and the others - think/feel, and you can look at those "other" groups and have no regrets.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Tabea]

Are you sure you actually want to fit in?

Somehow I ended up at a University where a lot of the law students are rich kids who are arrogant, selfish and look down on nearly everybody else. They won't say Hi if they pass you even if you have been to the same lectures for 2 years. The library looks more like a catwalk.

I still found it easy to find friends. They were the ones who looked and dressed normally, said Hi, actually talked to me and wouldn't state how brilliant they were in the first minute of conversation.

So I don't want to fit in, because it would mean I've become arrogant and superficial.

Could you do some sports or learn a foreign language at your school? You might meet a different kind of people there.