Closet Curiosity

[WakoJako]

Hey there... this is my first post so apologies if someone has done this before.

I am a guy and have been a closet BDSM lover for about 2/3 years now. I recently broke up with my girlfriend, although i never told her about this.
My question is, when i next get a girlfriend, how should i tell her that i like BDSM? I dont want to scare her away from me...?

Cheers

 

[serijules]

Hey there... this is my first post so apologies if someone has done this before.

I am a guy and have been a closet BDSM lover for about 2/3 years now. I recently broke up with my girlfriend, although i never told her about this.
My question is, when i next get a girlfriend, how should i tell her that i like BDSM? I dont want to scare her away from me...?

Cheers

I'd vote to find a girlfriend who is also into BDSM and skip the closet altogether.

 

[WakoJako]

Cheers, although going up to a girl and asking if she likes it will be tough.

 

[BiBunny]

It's not exactly what you'd call "hard" to find people who are into this kinda stuff, you know.

 

[Marquis]

When I hear something like this, I often find myself wondering if the secrecy aspect is part of the fetish. I know there are a lot of gay men who would never come out of the closet for this reason alone.

 

[serijules]

Cheers, although going up to a girl and asking if she likes it will be tough.

BDSM personals? Munches? Clubs? Chatrooms? Forums?

Only as hard as you make it.

 

[WakoJako]

I guess i need to be a bit more brave when looking out for someone. I do agree that honesty is the best policy. Im sure that at uni, there is at least 1 woman who is into BDSM. I am just shy.

 

[serijules]

I guess i need to be a bit more brave when looking out for someone. I do agree that honesty is the best policy. Im sure that at uni, there is at least 1 woman who is into BDSM. I am just shy.

Understandable. Problem with finding someone who shares this interest is you can't just join a chess club or hang out at the local bowling ally. It was pretty tough for me to find people who shared my interest being I live in an area where there ARE none of the outlets I suggested, thus why I went the online route and eventually met people from all over, INCLUDING locally. Just took time.

 

[WakoJako]

Understandable. Problem with finding someone who shares this interest is you can't just join a chess club or hang out at the local bowling ally. It was pretty tough for me to find people who shared my interest being I live in an area where there ARE none of the outlets I suggested, thus why I went the online route and eventually met people from all over, INCLUDING locally. Just took time.

Thay is probably the most effective method, i have done online dating before and am not afraid of it, someone above suggested a BDSM personal, antoher good idea.

btw thanks for making me feel warm in the forums

 

[JMohegan]

Hey there... this is my first post so apologies if someone has done this before.

I am a guy and have been a closet BDSM lover for about 2/3 years now. I recently broke up with my girlfriend, although i never told her about this.
My question is, when i next get a girlfriend, how should i tell her that i like BDSM? I dont want to scare her away from me...?

Cheers

On which side of the coin do you ID?

 

[WakoJako]

Hmmm i think i would fall into sub...

although i woldnt mine trying a dom too...

 

[Byakuya]

It's not exactly what you'd call "hard" to find people who are into this kinda stuff, you know.

actually I think this really depends where you live.. I live in a very conservative area.. I really think one would be hard pressed to find many people who are into BDSM in this area.. most of the women I know just want to get married, pop out a few babies, and have a nice happy family..

if there are a lot of people with BDSM tendencies around here, they keep it carefully hidden..

 

[intothewoods]

When I hear something like this, I often find myself wondering if the secrecy aspect is part of the fetish. I know there are a lot of gay men who would never come out of the closet for this reason alone.

First of all, I'm starting to feel like Barack Obama is really with us here. Okay, putting that aside, really? I never knew this - there are men who aren't so much afraid to come out as much as they get off on the fear/risk/secrecy?

 

[JMohegan]

Hmmm i think i would fall into sub...

although i woldnt mine trying a dom too...

I'd have different suggestions if you ID'd firmly on the Dom side or were naturally more assertive, but given your response and earlier self-description, I'll recommend getting to know people at local munches or clubs.

 

[BiBunny]

actually I think this really depends where you live.. I live in a very conservative area.. I really think one would be hard pressed to find many people who are into BDSM in this area.. most of the women I know just want to get married, pop out a few babies, and have a nice happy family..

if there are a lot of people with BDSM tendencies around here, they keep it carefully hidden..

I live in Alabama, which is the absolute buckle of the Bible belt. I can still find people. God knows you don't walk up to 'em in the grocery store and say, "Hey, do you like tying people up?", but they're here.

 

[bdsm_librarian]

You may find some of these links from the BDSM Library useful for garnering additional information WakoJako. They are offered as an opportunity to enhance your potential knowledge base, not to dissuade from an ongoing discussion on this thread.

All the best

BRC - BDSM 101 - Article - Finding a kinky partner

How to Start a BDSM Discussion Club

Assessing Your Local Scene Essay

UK BDSM Munches

 

[Etoile]

First of all, I'm starting to feel like Barack Obama is really with us here. Okay, putting that aside, really? I never knew this - there are men who aren't so much afraid to come out as much as they get off on the fear/risk/secrecy?

I've never heard of it, personally. It might be an outsider's perception that they do, but I've never heard of this from any gay people I know.

 

[YourCaptor]

This really isn’t anything you need to dance around, most likely you can just tell her while you two are on the topic of sex. Just makes sure she doesn’t suffer any stereotypical illusions, most softer BDSM is generally what vanillas call “rough sex”.

Yes its true, we are not the crowd from the opening scene of Blade. Besides, blood in the sprinkler system doesn’t really work, everyone always forgets that it coagulates.

 

[WakoJako]

This really isn’t anything you need to dance around, most likely you can just tell her while you two are on the topic of sex. Just makes sure she doesn’t suffer any stereotypical illusions, most softer BDSM is generally what vanillas call “rough sex”.

Yer i suppose, i mean very few people do not like something different, some people want threesomes, others like roleplay.
Besides if im honest and she wants to try it then that would be great.

Yes its true, we are not the crowd from the opening scene of Blade.

Shame...

 

[h_i_s]

.....

 

[intothewoods]

And that bolded portion of this post DOES, also, cross over to include MANY who are into and actively enjoying BDSM.

Many who are married enjoy BDSM.
Many who enjoy BDSM get married.
Some who are into BDSM prefer to just 'shack up' [as do some who aren't into BDSM].
Many who are into BDSM have popped out babies [or adopt or foster to cover those too] or will eventually.
Many who want to be into BDSM have popped out babies, or will eventually.

'Normal' people who are out there living 'normal' lives ARE 'into' BDSM.

Thank you, er - (flashing to your old name here!) h_i_s. Scratch the surface of most people and you will be surprised what you discover. I have a staunchly conservative Republican friend (well, I had to have one ) who was in the scene for years. And yes, she's a mother. I know there are these mythical women whose sole life goal is to "pop out babies," but most women I know (including stay at home moms) are women and wives and lovers with a variety of interests.

 

[satindesire]

I live in Alabama, which is the absolute buckle of the Bible belt. I can still find people. God knows you don't walk up to 'em in the grocery store and say, "Hey, do you like tying people up?", but they're here.

BWAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! *can't breathe!*

 

[Byakuya]

I live in Alabama, which is the absolute buckle of the Bible belt. I can still find people. God knows you don't walk up to 'em in the grocery store and say, "Hey, do you like tying people up?", but they're here.

lol, good point.. I guess it isn't exactly a casual conversation topic..

 

[WakoJako]

lol, good point.. I guess it isn't exactly a casual conversation topic..

which was my point at the start

btw thanks for all the advice guys and girls, you will be seeing a lot more of me on the forums

 

[BiBunny]

lol, good point.. I guess it isn't exactly a casual conversation topic..

The best thing to do, I've found, if you're not into the whole "scene" (and I'm not, really) is to meet a couple of fairly local people from, say, CollarMe or something. Once you have some contacts, they'll introduce you to their kinky friends, etc., etc.