On-line D/s

[ecstaticsub]

I don't really want this to be a arguement over the validity of on-line vs non-on-line D/s relationships ( I won't use "in real life" because in my opinion on-line can be real life)

But what I do want to know from those who are in or have ever been in a committed on-line relationship is how much of it was just on-line? On-line meaning just IM and email?

I ask because of a comment about on-line being just "good writers". I know for me even though I met my Dom on a message board we moved to phone after the first two IM communications. Now with voice chat over IM we talk through there along with cam almost every day. So it is much more than being good writers.

No, it is not the same as being there. But not every D/s relationship is SM. Long distance D/s may not be the same, but it can still be very emotional and full-filling. Just for the record--I have been with my Dom about 3 yrs and we see each other in person every few months.

Is there anyone who just communicate on-line or is there at least a few phone calls?

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

I was actually just thinking about this in regards to my relationship. I would classify me and my little girl as in a long distance relationship.

We met here on Lit chatted on Yahoo, sent private messages, and e-mailed. But now that she is currently without a computer of her own we talk on the phone and text each other numerous times throughout the day.

I think of an online relationship as strictly just IM and e-mail. Once you start talking on the phone or even meeting each other in person it becomes a long distance relationship. Also if the two people WANT to take it offline and actually meet it becomes more than just an online relationship.

I mean what is an "online relationship" anymore anyways? People who are in a relationship who see each other everyday still e-mail and IM each other. Sure not as much as others but it still happens.

So what's really the difference between online relationships, long distance relationships, and a regular relationship except for physical contact?

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

In my opinion on-line can be real life as well. I used the term "real life" just cuz I see how many people don't get how deep can "online" relationships be.

I had few online Dom's and did webcam, chat on mic, phone calls as well, so hear someone saying online D/s is just about "good writers" makes me laugh really. As for my curent Dom we webcam and used to chat on mic as well. We haven't used the mic for a while now cuz the place where I live right now is just so busy and it seems theres always someone around, but I miss that teribly and I know he too cuz talk to him was very personal. I think online D/s is as real as you make it.

It's surely very real for me. The bound was made, the feelings for my Dom are there and we both know it. Theres nuthing I would like more than fly to him just right now, but I can't. I am giving a birth in 2 or 3 weeks and then I gotta take care of my lil child as long as she will needs me around fulltime. Once she will get a bit older I will do impossible to fly and meet my Dom for real. We spoke about it few days ago and we both want it and long for it.

Me kneeling infront of my Master is just a matter of time. It will take a while yes, prolly months, but it will happen... it just have to LOL. I spoke with him the other day and told him I cannot find me a Dom here in my country and I can't, I would be looking for him. I am all about him and thats something I cannot change.

Theres things I gotta take care of here first (like my unborn and my lil girl) and same with him, but we will meet, I believe we will. I dream of it daily and I won't sleep peaceful untill that happens. I don't have a prob to wait when I know it's worth it. My Master is surely worth of that waiting. I dunno what might happen in few months, but I believe me and him will last and meet. It's my lil sweet dream that keeps me going, it gives a sense to all what we do online atm.

 

[sexycaz22]

While I am not currently in a D/s*T/b relationship with anyone, I do have play partners who I see in RL. I also have been in an online relationship, twice, both very short-term relationships with 2 different Doms, at different times. Why were they short-term for me? Simply put, there were something missing - the physical contact, the emotional connection and the face-to-face communication. For me - having online relationships is not my thing. I much prefer the RL relationships, whether it to be a serious one or a playful relationship where two friends meet and have some fun!

I don't really agree with online relationships *only* as I feel for me personally, its simply only a roleplay, where two people meet and write a erotic story, BUT....if there are two people in an online relationship, who also phone/text each other, send each other emails, etc and are planning to meet in real life, then I would call it a long-distance relationship, with the expect ion of it becoming a real life meeting at the end.

I do have a great online friendship with many people, and with most of them, I am planning to meet in RL, as I don't believe in keeping it online if I do like the other person on the other end of the screen.

That's my opinion, nobody else, and nobody will ever change my opinion!

(unless you try hard!! )

 

[goodgirlfl]

I would classify my relationship with Him as an LDR that began online, we still communicate most of time that way by email and IMing. But we do talk on the phone and He has come to visit me, plus we have long range plans for me to move to be with Him. We've been together for almost 1.5 yrs.

Ours is an unique relationship to begin with, I answered a post on this board about how you met your current partner. I'll give you all the short version, we met when were 15, grew up in the same town, graduated in the same class-30 yrs later by fate we found each other again. I had a HUGE crush on Him when we were in school and I later found out that He liked me too back then. Yea pretty amazing and very awesome, and we are both very very happy that it happened.

 

[00Syd]

This is my opinion, and I'm only speaking from personal experience, not about all online relationships, just so, you know.

There was a long time after I realized that I'm submissive when I was too afraid to tell my bf about it. I was poking around online, looking for information, trying to bolster my confidence in the matter enough to tell him. I was afraid that he wouldn't be able to handle it and that it would harm our relationship, or even end it, and so I wanted to be as knowledgeable about the scene as I could be before telling him.

During my explorations into the world of D/s online I met a Dom, and we instantly clicked. When we were first IMing and emailing I saw it as a educational venture, I was trying to learn and he was teaching me about all the things I wanted to know. As the months passed, however, we began IMing more and more frequently, we began to talk on Skype, and I found myself getting very attached to him. Soon I sort of became his online pet, I was doing things in RL that he told me to, I was staying up late to talk to him on his command (time difference), we began video chatting, and after a few months more I began to feel almost owned by him.

Of course, throughout all of this, I felt incredibly, awfully guilty. I love my bf more than anyone and I knew that I was betraying him and his trust not only because of my online relationship with the Dom but also because I wasn't telling him what was bothering me, I was still afraid to tell him that I'm submissive. The entire situation was eating away at me and it really began to effect me and my daily life. I was depressed and unhappy with myself, my school work was getting worse, I became sick, and I was becoming more distant with my bf, our relationship was really suffering.

It was really hard for me to do but I ended it with my online Dom, which hurt both of us. I told my bf everything, and he was hurt that I didn't just tell him and even more hurt about my online relationship. But he was supportive, and said that he understood, and now I love him even more than I did before and we're exploring D/s together and its great.

So because of my personal experience I view online relationships as being potentially hazardous. They can pull you away from your life, and make it harder to focus on more immediate things. It really hurt me anyway.

Of course I don't think that all online relationships are bad or doomed to fail or anything. They can be great depending on your situation and who you are.

Might be a good idea to proceed with caution, however.

 

[00Syd]

Oh and yeah, I know it was a stupid situation to get myself into in the first place. But we were all young and stupid once, right?

 

[EmpressFi]

I actually was friends online with my Master 2-3 years before he knew Malin and I were poly or that I was sub. We met playing Star Wars Galaxies and became good friends. My submission to him started online as well and quickly moved to phone and IM's and PM's on our message board. A month after I started calling myself his, we met in person. I now consider our relationship more of a LDR than strictly online.

I think what some are trying to say about Online D/s being just good writers are those who dont use the phone, dont communicate outside of an IM window or PM's. It takes a lot of trust for a Dom to say, "Kneel over the chair and spank yourself 50 times", and believe that the submissive is actually doing it. It's along the same line of thinking that cybersex it just erotica that is being written on the spot.

Some may think I'm wrong and that my relationship with Master is just an online relationship. That's their priviledge. Again, with so many things, all that matters is how I see it. Someone else looking down their nose and poo-pooing my relationship just because it doesnt match their definition.. well that's just sad and I dont want to waste my time with them

 

[Netzach]

I think what some are trying to say about Online D/s being just good writers are those who dont use the phone, dont communicate outside of an IM window or PM's.

To clarify, this person actually met her slave over the phone and carries on a lot of contact over a distance, does not feel it is the same, and is really over being told that him spanking himself should be viewed identically to her doing it to him. Yeah, he does what I tell him to, know what? It's infinitely more exciting for all involved and much higher stakes when he's here. Not that it sucks at a distance, it's just like saying a lovely photo of an owl is an owl.

I have mileage with online and phone and media-based D/s and SM. BTDT. A lot.

Not the same, not by a long shot.

I'm not interested in the pissing contest, but I felt like I'm entitled to clarify where I'm coming from. It's not for lack of understanding or experience, as though if I *really* had great cyber I'd see the light.

They're two utterly enjoyable utterly different things.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Thanks so much for all your responses!

I know for both myself and my Dom the knowledge that there was a very real possibility of a real meeting made all the difference at the beginning. When I first met him I lived on the opposite coast. But made regular trips to his area to visit friends already. I just added in a little detour to see him too. Thanks to the military I am a little closer now, but still a plane trip away.

I have been asked why don't I find someone closer and try BDSM more "in real life". I have one answer-- Great Dominants who match up perfectly with the same wants and needs as myself are extremely hard to find. I would rather keep to on-line and long distance than be with someone that doesn't match up as well.

 

[ecstaticsub]

To clarify, this person actually met her slave over the phone and carries on a lot of contact over a distance, does not feel it is the same, and is really over being told that him spanking himself should be viewed identically to her doing it to him. Yeah, he does what I tell him to, know what? It's infinitely more exciting for all involved and much higher stakes when he's here. Not that it sucks at a distance, it's just like saying a lovely photo of an owl is an owl.

I have mileage with online and phone and media-based D/s and SM. BTDT. A lot.

Not the same, not by a long shot.

I'm not interested in the pissing contest, but I felt like I'm entitled to clarify where I'm coming from. It's not for lack of understanding or experience, as though if I *really* had great cyber I'd see the light.

They're two utterly enjoyable utterly different things.

Just for the record-I'm not interested in a pissing contest either, I was honestly just interested in how people who do on-line actually do it.

 

[bandelero]

This is my opinion, and I'm only speaking from personal experience, not about all online relationships, just so, you know.

There was a long time after I realized that I'm submissive when I was too afraid to tell my bf about it. I was poking around online, looking for information, trying to bolster my confidence in the matter enough to tell him. I was afraid that he wouldn't be able to handle it and that it would harm our relationship, or even end it, and so I wanted to be as knowledgeable about the scene as I could be before telling him.

During my explorations into the world of D/s online I met a Dom, and we instantly clicked. When we were first IMing and emailing I saw it as a educational venture, I was trying to learn and he was teaching me about all the things I wanted to know. As the months passed, however, we began IMing more and more frequently, we began to talk on Skype, and I found myself getting very attached to him. Soon I sort of became his online pet, I was doing things in RL that he told me to, I was staying up late to talk to him on his command (time difference), we began video chatting, and after a few months more I began to feel almost owned by him.

Of course, throughout all of this, I felt incredibly, awfully guilty. I love my bf more than anyone and I knew that I was betraying him and his trust not only because of my online relationship with the Dom but also because I wasn't telling him what was bothering me, I was still afraid to tell him that I'm submissive. The entire situation was eating away at me and it really began to effect me and my daily life. I was depressed and unhappy with myself, my school work was getting worse, I became sick, and I was becoming more distant with my bf, our relationship was really suffering.

It was really hard for me to do but I ended it with my online Dom, which hurt both of us. I told my bf everything, and he was hurt that I didn't just tell him and even more hurt about my online relationship. But he was supportive, and said that he understood, and now I love him even more than I did before and we're exploring D/s together and its great.

So because of my personal experience I view online relationships as being potentially hazardous. They can pull you away from your life, and make it harder to focus on more immediate things. It really hurt me anyway.

Of course I don't think that all online relationships are bad or doomed to fail or anything. They can be great depending on your situation and who you are.

Might be a good idea to proceed with caution, however.

Syd, I remember your first post about this situation and at the time I had thought, "Oh heck, that girl is heading for pain whichever way she takes it."

I just want you to know that I totally think you took the right choice and I am very glad that your boyfriend was so understanding about it, and about your sexual and psychological needs.
A large size pat on the back for you hun.

( / thread hijack )

 

[00Syd]

Syd, I remember your first post about this situation and at the time I had thought, "Oh heck, that girl is heading for pain whichever way she takes it."

I just want you to know that I totally think you took the right choice and I am very glad that your boyfriend was so understanding about it, and about your sexual and psychological needs.
A large size pat on the back for you hun.

( / thread hijack )

Aww, thanks so much. I very much appreciate the thought.

All the best to you...

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Thanks so much for all your responses!

I know for both myself and my Dom the knowledge that there was a very real possibility of a real meeting made all the difference at the beginning. When I first met him I lived on the opposite coast. But made regular trips to his area to visit friends already. I just added in a little detour to see him too. Thanks to the military I am a little closer now, but still a plane trip away.

I have been asked why don't I find someone closer and try BDSM more "in real life". I have one answer-- Great Dominants who match up perfectly with the same wants and needs as myself are extremely hard to find. I would rather keep to on-line and long distance than be with someone that doesn't match up as well.

Same here, I couldn't say that better!!

When two people mesh well it doesn't really matter the distance between them and I really think it's worth it. At least for me it is. It's worth of the waiting to meet HIM in real. It can take a while, but we will get there.

 

[rida]

I had an on-line only D/s relationship, meaning only IMs, e-mails and, sometime, cam. Due to timezone and life limitation, we only spoke once on the phone to wish each other good-day/good-night.

The whole relationship took me by surprise. I was not looking for one. What surprised me the most is how reading his words would cause real physical reactions in my body, how after hearing his voice, I could hear it out of the blue speaking in my mind and my body would react to it.

The feeling were real, the physical feelings were real. Even if it is true that I could have just pretended, I never lied. If I promised something, I kept my promises.

Hubby does not understand on-line relationships. He could never do it. For him, they are not real because there is not physical contact. For him, they are just "written words on a screen". He could see that the relationship was having real effects on me, but still could not understand.

What I am trying to say is that I think that either you are someone that "gets" on-line relationships or not. It probably depend on your mind, how it is wired when it comes to reading words.

For all the feeling of "reality", I am in not going to say that on-line only is the same thing as a physical relationship where you get to touch the other person.

Still ... it really blew my mind the power that his written words had on me. Real power.

(yes, I agree that it was probably my own mind making the words powerful .. but I am not totally sure about that ... I have had other IM chats, their words did not have any power on me, his words ... were powerful from the first moment I read them)

 

[ecstaticsub]

I had an on-line only D/s relationship, meaning only IMs, e-mails and, sometime, cam. Due to timezone and life limitation, we only spoke once on the phone to wish each other good-day/good-night.

The whole relationship took me by surprise. I was not looking for one. What surprised me the most is how reading his words would cause real physical reactions in my body, how after hearing his voice, I could hear it out of the blue speaking in my mind and my body would react to it.

The feeling were real, the physical feelings were real. Even if it is true that I could have just pretended, I never lied. If I promised something, I kept my promises.

Hubby does not understand on-line relationships. He could never do it. For him, they are not real because there is not physical contact. For him, they are just "written words on a screen". He could see that the relationship was having real effects on me, but still could not understand.

What I am trying to say is that I think that either you are someone that "gets" on-line relationships or not. It probably depend on your mind, how it is wired when it comes to reading words.

For all the feeling of "reality", I am in not going to say that on-line only is the same thing as a physical relationship where you get to touch the other person.

Still ... it really blew my mind the power that his written words had on me. Real power.

(yes, I agree that it was probably my own mind making the words powerful .. but I am not totally sure about that ... I have had other IM chats, their words did not have any power on me, his words ... were powerful from the first moment I read them

I never, ever would have believed that a person could feel the same kind of chemical connection with someone just on-line as when seeing someone face to face. Before my relationship with my Dom I had done quite a bit of cybersex (my husband was deployed at the time..I was desperate.. ) but although a few of the guys were friends also I didn't feel that feeling down inside that made me think of them while off-line. That is until my first IM with my Dom. The words that someone writes, the timing of responses, even the style of IMing all come into play. I didn't even see a picture of my Dom for 3 or 4 months after first chatting. (though he saw many of me.. ) I didn't ask for one, and he didn't offer. It didn't make any difference what he looked like. I think this is one of the advantages of getting to know someone on-line first. I was able to get to know him first as a person, I lusted after his mind before his body.

Rida--I agree with you that either someone "gets" on-line relationships or not. Also it totally depends on who the on-line relationship is with, and whether that special connection is made.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I'll also add that I have never done any type of self-spanking or punishment/physical discipline on-line or on cam. It doesn't do anything for either of us. He saves that for when we meet or disciplines me in non-physical ways (which is more of a punishment than a spanking anyway for me)

However, for those who say that sex on-line is not "fucking". I have to disagree. Which I admit if you asked me 3 years ago if I would say this I would say you were crazy. I love sex, all kinds of sex--vanilla, kinky, with men, with women whatever it's all fun. Though, I never really got off with masturbation. But over the past three years I have learned somethings about myself and my body. For me a great orgasm is 90% mental. If I can get that 90% through a phone line/voice chat my toys or fingers can do the other 10%. Of course, it is not the same as being there. Nothing compares to having your body wrapped around someone elses, feeling touching, tasting. But, honestly I have had many amazing orgasms lying on my bedroom floor in front of my cam listening and talking to my Dom. All of them better than some of the in person sex that I have had with some men. It helps that I have actually been with my Dom in person so my mind and body can remember how he really feels, smells and tastes but it is the power he has over me, and the feeling of surrender he brings out of me that makes it so good. This isn't fantasy land. They are honest, real, squirting/gushing body soaking multiple orgasms. What is missing is the snuggling and kissing afterwards--that I miss a great deal.

 

[rida]

I never, ever would have believed that a person could feel the same kind of chemical connection with someone just on-line as when seeing someone face to face. Before my relationship with my Dom I had done quite a bit of cybersex (my husband was deployed at the time..I was desperate.. ) but although a few of the guys were friends also I didn't feel that feeling down inside that made me think of them while off-line. That is until my first IM with my Dom. The words that someone writes, the timing of responses, even the style of IMing all come into play. I didn't even see a picture of my Dom for 3 or 4 months after first chatting. (though he saw many of me.. ) I didn't ask for one, and he didn't offer. It didn't make any difference what he looked like. I think this is one of the advantages of getting to know someone on-line first. I was able to get to know him first as a person, I lusted after his mind before his body.

Rida--I agree with you that either someone "gets" on-line relationships or not. Also it totally depends on who the on-line relationship is with, and whether that special connection is made.

The bolded part is so true. I know that personally I can be very shallow and in a vanilla setting I will dismiss someone on looks only, but also dismiss a totally hot guy because of luck of brains/wit/what's not.

One of the things I learned from my on-line relationship is that when it comes to D/s ... words are very important, timinig is very important, so many details that in a normal relationship would have no particular meaning, carry instead a lot of significance. A bit like in the Japanese language, when sometimes it is not what you say but how you say it, the word you choose, that define the power position of the speakers relative to each other.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Fro my experience, my first online was everything and more than I could have wished for. He was there for me, even when my father had a stroke and I couldn't be online as expected (I did take the time to leave an IM message for him and he was waiting when I got back from the hospital to make sure I was OK), and he was committed as was I. From memory we only ever spoke on the phone twice, and quite late in the relationship....we still hope to meet in person someday and F is Ik with that. We shared everything, and there was nothing fake about it, but I also have not heard a lot of people who have had the same experience. He also was the one who decided I had to make the move to RL or flesh to flesh for my own happiness and future and guided me through it.

Then I did gain experience of what it was like to be face to face with another and actually feel what I had longed for. I met F online, we met in the flesh 5 mopnths later and married at the same time....he returned to Europe without me untl we could sort things out...problem was neither of us could bear the ditance and not being together so the careful planning got thrown out and I moved to cease the suffering.

While I appreciate a lot of people can find contentment with online and/or distance, I could never compare it to being i the same space together as it just isn't. I also notice a lot of people who feel able to keep on with online etc., have aother relationship or play partners. I often wonder if they would be able to be as satisfied with just online and/or the occasional in the flesh experience if there was no-one else to fill the void when they were not together. I know for me there was real emotion and devotion, but it wasn't something I could have endured for years and would as my mentor said, have robbed me of the opportunity to experience all I needed and wanted.

Catalina

 

[ecstaticsub]

Fro my experience, my first online was everything and more than I could have wished for. He was there for me, even when my father had a stroke and I couldn't be online as expected (I did take the time to leave an IM message for him and he was waiting when I got back from the hospital to make sure I was OK), and he was committed as was I. From memory we only ever spoke on the phone twice, and quite late in the relationship....we still hope to meet in person someday and F is Ik with that. We shared everything, and there was nothing fake about it, but I also have not heard a lot of people who have had the same experience. He also was the one who decided I had to make the move to RL or flesh to flesh for my own happiness and future and guided me through it.

Then I did gain experience of what it was like to be face to face with another and actually feel what I had longed for. I met F online, we met in the flesh 5 mopnths later and married at the same time....he returned to Europe without me untl we could sort things out...problem was neither of us could bear the ditance and not being together so the careful planning got thrown out and I moved to cease the suffering.

While I appreciate a lot of people can find contentment with online and/or distance, I could never compare it to being i the same space together as it just isn't. I also notice a lot of people who feel able to keep on with online etc., have aother relationship or play partners. I often wonder if they would be able to be as satisfied with just online and/or the occasional in the flesh experience if there was no-one else to fill the void when they were not together. I know for me there was real emotion and devotion, but it wasn't something I could have endured for years and would as my mentor said, have robbed me of the opportunity to experience all I needed and wanted.

Catalina

I totally agree with the bolded part. If I wasn't also happily married I don't know if I could do long distance. I have to have flesh on flesh interaction doesn't have to be BDSM, vanilla is fine. But I need to be touched, hugged and held. But then again if I wasn't married with children I would pick myself up and move closer to my Dom. (well, not really. He is also married and I refuse to ever be in a mistress type of relationship. I refuse to be someones number 2 without being number 1 to someone--but that's another topic for another thread) But my point is that, at least for me if I wasn't married it would be a totally different situation.

 

[minx1]

I don't really agree with online relationships *only* as I feel for me personally, its simply only a roleplay, where two people meet and write a erotic story, BUT....if there are two people in an online relationship, who also phone/text each other, send each other emails, etc and are planning to meet in real life, then I would call it a long-distance relationship, with the expect ion of it becoming a real life meeting at the end.

That's my opinion, nobody else, and nobody will ever change my opinion!

(unless you try hard!! )

Lol I won't try and change your opinion Caz! I haven't read the thread in its entirety...I just got as far as this and wanted to make a comment.

Perhaps it is something that differs from person to person, maybe its peoples perception about what online is...I don't know, but I can honestly say that when my M and I were online we didn't just 'roleplay...... meet and write an erotic story'. We interacted as two real people, not fantasy figures. Sometimes we had cyber, but there were many different dimensions to our relationship; occasions where we would talk about work, films, music, tasks...anything and everything. I never played out a role and neither did he....I was just me; his sub and he was himself; my Master.

Initially we communicated via email but mostly im, sometimes with cam. Two weeks in, we began calling eachother on the phone and texting. We existed like this for about a year, until I came to Oz. Though even now im still plays a significant part in our relationship, as does the phone and I enjoy our time chatting on it immensely.