Friends With Benefits AKA My Dom Dumped Me
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coyotepondering
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Friends with benefits means pretty much the same thing in the BDSM world that it means anywhere else, a friendly booty call. Me thinks there is something else going on here even if the Dom in question is too chicken shit to talk about it.
catalina_francisco
Happily insatiable always
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As far as definition goes I am with Coyote. As to the rest, we only have one side of the story and it might well be there are things involved we are unaware of. Given you are married to someone else, perhaps when you explained your definiton in terms of caring, he either felt it meant more and thus would lead to divorce and a level of relationship he was not interested in, or based on other behaviour from you he felt the caring phraseology was very loaded with more than you were claiming it was with the same as the previous outcome. Could be neither and just that the relatonship had run its course but for one reason or another he didn't want to get into it with you. Only he can really answer your questions.
Catalina
Catalina
WriterDom
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What did you expect? A lifelong relationship with someone while at the same time you are fucking around on your husband? I'm not making a moral judgement here, you do what you want, but 99.99% of these things end in disaster. They might survive a few years but they end. Just be thankful you still have the husband.
ecstaticsub
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Depending on how honest she is with both her husband and Dom this is not necessarily a disaster in the making. I expect to have a lifelong relationship with my married Dom and a life long marriage to my husband. I don't see any potencial problems that we all can't handle.
To the OP--I have had a few non-D/s FWBs. Though I was not in love with them I did love them. In my own eyes a D/s FWB is much much more intense than a generic FWB. It seems your Dom wanted more of a D/s fuckbuddy than a D/s FWB.
Though it hurts the only thing I can say is appreciate his honesty and try to move on. I know, easier said then done. Hugs
WriterDom
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I'm not sure if the divorce word would have come up if this was in the open. But she can answer that if she likes.
WriterDom
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Ok, if it's in the cyber world that's one thing. But I don't see how a cyber Friend with Benefits could fuck you when you define it as:
Friend with Benefits was just someone who cared about who they were fucking
Guess it confused him as well.
Friend with Benefits was just someone who cared about who they were fucking
Guess it confused him as well.
Netzach
>semiotics?
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Um, it's way too easy to get really wrapped up in essentially co-writing erotica together? And yeah, people DO fly off and do silly things and destabilize their relationships over cyber buddies when lines are blurred. (Did it. My only defense is that I was 22 and quite insane)
All I can say is compartmentalize well and move on, maybe you didn't do anything wrong and he's just really paranoid. There will be other really good writers.
All I can say is compartmentalize well and move on, maybe you didn't do anything wrong and he's just really paranoid. There will be other really good writers.
BiaTcHiNFiRe
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Your online D/s relationship reminds me myself very much, guess thats why I understand you so well. Been there, did that. I used to live with my ex husband when I get to know my online Master and same as you I wouldnt go out and fuck strangers or anything like that cuz I loved my man very dearly. I just missed things in my life and the relationship with my online Dom filled the void.
I think lots of people dont like and dont get this "online" relationships, but for me - I loved it and love it. Before I had a man I would never cheat on in real life, due to fuck other man. I dont mind to cyber with someone cuz I dont see this as a cheating at all, but I know some people here wont agree and will say it is a cheating. Well, not for me and guess for you either, who cares of the rest. As long as you and your husband are okay with this and your Master understand your needs and wants its all good I think.
Some people wonder WHY dont you do this in real?? Why dont you find yaself a real Dom? Some you could meet for real and have all you talk about for real, experience things etc etc. I must say that its not always possible to have what we longing for or what we desire. Before I had a man so I couldnt find me any real Dom here and let him use me sexualy. Its something I just wouldnt do, ever. If I would I would have to leave my man right after cuz I wouldnt be able to look into his eyes. I am okay with this online thing. I dont mind doing things for my online Master, but when I was with my ex that was all I would do. I dunno fuck two men at the same time. If my Dom lived in my country or came here to meet me I would have to make decision with who I am gonna stay and who I would let go cuz I cannot really imagine I would have them both. It might work for some PYL's, but it surely wouldnt work for me tho.
My reasons for online D/s are these. Before I had a man, so no real meet couldnt happen and now I will have a lil child so any meet irl is impossible as well for a while cuz I wont have time for this at all. I gotta be mum first and then and only then I can be a sub. Same as before I had to be wife first and then a sub. If my Dom was my life partner as well things would be much easier. I dont have time to find me someone "just" for playing + I am not even sure if I can "just" play. I always get emotionaly involved, so its hard. I dunno fuck without feeling something for that person. I am not fancy of being just someones "fuck buddy", not at all. I want more, way much more from men/PYL.
I am just like that. Like it or not, Kate want it all.
I am sorry your relationship last just for few weeks {{{{hugs}}}}. I wish you the best so your relationship with your Dom will hopefuly work again. Talk to him, hopefuly he will listen. A good Master will listen to you and talk things out with you.
I dont live with my husband anymore, not cuz I was in this online relationship tho. Sometimes things happen and you cannot do much about it. As for me and my Dom, I am still in online relationship with him and cannot really imagine it would just end, so I understand your pain very well. I hope your Master will change his mind and recieve you back as his online sub.
Good luck, fingers crossed for ya!!!
~Kate
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Homburg
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I'm thinking the same thing.
Perhaps your co-author thought that a move to FWB was indicating a desire for physical play on your part?
catalina_francisco
Happily insatiable always
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If it was an online relationship of only a few weeks as you say, and you are reacting as you seem to be, perhaps that is what he was referring to when he said you were more drama than he wished to have in his life. If you are also doing the online thing behind your husband's back and fooling yourself it is not cheating because you have not actually touched the other person, once again it raises huge issues, especially in a D/s relationship where trust is an important cornerstone.
I can see where a Dom could easily begin to feel that after a few months you might be wanting more and heading for the divcorce courts and expecting him to be there waiting for you with open arms. In reality, he has actually told you what his problem is with having a relationship with you, but you seem unwilling to accept his words and right to make this decision for his own life....hence I suspect the too much drama reference he used. I would suggest moving on, perhaps communicating with your spouse about any issues you might be feeling unhappy with, then deciding if an online relationship is going to work for you and those you wish to have relationships with.
Catalina
I can see where a Dom could easily begin to feel that after a few months you might be wanting more and heading for the divcorce courts and expecting him to be there waiting for you with open arms. In reality, he has actually told you what his problem is with having a relationship with you, but you seem unwilling to accept his words and right to make this decision for his own life....hence I suspect the too much drama reference he used. I would suggest moving on, perhaps communicating with your spouse about any issues you might be feeling unhappy with, then deciding if an online relationship is going to work for you and those you wish to have relationships with.
Catalina
BiaTcHiNFiRe
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I dont think online D/s relationships are about "good writers". People have lots of different reasons why they do this online. The lack of time is the biggest one I think.
My online Master live in this life style for years now and he's experienced irl just as any other of you PYL's here. Life can keep us very busy, it goes for him and for me as well lately. I wouldnt say this online D/s makes him a "good writer". For me he's no less Dominant than any other PYL's around here. Busy yes, "just a good writer" NO. Those who are in online D/s relationships will agree with me that online D/s is way much more than "good writing". If I wanted "a good writer" I would go read BDSM sex stories LOL, I wanted a Dom and thats what I got.
Saying online PYL's/pyl's are just "good writers" is like if I said real life Dom's are just "good players". For me theres no difference in online/real life PYL's. All the same to me really. Yes real life Dom could touch me for real, but except that is the same thing and it just up those two how much fun they have together. And trust me you can have lots of fun online even if he cannot touch me for real. Online D/s with the right person can be powerful.
You will protest it wont ever be like the "real thing" and it wont yes. Its still enough to keep kinky twisted people happy and their needs met tho.
My online Master live in this life style for years now and he's experienced irl just as any other of you PYL's here. Life can keep us very busy, it goes for him and for me as well lately. I wouldnt say this online D/s makes him a "good writer". For me he's no less Dominant than any other PYL's around here. Busy yes, "just a good writer" NO. Those who are in online D/s relationships will agree with me that online D/s is way much more than "good writing". If I wanted "a good writer" I would go read BDSM sex stories LOL, I wanted a Dom and thats what I got.
Saying online PYL's/pyl's are just "good writers" is like if I said real life Dom's are just "good players". For me theres no difference in online/real life PYL's. All the same to me really. Yes real life Dom could touch me for real, but except that is the same thing and it just up those two how much fun they have together. And trust me you can have lots of fun online even if he cannot touch me for real. Online D/s with the right person can be powerful.
You will protest it wont ever be like the "real thing" and it wont yes. Its still enough to keep kinky twisted people happy and their needs met tho.
Netzach
>semiotics?
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On this we will just have to differ. For myriad reasons that I'll be called a bitch for pointing out.
BiaTcHiNFiRe
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intothewoods
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I know. I might change my mind once I will try it all in real heh.
Psst....I did.
BiaTcHiNFiRe
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Homburg
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Call me a bitch too. The magic of the Off Button keeps it from having any meaningful reality for me.
For those of you who have no choice, you have my sympathies, but please don't call what you do somehow the same as what I do.
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nh23
Daddy's chunky monkey. :)
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Well said. Not saying one is more valid than the other..but it can't be compared as one and the same.
twysted73
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Everything else asside...
This being pure theory on my part basing it solely on what little is offered in the way of suggestion towards his motives mixed with self-observation of others as well as my own thoughts....
He dropped you. Just like that. No warning other then a disagreement over symantics.
Tomato, tomato. Potato, potato, get the f**k out?
I would bet the farm as well as the left testicle he either tired of the online responsability or found someone close by to play with and didn't want to have the responsability of two people to keep up that level of attention and intensity with so he chose the one who could provide more for what he needed. These are the conclusions that come to me when I read your final interaction.
It's a flimsy excuse at best. Noone who professes to care for the education and eye-opening experiences of another in their very personal search for their D/s happy place would or could be so caustic and impersonal as to walk after what amounts to be a rather rediculous argument in comparison. No, he took the easy way out for him and carelessly discarded your emotional steak in this.
And if, by chance, he "really is distancing himself" due to a disagreement of definition, then the only other possability is that he's playing head games and much like unsolicited rape fantasies, unwanted and hurtful head games are not appropriate nor should they be tolerated.
Don't encourage him by begging. If he's playing games, then you're fanning the flames.
As easy as it is for me to say (and as hard for you to do) perhaps you should best put him out of your mind for the moment and focus your attentions on either your domestic situations, work, or perhaps seeking out another Dominant.
"A true Dominant by definition would never break the trust that was offered like that."
Just my two cents.
This being pure theory on my part basing it solely on what little is offered in the way of suggestion towards his motives mixed with self-observation of others as well as my own thoughts....
He dropped you. Just like that. No warning other then a disagreement over symantics.
Tomato, tomato. Potato, potato, get the f**k out?
I would bet the farm as well as the left testicle he either tired of the online responsability or found someone close by to play with and didn't want to have the responsability of two people to keep up that level of attention and intensity with so he chose the one who could provide more for what he needed. These are the conclusions that come to me when I read your final interaction.
It's a flimsy excuse at best. Noone who professes to care for the education and eye-opening experiences of another in their very personal search for their D/s happy place would or could be so caustic and impersonal as to walk after what amounts to be a rather rediculous argument in comparison. No, he took the easy way out for him and carelessly discarded your emotional steak in this.
And if, by chance, he "really is distancing himself" due to a disagreement of definition, then the only other possability is that he's playing head games and much like unsolicited rape fantasies, unwanted and hurtful head games are not appropriate nor should they be tolerated.
Don't encourage him by begging. If he's playing games, then you're fanning the flames.
As easy as it is for me to say (and as hard for you to do) perhaps you should best put him out of your mind for the moment and focus your attentions on either your domestic situations, work, or perhaps seeking out another Dominant.
"A true Dominant by definition would never break the trust that was offered like that."
Just my two cents.
Homburg
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It's not that hard. Temporary submissions work, as does assumptive submission.
Recurring play partners are fairly common in BDSM, and I see little difference between a recurring play partner and FWB. If we're friends, and we have sex once, we're not FWB. If we have repeats, it's FWB. If we play once, we're not play partners. If we do it repeatedly, we're play partners. Not much of a difference IMO.
Homburg
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Do what? Admittedly, 'true' is one of my least favourite words to see in this milieu, but what does this have to do with breach of trust? And what does breach of trust have to do with dominance, true or otherwise?
"This isn't working. You are dismissed" is a perfectly honest way to handle the end of a relationship in this world. It's not very soft and friendly, but it is acceptable. This guy just did the same thing. It wasn't working, so the pyl was dismissed. How is it breach of trust?
When I take on a submissive, I'm not somehow inscribing eternal love and support on my soul. It sounds lovely, but it is just not likely. When I take on a submissive, it is for as long as the relationship is mutually healthy, beneficial, and enjoyable. (slaves are a different story, thus why I said submissive instead of pyl or something else) There's no assumption that it will be forever. If wahoo distance dom told her that he would love her forever and ever, it might be breach of trust, but "I'll love you forever. We'll never part." has about as much value as "We're from the government. We're here to help."
Yeah, dismissal sucks. Abandonment blows. But it's not a breach of trust.
