How much are you willing to take or do for your PYL???

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I was thinking about this for a while now and I am wonderig how much some of you sub's are willing to take or do for your PYL.

How does your PYL treats you in real life? Can you really say your opinion loud or you afraid to get punished if you did. I am talking about the treating "behind" the door. I think theres alot of sub's who let themselvs treat like a dog, in a bad way of this meaning.

I wouldnt have a prob if my PYL treated me like a dog, actualy I find it exciting "while sexual play", but for a real life? No way. I need a man whos caring, respectful and can be trusted. I wouldnt stay with a man who I would obey just cuz I am afraid of him even for 5 mins.

I am talking about this cuz I know someone whos in this kind of relationship. Think she do not realise shes submissive, but she is. Her bf is very dominant, but not the way he calls himself a Dom, but he got the last word ya know. Hes control freak, manipulative and gets agressive quite easily. If you saw him irl you wouldnt believe hes like this "behind" the door. He looks like teddy bear, but he can be pretty rough. Hes easily provoked, by anything really and he dont have a prob to hit her anytime if she dont do what he says and when he says.

Last time she was just checking SMS on her mobile, SMS from her daughter, he didnt believe her it was from her daughter so he just turn and slaped her hard across the face. Made her lip bleed. She was shocked cuz what he did was totaly unexpected at time when she ate her lunch. As much as I would love to get hurt by my PYL, this is not the case or how I would want it for sure.

I called police on this man and they kicked him outta her flat. 30 mins later she brought him back home....... WTF!?! I dont get this. I mean, he hurt her. She was crying and very dissapointed, but he SMS her she went to meet him and then brought him back. Like a dog. He hits her and she will still run to him after. I dont get this kind of men and I dont get the girl either. She deserves so much more than what hes giving her, but shes staying with this abuser who wouldnt mind to hit her anytime if she wont do what shes told.

She cannot meet her friends without him, she cannot go out with her kids without him, she cannot go do shopings without him, he control her via mobile if shes at the job or where she is, why shes there, when she will be back etc etc..... geez they going together even on the toilet. When her daughter wanna talk alone with her they usualy do it while they smoke, but even then hes usualy around, so her kids cannot talk to thier own mum alone. He demand he must hear/know it too, everything.

This treating is SO WRONG and I truly hate it, the more cuz the girl is my sister. But its hard to help someone who dont wanna be helped...... ~sigh~

She says she loves him and I know she does, but still...... let someone treat you like this is so sad. I am trying to understand her, trying to understand her reasons why shes staying with him, but I cant. None of our family can really, but shes protecting him like a lion.

Last time I spoke with her about it she told me "be quiet, you're just like me when it comes to Pavel (my ex husband)", but I dont think I am the same in this. Well yes I used to protect him too and I still do sometimes, but I wouldnt let him beat me or control me this sick way as her bf does. My ex have hit me just once, well twice, but I told him it was the fucking last time he did it. My ex can be agressive and manipulative as well yes, but he was still a good boy acording my sisters bf.

Her bf is okay, "sometimes", but he gets so easily agressive and mad that I couldnt live with him and I can just wonder that my sister can. Oh well, its her life, but I wish her more than that. She had a "good" boyfriends, but she usualy left them saying they was "too nice" to her LOL. Well if shes into pain as much as I am I understand that, but let someone treat me like this? Fuck NO! I would never be with a man like her bf. He can be nice, but he can be bastard as well. Be with someone who would hit me if I said something he might not like? Cant do. I would be afraid to talk at all in a while and I dont wanna be afraid of my PYL/husband/bf.


Thats why I am asking how much are you willing to take.

Where are the limits for you? What is a bit "too much" for you and whats still okay? Can you say and do random things without a fear you will get punished or beaten out? Can you do things without your PYL? Can you go out just by yourself? If you feel your PYL treating you in a bad way, would you say it or you rather keep it for yaself cuz you afraid how he might react? Do you really do anything your PYL want/demand on you? Do you do that cuz you want to? cuz you scared of him or cuz you love him THAT much??

I think there are nice Dom's and nice caring sadists, I am not sure how I would label bf of my sister, but there wouldnt be much "nice" in it for sure. He can be nice yes, but the knowing he have no prob to hit a women (and kids either) makes him a "pain in the ass" for me. He could be nice as he wished, but once I would know he might hit me in other way than sexual I would hate that person. I love pain, but any men who hits a women like he does is a sad fucker for me. I'd tolerate pain and this things just from my PYL and he would still know my limits and when its okay and when its not, but this man got totaly no limits. You never know when you will get one from him and thats something I couldnt live with no matter how much I would love that person. Would be rather all alone than with this kind of men.

 

[HottieMama]

Your sister is with an abusive fuck. End of story.

Where are the limits for you?

They have all been discussed and have been respected.

What is a bit "too much" for you and whats still okay?

Anything involving my kids, innocent bystanders, etc...is a *bit* too much.

Can you say and do random things without a fear you will get punished or beaten out?

Yes, my PYL is NOT an abuser. There are very clear rules and guidelines. i would never be disciplined for something "random." THat's not how it works.

Can you do things without your PYL?

Yep.

Can you go out just by yourself?

Yep, and would NEVER give up my ability to do so.

If you feel your PYL treating you in a bad way, would you say it or you rather keep it for yaself cuz you afraid how he might react?

Say something. My relationship is built on communication. Without communication EVERYTHING fails.

Do you really do anything your PYL want/demand on you?

Yes.

Do you do that cuz you want to? cuz you scared of him or cuz you love him THAT much as??

Because i want to and because of love/caring/affection. Being scared would be the first indicator for me that something was terribly wrong.

 

[snowy ciara]

My general impression is that she may be a submissive, but he's not a Dom, by any stretch of the word. He's an abusive fuck, but she needs to make the decision to leave. As much as it bites ass to see a loved one in this position, the best we can do is to be ready when she makes that call, and help her be strong and not go back to him when she does, and pray that she makes it before she gets hurt too badly, or killed.

How does your PYL treats you in real life? Can you really say your opinion loud or you afraid to get punished if you did. I am talking about the treating "behind" the door. I think theres alot of sub's who let themselvs treat like a dog, in a bad way of this meaning.

I don't state my opinion enough. I tend to be soft spoken and terminally shy in real life, which frustrates the hell out of her. I am expected to state my opinion and stand up for myself. She is not an abuser, but I have been in that situation before. It won't happen again.

Where are the limits for you? What is a bit "too much" for you and whats still okay? Can you say and do random things without a fear you will get punished or beaten out? Can you do things without your PYL? Can you go out just by yourself? If you feel your PYL treating you in a bad way, would you say it or you rather keep it for yaself cuz you afraid how he might react? Do you really do anything your PYL want/demand on you? Do you do that cuz you want to? cuz you scared of him or cuz you love him THAT much??

Like HM, my limits are negotiated with Ms. T. They're not for public dissemination. But I can tell you that Ms. T does not use physical violence for training or punishment. I can say and do random things without fear of retribution. Not punishment. IMHO, what your sister is putting up with is retribution. I can do things without her, or her other subs. It is expected of me. She pushes me to get out more, since I'm a bit reclusive and introspective by nature. I am expected, health permitting, to get out of my house in a non work capacity at least once a week. When my health does not permit, she comes over and brings someone else, if I'm up to it. If I feel she is treating me badly or unfairly or if I am uncomfortable, I am expected to tell her. Again, this is hard for me. I find it excruciating to tell her this stuff, as if I've failed somehow. But I haven't and if something does go wrong, she doesn't blame me. She helps me get through my shit, and good god almighty, I have a lot to get through sometimes!

Your last question, I do not fear my Domme. I shy away from words like "love", "in love" and all that. But I care for her very deeply and what's more I trust her. She will not do anything that she knows will cause me physical and emotional damage, so as long as we are communicating well, I trust her THAT much. Sometimes it doesn't work out. Sometimes I have panic attacks at the mall when it's too crowded and I'm alone in the crowd and scared but she made me go. When I call her for help, she comes and she does not punish. She supports. She helps. I am never punished for an honest failure of nerve or a sincere misunderstanding or a random act or thought. To do so would be abusive. If I have to take three steps back to go one step forward, so be it.

I pray your sister gets help soon, for you and for your family. Especially for her kids, as they frequently end up being collateral damage in situations like this.

 

[madetotakeit]

There is nothing PYL/pyl about the relationship you described with your sister and her boyfriend. It is abuser and abused. Hands down a situation I would not place myself in. There first sign it could happen and I am out of there. Unfortunately only she can remove herself from the situation and break the cycle.

As far as what I would do for my PYL...It all comes down to compatibility and more importantly trust. The more he earns my trust, the more I am going to want to please him. The more I respect him, the more I am willing to do. The right combination and I would be willing to go pretty far. I would never do anything out of fear because if I have any true fear of him, he is not someone I should be with. As far as limits...those are negotiable aside from the hard limits. The hard limits are very basic and will not change.

 

[Netzach]

I don't know what to say to someone in that situation, except maybe to ask her if it's OK with her if her kid (son or daughter) learns that it's OK and right. Because that is what the kid will learn. Sometimes women with no self preservation will do something for their kids' sake.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I was thinking about this for a while now and I am wonderig how much some of you sub's are willing to take or do for your PYL.

How does your PYL treats you in real life? Can you really say your opinion loud or you afraid to get punished if you did. I am talking about the treating "behind" the door. I think theres alot of sub's who let themselvs treat like a dog, in a bad way of this meaning.

I wouldnt have a prob if my PYL treated me like a dog, actualy I find it exciting "while sexual play", but for a real life? No way. I need a man whos caring, respectful and can be trusted. I wouldnt stay with a man who I would obey just cuz I am afraid of him even for 5 mins.

I am talking about this cuz I know someone whos in this kind of relationship. Think she do not realise shes submissive, but she is. Her bf is very dominant, but not the way he calls himself a Dom, but he got the last word ya know. Hes control freak, manipulative and gets agressive quite easily. If you saw him irl you wouldnt believe hes like this "behind" the door. He looks like teddy bear, but he can be pretty rough. Hes easily provoked, by anything really and he dont have a prob to hit her anytime if she dont do what he says and when he says.

Last time she was just checking SMS on her mobile, SMS from her daughter, he didnt believe her it was from her daughter so he just turn and slaped her hard across the face. Made her lip bleed. She was shocked cuz what he did was totaly unexpected at time when she ate her lunch. As much as I would love to get hurt by my PYL, this is not the case or how I would want it for sure.

I called police on this man and they kicked him outta her flat. 30 mins later she brought him back home....... WTF!?! I dont get this. I mean, he hurt her. She was crying and very dissapointed, but he SMS her she went to meet him and then brought him back. Like a dog. He hits her and she will still run to him after. I dont get this kind of men and I dont get the girl either. She deserves so much more than what hes giving her, but shes staying with this abuser who wouldnt mind to hit her anytime if she wont do what shes told.

She cannot meet her friends without him, she cannot go out with her kids without him, she cannot go do shopings without him, he control her via mobile if shes at the job or where she is, why shes there, when she will be back etc etc..... geez they going together even on the toilet. When her daughter wanna talk alone with her they usualy do it while they smoke, but even then hes usualy around, so her kids cannot talk to thier own mum alone. He demand he must hear/know it too, everything.

This treating is SO WRONG and I truly hate it, the more cuz the girl is my sister. But its hard to help someone who dont wanna be helped...... ~sigh~

She says she loves him and I know she does, but still...... let someone treat you like this is so sad. I am trying to understand her, trying to understand her reasons why shes staying with him, but I cant. None of our family can really, but shes protecting him like a lion.

Last time I spoke with her about it she told me "be quiet, you're just like me when it comes to Pavel (my ex husband)", but I dont think I am the same in this. Well yes I used to protect him too and I still do sometimes, but I wouldnt let him beat me or control me this sick way as her bf does. My ex have hit me just once, well twice, but I told him it was the fucking last time he did it. My ex can be agressive and manipulative as well yes, but he was still a good boy acording my sisters bf.

Her bf is okay, "sometimes", but he gets so easily agressive and mad that I couldnt live with him and I can just wonder that my sister can. Oh well, its her life, but I wish her more than that. She had a "good" boyfriends, but she usualy left them saying they was "too nice" to her LOL. Well if shes into pain as much as I am I understand that, but let someone treat me like this? Fuck NO! I would never be with a man like her bf. He can be nice, but he can be bastard as well. Be with someone who would hit me if I said something he might not like? Cant do. I would be afraid to talk at all in a while and I dont wanna be afraid of my PYL/husband/bf.


Thats why I am asking how much are you willing to take.

Where are the limits for you? What is a bit "too much" for you and whats still okay? Can you say and do random things without a fear you will get punished or beaten out? Can you do things without your PYL? Can you go out just by yourself? If you feel your PYL treating you in a bad way, would you say it or you rather keep it for yaself cuz you afraid how he might react? Do you really do anything your PYL want/demand on you? Do you do that cuz you want to? cuz you scared of him or cuz you love him THAT much??

I think there are nice Dom's and nice caring sadists, I am not sure how I would label bf of my sister, but there wouldnt be much "nice" in it for sure. He can be nice yes, but the knowing he have no prob to hit a women (and kids either) makes him a "pain in the ass" for me. He could be nice as he wished, but once I would know he might hit me in other way than sexual I would hate that person. I love pain, but any men who hits a women like he does is a sad fucker for me. I'd tolerate pain and this things just from my PYL and he would still know my limits and when its okay and when its not, but this man got totaly no limits. You never know when you will get one from him and thats something I couldnt live with no matter how much I would love that person. Would be rather all alone than with this kind of men.

ok..just because she takes him back everytime he apologizes etc..does NOT make her a submissive. i'm going to come back to this because i'm tired right now and my thoughts are not clear. i am a survivor of domestic abuse myself and there is nothing about the relationship that is D/s. and i know it's hard to understand why your sister stays with him, but if you've not been in her shoes, it's really really hard to 'get it' she doesn't stay because she's submissive. she stays because she's scared or possibly because she believes him when he apologizes and says it won't happen again.

abusers are very good at what they do. they are very good at making you believe that they are sorry for doing what they did and pulling you back in. i was in this type of relationship for 10 years. they are also very good at convincing you that no one but them would ever want you or put up with you. i'm sorry that your sister is going through this, but honestly, until she WANTS to get out, truly WANTS to get out for good, there is nothing you can do. it sucks, i know, but it's just the way it is. as you said, you can't help someone who doesn't want the help.....

 

[SpencerAlanMacLeod]

The other people who have responded here have said it far better than I could.

So I'm going to ask a couple of questions of you instead:

What are your limits?
Specifically, what are your limits when it comes to helping family members who don't want help?

Exactly where do you draw your line?

With me, I have learned to offer help to those who seem to need it.
But if it is refused, ignored or otherwise disrespected, I withdraw my offer.
It is a case of not getting burned twice by the same fire.

 

[catalina_francisco]

There is a huge difference between abuse and D/s. That being said, you are not experienced enough IMO to be offering her help, especially insisting she should get rid of him etc. She has to be the one to make that decision, she has to be in a place where she feels able to carry through with leaving AND be safe, and she has to feel her right to choose her future path is respected by you and others. Most women in abusive relationships who leave do go back at least once...that is because it is not as simple as saying it is abuse and moving on. It is hugely emotional and psychologically damaging to the point it can take years to feel secure enough to trust your own feelings and decisions enough to leave.

Being pushed by others often results in what you are seeing now, her defence of her man and her relationship. The more you push and judge her for her situation, the more you are pushing her back into his control and aiding him in isolating her from everyone else who cares. Back off and be there if and when she asks for your help as to do otherwise could not only push her more into staying, but could also leave you feeling responsible if something horribly tragic occured as a result of her following your advice. By now she will have knowledge of abuse from the police I suspect, as well as you, and she needs time to process that, make her plans if she chooses leaving, and decide if it is safe to even contemplate leaving.

Catalina

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I agree with Catalina and I think also that you should consider the ramifications before you do things like call the police out. I understand your motivation and it is admirable but I also wonder whether all it achieved was to give him something else to be mad at her about.

I can never understand why women stay in relationships like that, women with kids I understand even less. I do know that it's not simple and a good friend of mine went through much of the same shit a few years ago.

I think that the best you can do is always be there as an option for her. Offer to take her kids for a day or two to give them a break from such a stressful environment. Don't get fed up with her and be tempted to say 'I've tried to get you to leave him, now you're on your own.'

Just the fact that she knows you're there and she knows you won't do anything that results in making things worse for her is a gift.

The day she decides to walk and means it, by all means pull all the stops out. It must be when she's ready though. Every failed attempt will further erode her self esteem and convince her that she 'can't' leave, that she's not capable. You really don't want to do that.

 

[Netzach]

by all means pull all the stops out

Yes. And don't think you are being overdramatic. She may have to be prepared to disappear completely. Start piling things you think might help, save a little cash for her, plan whatever you think you can, put the energy you want to put into shaking her by the shoulders and screaming into the plan of action if she ever chooses to get out.

 

[EmpressFi]

I think HM said everything I wanted to say

My Master does strike me across the face, but because I like it and never, has he broken the skin. Because I'm married, we actually discussed physical limits together - me, Malin and my Master. We discussed what would be allowed and wouldnt both if Malin were present and absent.

I dont think he's a Dominant. He's ..what's the going term.. abusive fuckhead. And I agree with Netz, start gathering what you can to help prepare her to leave. I just hope she does .

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Your sister is with an abusive fuck. End of story.

They have all been discussed and have been respected.

Anything involving my kids, innocent bystanders, etc...is a *bit* too much.

Yes, my PYL is NOT an abuser. There are very clear rules and guidelines. i would never be disciplined for something "random." THat's not how it works.

Yep.

Yep, and would NEVER give up my ability to do so.

Say something. My relationship is built on communication. Without communication EVERYTHING fails.

Yes.

Because i want to and because of love/caring/affection. Being scared would be the first indicator for me that something was terribly wrong.

He's manipulative fuck yes, untill shes willing to let him abuse her not much I can do about it tho. But I am around anytime she needs me, well we live in the same flat. She knows she can come to me and I would help and she knows I am watching him and how he treats them. Not cuz I would like to mess with her life or anything like that, but she's my sister, I can't just watch as someone treats her or her kids shit.

If I was so scared of my Dom as she's scared of her bf sometimes I would surely end that relationship. I need someone loving and caring, someone who would support me, not someone of who I would have to be afraid if I came home 5 mins later than I should. Control freak is something I really don't need in my life.

As for your replies to my questions, thank you HottieMama!

 

[lil_slave_rose]

He's manipulative fuck yes, untill shes willing to let him abuse her not much I can do about it tho. But I am around anytime she needs me, well we live in the same flat. She knows she can come to me and I would help and she knows I am watching him and how he treats them. Not cuz I would like to mess with her life or anything like that, but she's my sister, I can't just watch as someone treats her or her kids shit.

If I was so scared of my Dom as she's scared of her bf sometimes I would surely end that relationship. I need someone loving and caring, someone who would support me, not someone of who I would have to be afraid if I came home 5 mins later than I should. Control freak is something I really don't need in my life.

As for your replies to my questions, thank you HottieMama!

you're giving your needs. obviously hers are different. i understand that you would not deal with this in your life, though honestly, if you've never been there then you seriously cannot sit here and say that you KNOW what you would do in this situation. it's really hard to leave this type of relationship. it's not one that you just get up and walk out of because too many women have wound up dead by doing that.

it's easy to sit on the outside and say things like "i don't know why she stays, she should just leave his ass, that's what i'd do" but when it's happening to you you are scared and don't know what to do. you know that if you tell him you're leaving you're probably not going to make it out alive. it's not like he's just going to be ok with her walking out on him.

i left my ex husband one night while he was at work. i planned it for 6 months before i actually left. i would pack little bits at a time so that he wouldn't notice that anything was missing. and the day that i left, i took my computer, a bag of clothes, and 2 bags of my kids clothes. and left EVERYTHING else behind. when he got off work and came home and found out i was gone he drove his sorry abusive ass to my dad's house and barged in my dad's house screaming my name. screaming that if i didn't get me and my kids out in the car and go home with him he was going to kill every person in the house. he was serious. me leaving was a HUGE blow to his ego and to his control over me. he knew he had lost it and was trying to regain it.

i came out of the bedroom and calmed him down enough to get him out of my dads house. i was stupid and i shouldn't have gone outside with him, but i did. i thought if i could just talk to him i could get him to understand. wrong answer. we went outside and i got in the car with him and he started apologizing and telling me it would never happen again he promised, just come home and things would be better. i told him no, that i wasn't going anywhere with him and he got angry and started shouting that he'd just take off in the car right now and kill us both. he started the car and started to back up and i jumped out of the car. he put it in park, got out of the car and tried to drag me back in it. then when he realized i wasnt going anywhere he dropped to the ground beside me and started crying again, telling me he was nothing without me and that he was just going to kill himself.

i told him go ahead, do it. he kissed me, got up and left. no, he didn't kill himself he had a new girlfriend in a month whom he married the day after our divorce was final. the whole point to my story is this: the reason she stays is because she is scared to leave. and like cat said you and her friends or anyone else that tries to get involved are just making it worse for her. my friend used to mouth off to him all of the time when he would treat me like shit in front of her, what she didn't know was when she left i got the shit beat out of me for everything that she had said to him. for telling her things about our life, etc...

i know it's your sister and i know it's hard to sit back and just watch it all happen, but i assure you, calling the cops or anything else you are doing to intervene with his control is only making it worse for her. and besides, calling the cops isn't going to do any good if she doesn't leave him. she will make excuses for him and yea he might go to jail for the night or be told to leave for the night but he'll come back, crawling begging forgiveness and she'll continue to take him back until SHE'S ready and feels confident enough to leave. that's just the way it is. all you can do is be there when she decides she's had enough. *shrugs* i don't know what else to say so i'll end my post here and wish you and your sister both good luck.

 

[ownedsubgal]

this is a tough one. we're all outsiders looking in. even you Bia, you are not with them every second and more significantly, you possibly do not know what force could be holding them together, what mutual love and affection may be there, etc. this relationship may be exactly what your sister desires. as you said, she compared her relationship to one you had with an ex, so it may simply be no big deal/that's life to her. then again, she may be miserable and secretly wish to leave, but either way that's something she has to deal with on her own, at least initially, because your pushing or urging her to leave or drop him may only serve to draw her closer to him.

now i'll try answering some of the questions you posed:
Where are the limits for you? there are none, i am a slave.
What is a bit "too much" for you and whats still okay? too much for me to handle emotionally or mentally? i'm not sure, there have been many things that in the past i would have said would be too much, going too far, would break me to the point of no return, etc., and he subjected me to them, i survived them, and came out stronger in the end.
Can you say and do random things without a fear you will get punished or beaten out? no i cannot, and i would not wish to be in a relationship in which i could do or say anything, and my actions had no consequences. i must think about what i say before i say it, consider my actions carefully being actually going through with them. saying and doing "random" things will absolutely earn me a beating.
Can you do things without your PYL? yes, i am allowed to go out and do some things outside of his presence, with his full knowledge, consent, contacting me regularly throughout, and of course in the care of someone he trusts, never alone.
Can you go out just by yourself? nope.
If you feel your PYL treating you in a bad way, would you say it or you rather keep it for yaself cuz you afraid how he might react? define "bad"? He has the right to treat me however he pleases. sometimes he is overwhelmingly kind and tender, even spoiling me. other times he is cold and cruel. neither is right or wrong, it just is.
Do you really do anything your PYL want/demand on you? yes, he would not accept anything else.
Do you do that cuz you want to? cuz you scared of him or cuz you love him THAT much?? i do it first and foremost because it is my place to do as he wishes. secondly i do it out of my own personal desire to please him. i also love him like crazy, and fear him like nothing i've ever encountered before. the love and fear do not make me obey however, they simply drive me to do so really, really well.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Originally Posted by snowy ciara
My general impression is that she may be a submissive, but he's not a Dom, by any stretch of the word. He's an abusive fuck, but she needs to make the decision to leave. As much as it bites ass to see a loved one in this position, the best we can do is to be ready when she makes that call, and help her be strong and not go back to him when she does, and pray that she makes it before she gets hurt too badly, or killed.

I am more than sure she is submissive and yes he's not a Dom at all I know. He have a very dominant side tho, so I can imagine Dom's like him does excist, thats also why I have used him as an example.

As for being ready to help her when she makes that call I can just say that she already did few times. She loves him, but she hates the way he treats her at times. She knows very well it's not alright, but she always fell back into his arms. They argue, she kick him out, he phone her and she runs to him... What can I say. She's adult, I cannot tie her to the bed so she wouldn't take him back once he's gone. We told her she will be so much better without him, her kids beg her not to take him back. Didn't help.

My sister have her own head, just as me I guess LOL, we are both very hard headed when it comes to whats right and wrong for us. Easy to be manipulated I would say or dunno how to call it. I get out of an abusive relationship, but hey it took me yearrrrrs to do that step and I still feel the bound between me and my ex when I see him. He surely still have a great influence on me and it's something I am really scared of cuz I don't wanna fall back into his arms again and I feel I could so easily.

I have a lot of understanding for my sister cuz I know how it feels like when you feel draged back to someone over and over again eventho you know you are so much better without them......

Originally Posted by snowy ciara
I don't state my opinion enough. I tend to be soft spoken and terminally shy in real life, which frustrates the hell out of her. I am expected to state my opinion and stand up for myself. She is not an abuser, but I have been in that situation before. It won't happen again.

I might talk alot on this board, but for real life I am quite shy and silent person. I am expected to state my opinion and stand up for myself as well. Can't say it's what I always do tho. I am often quiet and comply instead of stand up for myself. It's something my Dom is not really happy about cuz the way I am makes me an easy target for the abusers, I am working on that.

Your last question, I do not fear my Domme. I shy away from words like "love", "in love" and all that. But I care for her very deeply and what's more I trust her. She will not do anything that she knows will cause me physical and emotional damage, so as long as we are communicating well, I trust her THAT much. Sometimes it doesn't work out. Sometimes I have panic attacks at the mall when it's too crowded and I'm alone in the crowd and scared but she made me go. When I call her for help, she comes and she does not punish. She supports. She helps. I am never punished for an honest failure of nerve or a sincere misunderstanding or a random act or thought. To do so would be abusive. If I have to take three steps back to go one step forward, so be it.

I do not fear my Dom either. It took us months to get to the point where I can freely say I trust him enough to meet him irl without fear I might get hurt. I do not trust people kinda easily, but my Dom does have my trust. As much as I know he will listen to me it's still hard for me to say when I don't like something. There are times when I still have doubts and fears about certain things, but we always talk it out, as soon as I am willing to say it loud LOL, and then we are okay again.

I must say my Dom have some holy patience with me and lots of understanding for my fears and insecurity when I get that way. I am thankful for that to no end. He's a supporting Master and I cannot wait untill I see him face to face, so I could prove him my devotion to him for real.

I pray your sister gets help soon, for you and for your family. Especially for her kids, as they frequently end up being collateral damage in situations like this.

Thank you. I am around, so once she will get to the point where she will REALLY want to leave him, I am here to help her with it, but she gotta let me. Untill then I can just watch over her and her kids.

~Kate

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

There is nothing PYL/pyl about the relationship you described with your sister and her boyfriend. It is abuser and abused. Hands down a situation I would not place myself in. There first sign it could happen and I am out of there. Unfortunately only she can remove herself from the situation and break the cycle.

It's abuse yes. Thing is you never really know the person untill you live with them for a while, so it's easy to say "it's situation I would not place myself in". I don't really think what she have atm is what she wanted when she let him move into our flat. She thought she knew him, she was wrong and she knows that, she's not willing to let go yet tho. Only she can break the cycle indeed. Once she will decide to do so I am here to help her.

As far as what I would do for my PYL...It all comes down to compatibility and more importantly trust. The more he earns my trust, the more I am going to want to please him. The more I respect him, the more I am willing to do. The right combination and I would be willing to go pretty far. I would never do anything out of fear because if I have any true fear of him, he is not someone I should be with. As far as limits...those are negotiable aside from the hard limits. The hard limits are very basic and will not change.

I would do quite anything for my Dom I think, did the same for my man when we lived together. It does require the trust and respect tho yes, on both sides. I am easy, I love to keep my man/PYL happy and satisfied, but I do expect and need to be treated with love and respect and thats something I was missing in relationship with my ex. Be nice to someone who will fuck others, lie to you and use you just when he needs you is not what I expected to get back for being there for him anytime. I was there for him and expected him to be there for me back, but thats something that just didn't work with my ex. You never knew what the next day will bring with him. He was here today and gone tomorrow.

As you said "it's situation I would not place myself in" and I don't wanna put myself in this situation again either, but as someone here said this kind of people know very well how to get you where they need you.

I get a SMS from my ex today telling me this exactely "Hi hun, I am leaving tuesday for few days, if you wanna see me before I leave or if you need me just lemme know okay." I was like WTF?! I am nervous about this cuz once he start to be so nice to me I know he wants me back, been there before. I can just say I really wish he was all about his new gf right now cuz I don't feel like I am over him at all. And it suck. One thing is to know whats right, the other and very different thing is to keep the distance from someone you still love somehow someway.

The trust between me and my ex has been broken, but I am way to easy to forgive, so I am fucking nervous about his next steps. Wish he lived on a different planet really, fs.

Thank you for your comments!

~Kate

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I don't know what to say to someone in that situation, except maybe to ask her if it's OK with her if her kid (son or daughter) learns that it's OK and right. Because that is what the kid will learn. Sometimes women with no self preservation will do something for their kids' sake.

I told her if she think it's a good for her kids to live like this. Thing is she don't think "he's that bad". Well she does, but just sometimes, when he gets agressive or when he control every her step, then she's open to talk about it and she's willing to say she don't like the way he treats her, but this usualy take just a while and then she's back in his arms being all nice to him. She dunno be mad for a long time, not long enough to get ride of him.

 

[Novelust]

PLEASE don't get 'submissives' and 'abused' mixed up! There is a huge difference. People who are submissive in the BDSM sense are very strong, vocal, opinionated people. They are ALLOWING themselves to receive only the amount of physical pain they want. It is all worked out between the two people exactly what is acceptable, and what is not. And, if by chance, something should happen that crosses their boundaries; they speak up and set things right!
Someone who is abused doesn't get a voice. They don't get respect. They have no choice in what the abuser does to them. They are threatened, cowered, and mind-fucked into staying with the abuser - they don't stay because they enjoy the abuse.
It is an entirely different scenario.

Your friend is in an abusive relationship, it's not sexy, it doesn't turn either of them on, he doesn't respect her, and she may love him, but she's afraid of him.

Unfortunately, until she's ready, she won't get out of it. The most you can do is continue being in her life, as an avenue of escape.
I've known so many abused women.. and they usually end up friendless because the 'friends' got tired of her going back.. and going back... and going back.
When they finally decided to leave; nobody was left.
So if you can, stay on the sidelines. So that if she does decide to run for it, she'll have someone to help her connect to the agencies that specialize in hiding abused women.

Again: abuse is NOT a BDSM relationship.