Experience vs New Explorer

[madetotakeit]

This is a variation of a question ecstaticsub posed to another poster in a thread on the Cafe board. Thanks for the inspiration. Inquiring minds want to know.

What is better in what you enjoy with a pyl, someone who has a checklist filled with "have done" and has narrowed down the specifics or an open minded newbie who doesn't know but is anxious to find out?

As someone who has more on her "to do" list than "done that" list I wonder how some PYL's think about that. I know individual results will vary, but what are the opinions?

The first time I looked at a list, I was a bit overwhelmed. I wasn't sure if I would enjoy many things on there. For one thing there seemed to be so many things on the list. It can be a lot to process for what was truly a vanilla who had dabbled but knew this is the direction her life should go. It's a bit like taking a test for which you know the subject but not the course.

For me there is that small voice that frets over not being experienced enough. I know everyone has to start somewhere, but it seemed daunting at how much I wasn't sure of. I had some clues as to what interested me from research, erotica, and porn. On the other hand I couldn't say with certainty how I would react to say having my clit slapped (a resounding addition to the green list by the way) until I actually felt it. What it boils down to is while there are not as many things I have done, there are a multitude of things that I am willing to try...want to try.

As a PYL do you prefer a partner who is experienced, someone who can list their interests and thresholds in concrete terms? Or do you enjoy a partner who will take more work but is willing to try what is brought as a possibility? Do you get like being the one to provide the first experience, see the joy when something is enjoyed for the first time? Does entering virgin territory add to your enjoyment or detract?

I'm just curious about opinions. (And by the way the second time I filled out a checklist-while it was still very jaundiced-there were things that I added and after sending thought of more I could have included. )

 

[Primalex]

Men want the combination of Jeanne d’Arc, Martha Stewart and Jenna Jameson.

I don't care much if she has sex experience or not, in the end the combination has to match. But if I have to teach another time proper waste seperation...

 

[DeservingBitch]

My own 'must try' list is longer than my 'done that' list.

I very much enjoy playing with an experienced bottom because I get to learn from her/him. It's also reassuring in a way to try something for the first time with someone who's done it before.

But there are perks to playing with an inexperience bottom as well. Less performance anxieties for me. And it's fun to share a first time with someone. In my experience, it often makes for a lot of laughter.

Bottom line is, I'll enjoy playing with both an inexperienced and experienced bottom. What matters to me is the vibe between us, and that our interests match, at least the one I don't want to do without.

 

[Marquis]

I don't mind a little experience, but honestly a girl with too much experience is intimidating to me at this point in my life. I want to be able to feel like we can have new experiences together and I don't want to feel compelled to defer to her experience: I want to feel free to make my own mistakes and learn from them.

That being said, a total newbie is not ideal either. I want someone who at the very least holds the hardcore belief that she wants and needs to be a sub/slave. I'd prefer if we could define that together, but that much at least needs to be there before I got there. Otherwise it's like being a public high school teacher all over again, you gotta spend most of your energy convincing them that they should be learning and then actually teach with whatever energy you have left.

 

[bandelero]

Not sure if you want a reply from a PYL who is also inexperienced, but here is mine anyway:

At this stage in my voyage through both the brightly lit streets and the dark dank corners of BDSM, I want a pyl who has a firm knowledge of what they want....more years ago than I like to remember I fumbled, gasped and giggled with girls who were as virginal and untutored as I.

Some of that was fun and I would not trade one particular experience for a years worth of orgasms ....BUT add in the complications of BDSM and that whole process of just finding out what's what is going to take up too much time that could be better spent learning more about what DOES work.

So the bottom line for me is going to be that I would never turn away untried ANY pyl who indicated that they might mesh with me, but if I am going to actively seek a pyl out then I am going to look for someone who at the very least can confidently state both hard and soft limits.
The actual number of HAVE DONE as opposed to MIGHT TRY is of little significance to me just so long as there were some of both.
Above all I want that pyl to have a mind that is at least as strong as mine
One thing I am absolutely certain of is that pyl is NOT a label for "pathetic yowling lackwit"
The strength of mind needed for a pyl simply to be who they are can be just as mighty as my own, merely focused from another plane.

I am also completely certain that somewhere out there is the pyl who will fit my PYL like a delicate hand in an iron glove....and if it takes several fittings to get that perfect fit then the time would be very well spent indeed.

 

[SinfulSailor]

what are the opinions?

The journey is the important thing to me. Not the destination.

 

[Chicklet]

I'm more attracted to someone with experience but who doesn't constantly refer to their experience.

I don't want to be the teacher. I'm *somewhat* experienced myself but still have a huge list of things I'd like to try. I am stuck in that place of wanting to find someone with knowledge and experience but who still has the opportunity to try some 'firsts' with me -but hopefully already knows the safety aspects and has thought about the new things before.

But having someone who's tried things with others and loves to tell me about their experiences with other women is a big turn-off...

 

[ecstaticsub]

This is a variation of a question ecstaticsub posed to another poster in a thread on the Cafe board. Thanks for the inspiration. Inquiring minds want to know.

You're welcome. Thank you for making a new thread to discuss it.

I loved the questionaire I had to fill out because not only did it ask if I had done a certain activity but it also asked on a scale from 1-5 my willingness to do it (either again or for the first time)

I will be very interested to read the responses here.

 

[BiBunny]

You don't have to have been there and done that with everything, but you'd better have at least some idea of what you like and don't like. You can usually get a bit of an idea even without a partner, if you're willing to experiment. I want a sub who'll take initiative, not just sit back and wait for someone else to do it all.

 

[DeservingBitch]

I want a sub who'll take initiative, not just sit back and wait for someone else to do it all.

Yes yes.

Think you may enjoy some CBT? How about you do some nasty things to your weewee while jerking off? Or you think you may be into nipple torture? Hey, those clothespins are really not expensive, and don't need detailed instructions on how to clip them on your own nipples. Or how about you slap that cunt of yours while wanking, just to see how it feels? Or pour some wax on yourself?

Also, I'm really not into bottoms who need to be 'forced' into doing something. Huge turn off in most cases.

 

[Netzach]

I honestly don't care. I love 'em experienced. I don't mind 'em more experienced than I am, because sometimes it's nice to have the chance to learn new things on a new body that knows itself well, and then challenge yourself with variation and style rather than the activity itself. I don't mind inexperience either, as long as the brain is brought to the table too, which is sometimes left at home.

I have no issue being told about past experiences - H was pre-owned and his last Mistress was totally different from me, the stories are a gas and I admire the woman's style. I guess if his last owner was a late 20's early 30's type who rosco rathbone would call "carrie brownsteinlike" I might get a little sick of being compared, but as an apple I am unthreatened by oranges.

 

[Marquis]

I have no issue being told about past experiences - H was pre-owned and his last Mistress was totally different from me, the stories are a gas and I admire the woman's style. I guess if his last owner was a late 20's early 30's type who rosco rathbone would call "carrie brownsteinlike" I might get a little sick of being compared, but as an apple I am unthreatened by oranges.

Yes, I think this is a big part of it.

No one wants to feel like they're being replaced or replacing another.

I wouldn't necessarily describe my sub as "inexperienced" but I have no insecurity about being able to provide her with new experiences.

 

[madetotakeit]

The answers so far seem to be as I thought they would...somewhere in the middle. I have found the replies to be very insightful. I look forward to reading more.

 

[twysted73]

Ah, clit slapping.

As far as I've been concerned, (and I am fully aware this is so indicative of my nature being what it is) I like someone who fills in where I am lacking and vice versa.
For example, I am a budding sadist. I love the thought of being mean and truly evil when the opportunity presents itself.
Why? Because it's an opportunity to express a side of myself that gives me pleasure despite the discomfort of the other who's with me.
That being said, if my partner knows more about drawing out my sadistic nature then I am so enthralled and I want to learn, learn, learn.

If I know more then she does, and she wants to learn what I know, I'm happy to inflict it on her.

I look for balance. If I know a lot and she knows a little, then good. And vice versa. But if she knows as much about things that I'm strong in then where's the suprise? Where's the squirming? Where's the excitement of that unexpected scream when I hit the right spot?

*shivers*

Maybe I need a shower. Grrrrrr..... A cold one.

 

[unfoundiamond]

Nice one, Made

So....

I'd say I preffer inexpirience in a pyl, as I am not needing them to be rehearsed, or completely figured out...

I like the idea my pyl is open for us to explore and try things together, it doesn't have to be for the first time... its nice when it can be, but I don't see a expirience with a old playmate as threatning... if there's a point to the story I don't mind hearing about the last one...

Sometimes there's a lesson to be learned... or arguement to be averted...

I also like a pyl with only a few hard limits... I think people confuse the fact they've never tried something, and may be creeped out or misinformed about it, with it being a "limit"

So a, I don't know, is allright with me...

(*note- in a PYL I preffer expirience)

 

[WriterDom]

I like bdsm virgins. But I'm not going to blow myself up for 69 of them. Looking never worked for me. So I just take what the universe sends me. At one point experienced was a little bit intimidating. Now it just means they probably aren't going to stand me up.

 

[madetotakeit]

(*note- in a PYL I preffer expirience)

Absolutely, same here. The confidence of someone who knows what they are doing is intoxicating. Of course I also like looking up and seeing that the inner demon has taken over.

*end of self-hijack*

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I like experience and inexperience, both attributes bring something I can use and get off on, to the table.

With an experienced bottom I can usually play harder, faster, take things to a much more intense level of play. I'm not so concerned about "breaking" a limit or stepping on an emotional landmine.

With an inexperienced bottom I get to experience the delight of discovery all over again when I open new doors and broaden horizons for them. I see the wonder and awe in their faces and it reminds me of my own journey of discovery.

I take what I have to work with and turn it into something _I_ will be able to use and enjoy. It's my world, welcome to it!

 

[Netzach]

Another thing I like about the well-worn is that they're usually done with stupid fantasy slavery stuff. They've jerked off to it enough, it's boring. They've been catered to and it's boring, they really want to cater to the Dominant.

For me it's the dynamic. It's the same person in an endlessly shifting set of circumstances that I get to dream up. The same thing another day is not necessarily dull.

 

[Homburg]

Either.

I am far more concerned with the noises she makes, the way she needs to be close to me when I hurt her, the look in her eye as she bites her lip and wonders if she really can take it. These sort of features don't really change with experience level. They're either beautifully present, or not, and that is what I am concerned with.

Yelp pretty for me, baby; lean close and let me know that I'm your anchor, and never lose that little edge of fear. That's what matters to me.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Experienced or inexperienced?

I think it doesn't really matter as long as the pyl truly enjoy anything the PYL takes her throo. But hey I am not a Dom, so this is just my own lil opinion.

I am as inexperienced as possible cuz I havent meet a Dom irl yet, but I can freely say once I will he will surely have a lot of fun with me LOL.

 

[madetotakeit]

Either.

I am far more concerned with the noises she makes, the way she needs to be close to me when I hurt her, the look in her eye as she bites her lip and wonders if she really can take it. These sort of features don't really change with experience level. They're either beautifully present, or not, and that is what I am concerned with.

Yelp pretty for me, baby; lean close and let me know that I'm your anchor, and never lose that little edge of fear. That's what matters to me.

This is why I look forward to your posts...you have a way of going to the primal core. I have found myself biting my lip just reading one of your posts several times.

 

[Homburg]

This is why I look forward to your posts...you have a way of going to the primal core. I have found myself biting my lip just reading one of your posts several times.

Why, thank you. I'm flattered



ETA: This thread has been full of great posts. I've enjoyed this one.

 

[WriterDom]

It's like they say, everyone drives a used car. Once it's off the lot it's used. Once you get past your first meeting, she's experienced. Regardless if she has done it for 10 years or 10 days it's still a journey with someone new. The chemistry between the two is the only important factor. Yeah, you have to go slower with someone new but that's part of the fun.

 

[SouthernDom]

In place of writing a mini-novel, I'll cut to the chase.

I demand two things for a playpartner: Respect and Compliance to my wishes.

Provided my needs are met with a satisfactory dose of each key element outlined above, I can walk away pleased from an encounter with a sub who's experience level lies on either end of the experienced vs. inexperienced spectrum.