Am I too bratty to be submissive?

[OrgasmicleBunny]

I was exhausted and grouchy (no excuse, I know) and I snapped at my boyfriend, said something a bit disrespectful. Nevermind our Dom/sub relationship, it was just rude.

He then told me so and proceeded to be cold and say that I needed "training" and that he was going to punish me.

Well, since I was exhausted I fell asleep shortly after getting home and he did his own thing for about 4 hours, while I was sleeping, I woke up several times and tried to talk to him, but he was still angry and cold, so I backed off. Then, when I woke up, he was still kind of ignoring me and not acknowledging my presence, and I asked if he was going to talk to me now. He said, "yes" and I tried to tell him, how I didn't think it was fair he was so cold and angry to me, but never really "punished" me only by being cold, and then when he decided he was over it, I should just fall into his arms like nothing was wrong.

I know I can be bratty and defiant, at times, I'm working on it, and there is no excuse to be rude and disrespectful, but I did apologize.

Any insight, advice?

 

[BlowjobQueen]

I don't think it's being bratty as much as it's engaging your brain before you say something.

It's a common curtesy between human beings to think before you speak.

 

[alyse]

You don't have to be submissive in everyday life just because you love being dominated sexually. It's one thing for him to be upset that you were rude to him, and quite another for him to sulk for days like a child. You clearly don't appreciate his domineering attitude in EVERY aspect of your life, so why don't you draw a line for him? I had an ex who was the sweetest boyfriend imaginable most of the time, but in the bedroom he did filthy dirty things to me. It was a wonderful balance.

Also, you don't have to ask if you're ever too "this" or "that" to be submissive. Some people might think they got the corner on the market, but fuck 'em. Do what feels good, and remember, it's your body when you want it to be and his when you say it is. Just make sure you draw lines so as not to confuse the guy.

 

[Bandit58]

I was exhausted and grouchy (no excuse, I know) and I snapped at my boyfriend, said something a bit disrespectful. Nevermind our Dom/sub relationship, it was just rude.

He then told me so and proceeded to be cold and say that I needed "training" and that he was going to punish me.

Well, since I was exhausted I fell asleep shortly after getting home and he did his own thing for about 4 hours, while I was sleeping, I woke up several times and tried to talk to him, but he was still angry and cold, so I backed off. Then, when I woke up, he was still kind of ignoring me and not acknowledging my presence, and I asked if he was going to talk to me now. He said, "yes" and I tried to tell him, how I didn't think it was fair he was so cold and angry to me, but never really "punished" me only by being cold, and then when he decided he was over it, I should just fall into his arms like nothing was wrong.

I know I can be bratty and defiant, at times, I'm working on it, and there is no excuse to be rude and disrespectful, but I did apologize.

Any insight, advice?

I hate this. It reminds me of my ex's behaviour when I did something he didn't like. He would give me the silent treatment sometimes for days on end. It's emotional blackmail

Sometimes I snap at Sir. It's not intentional and it's usually when, like you, I am tired and stressed. Sir is on home haemodialysis and it can be very stressful at times. This is life support and involves needles and blood and it's important that everything is set up correctly. Sometimes things go wrong and that's when I tend to snap, usually because I'm trying to work out what is wrong and fix it quickly. He knows why I snap, I always feel bad about it and always apologise. We're all human and shit happens.

The kind of punishment you describe would have a negative effect on me I'm afraid. I would tend to withdraw and adopt a passive aggressive attitude. I still do it now, much to my dismay. Old habits of coping with that emotional abuse Sir encourages me to tell Him what is up with me - much of the time I cannot describe what it is right away, but gentle coaxing works much better than cutting off communication, which helps no one in the end.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

You say that you are in a D/s relationship but you don't say whether it's a full time or part time thing. If you have agreed it as a full time thing then IMO he's within his rights to get pissed when you snap at him and deal with it however he sees fit. He may not have chosen the most productive response but if you have given him that right in your daily life then you can negotiate but you can't really complain.

OTOH, if it's not meant to be a full time D/s relationship and he's treating you like a sub at times when you haven't agreed to submit, then your roles need to be clarified.

If I get bratty with Master or disappoint him and he gives me the silent treatment, I acknowledge that I have given him the freedom to treat me as he chooses. Those are the agreed parameters of our relationship.

Perhaps you could clarify how far into your daily life the D/s extends.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I don't really think you are "too bratty to be submissive", you are just YOU with your wants, needs, emotions and feelings. I love this saying "You shouldn't regret anything that you say, because it's what you were feeling at the moment." It doesnt sound as much submissive saying, but its very true tho.

Thing is just to learn to say what must to be said in a respectful way.

 

[h_i_s]

Am I too bratty to be submissive?

The answer depends on the details of your relationship with him.
No one else can answer this question except for you, and him.

For some, your behavior as you describe it, could be unacceptable.
For others, your behavior could be 'foreplay'.
For some, your behavior could be a symptom of disfunction in an otherwise 'normal/vanilla' relationship.

No one here can spell it out clearly for you without knowing what type of agreements you reached in forming your D/s relationship. Some wear a tight collar, some loose... some not at all. D/s is not a one size fits all thing. Every relationship is different in one way or another (... reminds me of the ala carte line at a cafeteria, where we take what we like, leave the rest.. and grab seconds on the stuff we like best ... customized consumption.)

We're all human. None of us are perfect. We all get grouchy, grumpy and annoyed. And, even in a vanilla relationship, flying off the handle .. acting out rudely, reacting with disrespect ....... transforms what could otherwise be a 'good reason' for being upset, into a poor excuse. We can usually expect that someone will end up getting hurt.

Best I can offer: Regardless of the level of your D/s and details involved, sounds like you'd benefit by requesting a 'cooling off period'. Instead of acting 'bratty' and disrespectful..... politely and calmly request 10 minutes to 'get in touch with your feelings, and too bring the urge to 'mouth off' down a notch' --ETA: So you can think through your feelings FIRST, and then say what's on your mind.. with a higher level of self-control.

Good luck, regardless.

 

[Anne_Prospere]

I was exhausted and grouchy (no excuse, I know) and I snapped at my boyfriend, said something a bit disrespectful. Nevermind our Dom/sub relationship, it was just rude.

He then told me so and proceeded to be cold and say that I needed "training" and that he was going to punish me.

Well, since I was exhausted I fell asleep shortly after getting home and he did his own thing for about 4 hours, while I was sleeping, I woke up several times and tried to talk to him, but he was still angry and cold, so I backed off. Then, when I woke up, he was still kind of ignoring me and not acknowledging my presence, and I asked if he was going to talk to me now. He said, "yes" and I tried to tell him, how I didn't think it was fair he was so cold and angry to me, but never really "punished" me only by being cold, and then when he decided he was over it, I should just fall into his arms like nothing was wrong.

I know I can be bratty and defiant, at times, I'm working on it, and there is no excuse to be rude and disrespectful, but I did apologize.

Any insight, advice?

I relate to this, and sadly have little advice, this is a tough balance. That said, I feel your pain, its a confusing experience.

 

[Adakgirl]

You didn't think it was "fair" that he gave you the cold shoulder then when he was over it, expected you to fall into his arms like nothing happened? You don't think he punished you? He did punish you by ignoring you. In my book, if he is your Dominant, it is his decision to deem what kind of punishment you deserve and "fair" is not in the equation.
You are trying to top from the bottom by expressing to him what YOU think is fair in your relationship. A D/s relationship is not about being fair. You disrespected him by snapping at him, then complaining when he ignored you, and questioning his punishment and then by not letting it go when he was done with it.
So do you see what the problem was there?

 

[Netzach]

I personally don't give a crap as a D about fair or not as much as productive.

If it's within my rights but totally counterproductive and I want the relationship to be good and go on, then it's time to think outside the box. If I've only got one response to anything I don't like, that limits the legs on the relationship.

 

[Homburg]

There's not really enough info to legitimately make comment on the specific question, but I will comment on the silent treatment. If there's one thing that I see pyl's bitch about consistently, it the silent treatment. Y'all hate it, we get that.

Some thoughts on it, in no particular order:

1) The fact that it is hated so much is a big reason why it is punishment.

(Though the resentment that prolonged, or too common, silence causes is counterproductive, and reduces the efficacy.)

2) Did you negotiate properly and list "silent treatment" as a soft/hard limit? If the answer is no, well, learn to deal with it, or renegotiate.

3) Sometimes it's a damned good thing. I know that if I go silent, it's because I know the only other option is to say/do things that I'm going to regret. So the best course of action is to quietly fuck off and save yourself a load of potential grief, if your PYL is anything like me.

This all assumes that your PYL is not naturally a sulky and uncommunicative sot. If said PYL is, well, maybe it is time to reevalute your options, as compatibility may be an issue.

Personally, the silent treatment may suck in the eyes of pyl's everywhere, but it has probably saved more than one relationship by allowing needed time to get over shit enough to talk like adults.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Good to see that you are still hanging in there with your guy, Orgasmicle Bunny.

 

[graceanne]

I know some dominants use the silent treatment as a punishment. Personally, that'd just piss me off - but it sounds to me like that was his punishment. The question you need to answer is this: Is that form of punishment acceptable to you? And if not, what are you willing to do about it?

This is another part of D/s that boils down to communication. If you don't feel that this form of punishment is acceptable, you need to communicate that to him as one of your hard limits. If he's not ok with that being a hard limit then you both need to discuss it, and decide whether you're compatible for a D/s relationship.

 

[madetotakeit]

The silent treatment is punishment if it was made known that was its purpose. If it was...frustrating, annoying, but that is what was chosen. Like Homburg said, time for a renegotiation. If it wasn't, then there is a communication break down. Depending on how vicious what was said is, it is either an understandable although maybe too extended reaction or it was the equivalent of a three year old's temper tantrum.

Yes, the silent treatment would send me over the top in ire. Trust is developed through communication. If someone is unable to express what he is feeling then I am either going to assume A)he lacks the capability to discuss this in a rational manner or B)he doesn't really value me that much and it's not worth the effort to discuss it. I will accept someone saying he needs time to cool off and some alone time. That's only human, everybody needs it. Silent treatment? That's a hard limit for me.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

You didn't think it was "fair" that he gave you the cold shoulder then when he was over it, expected you to fall into his arms like nothing happened? You don't think he punished you? He did punish you by ignoring you. In my book, if he is your Dominant, it is his decision to deem what kind of punishment you deserve and "fair" is not in the equation.
You are trying to top from the bottom by expressing to him what YOU think is fair in your relationship. A D/s relationship is not about being fair. You disrespected him by snapping at him, then complaining when he ignored you, and questioning his punishment and then by not letting it go when he was done with it.
So do you see what the problem was there?

i don't agree at all. there is nothing wrong with asking questions once he is willing to speak to her again. and nothing wrong with saying "hey i didn't really like that much, could we please maybe talk about it and see if we can compromise next time?" because i know for me, the silent treatment would completely piss me off and i would lose alot of trust in him if he got upset with me when i voiced my dislike for the way i was treated. but that's just me.

as far as being "too bratty to be submissive" we all say things or do things we don't mean to do or say. i don't think that's a test of your submissiveness at all...it's being human, it's how it's dealt with that matters.

 

[Marquis]

OrgasmicleBunny, it sounds to me like this man just doesn't pay enough attention to you. I don't understand how he can expect you to be submissive when he isn't willing to take the time to punish you properly.

 

[SweetErika]

I don't know if you're too bratty or not, but is it possible that D/s outside of the bedroom is a complication, given your recent personal and relationship instability? I mean, could it be making communication and sorting out your problems more blurry or difficult for you right now?

You've had problems for a long time, just broken up due to differences and recently reconciled. It seems like you guys have a lot on your plates without added concerns about whether or not you're fitting into D/s roles properly and the stress trying to work D/s issues out can bring.

I'm not trying to judge and I only know what I've gathered from your previous posts, but I can't help but wonder if Marquis is on the right track and this is but one example of longstanding, unresolved issues or fundamental differences being present. There's a lot to be said for thinking positive and looking toward the future, but it's also good to examine what has been, and currently is, there with a critical eye. You two seem to have A LOT of major problems given it's still a newer relationship (<2 years, IIRC). To me, that's a sign of fundamental incompatibility, at least at this stage in your lives.

 

[Marquis]

I was being sarcastic.

I don't know anything else about the OPs situation, but here is how I read this particular incident:

Orgasmicle Bunny was rude and disrespectful (by any standard). Then she resented her dom for avoiding her. This is now the issue, not whatever she said. She expressed how unfair this was and he decided to drop the whole thing, but that wasn't good enough. She wanted punishment.

I don't see how this sort of thinking is appropriate in any relationship, D/s or otherwise.

OrgasmicleBunny seems to have absolutely no respect for her mate. You fucked up. Apologies don't mean shit, words are cheap. Say sorry by taking your ass to bed and waiting for your man to finish what the fuck he's doing. When he comes in, in a better mood, be grateful that he's forgotten about your stupidity and suck him off like a good girl.

but but but but but but!!!!!

NO BUTS!!!!!

 

[Netzach]

I was being sarcastic.

I don't know anything else about the OPs situation, but here is how I read this particular incident:

Orgasmicle Bunny was rude and disrespectful (by any standard). Then she resented her dom for avoiding her. This is now the issue, not whatever she said. She expressed how unfair this was and he decided to drop the whole thing, but that wasn't good enough. She wanted punishment.

I don't see how this sort of thinking is appropriate in any relationship, D/s or otherwise.

OrgasmicleBunny seems to have absolutely no respect for her mate. You fucked up. Apologies don't mean shit, words are cheap. Say sorry by taking your ass to bed and waiting for your man to finish what the fuck he's doing. When he comes in, in a better mood, be grateful that he's forgotten about your stupidity and suck him off like a good girl.

but but but but but but!!!!!

NO BUTS!!!!!

Yes and no.

If he just stomps off and sulks and wants to call that "her punishment" that's just being a child. If he can look her in the eye and say something to the effect of "we'll talk later when you are ready to talk to me like another human let alone your partner" then that's communicating his intent and his boundaries.

I definitely think it's within anyone's rights to remove themselves from a situation that's not respectful, but how you do it says a lot about who's in control.

 

[WriterDom]

If I'm going to go off and pout for a day who is that punishing? Me or her? Of course one sub's punishment is another's reward so you have to know the person. I'd rather give you 30 minutes with your nose in the corner and be done with it. With the ex it was the hairbrush that she hated more than anything.

 

[Marquis]

Yes and no.

If he just stomps off and sulks and wants to call that "her punishment" that's just being a child. If he can look her in the eye and say something to the effect of "we'll talk later when you are ready to talk to me like another human let alone your partner" then that's communicating his intent and his boundaries.

I definitely think it's within anyone's rights to remove themselves from a situation that's not respectful, but how you do it says a lot about who's in control.

I didn't read stomping and pouting in this situation, but I agree that acting like a child is rarely the answer.

 

[myinnerslut]

sounds to me that you arent looking for punishment, but closure.

if this is the case, hen talk to him, explain that, and see what he says.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

When he comes in, in a better mood, be grateful that he's forgotten about your stupidity and suck him off like a good girl.

but but but but but but!!!!!

NO BUTS!!!!!

This made me smile, but actualy I would do that to prove him I am really sorry for what have I done. As Marquis said "words are cheap". Sshhh and do what you are told to do is the best thing you can do I think.

When I am being mouthy to my Sir he puts me in line real fast cuz being dissrespectful is something he dont tolerate at all. The silent one is always me then not him tho.

He wouldnt ignore me as punishment. For me I dont see this even as punishment really. Ignore someone suck and I hate that no matter what the reason is. When I do something wrong I prefer him telling me "go to bed, we will talk this out tomorrow" or "I need to think about this, I will tell you your punishment tomorrow" than the being all quiet shit.

When I say or do something dissrespectful I usualy know very well what I did, but I still need to know how to sort it and that needs him to talk not to be all quiet. If he get all quiet I would feel like he refuse to give me a chance to fix what I have done or said wrong and I would be very sad cuz I feel really bad when I know I have displease my Sir.

When I do something wrong I need his forgivness more than anything else and I am not peacefull untill I am forgiven and know we are past that thing. Hes usualy past it much faster than me I must say cuz however I hate to displease him somehow I still do now and then.

There was times when I thought I would like to be punished cuz I thought I would get just some extra spanking or something like that and since I am into pain alot I would just enjoy it I think. My Sir assured me he would see to it that I wouldnt like it at all. Enough said to silence my hot mouth. I knew he was serious and if he could personaly give me that spanking I would end crying and begging him to stop.

I am in online relationship so he cant do that to me, but I must say he have his own ways that works on me when I am being bitch. I dont like punishments at all cuz my Sir does them well. Its as disspleasing as possible, just as it should be I guess.

When hes telling me what he would do to me as a punishment if I was there with him I am usualy losing speech and sit all quiet here. He would give me really hard time where my begging for release or asking him to stop would be ignored untill he would be done with me and think I had enough and get the needed lesson.

I know I would be a good girl quite fast LOL.

 

[Netzach]

I didn't read stomping and pouting in this situation, but I agree that acting like a child is rarely the answer.

I'm bound to agree here, I don't see that either. But perhaps a little under-explicit. Sometimes it's necessary to explain what you are doing and why you are doing it even when you feel it is and ought to be totally obvious. But he's not going to know that from us knowing it.

 

[SouthernDom]

Yes and no.

If he just stomps off and sulks and wants to call that "her punishment" that's just being a child. If he can look her in the eye and say something to the effect of "we'll talk later when you are ready to talk to me like another human let alone your partner" then that's communicating his intent and his boundaries.

I definitely think it's within anyone's rights to remove themselves from a situation that's not respectful, but how you do it says a lot about who's in control.

Exactly...............and especially the line in red!

For those of us with core personalities that are rooted in control.............we must be mindful that first and foremost, we must be in control of ourselves.

When I'm faced with a situation, such as the one outlined in the opening post, I most likely would have called her hand at that moment,gotten to the bottom of why she behaved in that manner and given her a chance to apologize for her behavior before things got worse.

I'm much too much of an ''in your face'' type to not address an issue when the supposed transgression is committed............but all the while I will keep my cool and remain in control of the situation.

The exception too my choice of dealing with things when they go down is in rare cases when my buttons are purposely getting pushed or my SO is in an emotional meltdown. In the event I truly fear losing my temper or she cannot control her emotions, I will table things until we can converse as reasonable adults.

In any case................... ignoring someone by giving them the silent treatment has never been my style of dealing with things of this nature.