Who Am I?

[rakess]

Recently, I opened up an account on collarme. com and I've gotten some really insightful responses. One response in particular got me thinking:

As of yet, I haven't had any r/l experiences, I've only got my fantasies and research. Still, I feel as it there is a pressure to label myself as a submissive even when I'm not sure yet. This makes me feel uncomfortable. At the same time, when men hear that I'm a submissive female, I get all sorts of creepy scary e-mails. It makes it harder to sort through and find the good ones.

The question I posit is this: Would it be dishonest to label myself a switch? I feel as if the 'switch' label is more inclusive and I would be less likely to get taken advantage of...And do you all think I would get different responses?

Just curious to know what other people think.

 

[JMohegan]

Recently, I opened up an account on collarme. com and I've gotten some really insightful responses. One response in particular got me thinking:

As of yet, I haven't had any r/l experiences, I've only got my fantasies and research. Still, I feel as it there is a pressure to label myself as a submissive even when I'm not sure yet. This makes me feel uncomfortable. At the same time, when men hear that I'm a submissive female, I get all sorts of creepy scary e-mails. It makes it harder to sort through and find the good ones.

The question I posit is this: Would it be dishonest to label myself a switch? I feel as if the 'switch' label is more inclusive and I would be less likely to get taken advantage of...And do you all think I would get different responses?

Just curious to know what other people think.

I'm not interested in the online search thing, but if a woman introduced herself to me in RL as a switch, I would immediately assume that we're sexually incompatible.

My response to her would be "different" in the sense that I might be interested in developing a casual friendship (depending on her personality), but I would not consider her to be a reasonable sexual prospect, and therefore would never ask her out on an actual date.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

A less confusing label for others to interpret might be sub-curious. It denotes a lack either of certainty or experience and will hopefully prompt respondents to be a bit more sensitive of that.

If you have no dominant leanings and are looking for a relationship with a guy who is dominant rather than switchy or even submissive, I agree with JMohegan that this could put off men who are looking for a woman who is purely submissive.

 

[BiBunny]

Speaking from experience, hon...labeling yourself as a switch doesn't cut down on the number of asshats. It usually increases them, actually. Not only will you have idiot Dom/mes saying, "Kneel at my feet, bitch," but you'll also have idiots subs telling you how they want lick Mistress's boots or whatever. Same idiots, different flavor.

I reactivated my own CollarMe profile recently. Because I'm not looking for a dominant right now, just subs, I listed myself as a Domme. No, it's not entirely the truth (though the first line of my profile does say, "First things first: I'm really a switch, but I'm not bottoming anymore right now"), but I figured I could at least get messages mostly from the orientations I wanted that way. Subs--the males ones, in particular--are enough of a pain in the ass, but maybe I can find a needle or two in the haystack without having to deal with the added annoyance of telling the Dom/mes to go shove it where the sun don't shine.

 

[Netzach]

I think all it takes for asshole email on CM is the implication that you may in fact be or even just look female.

Fortunately, email can be deleted. Super easy. Just be you and accept that the people you want to meet will be rare and wonderful when you do meet them.

 

[rakess]

A less confusing label for others to interpret might be sub-curious. It denotes a lack either of certainty or experience and will hopefully prompt respondents to be a bit more sensitive of that.

If you have no dominant leanings and are looking for a relationship with a guy who is dominant rather than switchy or even submissive, I agree with JMohegan that this could put off men who are looking for a woman who is purely submissive.

I like that 'sub-curious' I'm going to start using that...I think that it is more accurate for me at this point.

 

[madetotakeit]

I think all it takes for asshole email on CM is the implication that you may in fact be or even just look female.

Fortunately, email can be deleted. Super easy. Just be you and accept that the people you want to meet will be rare and wonderful when you do meet them.

That about sums it up. Assume you will get the asshat emails-because you will. Mixed in with those you will get some who are legitimate. The hard part is out of those finding the one that is right for you and vice versa. Don't get discouraged when it doesn't happen. Value yourself. Life is too short to get worked up over the ones that don't work for you.

It's not an easy search and it is not a short search. If you are lucky you will connect with someone to count as a new friend. If you are exceptionally lucky you will find someone you make an impact on as much as he makes an impact on you and then the fun starts. Be yourself and as with anything have honest, open communication.

The frogs out number the princes out there. (Not that I am looking for a prince, but I have never been fond of gigging either.)

 

[DarkhairedLady]

many moons ago i tried the collarme.com approach as well..and like the others here that have pointed out, getting wierd and creepy email from stupid people is going to be the norm.

i've had friends that have been successful with it and found thier needles in the haystack so to speak. myself i gave up, but not for the tons of ridiculous emails, but for simply realizing i wasn't ready for dating..bdsm style or otherwise.

i wish you luck on your journey.

 

[intothewoods]

I like that 'sub-curious' I'm going to start using that...I think that it is more accurate for me at this point.

I would vote against sub-curious, because to many PYLs that just screams fresh meat. Sorry.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Recently, I opened up an account on collarme. com and I've gotten some really insightful responses. One response in particular got me thinking:

As of yet, I haven't had any r/l experiences, I've only got my fantasies and research. Still, I feel as it there is a pressure to label myself as a submissive even when I'm not sure yet. This makes me feel uncomfortable. At the same time, when men hear that I'm a submissive female, I get all sorts of creepy scary e-mails. It makes it harder to sort through and find the good ones.

The question I posit is this: Would it be dishonest to label myself a switch? I feel as if the 'switch' label is more inclusive and I would be less likely to get taken advantage of...And do you all think I would get different responses?

Just curious to know what other people think.

if YOU feel as though you are submissive then i would say 'labeling' yourself as anything else would be dishonest and probably not get you the type of responses you're looking for. unfortunately you are going to get creepy emails from respondents no matter what label you put, it's your job to surf through those responses and find the ones that you think you're actually interested in. i don't think it has anything to do with being submissive i think even if you were completely 'nilla and had a profile on some dating site, you'd still get the creepy asshat respondents.

just be who you are so that you get the right people responding. take the ones you like or think you'll have something in common with and run with them, forget the rest......just my two cents.....

 

[madetotakeit]

sub-curious will bring out the wolves...made that mistake. I made it very clear when I talked to anyone that while I may be new to exploring my submissive side I was not new to this world...

 

[Chicklet]

use whatever title YOU feel comfortable with, and fuck anyone who doesn't get it.

don't actually fuck them.

 

[intothewoods]

use whatever title YOU feel comfortable with, and fuck anyone who doesn't get it.

don't actually fuck them.

Ha! Perfect.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

sub-curious will bring out the wolves...made that mistake. I made it very clear when I talked to anyone that while I may be new to exploring my submissive side I was not new to this world...

Ordinarily I'd agree after reading your post and ITW's post as well. IN this case though, I think rakess needs to be very careful how much she gives away. She's unusual in that she's still a virgin but wants to seek a dominant. It's going to be very hard for her to be honest to any degree without attracting every psycho in the northern hemisphere.

She can just say she's sub and allow people to think she's experienced with both sex and BDSM till she trusts someone I guess.

 

[somberReality]

Ordinarily I'd agree after reading your post and ITW's post as well. IN this case though, I think rakess needs to be very careful how much she gives away. She's unusual in that she's still a virgin but wants to seek a dominant. It's going to be very hard for her to be honest to any degree without attracting every psycho in the northern hemisphere.

She can just say she's sub and allow people to think she's experienced with both sex and BDSM till she trusts someone I guess.

I agree with this. Well put.