how does a vanilla girl turn kinky?

[Bunnytrax]

I guess you could describle me as pure vanilla although at times I do like to add some sprinkles for spice. My question to you is how do I find my inner kink? Do I even have one?
I have been married to an awesome man for 12 years who has opened up to me about how he would like to add BDSM into our love life. I didnt' freak out as he thought I would but in all honesty I am not sure how to accomidate him either.
When I tried spanking him like he asked I ended up freaking out about half way through when it looked like I drew blood. I totally ruined the moment for him as I was about in tears. I know that I wasnt' hurting him and that I was doing exactly what he wanted. Yet, I still have a hard time with it.

I am wanting to please him so what should I do so that I can get into this role?

 

[Frosty_Dom]

Urm,...perhaps

I`m very inexperienced and i`m sure you`re gonna get loads of good advice but i`d start off slowly with things that you`re both comfortable doing than build up. Perhaps you should tried raking him with your nails or spanking him with your hand to start off with. A flogger can do alot of damage!!
Hope this helps!!

Frosty

 

[Bunnytrax]

I should add that I didnt' actually draw blood and we used a wooden hairbrush and not an actual flogger.

 

[nh23]

Here is a link to a really good article that my hubby took a lot from. I believe there is also a link on this page for women.

http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdniceguy.html

 

[laylayum]

I was vanilla like you...

I need time to ponder this question so that I can give you the best advice I can think of. I feel for you, though. Trust me... I've been so misunderstood as being innocent. I'm respectable and lovable, sweet, etc. as I want to be. But, there's another side few people see. It took years for me to even realize there was this side to me, not to mention let anyone know it was there. So, I'm going to think and get back to you on my take on this. It's a good question, and I'm sure there are many other women out there wondering the same.

 

[FurryFury]

I'm not sure a vanilla girl can turn kinky. Either you are kinky deep down or you are not IMO.

I'm also not sure just how a wooden hair brush and a flogger are alike.

In any case, you might want to read The Good Girl's Guide To Domination:

http://www.akashaweb.com/goodgirl.html

If you are willing to play along in order to please your lover. Just don't be surprised if you find you can't or don't want to do it for it long.

Good luck.

 

[Homburg]

If you are willing to play along in order to please your lover. Just don't be surprised if you find you can't or don't want to do it for it long.

Lots of people do just that. They're called service tops. And lots of people find kink that they never knew existed. I fit into both those categories, as I started out topping my wife because she asked, and discovered that, damn, I like it.

 

[FurryFury]

Lots of people do just that. They're called service tops. And lots of people find kink that they never knew existed. I fit into both those categories, as I started out topping my wife because she asked, and discovered that, damn, I like it.

And that's great but I'm willing to bet many people find out that they don't like it.

 

[Bunnytrax]

I'm not sure a vanilla girl can turn kinky. Either you are kinky deep down or you are not IMO.

I think you are probably right and he is going to be dissappointed

 

[Bunnytrax]

I'm also not sure just how a wooden hair brush and a flogger are alike.

your are right they are not alike. What he would like me to use and what I am confortable with are very different. We settled on the brush because I was comfortable with it and it gave him the sting he wanted. The ones he looks at on line kinda scare me. I am like you would really find that pleasurable????

 

[Homburg]

And that's great but I'm willing to bet many people find out that they don't like it.

That's real encouraging to someone trying it out =P

 

[FurryFury]

I think you are probably right and he is going to be dissappointed

You never know you might find an area of kink you are into. Only you can take that journey and find out.

 

[FurryFury]

That's real encouraging to someone trying it out =P

I'm not trying to be discouraging. I am trying to be realistic though.

 

[FurryFury]

your are right they are not alike. What he would like me to use and what I am confortable with are very different. We settled on the brush because I was comfortable with it and it gave him the sting he wanted. The ones he looks at on line kinda scare me. I am like you would really find that pleasurable????

This might make you laugh but I'd MUCH rather a flogger be used on me than a wooden hair brush! Seriously hair brushes scare the crap outta me!

 

[Bandit58]

I think you are probably right and he is going to be dissappointed

I was a vanilla woman but I met my Dom/Husband online and He introduced me to being a sub. I may be kinky but I have no inclination to dominate anyone, and that may be the case for you. Just because you didn't enjoy spanking your husband doesn't mean you're not kinky, you may just be kinky in a different way to what he wants of you

 

[EmpressFi]

I was a vanilla woman but I met my Dom/Husband online and He introduced me to being a sub. I may be kinky but I have no inclination to dominate anyone, and that may be the case for you. Just because you didn't enjoy spanking your husband doesn't mean you're not kinky, you may just be kinky in a different way to what he wants of you

I agree...

I was vanilla .. for the most part. Malin and I started with some light bondage and spanking.. and I've never felt comfortable dominating in that way. But that was as far as things went.. until about 3 years ago.. I'd say, read a lot, explore your own feelings and find out what you like.. maybe your kink is different than his

 

[Byakuya]

I've thought about buying these to use with my wife. I don't know how good they are, but I thought it might help point us in the right direction. Does anyone know if these are good or not? Or if there are any other better kinky coupon books out there?

 

[unfoundiamond]

I agree, FFury...

I am trying to focus my interpretation of the meaning of vanilla in this question.

I have a few responses...

**IMO, You can't make yourself enjoy something if you don't, you can't "learn to enjoy" kink, I know sometimes people don't KNOW they are kinky, or what really gets them going untill you try it, but, you can't make something turn you on.**

(I see a paralell example of this same thing in same sex relations, some people just like it, and some don't, and for a lot of those that don't, you can't "make" them, it doesn't turn them on... end statement)

But, yes... You can make something routine...
Yes... you can love someone and like the act you may not preffer,
but enjoy pleasing your partner... and the response it gets doing something they want...
but it gets old if you get nothing from it.

But like others have said, doing something only to please your partner is possible.

To me, when someone isn't truely into things but gonna be as good, as if you genuinely get into it, and get off on your role.

The only thing I can compare it to is, my vanilla bf is not really into spanking me, so when he does it... it doesn't barely effect me... its lackluster...

But a man who really is "into" spanking (He gets off on it), can just talk about it... and the act is completely worlds apart from the boring bf spank.

I also happen to find people with that little twist of "perversion" kinda hot...

And when I think of vanilla, I think of people who just get off on regular kissing, petting, and screwing, ect...

And you can't just wake up and decide on someone elses cues or needs what will turn you on.

But, if you think you are just inexpirienced... or don't know what you both like...
then I think you just need to "research"

(read about/see types of BDSM and fetish type sex and acts, watch diffrent porns for ideas and tecniques... and if you see something that makes your pretty little heart beat out of your chest... TRY IT...)

I think your attempt at giving him what he wants and being accepting of his desires was very admirable of you.

I think a lot of husbands probably wish their wife would be as open minded as you...

I think if there where prerequisites to acheiving what's you seek... being openminded and eager to try new things are definately two of them.

I think you and He should just see what appeals to you naturally...

And take it from there...

PS-IMO- Invest in a flogger for flogging...(lol, reffer to OP text for any questions...)

I don't see myself feeling as sexy weilding a brush, as I do a flogger... I also enjoy being flogged much more than spanked with a brush...
Its more whiplike, and sexy, and honestly to me, more... romantic or almost cerimonial... more genuine feeling, and more formally sexy pain and discipline,

which has no cause for guilt and negativity being attached to it, that may have accounted for your crying at the brush fiasco... try not to see causing him "sexy pain" as something to be guilty or remorseful of...

(Some people wanna worship their sadist (big scarey name for 'the spanker'),
I, personally, need/love/desire that "sexy pain", and if you can be the giver of that sensation, you should feel no more guilty than you are of causing pleasure or any other sensation you knew was wanted)

other objects are good, sure its nice to change out, always try new things ect, but a real flogger is not comparable, or replaceable to/by a hairbrush is all I am really saying...

I actually do not like to be spanked by a brush, I hate it, it stings in a bad way, and its just not made for that... and I am a cosmetologist, so I guess you can say that's a professional opinion, LOL, *wink*

**giggle**

Well Good Luck. And sorry it became such a long post.

New Year... New things... Have fun!!

 

[alexanna]

Lots of people do just that. They're called service tops. And lots of people find kink that they never knew existed. I fit into both those categories, as I started out topping my wife because she asked, and discovered that, damn, I like it.

It was a little strange for my husband at first, still is sometimes and I'm still way more into it than he is but he is discovering he likes it. I picked a fight with him about it 2 days ago in fact because I have such a hard time accepting it from him when I know he doesn't need to give it like I need to receive it. I was pleasantly surprised when told to shut up, that if he wanted my opinion he would give it to me and that he enjoys our "new sport" very much. He told me quote "I didn't used to like beef jerky and now I eat it all the time, stop obsessing."

Yes it still bugs me that he doesn't like hitting me as much as I like being hit but there are lots of flavors of BDSM and he is finding things he likes more than I do.

Actually now that we have been doing this for awhile I would be willing to top him if he asked or even if I thought he secretly desired it. I was pretty closed minded about that before but merely opening up and sharing my fantasies with him has brought us so much closer I would love the opportunity to return the favor.

I would stick with it as long as you can. We had a few bumpy, awkward sessions but we plugged along until we both felt comfortable and now it get more and more fun. It might help to read erotic stories similiar to his fantasies. That really helped my husband understand what I wanted and why and even got him warmed up to them. Helped him get in the right state of mind before we tried to play. The other thing I would say is to make sure and talk openly and honestly after each scene about how each of you felt. What was good and what wasn't. Have a sense of humor and don't be afraid to tackle it again in a day or two.

 

[Bunnytrax]

I am trying to focus my interpretation of the meaning of vanilla in this question.

And when I think of vanilla, I think of people who just get off on regular kissing, petting, and screwing, ect...

Yeah that would be me..lol. Sweet romantic boring sex.

I know makes you all want to barf.

I really do try though. I have yet to tell my man no to anything he asks. Even if i try it once and don't like it I am open to trying it again just in case we screwed something up. Like the first time he tried anal with me. I hate it. It hurt and I bled for 3 days. Yet after awhile when he brought up trying it again I let him. That time around it was better and now I will even ask for it. Still not my thing but I know he enjoys it and enjoys it more when I "beg" for it.

 

[RuffStuff76]

I'm not sure a vanilla girl can turn kinky. Either you are kinky deep down or you are not IMO.

I'm also not sure just how a wooden hair brush and a flogger are alike.

In any case, you might want to read The Good Girl's Guide To Domination:

http://www.akashaweb.com/goodgirl.html

If you are willing to play along in order to please your lover. Just don't be surprised if you find you can't or don't want to do it for it long.

Good luck.

I'm going to be honest, I also feel that it is either in you-or it isn't. It's one thing to spice it up a little by putting on a schoolgirl outfit, it's an entirely different thing to have BDSM as part of your sexual life. It really doesn't seem you're comfortable with this, and you're doing it just to accommodate him. You're not roleplaying, but actually putting yourself into awkward and uncomfortable situations, and that is not what BDSM is about.

 

[unfoundiamond]

Yeah that would be me..lol. Sweet romantic boring sex.

I know makes you all want to barf.

I really do try though. I have yet to tell my man no to anything he asks. Even if i try it once and don't like it I am open to trying it again just in case we screwed something up. Like the first time he tried anal with me. I hate it. It hurt and I bled for 3 days. Yet after awhile when he brought up trying it again I let him. That time around it was better and now I will even ask for it. Still not my thing but I know he enjoys it and enjoys it more when I "beg" for it.

I don't think vanilla sex makes me wanna "barf"... it might be boring to me...

I don't however consider romance to be a vanilla characteristic, or boring... romance and sweetness are very much a part of BDSM, for me.

I just don't know that I have ever enjoyed sex without playing with control (and/or exchange) and light pain (nails scratching, hairpulling, some light slapping on ass...)

I am just wired diffrently...

I enjoy it... but have had really sweet lovers who in their own way brought the kind of passion I require...
and do not look down on anyone... of course!

 

[twysted73]

Yeah that would be me..lol. Sweet romantic boring sex.

I know makes you all want to barf.

I really do try though. I have yet to tell my man no to anything he asks. Even if i try it once and don't like it I am open to trying it again just in case we screwed something up. Like the first time he tried anal with me. I hate it. It hurt and I bled for 3 days. Yet after awhile when he brought up trying it again I let him. That time around it was better and now I will even ask for it. Still not my thing but I know he enjoys it and enjoys it more when I "beg" for it.

Not sure anyone's said it (though with Lit crowd you have to be pretty quick in discovering new threads or else you're three posts in and every possible angle's been discussed and covered already.
( go spank/get spanked by someone people!)

Just take things slow. Start little and feel your way. Find what turns you on. Find what turns him on and like any relationship, compromise. Before you know it, shared experiences will draw you closer together, etc.
"It's only kinky until you do it." I wish you both the best of luck. Believe it or not, with patience and time, this is an easy fix. A new door to be opened by you both, hand in hand. I am rather envious actually.

 

[FurryFury]

Yeah that would be me..lol. Sweet romantic boring sex.

I know makes you all want to barf.

I really do try though. I have yet to tell my man no to anything he asks. Even if i try it once and don't like it I am open to trying it again just in case we screwed something up. Like the first time he tried anal with me. I hate it. It hurt and I bled for 3 days. Yet after awhile when he brought up trying it again I let him. That time around it was better and now I will even ask for it. Still not my thing but I know he enjoys it and enjoys it more when I "beg" for it.

I think it's great to be open to things like you are. I really do. You lover is a lucky man.

However I do not think anal sex should make you bleed. Was lube used? Not saliva or pre come, or "natural" lubrication but lube that you can buy? When it is used anal can be great for both people. The first time we tried, I bled too but that's because we didn't research it or use lube.

It sounds to me like you really want to please him. Which would sexually put you in the mindset of a submissive IMO.

 

[DeservingBitch]

Here's some reading that could help:

The Vanilla Domme

There's also a bunch of other stuff on this site that could be helpful.

Beyond that, I'll suggest doing as much reading as you can in terms of safety, physiology and technique. It's much easier being confident about what you're doing when you know what you're doing.

If it is possible for you, attending BDSM workshops could be a great way to learn as well. Going to local munches and meeting experienced people in the scene is another option. You could also go to a professional Domme with your hubby and have her teach you a few things. Not all pro-Domme will be up for it, but you can certainly find one that will be.

Have fun.