Am I improving?

[Guest]

I have a new story in Sci/fi, Fantasy - a real departure for me - complete fiction.
(No baggage handling for a change)

Chapter 1 was well received, but I screwed up and didn't allow votes. Chapter 2 up only a few days, has gotten the most votes and attention i ahve ever received on anything I've written, so I thought I would ask for a professional opinion.

Story - The Bear Necessities (damn I suck at titles) - Goldilocks meets were-bear twins. Chapters 1 and 2 are only the opening scenes, really - I will be starting on the actual backstory and real plot in the upcoming Chapters.

Much appreciated, folks.

Chapter 1
Chapter 2

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Chapter 1 - Improved, but you still have a way to go. You start out with ten paragraphs of description. Seven or eight of those ten are way too long. You need to break up you paragraphs into six to eight lines max interpursed between shorter blocks. Long paragraphs just get back clicks.

It would have been better if you had launched the story differently. Rather than tell us the discription, let the action and dialogue do it for you. That draws it out a bit, but it ends up being a road of discovery for the reader that will hold their interest.

Then for a while you did good. You let Jules and Dan tell their own story. But when Jules leaves the Kodiak Bar, you fell back into "Telling, not Showing".

You do have a good grasp of language. You idea was not bad - good, in fact. But you need to keep working at it.

My best suggestion is go to the Top List and start reading. Fuck what the stories are in there. Look at how those stories are constructed and how much dialogue there is. Look at the blocks of paragraphs. Look at the way the stories begin. And look at how the stories develop slowly, then rush to their conclusions.

Avid readers make good writers. You are getting there.

JJ

 

[Guest]

Chapter 1 - Improved, but you still have a way to go. You start out with ten paragraphs of description. Seven or eight of those ten are way too long. You need to break up you paragraphs into six to eight lines max interpursed between shorter blocks. Long paragraphs just get back clicks.

It would have been better if you had launched the story differently. Rather than tell us the discription, let the action and dialogue do it for you. That draws it out a bit, but it ends up being a road of discovery for the reader that will hold their interest.

Then for a while you did good. You let Jules and Dan tell their own story. But when Jules leaves the Kodiak Bar, you fell back into "Telling, not Showing".

You do have a good grasp of language. You idea was not bad - good, in fact. But you need to keep working at it.

My best suggestion is go to the Top List and start reading. Fuck what the stories are in there. Look at how those stories are constructed and how much dialogue there is. Look at the blocks of paragraphs. Look at the way the stories begin. And look at how the stories develop slowly, then rush to their conclusions.

Avid readers make good writers. You are getting there.

JJ

I read incessantly. My heartfelt thanks, Jenny. You are very generous.

 

[mjl2010]

I enjoyed chapter 2 a lot.

Keep writing girl.

MJL

 

[voluptuary_manque]

The change in typeface is annoying. I'm sorry, it really is. Italics certainly have their place, though probably not as often as I use them, but at least the letters should be of a consistant size. Do tell us if werebears and humans are interfertile. Ah luv babies!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I read Chapter 2. I think my coments on Chapter 1 also apply here. This is a good story, but the Telling detracts from your writing.

I just can't say it enough. You are not in the story, so don't tell it. Let the characters tell their own story. You will get a lot more reads, better feedback and soon gather a group of readers who will follow your work.

Just a hint: I don't bother with those I don't think have the makings to write. You do.

JJ