... stop caring? or become selfish?

[warrior queen]

alright - where to start?
i have always been the one 'in control'.
i have always been the person who everyone else relied on.
and i have always been terribly concerned with making sure everyone else around me is happy and content - at the expense of myself.

now i find myself, through my own fault doing those same things, confused and alone.

i will start at the beginning, and hopefully make some sense.... and then perhaps someone here will be able to give me the advice/guidance i need to be able to understand and move forward.

earlier this year, january, i left my long-term partner of over 12 years and 2 of my children to hopefully start over with the man i have loved all my life, who was finally free and single.
he and i have been passing eachother as we went through our lives, for over 26 years, but i always knew he was 'the one'..... it's just that circumstances always meant that one or the other of us was in a relationship whenever the other was free.
and so now - finally - here was the chance to be together, and i took it.

and it was wonderful.
blissful.
passionate beyond anything i ever knew.
extatically overwhelming.

but it ended when i tried to make it easier for everone else in our lives
i couldn't bring myself to be a bitch to my ex, nor could i just allow our respective children to be pushed aside for uz (misspelt intentionally) because that isn't in my nature.

without the kids there, and without influence from our ex's, we were so incredibly happy.
now everything has been shattered, and i cannot help but think it's due to my being unable to separate uz (there's that spelling again) from all the rest of the people in our lives.

how does one do that?
how do i do that?
i want to make it so that i no longer am over-concerned with everyone else's happiness, and finally concentrate on my own.
is it possible?

especially when i've always put everyone else first?

i don't even know if i'm making sense, but i really need someone to give me some advice here.
please ask if there's anything else you want/need to know - i will do anything to fix this 'flaw' in me

 

[NaughtyLil1]

how does one do that?
how do i do that?
i want to make it so that i no longer am over-concerned with everyone else's happiness, and finally concentrate on my own.
is it possible?

I think it's possible but it's not an easy journey. I'm taking that trip myself.

I don't think you're flawed. It's easy to get so caught up with in your loved one's happiness that you lose sight of our own. It's all about balance. Unfortunately, I'm still off kilter.

I wish I had an answer or at least some advice, but at this point I don't. Like you, I'm still trying to answer the same questions.

I wish you luck.

 

[Guest]

 

[warrior queen]

I think the age of the kids have a huge impact on any advice someone might offer.

eldest is almost 14, 2nd is 11, and little one is 9.
eldest spent some time with us, before everything shattered, but i am now sending him back to the stability of his father and siblings.
he needs the security, and i'm not emotionally stable enough to look after him the way he needs
not right now, anyway.

 

[Bandit58]

It would be wonderful to be able to shut everything else out, and have just the two of you living in blissful happiness forever.

Unfortunately it doesn't happen that way. It's called life and no matter how we wish it, it comes between you. WQ I did the same as you, in an earlier life. I put myself and my feelings aside for my kids and husband and ended up making myself physically and mentally ill. I was depressed and very unhappy. It all ended the day my now ex husband made a remark that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I blurted out what I should have said a long time ago, that I was leaving and I'd had enough.

I'm sure there were many people (including my mother) who thought I was being selfish. But I had to learn to be "selfish" to save my sanity. It's more "self preservation" than selfishness. If you don't look after you, how can you take care of others.......

How did I do it......it was a gradual process. Even now I'm still going through it! Master Gil keeps an eye on me and reminds me sometimes to take some time out from looking after Him. It's all about balance Try thinking along the lines of "Do I really need to do this now?" when you're feeling run down or tired or whatever (priorities). As a sub I have had to take a step back and tell myself how can I be the best I can be if I'm not taking care of me as well as Him......

 

[Cathleen]

This is a tough one WQ. I can't imagine your situation or angst but I had to say something because of the way you titled the thread.

There is a HUGE step between selfish and not caring. I spent years taking care of others and it took a toll. I fought and struggled with the idea I was now selfish because I couldn't do what I used to do... please note I didn't say I couldn't do what I wanted to do. I had nothing left to give. It was all gone.

To replenish I thought I was being selfish. What I was doing was self-care (for the first time in my life). 'Not caring' is hardly what I preceive here. I also don't see any selfish behavior.

It's only been a very short while since you've made this change and it is a huge change. I wouldn't go to any extreme at this point. I keep hearing the advice ''don't make any big decisions for at least a year'' when a big change has been made in our lives.

Maybe you'll have to sit with this a while longer. But self-care has NO connection to selfish.

 

[Emerald Eyed]

wait, now you left your ex to be with another man?

alright - where to start?
i have always been the one 'in control'.
i have always been the person who everyone else relied on.
and i have always been terribly concerned with making sure everyone else around me is happy and content - at the expense of myself.

now i find myself, through my own fault doing those same things, confused and alone.

i will start at the beginning, and hopefully make some sense.... and then perhaps someone here will be able to give me the advice/guidance i need to be able to understand and move forward.

earlier this year, january, i left my long-term partner of over 12 years and 2 of my children to hopefully start over with the man i have loved all my life, who was finally free and single.
he and i have been passing eachother as we went through our lives, for over 26 years, but i always knew he was 'the one'..... it's just that circumstances always meant that one or the other of us was in a relationship whenever the other was free.
and so now - finally - here was the chance to be together, and i took it.

and it was wonderful.
blissful.
passionate beyond anything i ever knew.
extatically overwhelming.

but it ended when i tried to make it easier for everone else in our lives
i couldn't bring myself to be a bitch to my ex, nor could i just allow our respective children to be pushed aside for uz (misspelt intentionally) because that isn't in my nature.

without the kids there, and without influence from our ex's, we were so incredibly happy.
now everything has been shattered, and i cannot help but think it's due to my being unable to separate uz (there's that spelling again) from all the rest of the people in our lives.

how does one do that?
how do i do that?
i want to make it so that i no longer am over-concerned with everyone else's happiness, and finally concentrate on my own.
is it possible?

especially when i've always put everyone else first?

i don't even know if i'm making sense, but i really need someone to give me some advice here.
please ask if there's anything else you want/need to know - i will do anything to fix this 'flaw' in me

 

[Emerald Eyed]

eldest is almost 14, 2nd is 11, and little one is 9.
eldest spent some time with us, before everything shattered, but i am now sending him back to the stability of his father and siblings.
he needs the security, and i'm not emotionally stable enough to look after him the way he needs
not right now, anyway.

you know WQ, you admitted here in not being stable.... I totally understand that, but do you feel stable enough to provide this teen girl with stability?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I am not a parent but I imagine you must be carrying around a huge amount of guilt and stress now that you're no longer a primary care-giver to your children. It must have taken a great degree of unselfishness to allow them the stability of their father and their family home. To have dragged them into your new life when you're so unsure of everything would have been selfish.

You say you don't want to be a bitch to your ex. Does that mean he is making things needlessly difficult and stressful out of bitterness and jealousy? Most men do not cope well with being jilted, especially if a relationship has to be maintained for the sake of your kids.

I'm not surprised that everything is peachy when your ex hubby and kids are out of the picture. You're able to just be you and when you've had years of being wife and mother first, human being second, it must be a heady and seductive time for you. There's no shame in acknowledging that the time you spend with your new man is blissful. Would it have been worth leaving your ex and kids for otherwise?

I would suggest trying to compartmentalise your worries and stresses.

Your ex husband is going to have to adjust to the fact that you have a life elsewhere now. If he really makes things impossible to negotiate amicably (and I'm aware that I'm only guessing here, he may be perfectly genial for all I know) then it might be better in the long run to get decisions made by a court of law that he can't just disregard when the mood takes him. You are responsible to your kids, not to him any more. Don't allow yourself to be guilt tripped because he's not able to move on yet.

Your kids are old enough that you should be able to discuss things with them fairly frankly. Make a point of doing that because if there's one thing kids hate (especially teens) it's being kept out of the loop and not given reasons for the decisions you make that affect them. Kids feel impotent and helpless when their parents split, which leads naturally to frustration and rage. Be open with them and encourage them to air their concerns - whether your new man is around or not. Where possible, let them have input and control over smaller, tangible things. It can make the bigger decisions that occur over their heads more easy to accept. Spending time with each kid alone so you can lavish attention on them and find out how they really feel about things might also be productive.

You say you don't feel stable, so fix that. Stable is a big ask after so many major changes but you should at least be taking positive steps towards your own equanimity. Get a therapist and allow yourself to lean on family and friends for a while. There is no shame in saying that you can't cope with everything that well right now. The shame lies in not doing something constructive to get yourself more grounded and established in your new life.

I hope you get through this. You sound like you deserve a break and a little happiness.

 

[satindesire]

I don't understand why your children are having such an adverse affect on your relationship with the new guy. Does he not like children? Are your kids mean to him?

Also, if you're not emotionally ready to deal with your children, job, life etc. at the same time as being with this man, you need to NOT be with this man and work on finding a stable path in your life to deal with the stresses of everyday living, BEFORE getting into this relationship.

 

[PertPerth]

Hey WQ
Firsly, my thoughts are with you. I can't imagine how you're feeling or what you're going through because I've not been married, nor had children. Having said that I have been through several major life-altering events which have taught me a lot about human nature.
What ever happens you're not alone.
You (as in any one individual) can't fix everything and it's NOT your responsibility to fix everything.
You can't make people happy - you have to make yourself happy.
Sometimes you have to choose; you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Being 'selfish' is possibly the smartest thing anyone can do. Why? Because in general, people ARE selfish! Who's going to take care of you if you don't? We are all human, have faults, have needs and want everything to be 'perfect'. It's in our genetic make-up to be optomistic (which is why people buy lotto tickets!) but in doing that, we often get so bitterly disappointed when things don't work out the way we imagined.

What ever happens you're not alone.

 

[Eilan]

FYI--this thread is a couple of years old and was bumped because of a thread that wq started on the GB a few days ago.

Not that there haven't been some interesting insights. . .

 

[VelvetDarkness]

FYI--this thread is a couple of years old and was bumped because of a thread that wq started on the GB a few days ago.

Not that there haven't been some interesting insights. . .

LOL that's teach me to pay attention. Thanks. Was wondering where the OP had gone.