A Beginner's Introduction to DD/lg

[Littlewolf8258]

I admit, I’m not very good at this part… vetting. For someone who has trust issues I tend to take people at face value and not take the time I should to really see beneath the surface. Definitely interested in any advice some of the more experienced folks have on this topic.

 

[barefootgirl69]

Getting to know a potential partner  is a lot like dating. As in any relationship, you need to know if you're compatible, if there's a spark. Everyone is on their best behavior when they first start dating. Taking our time is important, because only through a period of time can we find out if someone is trustworthy, honest, the way they handle stress, or if they are angry/violent. Just to name a few things.

Vetting goes much deeper. Things should be discovered about each other: kinks, soft/hard limits, personal goals, what each one is desiring to get from this relationship.

It's not all about sex, either. If something is important to you, bring it up.

I think as we discover who we are, it's not out of the question to start making a list. Write it down. Write down questions you want to ask so they aren't forgotten.

There's more, but this is off the top of my head.

 

[Strixaluco]

It is like dating to the power of three. Realising you now have more things to consider in regarding compatibility, and being more aware of the importance of compatibility and vetting for it, than the average vanilla person is - though It is of course no less importance in a vanilla relationship. You can sometimes really see that some couples did practically no vetting whatsoever and then they have a messy divorce...

Among the first things to check would be if you are even looking for the same thing. If one is poly and looking for a partner in the DD/lg sense but not to live their whole life with, and one is looking for a serious relationship for hopefully the rest of their lives, that obviously will not work. It is also possible to encounter people who see this as a role play that only lasts for a short while, without knowing anything deeper.

Regarding needs, wants and limits, the most important question is, are my hard limits on their must have list and vice versa?
And what is a must-have can depend on the situation For someone in a poly relationship , or if it's not meant to last decades, it is not a necessary to get all their desires fulfilled in a single relationship. Whereas one cannot give up as much in the long term in a monogamous relationship.

Every now and then you can meet people who try to make themselves fit for you in an unrealistic way. I don't know how much women do this, but in my life I've seen a fair portion of men doing it, even those calling identifying as dom. In the bdsm circles it might be them saying that it isn't critical that I don't take any spanking whatsoever, while it's the very first thing on their list of interests. I wouldn't believe that - or then they are just after a short affair, or a non-exclusive session-based relationship, neither of which has ever interested me.
Then again giving up something that's interesting but not important is possible, and even likely to happen.

It will probably also be necessary to check that you mean the same thing with words and terms, at least if there seems to be any hints of possible misunderstanding. So don't just compare lists of wants, needs and limits and call it a day, talk about them more broadly.

 

[kyblue12]

It’s been heartening to see the responses from those more experienced than me basically saying I’m at least on the right track. Execution of being on that track is still hard sometimes, communication is difficult with life clamoring for attention too, but I do try.

 

[Jw75766]

My advice would be, be careful to not move too serious too quickly. This seems to be a very prominent issue I see in many. I was very guilty of this when I was single. The honeymoon phase is very intoxicating and can lull you into a false sense of security and placement. It's important to gradually move into more serious aspects of the relationship. It's much harder to leave a destructive or unhealthy relationship once it's been allowed to progress to a point where you've allowed yourself to become overly dependent on the other or put yourself in a codependency (helping raise each other's children for an example). Take walks, talk about desires, goals, what's important to you both, what you want from this relationship if you continue to pursue it. Talk, talk, talk. That's my advice.

 

[kyblue12]

I’m glad @Jw75766 made his post. The ending kind of leads into the topic I think comes naturally next. As he points out, through as we go through the process of vetting potential littles or Daddies communication is our most important resource. It’s what will show either green or red flags. Communication will let us be able to decide when those red flags are too much. With green flags, as we continue getting to know a potential partner that communication will help us establish boundaries and rules. That communication helps us grow together. In short, it lets us get to know each other and grow together.

While I have no* experience in a DD/lg relationship I have seen from others the importance keeping that communication going.

*- I’m not going to count my first attempt at a relationship here. She and I moved too fast and it did not go well.

 

[barefootgirl69]

I agree, communication is always important. I'll reiterate that knowing something about yourself helps immensely. Knowing what you want or don't want.

However, this is also a wonderful discovery time. Not just a potential mate, but maybe learning new things - especially new things about yourself.

Right now, I won't mention that communication should be ongoing. It's more important for me to say don't get stuck on "I should have done some else" or "why didn't I catch that earlier." We are all still growing and learning, just at different stages, and there's no sense in beating ourselves up.

 

[kyblue12]

I agree, communication is always important. I'll reiterate that knowing something about yourself helps immensely. Knowing what you want or don't want.

However, this is also a wonderful discovery time. Not just a potential mate, but maybe learning new things - especially new things about yourself.

Right now, I won't mention that communication should be ongoing. It's more important for me to say don't get stuck on "I should have done some else" or "why didn't I catch that earlier." We are all still growing and learning, just at different stages, and there's no sense in beating ourselves up.

I am in agreement that it should be ongoing…. I just can’t exactly speak to what that looks like…

 

[barefootgirl69]

I am in agreement that it should be ongoing…. I just can’t exactly speak to what that looks like…

See, we're all growing at different stages!

 

[kyblue12]

See, we're all growing at different stages!

Growing older, but not up…, lol

 

[FrenchLopBunny]

I am in agreement that it should be ongoing…. I just can’t exactly speak to what that looks like…

What that looks like for us is not necessarily the best answer for anyone else, but we have a written agreement, and once a month, we literally lay it on the table and read through it together. This provides the opportunity to refresh our understanding and to make adjustments. In the beginning, we did this weekly. I’m confident that at some point we will extend the review period further. We also both have the “right “ to ask for a change at any time. So far that has usually happened in the form of me requesting to try something new, maybe outside the scope of our existing agreement. (Like the spanking episode last Valentine’s Day).

When we started, he was experienced in DD/lg, and I was a total newbie. He had more hard limits than I because of a bad experience with his last lg. Our agreement covers everything from sex to household chores.
Then there’s the daily conversations. We both strive to be proactive in addressing our needs and feelings, particularly if we feel that our needs are not being met. We’re getting better at that, and we’re pretty good at recognizing when the other is holding something back.

It’s not easy. You have to make yourself vulnerable to criticism without becoming defensive, and at the same time, stand up for yourself without being offensive.

It is worth the effort. I think if more vanilla couples worked this hard at communicating, the divorce rate would drop.

 

[Jw75766]

It’s not easy. You have to make yourself vulnerable to criticism without becoming defensive, and at the same time stand up for yourself without being offensive.

That one statement right there is so crucial and should be put in big bold letters. That's healthy and safe communication right there in one sentence.

@kyblue12 it's possible, in my opinion, to be in a quasi DD/lg relationship without the defined label (as I feel I'm in). My wife and I have so many similarities of a DD/lg but at any mention of such things, she totally rejects the idea (I recently discussed this with her and she could only see it as a kink which she said she didn't think described us), anyway, just trying to say, you may have had some experience in a DD/lg relationship but just not had that official designation.

 

[Strixaluco]

she could only see it as a kink which she said she didn't think described us), anyway, just trying to say, you may have had some experience in a DD/lg relationship but just not had that official designation.

Calling It a kink doesn't really fit something that is really a lifestyle, though. For me, it absolutely is NOT a kink - DD/lg is not sexual me in anyway, I am an adult sub in the bedroom. I need DD/lg in other areas of life.

Sure, for some it is a kink and a big one. But that alone is a very deficient way of describing DD/lg.

Regarding definitions I agree. Not all DD/lg relationships are called such. Most of the time we don't call our relationship as such either, though we recognise it as one. My DD has always thought of himself as a Dom.

 

[FrenchLopBunny]

Calling It a kink doesn't really fit something that is really a lifestyle, though.

There's another statement that needs to be put in big bold letters.

It's not all about the sex. In fact, it's little about the sex. Being DD/lg has been healing for me. Even my therapist has noticed the change. It's because of the "holding space for my emotions" that I mentioned over in Daddy's Little Girl. Because of our lifestyle, I can free my mind from worry and just be the me that's never had a chance to exist before. The exception is at work, and even then, with my collar, I can feel his calming presence.
Yes, I'll admit, we explore the kinky sex side, but even then, it's about freeing me by taking away control (with consent, of course). We've tried exhibitionism (I like), spanking (I definitely don't like), shibari (another like), and a few others I'll not mention
You can be a kinkster without the lifestyle, and you can be in the lifestyle without the kink.

 

[FrenchLopBunny]

Here's a description of DD/lg from DDLG Meet. They describe DD/lg as "a consensual power exchange relationship where one partner takes on a nurturing, authoritative role (the Daddy Dom or caregiver), while the other partner takes on a more submissive, childlike, or emotionally vulnerable role (the Little).

Notice there's no mention of sex.

They go on to mention that age regression roleplay (the kink) can overlap with DD/lg, but "Not all DDLG relationships involve age play. Some focus purely on emotional dynamics, nurturing, or gentle domination." (me and Wolfie)

(Emphasis added)

 

[Jw75766]

Calling It a kink doesn't really fit something that is really a lifestyle, though. For me, it absolutely is NOT a kink - DD/lg is not sexual me in anyway, I am an adult sub in the bedroom. I need DD/lg in other areas of life.

Sure, for some it is a kink and a big one. But that alone is a very deficient way of describing DD/lg.

Regarding definitions I agree. Not all DD/lg relationships are called such. Most of the time we don't call our relationship as such either, though we recognise it as one. My DD has always thought of himself as a Dom.

I totally agree. My wife has a very strange way of approaching sexuality for some reason. I can joke and flirt with her, make a playful innuendo but she'll interpret it in some completely different and unappealing way. I had hoped she'd understand what I was trying to say, that DD/lg type relationships aren't the stereotypical situations that many associate with such a term. I had hoped approaching this topic with her would lead somewhere......with more understanding I guess....

My wife tends to have a very black and white view when it comes to sexuality. Being able to read others experiences here definitely reinforces the idea that it's not a kink, it's not some sort of wierd abusive thing (my wife went that direction with it). Everyone here seems to have a very functional and healthy relationships and it's too bad more people can't be exposed to at least hearing how successful and healthy your relationships are. Yes, they may look different in certain areas, but different isn't bad or harmful. It might help break some of the knee jerk stereotypes people jump to when talking about subjects like this.

 

[Jw75766]

Here's a description of DD/lg from DDLG Meet. They describe DD/lg as "a consensual power exchange relationship where one partner takes on a nurturing, authoritative role (the Daddy Dom or caregiver), while the other partner takes on a more submissive, childlike, or emotionally vulnerable role (the Little).

Notice there's no mention of sex.

They go on to mention that age regression roleplay (the kink) can overlap with DD/lg, but "Not all DDLG relationships involve age play. Some focus purely on emotional dynamics, nurturing, or gentle domination." (me and Wolfie)

(Emphasis added)

I guess for some, it's how they were raised that determines how they view the thought perhaps? My wife grew up in a very strict christian home and has very strict views on sexuality. I grew up in a fairly strict christian home but my views have always been a bit more malleable so I don't know if I can entirely say it's because of her upbringing....

 

[FrenchLopBunny]

Overcoming our raising can be extremely challenging. You may want to listen to the July episodes of the Dom Sub Devotion podcast. At least two are relevant to your situation.