Say What You Need to Say II

[AtramentousRex]

We all want things we know that we can't have. Most of us have felt that we wanted to be something we are not. Maybe you wish you had a better body, or that nature granted you finer features. Maybe you were burdened with curses that you would give anything to lift. Perhaps there are burdens, like chains on your shoulders, dragging around wherever you go.

Everyone wants the greener grass sometimes. Or to go back in time to rebuild a better life from birth to now. Like a do over where you go down the right roads, say the right words, make the right moves. But in the end we all understand in our heart of hearts that we cannot rewrite our past, or make ourselves be anything other than who we are.

So we accept. There are things I will never do or have. Places I'll never go, sights I wont get to see. My life is a combination of the choices I've made and the things I couldn't control. This is the truth for all of us.

Tip a glass, take a hit. To the things that weren't, the things that weren't and that which can never be. May you all get through the long dark night, however you can. We're on this road together. Goodnight.

 

[AtramentousRex]

Posted elsewhere but always should have been here:
I think it's okay to want someone without ever talking to them. Without them ever seeing you. It's okay to have that unrequited crush.

I feel that for many of you. I may never burden you with the telling, but I see you. I see the sexiness and the struggles, the sweetness of your heart and the darkness you struggle with.
I think you're beautiful.

 

[AtramentousRex]

There are some men in the world I would like to shove through a plate glass window into a pit of used needles. Then douse the whole thing with gasoline and toss in a lit match.

You are not a father, you broken piece of shit motherfucker and I hope we meet in hell.

 

[AtramentousRex]

Sometimes things hurt so bad that you have no words left. Sometimes the reasons not to speak become the excuse not to reach out, even if you keep hoping...sometimes silence is the only thing can be said. I will hold the pain of this and I will keep my peace. I will lose today, so that someone else can win. So that I can be the man I hope I am, even if some think otherwise. I will do this and pray someday...maybe.

 

[LovelyLadyLicker]

I try to be a genuine friend to many and a good person to all, but people are either always mean to me, and/or try to take advantage of me.

Idk if it’s because I’m (unironically) quirky, talented, annoying, mysterious, or a combination of everything, but the people who enter my life are just there to snoop around, judge me, resent me, and leave when they’ve had their fill. It sucks.

Fortunately I don’t suffer from loneliness, but I’m just…sad, girl. Yknow?

 

[AtramentousRex]

4 months ago, I lost my job and my home and had a heart attack. I had to have open heart surgery to do a double bypass. While I was on the table, I died. I coded and flat lined for a few minutes. When I was in recovery, sleeping on a couch in a strange city, in a strange state, with nothing but a voice on the phone to keep me alive...I made a choice.

The second half of my life, the next 40 years will not be what the first was. I refuse to let the darkness win, despite all that has happened and all that I have had to live through. I will not sink into the despair and loneliness, even if many and at times, even myself believe that is what I deserve. I refuse to let my heart become poisoned with self loathing or hate for others. The judgements of others will no longer have the power to destroy me.

I have lived through things you haven't and walked this road in my own shoes. It has made me stronger than you can understand and nothing can break me. Not people who hate me, not people I love, not armies or forces arraigned against me. I wont go down without fighting this time and what I fight for is to live my life with my heart wide open and LOUD!!!

i WILL LET MY LIGHT SHINE FORTH FROM THIS DARKNESS WITH OR WITHOUT HELP!!!

That promise I made to the poor bastard who died alone in that fucking hospital on that slab with his chest torn open by the life he had to live? I'm going to keep that promise. NO ONE can stop me. I will let my beauty be seen and known. I will sing and shout and cry out for everyone to hear it and all I want is for everyone to join me. Live your life out loud! Do the thing, say what you need to say! If you're afraid I promise to take your hand and stand beside you every step of the way.

I so swear that I will live with my heart wide open and out loud. No more secrets and no more hiding who I am, no more trying to be anything that anyone else might want me to be and no more lies. I owe it to myself and all of those who helped me get through to this moment. So if I wronged you, I'm sorry. If I hurt you, I'm sorry. I couldn't be what you needed. I have no choice but to be who I am and follow this road I've chosen.

You could join me here in the light, if you just find a way to overcome your fear and let love be your guide. Anyone can do it and Ill never stop trying to help, to protect and to guide. Without Hope. Without Witness. Without Reward. This is who I choose to be the man I know deserves to love and be loved for who he is. I will never give up. Don't give up. I'm here.

If you are someone who read this and snorted cynical laughter, or scoffed at how ridiculous it sounds, then you are the one with a problem. Even if you have problems with me. I'm not letting you win. I. will. not. give. up. On myself, or ON YOU.

 

[AtramentousRex]

Everyone had a first love, right? Or will have eventually. Mine was her.

I was 21 years old and she was the first girl I ever really noticed. 5'3", blonde hair and the most electric blue eyes I've ever seen to this day. She was all the right kinds of curvy, maybe a little too skinny sometimes.

Have you ever had a sexual desire that was wrong, taboo, sinful? The kind that makes your pulse pound, your veins heat with the fire in your blood, as your heart skips a beat and you catch your breath?

She was like the living personification of that. You think you're the sweetest little Daddies slut around right? The mould was made from her. Bisexual as all hell, girls. Penchant for older men. She was the archetype of all my types long before they became mainstream and acceptable. That round, tight ass, that white smile while her eyes crackled.

I loved her for 7 years, through so many changes that occurred in our lives. We had phone sex in her bathroom while her new husband watched football. Her son was named after me and the song that represented how she felt. I was nothing she was attracted to. I was fat and pale and shy, awkward as it could get. I was a virgin when we met.

While she was everything sunshine, heat and pleasure, I was darkness and cold, pain and sorrow. She was the girl in white, I was the boy in black and we were broken dolls who found each other somehow. I used to say that I could close my eyes anywhere in the world and point to where she was, anywhere in the world. She shared a kiss tasting of chocolate with me once, just from asking me to think about the part of her I found most desirable. We were hundreds of miles apart, but that night I felt her kiss, tasted her sweet lips and I wasn't thinking of her perfect body.

It was those eyes. The eyes she had when she looked up at the camera as she knelt to help her son zip up his coat. The man who took the photo clearly saw what I did. Her beauty wasn't in the superficial image she projected, but the unconscious wholesomeness of her love for her child. I felt unclean in her presence but needed her like crops need rain.

It's been 16 years Chloe Mae. I still think of you and wonder where you are. Can you still feel me? I loved you so.

 

[AtramentousRex]

Sometimes you just have to let them think what they think about you. Nothing you say right now is going to make them listen. It aches like a sore tooth, but you just have to live with it. Live without them. Maybe someday they will see.

 

[AtramentousRex]

DOCTOR: We travel in and out of the slipstreams of time. Beautiful things can be forgotten and gone. But they still happened, somewhere. I think one thing remains. I love you. And I love you, Pops. That will never change.

— The Reality War

Somewhere, some when. I talked to you then and we had all these years together. In some place beyond dreams, we were able to overcome our fear. I was the man you need and the man I wish to be. But not now. For now I have to let you go. I'm sorry that you can feel me struggling with that. Sometimes the time just isn't right. Someday, maybe. I'm trying to learn how to take responsibility for the harm I cause, with my best of intentions. I'm going to change.

 

[AtramentousRex]

Can I have a break for one day? Just for today, let the punishment be done. Yes, I know I deserve it and bring it all on myself. So maybe I'm talking to myself. Please, I've had enough pain for now. Let me have the day off to rest.

 

[AtramentousRex]

You told me that YOU were the magic that came into my life. You said that your influence was why people here suddenly started to notice me after all these years. You said that YOU were why I was sexy. Why some of the women got curious.

You lied. It was never you. I just had such a profound experience that it restarted my brain chemistry. I forgot to be depressed and afraid. The BPD wasn't there anymore because my brain and body were renewed. So I let who I really am shine through and wasn't afraid to show it. Those who hadn't already formed negative opinions, saw a smart, funny, charming, sexy man. Because they did, I was confident.

The only thing that undermined my confidence and sense of self was the people who abandoned, abused and mistreated me at a time when I needed kindness and compassion more than I ever had. My brain chemistry reset again and the depression and the BPD came back full force.

Because I did it once. I can do it again. I will heal from this, I will recover from this and though the price be high, I will be whole again.

 

[VamPal1]

Fuck Trump.

 

[fakingadulthood]

Fuck Trump.

Replying too because liking the post isn’t enough

 

[AtramentousRex]

Sometimes, you have to accept that people are not going to feel the way you wish they would. You may never get the responses that you hope for. A community needs an outsider to shun and loath to form the bonds required to be a community. Opposing forces and dual thinking are a big part of human nature.

Georg Simmel's essay "The Stranger" was first published in 1908 as part of his book Soziologie: Untersuchungen über die Formen der Vergesellschaftung. (Sociology: Investigations into Forms of Sociation). In the essay, Simmel describes the effect of the stranger, or outsider on group dynamics. I proposed that the role of the outsider is just as important as that of the insider, or an accepted member of the group or community. An Interesting Read.
I read about this and realized that no matter how I may feel about my role here at Literotica, or in society in general, its possible that I may actually play a more vital part than I ever considered.

 

[LordofDargaardkeep]

Is this a thread or just some insight into someones delirium?

 

[Mrtenant]

4 months ago, I lost my job and my home and had a heart attack. I had to have open heart surgery to do a double bypass. While I was on the table, I died. I coded and flat lined for a few minutes. When I was in recovery, sleeping on a couch in a strange city, in a strange state, with nothing but a voice on the phone to keep me alive...I made a choice.

The second half of my life, the next 40 years will not be what the first was. I refuse to let the darkness win, despite all that has happened and all that I have had to live through. I will not sink into the despair and loneliness, even if many and at times, even myself believe that is what I deserve. I refuse to let my heart become poisoned with self loathing or hate for others. The judgements of others will no longer have the power to destroy me.

I have lived through things you haven't and walked this road in my own shoes. It has made me stronger than you can understand and nothing can break me. Not people who hate me, not people I love, not armies or forces arraigned against me. I wont go down without fighting this time and what I fight for is to live my life with my heart wide open and LOUD!!!

i WILL LET MY LIGHT SHINE FORTH FROM THIS DARKNESS WITH OR WITHOUT HELP!!!

That promise I made to the poor bastard who died alone in that fucking hospital on that slab with his chest torn open by the life he had to live? I'm going to keep that promise. NO ONE can stop me. I will let my beauty be seen and known. I will sing and shout and cry out for everyone to hear it and all I want is for everyone to join me. Live your life out loud! Do the thing, say what you need to say! If you're afraid I promise to take your hand and stand beside you every step of the way.

I so swear that I will live with my heart wide open and out loud. No more secrets and no more hiding who I am, no more trying to be anything that anyone else might want me to be and no more lies. I owe it to myself and all of those who helped me get through to this moment. So if I wronged you, I'm sorry. If I hurt you, I'm sorry. I couldn't be what you needed. I have no choice but to be who I am and follow this road I've chosen.

You could join me here in the light, if you just find a way to overcome your fear and let love be your guide. Anyone can do it and Ill never stop trying to help, to protect and to guide. Without Hope. Without Witness. Without Reward. This is who I choose to be the man I know deserves to love and be loved for who he is. I will never give up. Don't give up. I'm here.

If you are someone who read this and snorted cynical laughter, or scoffed at how ridiculous it sounds, then you are the one with a problem. Even if you have problems with me. I'm not letting you win. I. will. not. give. up. On myself, or ON YOU.

Live your best life brother. Every day is a gift. It is on us to do something with it whether its part of some long term thing we have going or something more immediate or anywhere in-between.

For what it's worth, I still have your number in my phone and always hope you are doing well. I was just now shocked and dismayed to see that you had the heart attack and died. How did I not know this. I had wondered where you had gone. Now I know.

I am always around. Kinda like a fungus
Always have a joke to share, pick on someone- never meant to be malicious, just being neighborly or friendly.

 

[AtramentousRex]

Is this a thread or just some insight into someones delirium?

Is this really what you had to say? I mean, it's your dime pal...

 

[Rach9703]

Sometimes people come into our lives unexpectedly and turn everything upside down, but not always in a bad way. Sometimes those same people leave unexpectedly, under dubious circumstances without letting you say what you need to say.

None of it was pretend. None of it was fake. None of it was pity. Everything came from a place of love and everything still does. Being shut out hurts. Being made out to be the bad guy when you know you weren’t, that fucking sucks. And being told that you’re nothing to someone and that they’re nothing to you? Well that’s a fucking bitch.

I know you know. Deep down, you know. But you wrote me off like I was and am nothing. I didn’t abandon you. You quit me. You listened to other people but wouldn’t hear me out. When you had nobody else, I was always there. And you know I always will be. What happened to us?

From my perspective, I know what happened and I know it’s only going to cause you more pain. You know how to find me. You know me. Without interference, you know ME. The rest is only for you to hear.

 

[AtramentousRex]

Right now, if I had to be honest, there isn't anything to say. Just a single echoing sound in an otherwise silent room.

 

[cascadiabound]

I know you can get better if you want to.
I pray you will find that motivation soon. please.

 

[AtramentousRex]

I know you can get better if you want to.
I pray you will find that motivation soon. please.

I've never not had the motivation. I've been trying badly to get help lately. Unfortunately the place I'm staying is a very rural midwestern place with no funding or programs. Not that I am unwilling to relocate. Just don't have anywhere to go.
But thank you.

 

[cascadiabound]

I've never not had the motivation. I've been trying badly to get help lately. Unfortunately the place I'm staying is a very rural midwestern place with no funding or programs. Not that I am unwilling to relocate. Just don't have anywhere to go.
But thank you.

Sorry- maybe I made an error posting in your thread. It was just what I needed to say - NOT actually directed at you.

 

[AtramentousRex]

Sorry- maybe I made an error posting in your thread. It was just what I needed to say - NOT actually directed at you.

Ohhh lol no no no post please. I was informed that it was to me and just kinda went with it? So I am sorry.
But for what its worth, the other person might be in a similar situation. Helps isn't very available these days.

 

[cascadiabound]

Ohhh lol no no no post please. I was informed that it was to me and just kinda went with it? So I am sorry.
But for what its worth, the other person might be in a similar situation. Helps isn't very available these days.

He's in a day therapy program, so he has access to help. He needs to decide he wants that help.

I know it's complicated and not an easy path. Only he can decide to find his inner motivation to get better.

 

[AtramentousRex]

He's in a day therapy program, so he has access to help. He needs to decide he wants that help.

I know it's complicated and not an easy path. Only he can decide to find his inner motivation to get better.

I'm sorry. All I can do is offer you this; Right now he needs anyone and everyone who loves him. Don't give up or let him push you away. Support systems are vital.