Celine: A Nylon Fetish Meetcute

[Nylonian]

It's been a little while but I am slowly getting back into writing regularly; trying to build some momentum.
Any feedback is immensely appreciated as I am working on my longest story (so far) at the moment (but that one will be very different from this one in theme and plot).

Hopefully it's a must-read for any nylon enthusiasts out there. Enjoy!

https://www.literotica.com/s/celine-11

 

[ElectricBlue]

It's been a little while but I am slowly getting back into writing regularly; trying to build some momentum.
Any feedback is immensely appreciated as I am working on my longest story (so far) at the moment (but that one will be very different from this one in theme and plot).

Hopefully it's a must-read for any nylon enthusiasts out there. Enjoy!

https://www.literotica.com/s/celine-11

I started reading because stockings, right?

But I gave up, because your story is full of sentences like this:

I didn't notice at first but it was her nylons that caught my attention.

which is illogical. You did notice her stockings, so why say you didn't?

Then the train isn't busy, but you had to squeeze in between two businessmen. Make up your mind! Busy, not busy?

She's the Mystery Woman, then a couple of paragraphs later she's Celine, but she's not introduced herself yet. Sure, they're yak yakking, but the upper case title Mystery Woman infers she's still a stranger.

Lots of sentences like that, with non sequiters, poor internal logic, irrelevance. I know you want to portray the excitement, but the story falls over itself repeatedly with that kind of haste.

I reckon this is a good example of "write when hot, edit when cool." The buzz he's getting is good, he's excited for sure (who wouldn't be with the hot chick on the train?) but you need to step back from the story and consider how it's being told. Ask yourself, does every sentence make sense within itself, and with the next one. I sense that you've bolted in extra detail because you thought it would add to the telling, but for me it got messy, it detracts.

But then you put in the little details like her boots tied with ribbons, not the laces, and that's brilliant, but it nearly got lost because of twaddle around it.

There's the core of a tight, spicy story here - I'm a real fan of unexpected encounter stories like this, and have written many myself - but it's lost in too much treacle. I'd like to see what you can do if you took the time to edit really closely, fine tune those sentences, take out the phrases that don't in fact make sense. It would be a shorter piece, sure, but a better one.

I should go back and try to finish the story, but I fear his dweebiness would be too much, and he wouldn't deserve the reward. Which is probably my loss, because.. stockings. And stockings come off a cute girl's legs .

 

[Nylonian]

I started reading because stockings, right?

But I gave up, because your story is full of sentences like this:

which is illogical. You did notice her stockings, so why say you didn't?

Then the train isn't busy, but you had to squeeze in between two businessmen. Make up your mind! Busy, not busy?

She's the Mystery Woman, then a couple of paragraphs later she's Celine, but she's not introduced herself yet. Sure, they're yak yakking, but the upper case title Mystery Woman infers she's still a stranger.

Lots of sentences like that, with non sequiters, poor internal logic, irrelevance. I know you want to portray the excitement, but the story falls over itself repeatedly with that kind of haste.

I reckon this is a good example of "write when hot, edit when cool." The buzz he's getting is good, he's excited for sure (who wouldn't be with the hot chick on the train?) but you need to step back from the story and consider how it's being told. Ask yourself, does every sentence make sense within itself, and with the next one. I sense that you've bolted in extra detail because you thought it would add to the telling, but for me it got messy, it detracts.

But then you put in the little details like her boots tied with ribbons, not the laces, and that's brilliant, but it nearly got lost because of twaddle around it.

There's the core of a tight, spicy story here - I'm a real fan of unexpected encounter stories like this, and have written many myself - but it's lost in too much treacle. I'd like to see what you can do if you took the time to edit really closely, fine tune those sentences, take out the phrases that don't in fact make sense. It would be a shorter piece, sure, but a better one.

I should go back and try to finish the story, but I fear his dweebiness would be too much, and he wouldn't deserve the reward. Which is probably my loss, because.. stockings. And stockings come off a cute girl's legs .

Thanks for the feedback. I should have cleared up the logical confusions. The sentences do read a bit messy but I think I meant to say "I didn't notice her legs at first but then her nylons caught my eyes..."

You're right. Logical fallacies like that make it really jarring and hard to read. I do need an editor and a second opinion so I'll look into that for the next story.

Her name shouldn't actually be mentioned until the very last line (which is the key theme/mechanism). That's a minor slip by me. It really bugs me and I should resubmit the story just because of that!

Finally, you're correct in that the extra details have to make sense and flow well and I have had to bolt a few details on (albeit too hastily). Thanks again for the feedback and Brian is meant to be a bit of a dweeb. Dweebs deserve nylon love too.

 

[PrimalDual]

Her name shouldn't actually be mentioned until the very last line (which is the key theme/mechanism).

I'm not sure if I understand why. Her name's right there in the title, which 99% of readers will see before encountering the first line of text.

 

[Nylonian]

I'm not sure if I understand why. Her name's right there in the title, which 99% of readers will see before encountering the first line of text.

It's one of those instances where the reader knows more than the narrator.