Looking for advice-I’m wondering if I’m reading this wrong- wife and best friend.

[Gr82meetu2]

That’s a good question. I don’t think I’ve deconstructed it yet.

 

[Escierto]

It seems like nothing has changed in your relationship. You should probably move on.

 

[Gr82meetu2]

It seems like nothing has changed in your relationship. You should probably move on.

You’re right I probably should

 

[RoperTrace]

You’re right I probably should

This can be incredibly hard to do, as most people who have been in a l.t. relationship knows.

 

[Escierto]

This can be incredibly hard to do, as most people who have been in a l.t. relationship knows.

Yes, indeed. It's easy for me to say but I know from bitter experience, very hard to do. Even when you know it's the best for everyone.

 

[Gr82meetu2]

Relatively new developments, I guess

So I work out of town on 24 hour shifts with my job. Seven days a month.
My wife works from home
It’s now got to the point where whenever I’m at work on weekdays when our kids are at school, my wife’s girlfriend comes over during the day and sleeps overnight and then is gone when I return home from work
Feels like they’re not even trying to hide it anymore

 

[And4778]

Sounds like it

 

[Britva415]

Feels like they’re not even trying to hide it anymore

Gonna say something?

 

[And4778]

I would recommend patience...
Don't let her know you suspect anything just yet...

 

[Gr82meetu2]

Gonna say something?

I don’t know

There’s plausible deniability

So I’m not 100% certain

I think you have to be ready for yes and your reaction and then you have to be able to be ready for no and that reaction

 

[Smoothshavendad]

Relatively new developments, I guess

So I work out of town on 24 hour shifts with my job. Seven days a month.
My wife works from home
It’s now got to the point where whenever I’m at work on weekdays when our kids are at school, my wife’s girlfriend comes over during the day and sleeps overnight and then is gone when I return home from work
Feels like they’re not even trying to hide it anymore

Does the idea turn you on???

 

[Gr82meetu2]

Does the idea turn you on???

Sometimes a little bit
Most importantly, I want everybody to be happy you know what I mean
I mean, I don’t want people to stick around a relationship just cause I think they have to
Get out there and enjoy what you enjoy. Have fun live your life. We only get one.

 

[Smoothshavendad]

Ask her if she would ever consider a Mff …

 

[Shaglus_Ziegler]

I think that you are conflating two separate matters. One is the lack of intimacy in your marriage. The other is suspicion as to whether she is having an intimate relationship with her friend. I understand that the manner in which events have unfolded has lead you to think that maybe one caused the other. But the result seems to be that you are focusing on this other woman more so than your own relationship. Regardless of how that comes across it is understandable that she will get tired of that discussion. Whether she isn't having an intimate relationship or she is and isn't willing to admit it, continuing to raise that isn't going anywhere. And it is a discussion where she can take the position that you are wrong and she wants you to drop it.

You might want to start with talking about the lack of intimacy in your marriage as a stand-alone topic. Don't speculate on the reasons why and certainly don't try to correlate it to events with this other woman. Just raise the premise that you feel like the intimacy in your marriage has decreased and ask her to talk with you about it. Hopefully she opens up, but even if she doesn't this is not a topic on which she can claim that you are wrong. She might disagree but you are clearly entitled to your own feelings. So, if she tries to shut you down you can firmly and nicely say "Listen I feel that lack of intimacy. It is real for me and you don't get to tell me that my feelings are invalid. We are a couple and you owe it to me to take my feelings seriously." Then be ready to describe in tangible ways how you perceive the changes in your intimate life, but make sure that none of it comes across as accusations.

It is very easy to shut down a conversation about something that may or may not have happened because it is fact based and she is the only one of the two of you who has the facts. It is much more difficult to shut down a conversation about personal feelings and experiences and when someone tries to do so it is easy to say "you don't get to tell me how I feel" because you are the one who knows how you feel.

I personally wouldn’t put up with all that. Get deep and honest, fulfill your role as a man and get to the bottom of things calmly but firmly. Once you’ve fulfilled your role as husband see if she meets you there. If not it may be time to move on or continue suffering. Good luck. Cheers

 

[Britva415]

I think you have to be ready for yes and your reaction and then you have to be able to be ready for no and that reaction

And you're not.

I see.

Welp

So much for looking for advice.

 

[Gr82meetu2]

And you're not.

I see.

Welp

So much for looking for advice.

I’m not sure what WELP means
But I don’t think there’s any reason to be derogatory

I’m merely trying to process and I don’t have a lot of forms to be able to do so
Vive sand things of people are saying, I find helpful. It puts me down different trains of thought.

 

[Britva415]

I’m not sure what WELP means
But I don’t think there’s any reason to be derogatory

I’m merely trying to process and I don’t have a lot of forms to be able to do so
Vive sand things of people are saying, I find helpful. It puts me down different trains of thought.

It just seems like you're happy with the way things are, that's all.

I don't see anything "derogatory," just acknowledging that there doesn't seem to be anything to say anymore.

Unless what you're asking for is "how to become ready," à la:

I think you have to be ready for yes and your reaction and then you have to be able to be ready for no and that reaction