More Humour

[Smuttyandfun]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been riding all day on a buffalo hunt. When they stop to rest, Tonto places his ear to the ground and listens.

"Buffalo come," Tonto says.

"How do you know that?" asks the Lone Ranger.

"Ear sticky."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A retired couple that has been married for 50 years struggled to keep up the romance in their marriage after their looks had faded, their hair turned gray, their skin sagged, and their bodies became more tired.

One day, they figured out a way to keep their love alive and well: they had a nightly ritual to eat dinner together completely naked.

One day, the wife told her husband, “This is really working because my tits are so hot for you!”

The husband replied, “I can see that, sweetheart!”

The wife asked how he could see that, and the husband replied, “Well, one of your nipples is in your tea, and the other is in your soup!”

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from Grandma.”

 

[TiberiusPrime]

Three morticians were having lunch together one day and they started talking about their jobs and it eventually turned to how bad their weeks have been.

The first mortician said, “I had a horrible week awhile back. One of my clients was a man who got run over by a bulldozer and it took me a week to get him pumped up back to normal!”

The second mortician said, “That’s nothing. One of my clients was a man who got gunned down by mobsters. It took me a week to get all the holes plugged up!”

The third mortician said, “I’ve got you both beat. One of my clients was a nun who committed suicide. She jumped out of a third story window and landed on a flagpole. It took me 2 weeks to get the smile off her face!”

 

[Zootonius]

A man talked about his two businesses, a dry cleaners and a funeral home. He was dying in the cleaning business, but cleaning up in the dying business.

 

[Smuttyandfun]

I like to whisper romantic stuff after sex, like... "Hey, go home."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Husband: I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my grandmother.

Wife: But why does it say, "Do Not Resuscitate?"

 

[Smuttyandfun]

My neighbor complained about me groaning too loudly having sex in the morning...

If they only knew I'm just trying to put my socks on.

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Getting old sucks big time. I just threw my back out because the toaster startled me.

 

[Astrotrain]

I just saw a great porn movie about two beautiful lesbian quantum physicists exploring their urges. It was called "The Double Slit Experiment".

 

[SimonDoom]

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Little Johnny attends a horse auction with his father.

He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes Little Johnny asks, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father says, "I have to make sure that he's healthy and in good shape before I buy him."

And Little Johnny says, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy mom."

 

[XerXesXu]

I saw bibles on promo at my local sex shop, 10% off. They omitted 'thou shall not commit adultery'.

 

[Astrotrain]

I saw bibles on promo at my local sex shop, 10% off. They omitted 'thou shall not commit adultery'.

Funny enough, that actually happened in real life. In 1631 no less:

Wicked Bible

 

[TarnishedPenny]

One Lit writers might appreciate, from Brooke McEldowney's brilliant 9 Chickweed Lane. Take your time with this...
https://assets.amuniversal.com/354d0410c256013d8d7c005056a9545d

 

[Smuttyandfun]

 

[Smuttyandfun]

 

[Zootonius]

Remember, if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate.

 

[SimonDoom]

 

[XerXesXu]

"I'm open for business."

 

[AG31]

Four women were chatting near some outdoor shower stalls at the country club. The stalls had dutch doors and the bottom door of one had swung open.

1st lady: Oh! Well, that's not my George.

2nd lady: That's not my Ralph.

3rd lady: Not my Wilbur.

Sweet young thing: Why, he's not even a member of the club!

 

[Zootonius]

A repeat:

Old man faces the judge for his sentence and finds out he's been given 50 years.

Old man: "But judge, I won't live that long!"

Judge: "Well, just serve as many as you can, then."

 

[TarnishedPenny]

https://assets.amuniversal.com/7c9df540b4e4013d8963005056a9545d

 

[Rob_Royale]

So today in the grocery store with my wife, we passed one of those little wire stands full of pepperoni, summer sausage and jerky. On it was a sign that said "GET YOUR PROTEIN FIX!"

Seeing an opportunity to be a little cheeky, I asked out loud. "Hey babe, you want a protein fix tonight?"

Three other couples around us just burst out laughing. A man nearby looked at his wife, "That sounds like a great idea! How about it?" His wife gives me a scathing look.

Sometimes you just gotta have fun in public.

 

[MillieDynamite]

I want to recreate my signature picture, but Jo says she doesn't have a camera equipped with a wide-angle lens that is wide angled enough to fit my ass in it.