Reflections on Gentleman Doms

[YourGentleDom]

That wouldn’t be me.
But if you mean that - thank you for listening to us

It's always interesting to hear different opinions. For me, it's important to read reactions long before a safeword is ever needed, to interpret nonverbal signals, and to know boundaries before they are reached. In gentle, intuitive dynamics, a safeword may seem unnecessary – but for many, it's still a valuable safety measure.

 

[MiaBabe23]

It's always interesting to hear different opinions. For me, it's important to read reactions long before a safeword is ever needed, to interpret nonverbal signals, and to know boundaries before they are reached. In gentle, intuitive dynamics, a safeword may seem unnecessary – but for all, it's still a valuable safety measure.

Just ftfy

 

[lil_jenni]

It's always interesting to hear different opinions. For me, it's important to read reactions long before a safeword is ever needed, to interpret nonverbal signals, and to know boundaries before they are reached. In gentle, intuitive dynamics, a safeword may seem unnecessary – but for many, it's still a valuable safety measure.

A safe word is for the sub, not the dom. It's not about what the Dom needs or wants. It's not about how well the dom may or may not interpret nonverbals. It's about what makes the sub comfortable. If the sub needs to have the mental safety of a safe word, then that is the end of the discussion.

 

[YourGentleDom]

A safe word is for the sub, not the dom. It's not about what the Dom needs or wants. It's not about how well the dom may or may not interpret nonverbals. It's about what makes the sub comfortable.

Thank you for referring to my earlier posts

 

[lil_jenni]

Thank you for referring to my earlier posts

Nope.

 

[TXRafe]

A safe word is for the sub, not the dom. It's not about what the Dom needs or wants. It's not about how well the dom may or may not interpret nonverbals. It's about what makes the sub comfortable. If the sub needs to have the mental safety of a safe word, then that is the end of the discussion.

honestly, the dom needs a safe word also, or needs the ability to use it. especially in my case, because if i do notice something is effecting my partner or a miscommunication happens i need to be able to pause what is happening and have her understand what is happening and pull her out of subspace in order to communicate properly. dom space, sub space, horny brain...you are literally on drugs with all the feel good hormones and brain chemicals bombarding your brain and decision making. everyone else gets it. you can't make people listen, but you dont have to invite them to the party either. this isnt elementary school on valentines day. there is a reason not everyone gets to play.

 

[YourGentleDom]

I agree. I have never needed to use our safe word with my Hubby, but we have one just in case.

There is the Gentleman Dom I talk of

 

[lil_jenni]

honestly, the dom needs a safe word also, or needs the ability to use it. especially in my case, because if i do notice something is effecting my partner or a miscommunication happens i need to be able to pause what is happening and have her understand what is happening and pull her out of subspace in order to communicate properly. dom space, sub space, horny brain...you are literally on drugs with all the feel good hormones and brain chemicals bombarding your brain and decision making. everyone else gets it. you can't make people listen, but you dont have to invite them to the party either. this isnt elementary school on valentines day. there is a reason not everyone gets to play.

Good point.

 

[lil_jenni]

There is the Gentleman Dom I talk of

He is. You are not.

 

[YourGentleDom]

He is. You are not.

Yes, I underestimate your ability to assess people from a distance. Again I am sorry

 

[MiaBabe23]

Yes, I underestimate your ability to assess people from a distance. Again I am sorry

Dude, why not quit the barbed comments?
This can be a learning experience and you could take something positive from a lotta women and men who have shared here, or you can snipe…

 

[YourGentleDom]

I have no intention of making barbed comments. I simply meant that a Gentleman Dom should be so attuned and sensitive that a safeword wouldn’t even be necessary in the first place. Everyone talks about safewords, but how often have they actually been used or heard? And most importantly, why?

 

[TXRafe]

I have no intention of making barbed comments. I simply meant that a Gentleman Dom should be so attuned and sensitive that a safeword wouldn’t even be necessary in the first place. Everyone talks about safewords, but how often have they actually been used or heard? And most importantly, why?

we get it, youve made your points. i think its time to move on or simply listen. a gentleman would already know that.

 

[MiaBabe23]

I have no intention of making barbed comments. I simply meant that a Gentleman Dom should be so attuned and sensitive that a safeword wouldn’t even be necessary in the first place. Everyone talks about safewords, but how often have they actually been used or heard? And most importantly, why?

The barbed comments were your patronizing comments to Julie

As to your question - all I read here is you trying to imply that if anyone has or uses a safeword, they have an inferior connection
And yet…
I think it’s perfectly obvious that everyone who’s responded here has, or has had, a very fulfilling d/s relationship
And I think we’re unanimous on safewords or systems being important

Take from that what you’re willing to let yourself take

 

[cascadiabound]

I wonder if there is a language barrier here or a misunderstanding that just because your partner is a gentleman doesn't also mean he might, with your consent, engage is highly risky, adrenaline inducing, possibly dangerous kink play.

If you think the sum total of dominance is putting your girl in a collar and making her cum until she begs you to stop then good for you. But there is an enormous buffet of other possible activities where respect for both parties require having a safe word or fail safe signal in place and agreed upon ahead of time.

I'm done talking to Mr so called Gentle Dom.
Putting him on iggy.

 

[YourGentleDom]

I wonder if there is a language barrier here or a misunderstanding that just because your partner is a gentleman doesn't also mean he might, with your consent, engage is highly risky, adrenaline inducing, possibly dangerous kink play.

If you think the sum total of dominance is putting your girl in a collar and making her cum until she begs you to stop then good for you. But there is an enormous buffet of other possible activities where respect for both parties require having a safe word or fail safe signal in place and agreed upon ahead of time.

I'm done talking to Mr so called Gentle Dom.
Putting him on iggy.

But we’re talking about a Gentleman Dom here, not about high-risk, adrenaline-fueled, potentially dangerous kink play. And on that, I completely agree with you. A safe word is needed.

I also don’t understand why a normal discussion can escalate into such emotional spheres. But so be it.

To avoid causing any unnecessary unrest, I’ll just wish you all the best and thank you for sharing your opinions.

 

[Mei5ter]

I wonder if there is a language barrier here or a misunderstanding that just because your partner is a gentleman doesn't also mean he might, with your consent, engage is highly risky, adrenaline inducing, possibly dangerous kink play.

That's a very good point, and it's worth making sure everyone is talking about the same thing.

I had assumed that we were talking about Gentleman Doms meaning Doms who were also Gentlemen. If you had a Venn diagram with two sets: Doms, and Gentlemen, Gentleman Doms would be in the intersection.

Am I right? Or is a 'Gentleman Dom" a specific type of extra soft Dom or something? (Not that I'd imagine many Doms would want to be called Extra Soft, which sounds like either erectile dysfunction or kitchen towels, but I'm sure there's a label for everyone).

Makes no difference to the safeword issue of course - any kind of D/s needs one, however soft, and anyone on either side of the slash who rejects safewords is a problem.

But the tension between being a gentleman while also being a Dom interests me. The former aims for higher standards of behaviour than average. The latter does things many would find shocking. I'd love to see that explored more here. Unfortunately, however, we're back to explaining vitally important but very basic things because people post too quickly, can't read, or won't listen.

 

[barefootgirl69]

That's a very good point, and it's worth making sure everyone is talking about the same thing.

I had assumed that we were talking about Gentleman Doms meaning Doms who were also Gentlemen. If you had a Venn diagram with two sets: Doms, and Gentlemen, Gentleman Doms would be in the intersection.

Am I right? Or is a 'Gentleman Dom" a specific type of extra soft Dom or something? (Not that I'd imagine many Doms would want to be called Extra Soft, which sounds like either erectile dysfunction or kitchen towels, but I'm sure there's a label for everyone).

Makes no difference to the safeword issue of course - any kind of D/s needs one, however soft, and anyone on either side of the slash who rejects safewords is a problem.

But the tension between being a gentleman while also being a Dom interests me. The former aims for higher standards of behaviour than average. The latter does things many would find shocking. I'd love to see that explored more here. Unfortunately, however, we're back to explaining vitally important but very basic things because people post too quickly, can't read, or won't listen.

I think it's helpful to return to the OP to get an idea of what brought most of us to this thread initially, and what many of us we remembering and missing.

I know things evolve, but that's a good starting point.

Ymmv

 

[AlwaysDancing]

https://i.etsystatic.com/11729709/r/il/989be4/2163284958/il_794xN.2163284958_3uuv.jpg
Because coffee always makes it right …

So many ways we can describe Doms and subs and so many ways we can describe ladies and gentlemen.

And though every Dom is not a Gentleman, and every Gentleman is not a Dom, there is often an intersection!!

And coffee cups like this one are fun and playful and hint at private fun. That’s where I live. I’m not going to brag about being a Dom, but there will be signs.
Sayings like, “Lady on the streets and slut in the sheets” are fun in a similar way.

However, it hints at a solit dichotomy and it’s really not like that for me. It’s not Jekyll and Hyde.

“Be warned, m’lady, as I quaff this elixir, the mannered-born paragon you see before you will fade to the light and in the darkness treat you as the slut hidden within!”

Ok that does sound fun.

Back to the intersection.

Gentleman I think have a way of getting in exactly what they want … and they are masters in the class of knowing and serving the needs of everyone in the room.

And doesn’t that make a pretty good Dom?

Edited for spelling.

 

[crazychemgirl]

A Gentleman Dom is about control with respect, dominance with consideration - a game that is both intense and safe. An experienced Dom knows their sub’s limits, reads nonverbal signals, and creates an atmosphere where true surrender is possible without fear.

I would never use a collar for the first time in bed (just like cascadiabound had a panic attack) because you would have already worn it in public many times before.

There’s no point in having a discussion with a “dom” who thinks he’s right ….

I do feel sorry for your sub or potential sub, because I know from first-hand experience how detrimental bad d/s relationships can be to a subs mental psyche. Long lasting damage that can sometimes never be repaired.

 

[Otis_Ravelli]

Just because you trust you're sharing a car with an experienced and skilled driver doesn't mean you don't have seatbelts in the car.

 

[JaysonFromMars]

Sorry, I just stumbled upon this thread and cannot believe ANYONE would be opposed to safewords. My previous sub and I had incredible non-verbal communication but we NEVER went without safewords. I insist on establishing them in non-BDSM situations as well, especially any group play or new partners. If everyone understands that everything stops, without question, when the word is used, everyone can relax and feel a lot more secure. All sex depends upon trust and respect, especially BDSM and other practices that push us out of our comfort zones.

Just the opinion of a former Dom Daddy. Take it or leave it.

 

[Venefica]

I think I have not got a large part of the discussion as I am not a native speaker.

Does the gentle dom say he is against safewords and safesigns?

Or does he say he agrees to that but has never needed one because he is such a good psycho-anaylst?

 

[JaysonFromMars]

I think I have not got a large part of the discussion as I am not a native speaker.

Does the gentle dom say he is against safewords and safesigns?

Or does he say he agrees to that but has never needed one because he is such a good psycho-anaylst?

Not sure. I neglected to mention the importance of a defined non-verbal "safe sign" (in case one's mouth is busy). Thanks for the reminder.

 

[Endless_Night]

I'm done talking to Mr so called Gentle Dom.
Putting him on iggy.

Good lord. What a dumpster fire.

Why are people still engaging?

*also uses the ignore button*