The Psychology of the "Disinterested Handjob"

[AwkwardlySet]

People are mostly going off on a tangent now. The OP's key point was that the husband enjoyed the fact that he was getting an uninterested and, speaking in terms of mechanics and friction, probably sub-standard handjob rather than an enthusiastic one. It all reeks of powerplay to me but maybe I am being biased here.

 

[SimonDoom]

Right, but you're missing my point.

Some guys seem to be actively drawn to the idea that the woman is not interested.

Surely your wife would prefer it if you loved giving her backrubs as much as she loves receiving them (if for no other reason than it would probably mean more backrubs )

I think you are approaching the question from the standpoint of the recipient, whereas Alohadave is approaching it from the standpoint of the giver.

In the context of the nurse scenario, there's an element of taboo as well: it's NOT supposed to be sexual, but the recipient sees it that way, anyway. It's an introduction of a naughty element into what should be a professional (and unsexy) setting. It's why there's a lot of erotica that involves settings like offices, classrooms, libraries, etc. People enjoy that tension between the erotic and the nonerotic when they are pushed up against one another.

 

[Devinter]

I think you might be onto something with the "honesty" angle, personally. Whilst I am not into handjobs, I have certainly got a heightened feeling of pleasure in some sexual situations where the girl I was with wasn't into it but expressed that in a raw and honest way.

People have already mentioned the BDSM and power/control aspect, and in my case, I think that is what did it for me - although in the exact reverse of what was previously suggested in the thread. Namely; The fact that she didn't particularly enjoy it, yet still did it for my sake - I thought that was sweet, and it appealed to my sadistic side. Sort of a "I can't believe I'm agreeing to this. I'm only doing it because I love you." The raw honesty combined with her 'sacrifice' ignited something.

... Sounds pretty bad when I put it that way, eh? But for related context, the number one thing that excites me (visually) is facial expressions - showing a strong emotional reaction to what is transpiring; whether it is blissful enjoyment, reluctance, embarrassment, or even a sense of mild uninterest. So long as it is honest. Would I take someone pouting the entire time over feigned enjoyment? Absolutely. So I can totally imagine there's a real fetish for this sort of thing.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

There's a whole genre of porn that I think of as "hostile handjobs". Search any decent site for "mean massage" to find examples. In those cases, it's definitely a BDSM/femdom thing.

-Rocco

 

[MediocreAuthor]

I think you might be onto something with the "honesty" angle, personally. Whilst I am not into handjobs, I have certainly got a heightened feeling of pleasure in some sexual situations where the girl I was with wasn't into it but expressed that in a raw and honest way.

I suppose I can see this, even though it's strange, I kinda get it.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

There's a whole genre of porn that I think of as "hostile handjobs". Search any decent site for "mean massage" to find examples. In those cases, it's definitely a BDSM/femdom thing.

-Rocco

To my knowledge, the husband in my example doesn't have any interest in BDSM, but that said, plenty of times people keep that kinda stuff buried.

I'm more than a little embarrassed in my attraction to NC/R themes

 

[Devinter]

I suppose I can see this, even though it's strange, I kinda get it.

Consider also the variation aspect. That if 99% of sexual acts are experienced one way, then perhaps the sudden change in demeanour holds a certain appeal simply because it is different. Think about it; sometimes we like to be gentle, sometimes we like to be rough. Sometimes I like to give a girl exactly what she wants, and sometimes I like to tease and deny instead. I feel like variation adds spice to sex. If one's wife is normally enthusiastic about sex, but then delivers the unenthusiastic handjob, it's something different from the norm. That alone might hold a certain level of appeal.

 

[lovecraft68]

The entire point seems to be that she isn't getting anything from the interaction except maybe satisfaction that her man is happy.

I'm not sure exactly where the eroticism comes in there, but apparently it does.

If its going along with the sub angle maybe there's a feeling of control? If that dynamic isn't there its just placating the man the way some think it should be.

But in the end it all depends on the person and situation, mileage will vary.

But any man that says he'd rather jack himself off because it feels better is pretty much a professional loser. Seriously, tell me you can't find a woman without actually saying it.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

But any man that says he'd rather jack himself off because it feels better is pretty much a professional loser. Seriously, tell me you can't find a woman without actually saying it.

Haha I have heard actual men say that, but I think it's mostly a method of guilting their girl into going further than she wants to.

The same way that guys say, "The first step of giving a good handjob is sticking it in your mouth"

 

[lovecraft68]

Haha I have heard actual men say that, but I think it's mostly a method of guilting their girl into going further than she wants to.

The same way that guys say, "The first step of giving a good handjob is sticking it in your mouth"

I have heard that from guys, it is in defiance of settling for a hand job and its BS. The funniest thing about that is when men say its because women should do more or aren't good at stroking.

But if a woman says she can get herself off better than a man because she knows how to touch herself its "reeeeeee toxic feminism!" and the reality is there's more truth when the woman says it.

To your last point my usual response to neanderthals with that mentality is trying being a half way decent lover and maybe she'll want to put it in her mouth. The double standard of women should be porn stars and men are one way streets. Meh.

Not really in this forum, but you go to personals or fetish or am pic where all the dogs hang out and they make these comments "I'm all about the woman's pleasure, I can eat it for hours I can..." Right. If you could you wouldn't be hounding anonymous women on a smut site.

Oh well, my takes on these things are why I have very few male friends.

 

[AG31]

Ever hear of "objectification?" Objectification is a well known turn on in the BDSM world.

 

[AG31]

They would make porn of ice melting if there were someone who would watch it.

The idea is fascinating...

 

[alohadave]

I have heard that from guys, it is in defiance of settling for a hand job and its BS. The funniest thing about that is when men say its because women should do more or aren't good at stroking.

Everyone can go home now, Lovecraft has spoken. There are actually no women who are bad at handjobs, and there are no men who can pleasure themselves better than a woman can.

But if a woman says she can get herself off better than a man because she knows how to touch herself its "reeeeeee toxic feminism!" and the reality is there's more truth when the woman says it.

Is it snowing in here, because I'm seeing snowflakes.

Oh well, my takes on these things are why I have very few male friends.

Yeah, that's why.

 

[lovecraft68]

Everyone can go home now, Lovecraft has spoken. There are actually no women who are bad at handjobs, and there are no men who can pleasure themselves better than a woman can.


Is it snowing in here, because I'm seeing snowflakes.


Yeah, that's why.

Nah, you'd be the perfect reason why.

I'll leave you to drop some bombs on my stories. It's usually what happens after you reply to me and anyone else you bicker with here.

 

[alohadave]

It's usually what happens after you reply to me

Keep dreaming that you are worth the attention.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

What makes a good handjob anyway? Or any other job regardless if it's a man's or woman's genitalia.
I think that everyone here, regardless of gender, knows how to mechanically stimulate themselves the best. But that's just one part of the equation. For most people what matters the most is the mental stimulation, the arousal that comes from interacting with another person, some specific sexual situation or scenario, or whatever.
If giving yourself a handjob was the best thing ever, none of us would ever need to have sex other than for the purposes of procreation. A mouth and a tongue on a penis or a vagina will never give the amount of friction and physical stimulation that a hand or fingers do. But the brain, our real sex organ, will in most cases love it so much more. And that's why getting head is almost universally loved even if our tongues and mouths produce less friction than hands, fingers, vibrators, cocks, dildoes, you name it.
As a straight guy, I can't possibly imagine that giving myself a handjob would ever be better than getting it from a woman I find sexy. Not in a million years, regardless of how unskilled she was at it.

I mean, I don't want to generalize. Maybe there are people for whom the physical sensation matters more. For me, I'd say that the mental part does about 90-95% of my pleasure. So yeah, a sexy woman barely stimulating me with some part of her body >> me wanking myself off with my genetically altered eight-fingered hands.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

So yeah, a sexy woman barely stimulating me with some part of her body >> me wanking myself off with my genetically altered eight-fingered hands.

Well that seems reasonable to me. High 8!

 

[MediocreAuthor]

Everyone can go home now, Lovecraft has spoken. There are actually no women who are bad at handjobs, and there are no men who can pleasure themselves better than a woman can.

While LC's vitriolic hatred of most/all other men is a matter of public record, I do agree that the claim "a handjob from a chick is no good, there's no way she can jerk me off as well as I can" is used by unscrupulous men as leverage to bargain for more advanced sexual interactions.

That said, it certainly doesn't always work.

I mean, as I said, guys have actually said that to me, and they didn't end up getting a handjob or a blowjob from me...

But who knows? Maybe my handjobs are indeed trash? I don't think so, and I've never had complaints by anyone who's had one... but I'm probably unfairly biased lol

 

[Wonderer67]

You're kind of the exact person I wanted to talk to. Any idea why "it's sorta hot"? At least for you?

You know, the fact that you bring up a nurse does actually bring to mind a sort of "kink" that I enjoy reading about, which I've nicknamed "clinical sexual encounter". It happens when a doctor or a scientist etc has to perform a sexual test on a patient, and the doctor/scientist stimulates their subject while maintaining professionalism the whole time.

That isn't that different from the aforementioned kink, conceptually.

I'm glad you brought that up.

For me it’s about being aroused when I shouldn’t be. During a medical procedure as an example. (I had to get my balls ultrasounded once and got a raging hard on. I was mortified and turned on at the same time.)

I’ve written a a few stories about medical scenarios. (“The pelvic exam”, parts 1/2, which really focuses on a cold tough dominatrix medical professional and a very aroused patient undergoing pelvic floor therapy.)

 

[MediocreAuthor]

For me it’s about being aroused when I shouldn’t be. During a medical procedure as an example. (I had to get my balls ultrasounded once and got a raging hard on. I was mortified and turned on at the same time.)

I’ve written a a few stories about medical scenarios. (“The pelvic exam”, parts 1/2, which really focuses on a cold tough dominatrix medical professional and a very aroused patient undergoing pelvic floor therapy.)

Oh yes. I get that.

I have been planning forever to write a story about an honest, professional doctor from the late 1800's and his treatment of a young widow's "hysteria" via clitoral stimulation.

(Some historians have claimed this was a practice among doctors of the time, although the legitimacy of that claim is in question irl)

Within the story, she never experienced an orgasm before because her late husband was a selfish lover, and she falls for the good doctor, requesting more and more treatments, while he struggles to maintain his professionalism against her growing desire.

So yeah. I definitely get the doctor/nurse appeal. Lol

 

[PapaRomantic]

I'm in the "free use" group. You don't have to get into it, but I need to get off and it makes me excited that you understand that.

 

[Britva415]

The psychology is simple: A Disinterested Handjob is MUCH better than No Handjob.

Just speaking for myself:

It’s not. And that’s the psychology behind me just saying “you know what, fuck it, no thanks, let’s figure something else out” before my marriage was opened.

 

[WCSGarland]

I kind of wonder which would be a better experience, handjob by a hooker who just wants to get the job done and get it over with and get paid, or handjob by a wife who just wants to get the job done and get it over with. Would the husband's fantasy be that he could pretend his wife was a hooker, but he wasn't really going to be out the cash? And what about the ejaculation aspect? Was the ejaculation into a condom, or was it into a tissue, or did the wife get sprayed? Now I'm starting to think I don't have enough information to make any kind of speculation on the psychology of it.

 

[alohadave]

handjob by a hooker who just wants to get the job done and get it over with and get paid, or handjob by a wife who just wants to get the job done and get it over with.

The hooker isn't going to give you as much time as you need. If you don't blow your load after 15 minutes, off you go, get out.

 

[WCSGarland]

The hooker isn't going to give you as much time as you need. If you don't blow your load after 15 minutes, off you go, get out.

I'm thinking the hooker may have more experience at achieving the climax than the wife though.... and who is to say that the wife won't do the same as far as packing it in after 15 minutes? Especially a wife not interested in the actual sex act.